Kayla Nicole Shares Heartfelt Letter To Black Girls Amid Backlash: 'We Love, We Hurt, We Heal'
The journey to healing after a break-up isn’t linear, but to reach a place of acceptance as time passes is one step closer to closing the chapter.
But when you’re forced to relive your past due to the high-profile nature of your ex’s new relationship, with rumors and opinions swirling around your name, there comes a point where one can choose to move with grace and reclaim the narrative — and thus is the case with Kayla Nicole.
Kayla Nicole, 31, is a sports broadcaster, fitness influencer, and the ex-girlfriend of NFL tight-end star, Travis Kelce. The two began dating in 2017. Then in January of this year, Kelce revealed in an interview with The Pivot that he was “in the free market right now,” confirming the two’s breakup.
Over the last few weeks, the internet has been ablaze with rumors of Kelce now dating pop megastar, Taylor Swift. News of which, had placed Kayla back into public discourses and subjected her to online harassment around her race and Kelce’s preferences.
I feel so bad for Kayla Nicole, that girl is being harassed by annoying Taylor Swift fans and NFL fans and weird black men who have white women fetishes simply because her ex started dating again…
— Kennedy B. (@kennbanks) September 26, 2023
While she wasn’t rushed to make any public statements about the rumors, on Tuesday, the on-air sports journalist took to her Instagram page to share a heartfelt open letter to Black girls and addressed the “backlash" from internet bullies.
“It’s always been really important for me to use my platform, not to create division, but to elevate and unite women, Black women specifically,” she stated in the video.
“Dear Black girl, they may call you a traitor for falling in love. You’ll hope the ones closest will protect you, but you will quickly find out that people don’t protect what they don’t value,” Kayla said.
“They’ll say you’re too much, too provocative, too boisterous, too outspoken, and in the same breath, tell you that you aren’t enough. They’ll say you deserve the backlash and embarrassment. Because of your Blackness, you should have known better. They’ll even try to tie your value to your net worth. But Black girl, please remember your value lies elsewhere. Your value is deep within your heart," she said.
Kayla went on to share the importance of protecting one’s peace from “one-sided” scrutiny, emphasizing the power of silence.
"You don't have to participate in this tumultuous, often one-sided journey. Preserve your heart, even when they try to quantify your character and test your boundaries, you do not have to engage. You do not have to respond because there is power in your silence."
She also expresses solidarity in the human experience, reminding herself and others of their inherent worth and sufficiency on days of self-doubt.
"My truth, trauma, and vulnerability are a relatable part of the human experience. I know I’m not alone and I want to make sure you know that you’re not either. On days when I feel most inadequate, I have to remind myself that I am, have been, and will always be more than enough," Kayla continues.
While every relationship has its rough patches and highlights, Nicole makes notes of this sharing, "We love, we hurt, we heal." Emphasizing that, "Your story is yours to tell. when you feel like nobody knows or understands what it takes to be you, remember that you are a part of something way bigger."
Kayla ends the letter with a reminder that every Black girl deserves to hear, "Most importantly, I want you to remember that you are loved. You are valued. You are allowed to take up space. You deserve protection and your feelings — they matter too."
Recently, Maya Benberry, who dated Kelce after appearing on the dating reality show Catching Kelce in 2016, shared that she had received death threats from Swift’s fan base. “Swifties are aggressive, very negative, very hypocritical,” Maya revealed to Inside Edition. “It’s really crazy to me that someone I think is positive and really nice would have such a negative and angry fan base.”
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Featured image by Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images
Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images