How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever
In pursuing the goal of experiencing the best sex ever, there are three main mistakes that I think a lot of people make. One is overthinking everything; the more mindful you are during sex, the more willing you are to just relax and be in the moment, and the more fulfilling your experience will be. The second thing? Becoming sexually lazy. One of the best things about sex is it can almost always be topped — so why not try?
The couples who are always trying to make the next experience better than the last rarely are bored, nor do they end up finding themselves in a sexual rut. And the third? Not being proactively intentional about bringing all five senses into the bedroom (or wherever they choose to do it). Indeed, something that makes sex top-notch is the fact that there are super sensual ways to incorporate sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch to it.
So, let’s do this. Let’s explore five ways for each of the five senses to be stimulated in such a way that sex with your partner won’t just be “good” — it’ll truly be unforgettable!
SIGHT
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Write a sex note. It’s probably that I’m a words of affirmation person that I wrote articles for the site like “Every Woman Should Write A Love Letter To Themselves” and “Why Writing Love Letters Is A Surefire Way To Revive Your Marriage.” Either way, there are plenty of studies out here to support the fact that your handwriting reveals a lot about your personality. For instance, outgoing personalities tend to use bigger letters while shy folks use smaller ones, and the more legible your signature is, the more confident you tend to be (illegible speaks to being more private).
Anyway, it’s thoughtful, seductive, and it reveals a very personal side of you to handwrite a sex note to your partner. It can be a story, a memory, or a fantasy. Mail it to them (even if you live together), and put it in one of their office drawers or even under their pillow. Allow them to see you in this kind of creative light.
Text a super up close or blurry pic. Speaking of seduction, no matter how many times your partner has seen you naked, there are approaches you can take that will make it feel like it’s the first time. One is to take a super close shot of a body part and ask them to guess what it is. Another is to take a super blurry one and add a message that only they will understand. It’s gonna be hella intriguing either way.
Use candlelight. If you’re someone who would prefer to have sex in the dark while your partner wants the lights on, the compromise is to go with candlelight. It’s romantic. It’s body flattering. And, if you go with some scented soy (soy burns longer) candles like jasmine, vanilla, or patchouli, the candles will create an aphrodisiac atmosphere too.
Incorporate each other’s favorite colors. Something else that I’m a fan of is color psychology (check out “Understanding Color Psychology Will Sharpen Your Lens On Life”). Not only do different colors represent different things (and can affect your mood in different ways), but wearing your favorite color can make you feel better about yourself, while wearing your partner’s favorite color can entice them all the more. Definitely, something to keep in mind as you’re out here doing some lingerie shopping (when’s the last time you did that, by the way?).
Maintain eye contact. In almost any context, maintaining eye contact with people is important. Business Insider once published an article stating that eye contact cultivates attraction, maintains a level of honesty, helps you to be more memorable, and can even make it possible for two people to fall in love. Pretty sure you can see why I added this to the “sight” list. Eye contact during sex is EVERYTHING.
HEARING
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Verbalize, in explicit detail, what you want to do to your partner. Wanna do some sex pregaming? Give your partner a preview of what’s to come by calling them out of nowhere to talk about all of the things you want to do the next time the two of you are intimate. It will definitely pique their curiosity. Plus, this is a great workaround for people who struggle with dirty talk (a tip: don’t overthink it; your tone of voice matters more than your actual words anyway. No, seriously.).
Play nature-based ASMR sounds. If you’re someone who likes to listen to music or sounds of nature during sex (more on that in a sec), it might surprise you to know that you enjoy something that’s a low-key sexual fetish. It’s called auralism, and it’s all about being aroused via sound. As far as nature sounds (like rain, ocean waves, wind, etc.) go, science says that hearing them helps to reduce stress, decrease pain, and it can also put you in a way better mood.
So, the next time that you’re trying to create some ambiance go to YouTube and find some nature sounds (many of them run on a loop for hours on end). It’s an unsung hack that can make a world of difference as far as your sex life is concerned.
Whisper. Speaking of ASMR, did you know that sounds like whispering can create a literal “brain orgasm” without you even laying a hand on your partner? It’s relaxing. It’s seductive. It triggers euphoric sensations. Just thought I would put that out there.
Moan. Recently, while listening to the extended mix of the throwback R&B group Intro’s “Come Inside,” I was trying to figure out how people can “fake moan” and make it sound at least semi-convincing.
Anyway, if you want to heighten both your and your partner’s sense of hearing when it comes to sexual intimacy, moaning is gonna get the job done. In fact, according to science, moaning creates vibrations throughout the body that can intensify sex and orgasms. Plus, it’s a way to let your partner know that they are meeting your sexual needs.
So, if you’re a loud moaner, awesome (check out “Ever Wonder What The Sounds You Make During Sex Mean?” when you get a chance). If you’re self-conscious about doing it, remember that you’ve got science to back up giving it a shot ASAP.
Praise your partner.I once read that whenever someone receives a compliment, it activates the same part of their brain as receiving money (no joke). That said, I can’t think of any person who would ever get tired of receiving genuine praise for their sexual performance. So, before, during, and after the deed is done, be intentional about verbally affirming your partner for the things that you thoroughly enjoyed. Watch them “return the favor” once you do.
SMELL
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Put his favorite scent on your pressure points. The article “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life” is all about certain parts on your and your partner’s bodies that can intensify sexual pleasure whenever they are touched. That said, imagine how much more exhilarating the touches will feel if your partner gets to smell his favorite scent in those very spots.
Out of the five senses, smell doesn’t get nearly as much attention — oh, but it should, considering the fact that various smells connect us to certain emotions and memories. Not only that but studies say that those who have a stronger sense of smell ultimately have better sex lives too.
Apply essential oils to your bedding. Keeping what I just said in mind, when was the last time that you sprinkled some essential oils on your bedding? Personally, I prefer essential oils to perfume or cologne because they are good for your health, and the quality brands, tend to last much longer. And when it comes to sex specifically, there’s something about rolling around in aphrodisiac-based smelling sheets that really is a perfect touch (check out “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last”).
Add fresh flower petals to your bed too. Roses have had a long-standing and pretty solid reputation for being an aphrodisiac scent too. Not only that, but some people even eat rose petals because they are loaded with antioxidants. Personally, I like the soft and feminine scent that fresh rose petals provide along with how great they feel on my skin. Get all of these benefits by sprinkling some fresh rose petals on your bed. You can never go wrong by doing so.
Add an aphrodisiac scent to your hair. A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex” — and you know what? It really is the icing on the cake for your hair to smell absolutely amazing as he does it. So, whether it’s perfume, cologne, or an essential oil, don’t forget to spray or rub some onto your tresses. Whew, chile.
Put some lavender and pumpkin oil in between your thighs. I will forever shout through the proverbial bullhorn that studies say that the combination of lavender and pumpkin oil can increase the speed of a man’s erection by a whopping 40 percent! Definitely, something to keep in mind if you’ve got a partner who battles a bit with erectile dysfunction or you’re someone who enjoys immediate penetration following being on the receiving end of oral sex.
Dab a bit of the combo in between your thighs and just watch — well, feel — what happens! (By the way, you can purchase a roll-on combo of two fragrances at an affordable price by going here.)
TASTE
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Get some honey dust. Back in my more active days (LOL), I took a hack from Valerie Malone via Beverly Hills, 90210, when she told one of her partners that she applies honey dust to her skin so that he could lick it off. Let’s just say that if you try it, you’ll be in for a wild ride. You can cop some for yourself here.
Experiment with some “sex condiments.” Along these same lines, one time I was working with a couple who both wanted a bit of assistance without making giving oral sex less awkward. I shot them the article, "12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious” that I once penned. Why?
Basically, sometimes it can seem a bit intimidating to take in natural body fluids. One way to make it less overwhelming is to “mask” the tastes with ones that are more familiar such as frosting, chocolate syrup, or even condensed milk.
Suck on some mint candy. Even though I’ve actually read that consuming mint can lower a man’s testosterone levels and ultimately his sex drive, if you gargle some mint mouthwash or suck on a mint prior to performing fellatio, the menthol can feel hella exhilarating for him and make his orgasms even more memorable. Hey, but you ain’t gotta take my word for it. A couple of years ago, some mints called Flintts were taking oral sex activity by storm, chile: “What the Heck Are These Oral Sex Mints All Over TikTok?”.
Play around with nutmeg and cloves. Whether you decide to make a dessert with nutmeg and cloves, drink some tea with these spices sprinkled in, or you come up with some other creative way to incorporate them into your plans for the evening, nutmeg is a solid libido-booster and cloves increase energy levels and blood flow (including to your genital region) as well as increases your body temperature. Where’s your spice rack at?
DIY some dried figs. There is nothing wrong with bringing food into the bedroom. That said, next time, how about some figs? Visually, they are a fruit that’s actually used to symbolize the vagina; plus, the amino acids in them help to relax the blood vessels in your body, so that blood is able to flow freely through you and your partner’s genitalia. You can get a ton of dried fig recipes here.
TOUCH
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Wear silk lingerie. Even though lace has quite the reputation when it comes to lingerie, a fabric that deserves a lot more attention is silk. It’s soft. It’s luxurious. And, by many, it’s considered to be the most sensual fabric there is. Also, on the practical side, silk can help to reduce hot flashes, improve your quality of sleep, help to prevent yeast infections, and improve the appearance and feel of your skin. All worthwhile selling points to keep in mind for the next time you’re picking up a teddy or baby doll ensemble.
Twist your wrist during fellatio. I enjoy Black web series. One from back in the day that I will rewatch from time to time is called Diary of a Cheating Man. In episode two, (the character) Cory gives away a fellatio hack that I can personally vouch for.
If you’re someone who is a bit skittish about giving head, something that can take some of the mouth pressure off is to use your hands more. Apply an edible lubricant and then twist your wrist clockwise and counterclockwise as you’re gently moving up and down his shaft. That way, you don’t have to do quite as much sucking (if that’s not your thing; do lick, though), and he won’t feel (quite so) gypped because of it.
Use your tongue where you would put your hands. I recently read an article (entitled “The Human Tongue Can Help Blind People 'See' The World. Here's How”) that said, “The brain can allocate tactile attention on the surface of the tongue in the same way as the hands or other modes of attention.” If you add to this the fact that, although the tongue is not the strongest muscle in the body, it is, most definitely one of the most flexible, and you add to that how warm and wet it is — it will only benefit you and your partner to substitute your tongue for your hands during foreplay…don’t ya think?
Play with each other’s belly buttons. One of the best ways to keep your partner intrigued is to not always go for the “predictable” body parts. For instance, when’s the last time that the two of you played around with each other’s belly buttons? The belly button has multiple nerve endings, it’s a fun way to tease your partner during foreplay, and it’s not uncommon for women to feel clitoral stimulation whenever that area of their body is caressed in any way. So, why not kiss, massage, or use your fingers to play around with the belly button during sexual activity? You both may be pleasantly surprised by the sensation that it creates.
Kiss during afterplay. One more. A question that I get asked fairly often is what can increase a woman’s chances of having multiple orgasms. There are several. One of them is to kiss during afterplay (which is basically foreplay after having sex). There is a lot of intel in these streets (check out “Wanna Climax More? KISS MORE.”) that cosigns on the fact that kissing is extremely stimulating.
So, even though few things top spooning naked and taking a nap after getting in a round of romping, an immediate — as they used to say it back in the day — make-out session following your first orgasm can definitely put you on the path to experiencing a second one. Try it. How could you — and all of your senses — not like it? Enjoy!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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What Astrology Can Reveal About Your Relationship With Your Father
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
The Sun in Astrology represents your personality, ego, and purpose, and your father and your relationship with him. Depending on what sign the Sun was in when you were born, you can dive deeper into the correlation between who you are and your experience with your father or the father figure in your life, as your sun sign represents your father’s traits and how you perceive him. You can see the strengths and significance of your relationship with your dad, where challenges may be more likely, and how to navigate this energy in life.
When diving deeper into the dynamics of your family, where you come from, and how to understand more about this aspect of your life, Astrology can point you toward clarity.
The Sun Sign and The Relationship With Your Father
When looking at your relationship with your parents overall, you want to look at your moon sign for your mom , and your sun sign for your dad. You look at your 4th house for your home life and quality of it, your 5th house for your children, and your 7th house for your marriage. The sun sign, however, and the house your Sun is in, is telling when it comes to your relationship with your father and highlights where you shine in life and where this comes from.
What Your Sun Sign Says About Your Relationship With Your Father
For example, Leo Suns tend to have very outgoing fathers who take a lot of pride in their children. Pisces Suns tend to have more creative, emotional, yet maybe a little more distant dad who takes on a more vulnerable role in their life. It makes sense that your sun sign also rules your personality and goals in life because a lot of the time, this stems from what we learned when we were younger and who led us towards these types of revelations, which often come from the father figure in our lives.
By understanding your Sun sign deeper, you can better navigate how your father shows up, how you perceive him, and what you need and value from this connection.
Read for your Sun sign below to learn more about your father and to find out more insights about your relationship with your father.
Aries Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your dad is most likely very high-energy and active, and you may take on a lot of the physical traits of your father. He has a strong sense of self, is independent, and prefers to be the leader of the family. He could be someone who is a little impatient and who doesn’t beat around the bush. He says exactly what is on his mind and may be a little short-tempered.
Your father was most likely always on the go, but also someone encouraging you to follow your goals, focus on yourself, pursue sports, and overall have a direction in life. Aries tend to have more masculine-energy fathers.
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Taurus Sun Relationship With Their Father
As a Taurus Sun, your father is dependable and someone you can rely on. He is someone who is focused on the stability and financial security of the family, and someone who took on a lot of responsibilities. He could be a really good gift giver or love to spoil you with gifts or financial investments. Your father could also be very stubborn and strong-willed, and it can be hard to get through to him at times as well.
His biggest concern is making sure you are comfortable and safe, and does a lot in life to make this so for you. Your dad tends to be someone who makes you feel stable.
Gemini Sun Relationship With Their Father
With a Gemini Sun, your father is likely more of a wildcard in your life. He is creative and communicative but may be hard to pin down and truly understand. He is someone who has a lot going on in his life at once and can be a bit emotionally distant. He may be busy a lot or have a somewhat detached sort of personality.
He is not someone you would necessarily go to about your emotions, but someone who you can always count on to make you laugh and lighten the mood. Your father is most likely someone with high intelligence and someone clever and fun.
Cancer Sun Relationship With Their Father
As a Cancer Sun, your father tends to be nurturing, supportive, and emotional. He is someone who is more prone to mood swings and tends to keep to himself a little more than most. He may be somewhat overprotective of you, and he prefers to keep his family close. He is someone who is there for you when you need him and is often your go-to person in life.
You see your dad as someone who is nurturing and compassionate, and you tend to like to spend time with him or be around his energy. Your dad is someone who shows he cares in the little ways.
Leo Sun Relationship With Their Father
As a Leo Sun, you are someone who most likely looks up to your father or the father figure in your life. You have a lot of respect for your father and may even see him as a hero.
Your dad is someone who is confident, prideful, and fun. He is someone you see as gregarious and successful and someone you tend to put on a pedestal in your life.
Your dad may also be highly connected to his ego and may have problems with anger issues or abrasive energy. Your relationship with your dad may change a lot as you get older, as you try to create a life of your own and move out of your father’s shadow and strong influence.
Virgo Sun Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your dad may be meticulous, hard-working, and detail-oriented, Virgo Sun. He may be a little hard on you or someone who has very high expectations for you and the family. He is someone who is very encouraging of you to go after your goals and put in the effort, and he is somewhat predictable for you as well.
He likes for things to be clean and orderly in the home and may put this same type of expectation on you, too. He may be the person in your life who demands a lot from you or who will put some extra responsibilities on your shoulders.
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Libra Sun Relationship With Their Father
As a Libra Sun, your father is the peacekeeper in the family and tries to create a harmonious life. He is someone who can see all points of view, and he is the mediator that everyone goes to. Your father may have a more feminine energy; he has good taste and is outgoing. He is the type of dad you can go shopping with, and he’d have fun doing it.
He is someone who may be a bit passive-aggressive, as he is not one for confrontation and doesn’t like having disagreements with you or others. He may also be someone who is hard to get a hold of or a little unstable and flaky.
Scorpio Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your dad is fun, optimistic, and generally positive, Scorpio Sun. He likes to be active, travel, and explore the world, and sees himself as someone adventurous. He is most likely well-educated, intelligent, and someone who teaches you a lot about life and encourages your educational pursuits as well.
Your dad is very in tune with his fun and youthful side, Scorpio Sun, and he is the guy that everyone loves. He may have a different background than your mother or where you are from and, overall, has a lot of insight to share with you in life.
Capricorn Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your father is someone who is very headstrong and capable, Capricorn Sun. He is someone who taught you early on in life that you can do anything you put your mind to with hard work and logic, and he is a very no-bullshit type of dad.
He is someone who pushes you to be the best that you can be, and he puts a lot of responsibilities on your plate because he believes you can handle it.
He most likely instilled some traditions in you that he grew up with, and he is a more nostalgic father. He is big on legacy and wants to make the family name proud.
Aquarius Sun Relationship With Their Father
Aquarius Sun, your father is someone who you find different from most fathers. He is unique, nontraditional, and inspiring for you, and you most likely have a good friendship with him as well. He is someone who encourages you to think outside of the box and to use your mind more than anything.
He could, however, be a little unpredictable, and someone a little more distant, and it’s difficult to know what to expect with him. You may take on a lot of your father’s more different or unusual traits, and he is someone who shapes your future a lot in life.
Pisces Sun Relationship With Their Father
Your dad is more emotional, creative, distant, and moody. He may be an artist, a musician, or someone who has a more creative career. Your dad is someone who shares how much you mean to him, someone inspiring, and someone who is compassionate towards you, Pisces Sun.
However, there could also be some issues with substance abuse, escapism, or not feeling stability with your father. He is someone who is vague and may not have very much influence in your life or someone who you see very often. You may feel very vulnerable around your father or see him in a weaker sense in life.
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