Friends. No matter how many you have (or don’t have), it’s a pretty irrefutable fact that we all need at least one or two of 'em. Why? Well, for starters, there’s all kinds of research out here that says good friends (emphasis on “good”) are great for both your mental as well as your physical health. That’s because friends can help boost your self-esteem, give you solid support, and help reduce your stress levels.
So, with all of this being the case, why does it seem like there are so many articles (like these here, here, here, here, and here) out in cyberspace that talk about us living in a time where we are having less friends than ever? While there are probably dozens of answers to that question, I think one of the main ones is that people tend to take their friendships for granted. Then, as a direct result, they don’t really learn how to properly maintain them and, as we all know, if you don’t water a plant…it dies. And yes, if you don’t nurture your friendships, they can (eventually) too.
As someone who is damn near a research addict, I thought it would be fun for me and possibly insightful to you to learn what science has to say about certain aspects of friendship. With any luck, paying attention to the following 12 points could help you to choose (more or new) friends wisely, take care of your good friends, and also release the friendships that aren’t right for you — not just based on your feelings but some proven facts (which is what science is all about).
Audrey Hepburn once said, “True friends are family that you select.” So true, so true. Let’s see how healthy your friend-family-friendships are, shall we?
1. There Are Friends. Then There Are REAL Friends.
GiphyLast year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “5 Kinds Of Friends You Need. 3 Kinds Of Friends You Don't.” Apparently, I was confirming something scientific without even really knowing it because, there is research which says that over the course of our lives, we will only have 29 actual friends — six, at the most, will last a lifetime. Intel also states that we will lose touch with somewhere around 50 percent of the friends that we make too.
As I pondered this, I must admit that I would have to agree because, one of my closest friends from my teen years, and I remained close until my early 30s. Then, between her work schedule and my constantly changing my phone number, we just…faded out. There was no fallout. I still adore her. We just…lost touch. Maybe writing this out is a universal cue to try and look her up. Maybe. We’ll see.
2. Friendships Actually Have “Pillars.” Seven of ‘Em.
GiphyOkay, and what makes you keep the six friends that will end up going the distance? Something tells me that the seven pillars that an emeritus professor of evolutionary psychology came up with play a significant role: language, geography, educational experiences, hobbies/interests, moral/spiritual perspectives, political views, and similar senses of humor/same tastes in music.
As I took all of this in, although I have about as many friends out of state as I do in state (which nixes the geography thing), the moral and political views, the same sense of humor (wit), and the music thing? Yeah, that definitely tracks. I went to dinner with a male friend just yesterday and about half of our conversation was about who can sing and who…can’t (in our opinion, of course).
3. Successful Friendships Have a “Formula”
GiphySo, apparently a former FBI agent (who also has his PhD) came up with something called a “friendship formula” that can help you to determine if your friendships are going to truly be successful — or not. There needs to be PROXIMITY which speaks to the distance (literally and metaphorically) that you and someone else have between you, FREQUENCY which speaks to how often the two of you speak/connect, DURATION which speaks to the amount of time you spend with said-friend and INTENSITY which speaks to how well you both are at meeting each other’s innermost needs.
If you actually take this formula seriously, some of y’all will have to “edit” that, “My closest friends, we can go months without speaking and pick right up where we left off.” I mean, perhaps, yet is that friendship or familiarity? Real friendships tend to need a bit more maintenance than mere sporadic catch-up calls. The formula says so.
4. Certain Phrases Are Gaslighting You into a Friendship Break-Up
GiphyRecently, while talking to a little love sister of mine, it was interesting to see her go through the internal growth spurt that I think a lot of people do around the age of 35 (she will be that in November). She was talking about some slick sh-t that she used to tolerate people saying in her life that she doesn’t anymore. It was fascinating how some of those very things are featured in an article that I read on CNBC’s website not too long ago.
Bottom line, according to the article, there are toxic phrases that if your friends (or so-called friends) use, it can be a sign that it’s time to shift them out of your world. The ones that particularly caught my attention are when you’re told that you are too sensitive, that you can’t take a joke, or when your friends don’t give genuine apologies. What this all points to is dismissing your feelings which can make a person unsafe. Friends should always make you feel...safe.
5. If Your Friendships Last This Long, You’ve Got Them for Life
GiphyYeah, this is one that totally gets a very well-earned side-eye from me. According to some psychologists, if you’ve got a friendship that has lasted for seven years or more, you’ve got a friend for life. Uh-huh, well, several years back, I penned an article for the site about a childhood friend of mine who ghosted me when I was in my 40s. Then, just a few years ago, I ended a friendship with a guy who decided that, even after our friendship made it through a fiancée and a wife (twice because he divorced and then married his wife again and I was their marriage life coach through it), his new girlfriend of just a couple of months could dictate how close he and I should be.
Had he not jacked it up, we would’ve made it to 30 years (we met in college). Not to mention the fact that there is other research that says that we actually tend to replace friends every seven years or so. I wrote about that earlier this year. Check out “Lost Some Friends Lately? Welp. Has It Been Seven Years?” to learn more. So, like I said, I’m not sure about this one. I’m just putting it on record as food for thought, though.
6. Want a Healthy Friendship? Mind Your “Cs.”
GiphyA popular research project from the early 1980s came to the conclusion that all healthy relationships need the following “C” things: communication, compatibility, commitment, care, and compromise. When it comes to friendships in particular, I’d venture to say that many of them start due to compatibility and end due to a lack of compromise. Hop in the comments for your thoughts on this one.
7. There Are Eight Main Reasons Why Friendships End
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said, what do you also think about some data that reveals the top reasons why friendships end up…ending: no longer having shared interests; a lack of time to invest in the friendship; not having the same expectations; betrayal; a lack of reciprocity; not knowing how to (properly) handle conflict; becoming more than friends and it not working out, and clashing when it comes to perceptions of a friend’s family or other friends.
Personally, what I was surprised to not see on here is pride. It’s amazing how many relationships, of all kinds, end because people care more about their ego than their connection with another person. Hmph. Maybe that’s just me, though.
8. Friends Are Almost As Genetically Similar As Married Folks
GiphyWhen I first noticed the title “Friends Are More Similar Genetically Than Strangers, Study Says” in a TIME piece, I basically thought, “I mean, is that really news?” Then I decided to check it out more thoroughly and what did catch my attention is the fact that the same article stated that somewhere around two-thirds of friends actually have the same kind of genetic similarities as married people. It’s all due to something called “social homophily” which basically means that folks have the ability to form strong bonds based on similar shared characteristics that can be traced all the way back to genetics. Pretty interesting, huh?
9. Co-Workers Ain’t As Loyal As You Might Think (or Want)
GiphyPersonally, I think that making close friends at work can get dicey on a billion different levels because boundaries can get crossed, issues can affect productivity, and, what if you happen to fall out with a work friend? Talk about AWKWARD. Plus, I once read a TIME article entitled, “Study: Most Millennials Would Dump a Friend to Get Ahead at Work” which pretty much means that, oh, 7 times outta 10, you should probably prepare to be seen as disposable when it comes to a work friend choosing you over a promotion when it comes to loyalty and devotion.
That said, always remember a motto of mine: there is a lot of space between “friend” and “enemy” and so, while being cool and cordial with co-workers is always a wise move, becoming close friends? At the very least, proceed with caution. Extremely so.
10. People Determine Their Friendships Based on How Their Friends Feel About Them
GiphyThere’s a guy I know who used to say all of the time that many people consider him to be their best friend when he wouldn’t put them in that category of his relationships at all. Chile, he’d better not show them this article because there is data to support that one thing social media has revealed is individuals have a tendency to value their friendships based on how others value them. In other words, if you say that someone is extremely close to you and you let the world know that via your IG page, they will probably say that they see you in the same light. On the other hand, if you don’t…they won’t. Sounds a bit high schoolish to me but…whatever. LOL.
11. A Romantic Relationship Will Probably Cost You Some Friends
GiphySomething that I am known for saying is when one of my close friends gets married, I automatically “demote” myself as far as intimacy ranking goes. Why? Because when people gain a spouse, their lives are going to change; that is a given, and friends who think that they should be prioritized over someone’s marriage — whew, are they in for a ride of sheer delusion.
In fact, some research indicates that whenever you get into a romantic relationship, you can pretty much prepare to lose at least two friends. A part of the reason is because science says that most of us tend to have no more than five close friends at a time and since a serious relationship can sometimes require the energy and effort of two people, well, there ya go.
12. Friendship Is What Makes a Marriage Go the Distance
GiphyI’ve been through a couple of friendship break-ups that damn near took my breath away, so I totally get it when I see articles like HuffPost’s “Why Friendship Breakups Can Be More Devastating Than Romantic Ones” and The Conversation’s “Friend breakups: why they can sometimes feel as bad as falling out of love.” Although I must say that what all of this amplifies to me is why people should have friendship at the foundation of their friendship, to begin with. Because, while some folks are out here feeling like their friends are a part of them, Scripture literally says that spouses are to “become one” (Genesis 2:24-25).
Besides…know what else science reveals? The key to a lasting marriage is true friendship anyway. Checkmate.
___
So, how do your friendships match up to what science has said? There’s no time like the present to do some (re)evaluating and a bit of inventory (check out “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins”) because, it’s one thing to have friends — it’s a totally different matter to have genuine friendships that bless and benefit your life? Amen? Amen, sis.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
- Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That? ›
- 6 Scriptures That Speak On The True Value Of Friendship ›
- What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About? ›
RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
Riska/Getty Images
1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
Riska/Getty Images
19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by
