One of the best things about living in Music City (Nashville has that name due to the Fisk Jubilee Singers NOT country music, by the way) is you can’t help but have at least a few musician friends regardless of what you do for a living. Since I came from a music industry family and I worked in entertainment media for many years, that ups my count significantly. And one of the really fun things about hanging with music folks is you’re gonna find yourself talking about songs that you probably haven’t thought about in years.
For instance, an impromptu game that some of my peeps like to play is “What’s the best song?” for different topics. I’ll explain. Like infidelity? A top fave of mine is “Everything I Miss at Home” by Cherelle. A man who you can’t seem to get over? “How Can I Ease the Pain” by Lisa Fischer. Fellatio (yeah, I said it)? Yep — got one for that too; it’s by one of 615’s best Shannon Sanders and it’s off of a project he did way back in 1999 (fun fact: the original version of Heather Headley’s hit from back in the day, “In My Mind” is on it). The song? “Interstate.” Unfortunately, he never did a visual for it, so I’m gonna share another one that hits the mark: Usher’s “Good Kisser.”
Usher - Good Kisserwww.youtube.com
As I was rewatching it, I realized that aside from the cutie pie with the freckles (Black women with freckles look dope), I think what makes the video so visually appealing is all of the different lips that are showcased…wouldn’t you agree?
And that’s why I thought it would be a perfect way to intro this article. Because, thanks to it and a company called Bijoux Indiscrets that sells a product that they call Oral Pleasure · Oral Sex Lip Gloss, I’ve been inspired to share why, if you want to become an oral sex master yourself, there is something that you need; something that you’ve probably underestimated as being absolutely essential.
What could that be? You saw the title: lip gloss.
Lips Play a Bigger Role in Oral Pleasure than People Think
GiphyI’m not sure if this will surprise any of you or not yet are you aware that, reportedly, only 28 percent of women like to go down on men? For shame, for shame because, while I personally don’t think that it’s something that should be done randomly or casually (you can get an STI/STD from oral sex too, people), if you’re willing to participate in coitus, the experience can only be that much better if you’re both down to…get down (if you know what I mean).
Anyway, because a lot of my life consists of writing and talking about sex — and more specifically, how to make it more satisfying for all parties involved — I oftentimes interview people on various sexual topics. And when oral sex comes up, something that both men and women say is, that lips play just as much of a starring role as tongues do.
In fact, not too long ago, a guy told me, “Technique is important but what is even more important is a woman who’s enthusiastic about giving head and has really soft lips. That takes sh—t to another level.”
And you know something that can get you smooth lips that feel absolutely amazing? Lip gloss. Well, to be thorough, first you should exfoliate your lips with a lip scrub (or toothbrush) and then you should apply some lip gloss to them. Why? I’ll be more than happy to break it all down for you.
Lip Gloss Is Sexy AF
GiphyIf there are two things that I have too much of, it’s sneakers and lip gloss. When it comes to the latter, I like it because it’s a low-maintenance way to make my very full lips (thanks Dad for giving me those) appear sexy as hell (because I don’t have to worry about the smudging or smearing of lipstick; more on that in a bit). How do I know? Because it’s rare that I’m out and someone doesn’t compliment me on my lips, the kind of lip gloss that I have on, or both. And since it’s been reported before that men are drawn to a woman’s lips more than any other facial feature that she has — why wouldn’t you want to apply something that will make yours appear wet, sultry, and super alluring? Lip gloss can make that happen.
Lip Gloss Reduces Dehydration
GiphyFrom a functional standpoint, lip gloss is bomb because it can help your lips to retain moisture. This is good to know if you’re going to be outdoors for hours on end; however, this article is about oral sex, and since we’re all grown — when you’re performing fellatio (if you’re doing it right anyway), quite a bit of saliva is going to be involved. And since spit contains enzymes that can actually dry out your lips and cause them to feel chapped…none of that works in the giver or receiver’s favor. So yeah, if you want to keep your lips in good shape during the umm, process, lip gloss should definitely be applied beforehand.
Lip Gloss Is More “Convenient” than Lipstick
GiphySince I already told you in the intro that Shannon’s song is about a man getting head and the title of it is “Interstate,” I’m sure you can just about guess where it all went down at, right? You know, it’s interesting that when I talk to some of my female clients about why they are hesitant to be more spontaneous when it comes to sex (including oral sex), they usually say something along the lines of they don’t want everyone in their business. Well, when it comes to lips, specifically, one way to be (more) discreet is to apply lip gloss instead of lipstick.
Like I said earlier, there’s no smudging, no smearing and you can easily reapply it after all is said and done and no one will have to know anything that you don’t want them to know. In fact, another reason why I’m super fond of lip gloss is when I go out to eat, I don’t have to worry about how my lips look after the meal; they pretty much look the same as before and if I want a bit more sheen, I can just put another layer of gloss on without even the need of a mirror. Perfect.
Use Flavored Lip Gloss
GiphyOkay, so now that we’ve gotten some of the practical points about lip gloss out of the way, let me share a few ways that it can make the act itself so much more pleasurable for you both. As far as flavored gloss goes, if you’re someone who’s a bit shy when it comes to sperm/semen even in its pre-ejaculate stage if you apply a gloss that tastes like cherries, pineapple, or peach, that can mask some of the his “naturalness” so that it doesn’t wreck your flow — or his.
Add Some Cinnamon Oil to Your Lip Gloss
GiphyIf you’re all about creating a surprising sensation, you’ve got to bring some cinnamon oil into the mix. If you go with a high-quality brand, it will be sweet to the taste to you while providing a warm and sensual tingling feel for him. I’m actually such a fan of it that I gave it a shout-out in the article, “10 Ways To Have An 'Extra Sweet' Vagina” that I also once penned for the platform because, if you apply it to your vulva (not vagina, please), it can be a sweet treat for him as well. Will it burn? Nah. Well, let me put a disclaimer on that: quality cinnamon oil means that a little bit goes a really long way. So, as long as you’re not dumping a ton of it on either set of your lips, you should be more than fine.
Play Around with Some Glow in the Dark Lip Gloss
GiphyYou learn something new every day, right? What might trip you out today is one poll revealed that when men are in a relationship, they prefer to have sex in the dark while women prefer the lights to be turned up (hmph). For now, what I’ll say about that is although great sex should include all five senses in action when you remove one, that can amplify the others. That said, if you can relate to this and either you and/or your partner like the lights to be off (or dim), how about some glow-in-the-dark lip gloss? It’s fun. It’s sexy. And it’s something that I can almost guarantee that your partner won’t see coming (umm, no pun intended!).
Prevent Afterplay Discomfort with Lip Gloss
GiphyBecause lip gloss adds moisture, enhances the appearance of your lips, maintains a smooth texture, and helps to keep your lips feeling nice and comfortable — it’s definitely something that you should keep by your nightstand for after you blow his mind (again, no pun intended). See it as a way of rewarding your lips for all of their good…service.
___
All this from lip gloss. Yep…all of this from lip gloss. And now that I’ve hopefully hyped you up, how about sending your man a text with a pic of a tube of lip gloss? Ask him to guess why. Then surprise him with the answer the next time you see him.
I bet he’ll never see a tube of gloss the same way…ever again.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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