Black Fathers On How Being A Dad Shaped Them Into Who They Are Today
For as long as I can remember, I have always been a daddy’s girl. And even though my father has been present in my life, I am fully aware that that is not the same story for others. Regardless of if you are close with your father or not, a father/father figure in your life shapes you as an adult in ways that you may not even realize. Fathers, especially Black fathers, are so important to our community and should be honored just as much as mothers. So it is only right to shine a light on some amazing Black fathers who are out here doing the best they can to enrich their children's lives.
In honor of Black fatherhood as a whole, xoNecole chatted with Kier Gaines is a licensed therapist, a content creator, and the founder of the lifestyle brand Kier and Them; Tony Ingram who works in the U.S. Navy and is well known for his Black Loveepisode he appeared in with his wife, Brittany Ingram; and Anthony Edwards, a digital creator and the host of his podcast, No Guru Ish, where he talks about birth, motherhood, and fatherhood. Each of these men comes from different walks of life.
For this Father’s Day, these Black men were open and honest about their perspectives on what being a father means to them, how their father figures shaped them, and the kind of legacy they hope to leave behind.
xoNecole: Who would you say was a role model for you while growing up?
Kier Gaines, 35: I don’t think I really looked up to anyone when I was growing up. I grew up in the projects of Washington D.C. and during the crack-cocaine epidemic, so I had a weird mix of environments. Outside my home, there’s violence and crime. But inside my home, there’s love, culture, and comfort. I saw older guys with things that I wanted like clothes, cars, and women. But at the same time, it was clear to me that those same guys lived lifestyles that I didn’t want. So I never saw myself in them. Now as an adult, I do have a couple of people that I look up to. But back then, I didn’t.
Tony Ingram, 38: I had a unique situation growing up. I have two dads. I have my stepfather and my biological father. They were both very present in my life. My stepfather raised me. My biological father and my mom were young parents and they didn’t work out. Then, my stepfather met my mom and raised me as his own. He fostered an environment for me to stay connected with my biological father. Both of my fathers had great attributes that really helped me become the father I am today.
Anthony Edwards, 33: For me, it’s a no-brainer that my role model is my father. My father worked hard and was a hustler. He was born in Jamaica and he had three jobs. Despite working a lot, he always tried to make time for me, even though it was hard at times.
xoN: How has your relationship with your father shaped how you display fatherhood to your children?
Kier: I didn’t have a relationship with my father. It was really my peers that were my father figures. My friends are the people I chose at the rawest stages in my life, so we were able to grow together. It’s different when it’s your peers because they do not have the wisdom of "years of experience" compared to you, but you still respect their lived experiences. At the end of the day, after all the trials and tribulations, my friends are still good fathers, good husbands, and most importantly, good humans. That is what I relate to the most. We feed into each other.
Tony: My stepfather was my coach. He taught me how to be respectful, and determined, and how to stand on your word. Now I pride myself on chivalry. I display that with my wife and both of my daughters. Now, with my biological father, he is the kindest person you would ever meet. He is the type of man that will give the shirt off his back for someone. He is also an adoptive father. He and my stepmother adopted my little brother at birth. The kind of heart that you have to have to do that is next level for me. I learned how to be compassionate [toward] others from him.
Anthony: It’s a little different for me. My father worked a lot which made him miss certain events in my life that I wish he was present for. I think those moments made me realize that, when I have a son, I will make sure to be completely present with my son. So you can say that my relationship with my dad made me want to do the opposite of some of the things he did as a father.
"At the end of the day, after all the trials and tribulations, my friends are still good fathers, good husbands, and most importantly, good humans. That is what I relate to the most. We feed into each other."
Courtesy of Kier Gaines
xoN: What is something that you wish you could've asked your father as a child that you didn't get a chance to?
Kier: It’s so funny. My brain has a protective mechanism where it leads me to believe that I do not need those kinds of answers. That is something that I am currently working through. I am less interested in asking why he wasn’t present. But one thing I am curious about is the origin story of my mom and his relationship. I don’t know anything about it. Like what did they talk about? Or what made them gravitate towards one another? You know, outside of the romantic side of things.
Tony: If I could ask them a question it would be about relationships with women. Like, how to establish a healthy relationship with a woman. To be transparent, yes my stepfather was a great father, but he wasn’t the greatest husband. He told me everything I was supposed to do, but I didn’t see it always displayed with my mom. With my biological father, I remember that he and my stepmother got divorced when I was a senior in high school. Honestly, that really crushed me. So I would ask him, how do you maintain a healthy marriage? I am curious about what happened there.
Anthony: You know, my father is really good at soccer. He still plays soccer to this day. I think I would ask him what his life was like before he met my mother. I know I had a life before my family. I didn’t have the heart to ask my dad those questions back then. I want to be able to share that kind of stuff with my son when he gets older.
Courtesy of Anthony Edwards
xoN: What do you enjoy most about being a father?
Kier: Man, being a girl dad is different. When you become a girl dad, you become a feminist. Automatically! For me, I have a weird relationship with parenthood. I don't always love it, I’m not going to lie to you. But I am always deeply in love with my children. I think the main thing is watching them grow. It’s crazy to me! You hear people talk about it all the time, but there’s a true bond there. I grew up as an only child, so watching both of my daughters grow as individuals and growing together is such a beautiful thing. It brings me so much joy.
Tony: The coolest thing I love about being a father is that I get to be a role model for my daughters. I’m able to show them what ‘doing things right’ looks like in my eyes. I can set a precedent for my daughters on who to give your energy to based on setting a standard and honoring your values. On a smaller scale, I love when I come home from work, I walk through the door, and both of my daughters welcome me at the door. They say “Hi Daddy!” like 30 times and it is just the best feeling in the world. Coming home from work to them is a whole new joy for me.
Anthony: Honestly, I like the responsibility of being a father. It makes you poke your chest out a little bit. I see fatherhood as ‘I’m a captain of my team and I am leading my team to victory.’ I like the challenge of being a father and being able to learn along the way.
xoN: What have your children taught you about the definition of what being a father means?
Kier: So my first daughter wasn’t planned. I had my daughter with my then-girlfriend, who is now my wife. At that time, we actually decided to break up a couple of months later. Sometimes in those situations, it is a tough hill to climb. So falling in love with my first daughter was a different journey. Now my second daughter, whom I had with my wife, was planned. What my daughters taught me, I could write 40 novels about it so far (laughs). But overall, how I came to love them taught me a lot about love, life, and about myself.
Tony: Harleigh is my first born. With her, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and I felt unprepared. But to be honest, becoming a father is nothing you can ever be fully prepared for. Admittedly, I was more stern with her because I was very protective of her. With Willow, I was more lenient about things. I figured out which things matter and which things didn't matter as much. I have learned to be patient from Harleigh to Willow. I have also learned about being more in tune with my feelings because of my daughters. Man, I can cry at the drop of a hat now!
Anthony: I was a stepfather before having my son. My daughter, I have known her since she was 2 years old. My daughter plays a huge role in everything that I do as a father. She has taught me patience and setting boundaries as a stepparent because her father is still a part of her life. My son has taught me something different about what being a father means. On my podcast, No Guru Ish, I express that my wife and I had to go through IVF because I am infertile.
When we talk about infertility, we always highlight women. But there are men out there who experience male infertility and I’m one of them. The process was very stressful and to say that I needed help to have my son still kind of bothers me, if we are being completely real. But I am so grateful for my son because IVF is still not guaranteed. It is a miracle to have my son and it is an honor for me to be his father. Every minute is so precious to me when it comes to fatherhood.
"When we talk about infertility, we always highlight women. But there are men out there who experience male infertility and I’m one of them. It is a miracle to have my son and it is an honor for me to be his father. Every minute is so precious to me when it comes to fatherhood."
Courtesy of Anthony Edwards
xoN: Are there things that you wish you had done differently as a father?
Kier: No. I’m a firm believer in 'a series of doors leads into a series of doors and that leads to another series of doors.’ You make decisions and those decisions trickle down. I will say though, that I am glad I went to therapy before becoming a father. That is something I am really proud of myself for doing. I believe this journey of fatherhood would have been much more arduous if I hadn’t.
Tony: I am in the Navy. That requires me to travel a lot. The last three years, I haven’t been home as much and time is what I miss the most. You can’t get that time back. I wouldn’t say I would make another career choice because I am very grateful for the position I am in now. But looking back, I would take my career choice more into consideration when it comes to how it will affect my time spent with my family.
Anthony: I will start with my son. My son is only 6 months old, so I will say that I would push him to do things like make him roll over and stuff but I had to take a step back and remind myself that I need to slow down. I need him to do things on his own in his own time. With my daughter, she’s 15 now and I’m 33 years old. So the age difference is at the point where we can hang out, but when it comes to discipline, I have to be that authority figure. I didn’t set that boundary in the beginning. I wish that I could’ve set that boundary between friend and parent earlier than I did now.
xoN: How has being a father shaped your views on love in your marriage?
Kier: Parenthood has made my wife and I a better team. We are both committed to the idea “I got into this relationship with you and not these kids. We put ourselves first.” Now I know that’s a very controversial thing to say. I know people have different hierarchies where they place their children. And hey, that thing (hierarchy chart) moves too! But being a father has taught me how to take care of my wife as a person beyond motherhood. I know she still needs me as a friend, as a husband, and as a companion.
Tony: Being a father has allowed me the space to demonstrate to my daughters what authentic love looks like by the way I love my wife. I am very intentional about how I communicate with my wife and vice versa. My wife and I respect each other’s boundaries and prioritize being on one accord, even if we disagree on something. I need my daughters to witness and understand what a positive healthy relationship looks like. Because if I am being toxic to my wife, then there’s a chance that is what they are going to seek without realizing it. Model behavior is key.
Anthony: The love I have for my wife has grown and I didn’t think it would. The fact that my wife stuck it out through IVF for me is amazing. Now that I’m a father [biologically], my son definitely completed the circle. The bond between us has really gotten deeper after we had our son and it is true unconditional love.
"Being a father has allowed me the space to demonstrate to my daughters what authentic love looks like by the way I love my wife. I am very intentional about how I communicate with my wife and vice versa. My wife and I respect each other’s boundaries and prioritize being on one accord, even if we disagree on something."
Courtesy of Tony Ingram
xoN: What advice do you have for other men that are looking for that sense of community of being a father?
Kier: I say to broaden your circle. Sometimes we automatically look for people who look like us because we assume they have shared the same life experiences and have similar perspectives. That is mostly true. But when you are able to connect with someone on a human level, those differences aren’t a huge factor. There are some things you could miss out on if you do not connect with people with different backgrounds.
Anthony: With my situation, building a sense of community can be a little challenging. I would be vulnerable with some people about my infertility and you never know how people are going to respond. It can definitely be triggering. So what I’m learning now is when I talk about dismantling the stigma on male infertility, I have to look past the negative responses that I might receive. It’s about making awareness and knowing that the awareness helps so many other couples feel seen. So the advice I can give is I think it’s important for men to first know their status with producing children. There are fertility specialists out there and to not only depend on women to know those things. Whether you are a biological father or not, being a father is a blessing and having space to share those experiences with other fathers is important too.
xoN: How would you like your legacy to be remembered? What would you like your children to keep with them about their father, years down the line?
Kier: I think that when you talk about legacy, it’s not really on you. I can bring things into the world, and people are going to read into those things however they want. But the main thing that I want my children to keep with them is to pay it forward. I want them to be satisfied with who they are as individuals because they saw their father happy with who he was. My daughters do not need to be perfect or widely accomplished women. I know there are women who have multiple degrees and multiple businesses but are still unhappy with themselves. So as long as my daughters are happy and know that their father is/was a good man who tried to put good in the Universe, that’s the only thing that matters to me.
Tony: When it comes to legacy, your character and integrity are non-negotiable. The values that I have, have to be solid. For my daughters, I want them to know their father was courageous, his character and integrity were intact, and how to stay ten toes down for what they believe in. Now my wife and I will be having a son soon. When I tell you when we found out we were having a son, there was something that came over me. I thought to myself, ‘You are about to have a mini you.’ My prayer for my son is to be a healthy masculine young man that walks with courage, faith, and integrity. I want him to respect himself and be mindful of his feelings. I want to teach him that it is okay to feel his feelings. Manhood is vulnerability as well as being firm. I want to teach him to not allow others to put him in a box. I want him to be great in his own right. I want him to look up to me and be proud of me.
Anthony: I want my children to know that their dad is relentless and I invested so much into them. I want them to know it is important to believe in themselves and not allow society to throw them off the course. I want my children to also know that if things do get hard, it’s okay because their father made sure that there is a soft landing for them to bounce back from when they fall.
Featured image courtesy of Anthony Edwards
'K' is a multi-hyphenated free spirit from Chicago. She is a lover of stories and the people who tell them. As a writer, 9-5er, and Safe Space Curator, she values creating the life she wants and enjoying the journey along the way. You can follow her on Instagram @theletter__k_.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images