A Father, By Any Other Name, Is Still A Father
I met my daughter's father when she was nine months old. He was the photographer for my grandmother's 80th birthday; little did I know, it would be our last images together. She was ill and went into the hospital that night; she passed three months later.
Although it was sad losing her, I found solace in knowing we commemorated her life that day. I have him to thank for that.
Since then, he's photographed every important event of my daughter's life: her first birthday, the second, and soon her seventh. He's recorded her first words, her first day of school, and many play dates in the park. I couldn't count the number of times he's picked up his phone for a quick picture, not wanting to miss any of those precious moments.
When he's not behind the camera, he's packing her lunch, putting her hair into a ponytail (as best he could), and helping her with her homework. My heart swells, seeing the bond between them grow tighter.
Dating as a single mom can be scary. There's always that fear that a potential partner won't get it, but he did. He made space for her.
There was no blueprint or script for him to become a father; he stepped into the role like it was made just for him. He didn't wait for me to permit him either. Like any new parent, he jumped in feet first and learned through trial and error. Looking back, we were just two young people trying to navigate adulthood, yet, love prevailed.
We became a family of three, beautifully orchestrated as if it were divine.
Some may say that I'm lucky to have found a man that loved me and accepted my child as his own. While others will ask how? I think it has less to do with luck and more to do with inner growth, and not allowing myself to get wrapped up in any man who didn't understand my value.
I required a man that was patient with me, someone who could understand my role as a mother; he got that. Fortunately, there were men in my life who stepped in to be father figures when I needed one. I knew I didn't need luck because it has been done for me.
Biology is the least of what makes someone a parent.
Today, without question, he proudly shows up as her father. He takes pride in letting everyone know his daughter is six going on 16. Sometimes, I pinch myself when I look at the two of them. Not only did she get a father, but I also got a partner. Truthfully, I didn't want to raise her alone. I am a self-sufficient person but understood my child could benefit from having two parents, and so she is. In the bigger picture, all she'll know is love. When we marry next year, she'll be our flower girl. And if she ever gets married, he'll be the one to walk her down the aisle. I hope that she'll find someone as compassionate and caring as he is to love her.
To the biological fathers who have not yet figured out where they fit it, come on in the door's open. We need you - a part of this tribe - to raise the next generation. There's always room for reconciliation if you're willing and ready to do the work.
A father, by any other name, is still a father.
For those who have assumed this special position, thank you for stepping up when others could not. Your presence is invaluable.
Featured image courtesy of Ayana Iman/Instagram
Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage