12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own

1. There Are Friends. Then There Are REAL Friends.

Last year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “5 Kinds Of Friends You Need. 3 Kinds Of Friends You Don't.” Apparently, I was confirming something scientific without even really knowing it because, there is research which says that over the course of our lives, we will only have 29 actual friends — six, at the most, will last a lifetime. Intel also states that we will lose touch with somewhere around 50 percent of the friends that we make too.

As I pondered this, I must admit that I would have to agree because, one of my closest friends from my teen years, and I remained close until my early 30s. Then, between her work schedule and my constantly changing my phone number, we just…faded out. There was no fallout. I still adore her. We just…lost touch. Maybe writing this out is a universal cue to try and look her up. Maybe. We’ll see.

2. Friendships Actually Have “Pillars.” Seven of ‘Em.

Okay, and what makes you keep the six friends that will end up going the distance? Something tells me that the seven pillars that an emeritus professor of evolutionary psychology came up with play a significant role: language, geography, educational experiences, hobbies/interests, moral/spiritual perspectives, political views, and similar senses of humor/same tastes in music.

As I took all of this in, although I have about as many friends out of state as I do in state (which nixes the geography thing), the moral and political views, the same sense of humor (wit), and the music thing? Yeah, that definitely tracks. I went to dinner with a male friend just yesterday and about half of our conversation was about who can sing and who…can’t (in our opinion, of course).

3. Successful Friendships Have a “Formula”

So, apparently a former FBI agent (who also has his PhD) came up with something called a “friendship formula” that can help you to determine if your friendships are going to truly be successful — or not. There needs to be PROXIMITY which speaks to the distance (literally and metaphorically) that you and someone else have between you, FREQUENCY which speaks to how often the two of you speak/connect, DURATION which speaks to the amount of time you spend with said-friend and INTENSITY which speaks to how well you both are at meeting each other’s innermost needs.

If you actually take this formula seriously, some of y’all will have to “edit” that, “My closest friends, we can go months without speaking and pick right up where we left off.” I mean, perhaps, yet is that friendship or familiarity? Real friendships tend to need a bit more maintenance than mere sporadic catch-up calls. The formula says so.

4. Certain Phrases Are Gaslighting You into a Friendship Break-Up

Recently, while talking to a little love sister of mine, it was interesting to see her go through the internal growth spurt that I think a lot of people do around the age of 35 (she will be that in November). She was talking about some slick sh-t that she used to tolerate people saying in her life that she doesn’t anymore. It was fascinating how some of those very things are featured in an article that I read on CNBC’s website not too long ago.

Bottom line, according to the article, there are toxic phrases that if your friends (or so-called friends) use, it can be a sign that it’s time to shift them out of your world. The ones that particularly caught my attention are when you’re told that you are too sensitive, that you can’t take a joke, or when your friends don’t give genuine apologies. What this all points to is dismissing your feelings which can make a person unsafe. Friends should always make you feel...safe.

5. If Your Friendships Last This Long, You’ve Got Them for Life

Yeah, this is one that totally gets a very well-earned side-eye from me. According to some psychologists, if you’ve got a friendship that has lasted for seven years or more, you’ve got a friend for life. Uh-huh, well, several years back, I penned an article for the site about a childhood friend of mine who ghosted me when I was in my 40s. Then, just a few years ago, I ended a friendship with a guy who decided that, even after our friendship made it through a fiancée and a wife (twice because he divorced and then married his wife again and I was their marriage life coach through it), his new girlfriend of just a couple of months could dictate how close he and I should be.

Had he not jacked it up, we would’ve made it to 30 years (we met in college). Not to mention the fact that there is other research that says that we actually tend to replace friends every seven years or so. I wrote about that earlier this year. Check out “Lost Some Friends Lately? Welp. Has It Been Seven Years?” to learn more. So, like I said, I’m not sure about this one. I’m just putting it on record as food for thought, though.

6. Want a Healthy Friendship? Mind Your “Cs.”

A popular research project from the early 1980s came to the conclusion that all healthy relationships need the following “C” things: communication, compatibility, commitment, care, and compromise. When it comes to friendships in particular, I’d venture to say that many of them start due to compatibility and end due to a lack of compromise. Hop in the comments for your thoughts on this one.

7. There Are Eight Main Reasons Why Friendships End

On the heels of what I just said, what do you also think about some data that reveals the top reasons why friendships end up…ending: no longer having shared interests; a lack of time to invest in the friendship; not having the same expectations; betrayal; a lack of reciprocity; not knowing how to (properly) handle conflict; becoming more than friends and it not working out, and clashing when it comes to perceptions of a friend’s family or other friends.

Personally, what I was surprised to not see on here is pride. It’s amazing how many relationships, of all kinds, end because people care more about their ego than their connection with another person. Hmph. Maybe that’s just me, though.

8. Friends Are Almost As Genetically Similar As Married Folks

When I first noticed the title “Friends Are More Similar Genetically Than Strangers, Study Says” in a TIME piece, I basically thought, “I mean, is that really news?” Then I decided to check it out more thoroughly and what did catch my attention is the fact that the same article stated that somewhere around two-thirds of friends actually have the same kind of genetic similarities as married people. It’s all due to something called “social homophily” which basically means that folks have the ability to form strong bonds based on similar shared characteristics that can be traced all the way back to genetics. Pretty interesting, huh?

9. Co-Workers Ain’t As Loyal As You Might Think (or Want)

Personally, I think that making close friends at work can get dicey on a billion different levels because boundaries can get crossed, issues can affect productivity, and, what if you happen to fall out with a work friend? Talk about AWKWARD. Plus, I once read a TIME article entitled, “Study: Most Millennials Would Dump a Friend to Get Ahead at Work” which pretty much means that, oh, 7 times outta 10, you should probably prepare to be seen as disposable when it comes to a work friend choosing you over a promotion when it comes to loyalty and devotion.

That said, always remember a motto of mine: there is a lot of space between “friend” and “enemy” and so, while being cool and cordial with co-workers is always a wise move, becoming close friends? At the very least, proceed with caution. Extremely so.

10. People Determine Their Friendships Based on How Their Friends Feel About Them

There’s a guy I know who used to say all of the time that many people consider him to be their best friend when he wouldn’t put them in that category of his relationships at all. Chile, he’d better not show them this article because there is data to support that one thing social media has revealed is individuals have a tendency to value their friendships based on how others value them. In other words, if you say that someone is extremely close to you and you let the world know that via your IG page, they will probably say that they see you in the same light. On the other hand, if you don’t…they won’t. Sounds a bit high schoolish to me but…whatever. LOL.

11. A Romantic Relationship Will Probably Cost You Some Friends

Something that I am known for saying is when one of my close friends gets married, I automatically “demote” myself as far as intimacy ranking goes. Why? Because when people gain a spouse, their lives are going to change; that is a given, and friends who think that they should be prioritized over someone’s marriage — whew, are they in for a ride of sheer delusion.

In fact, some research indicates that whenever you get into a romantic relationship, you can pretty much prepare to lose at least two friends. A part of the reason is because science says that most of us tend to have no more than five close friends at a time and since a serious relationship can sometimes require the energy and effort of two people, well, there ya go.

12. Friendship Is What Makes a Marriage Go the Distance

I’ve been through a couple of friendship break-ups that damn near took my breath away, so I totally get it when I see articles like HuffPost’s “Why Friendship Breakups Can Be More Devastating Than Romantic Ones” and The Conversation’s “Friend breakups: why they can sometimes feel as bad as falling out of love.” Although I must say that what all of this amplifies to me is why people should have friendship at the foundation of their friendship, to begin with. Because, while some folks are out here feeling like their friends are a part of them, Scripture literally says that spouses are to “become one” (Genesis 2:24-25).

Besides…know what else science reveals? The key to a lasting marriage is true friendship anyway. Checkmate.

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So, how do your friendships match up to what science has said? There’s no time like the present to do some (re)evaluating and a bit of inventory (check out “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins”) because, it’s one thing to have friends — it’s a totally different matter to have genuine friendships that bless and benefit your life? Amen? Amen, sis.

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