Friends. No matter how many you have (or don’t have), it’s a pretty irrefutable fact that we all need at least one or two of 'em. Why? Well, for starters, there’s all kinds of research out here that says good friends (emphasis on “good”) are great for both your mental as well as your physical health. That’s because friends can help boost your self-esteem, give you solid support, and help reduce your stress levels.
So, with all of this being the case, why does it seem like there are so many articles (like these here, here, here, here, and here) out in cyberspace that talk about us living in a time where we are having less friends than ever? While there are probably dozens of answers to that question, I think one of the main ones is that people tend to take their friendships for granted. Then, as a direct result, they don’t really learn how to properly maintain them and, as we all know, if you don’t water a plant…it dies. And yes, if you don’t nurture your friendships, they can (eventually) too.
As someone who is damn near a research addict, I thought it would be fun for me and possibly insightful to you to learn what science has to say about certain aspects of friendship. With any luck, paying attention to the following 12 points could help you to choose (more or new) friends wisely, take care of your good friends, and also release the friendships that aren’t right for you — not just based on your feelings but some proven facts (which is what science is all about).
Audrey Hepburn once said, “True friends are family that you select.” So true, so true. Let’s see how healthy your friend-family-friendships are, shall we?
1. There Are Friends. Then There Are REAL Friends.
GiphyLast year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “5 Kinds Of Friends You Need. 3 Kinds Of Friends You Don't.” Apparently, I was confirming something scientific without even really knowing it because, there is research which says that over the course of our lives, we will only have 29 actual friends — six, at the most, will last a lifetime. Intel also states that we will lose touch with somewhere around 50 percent of the friends that we make too.
As I pondered this, I must admit that I would have to agree because, one of my closest friends from my teen years, and I remained close until my early 30s. Then, between her work schedule and my constantly changing my phone number, we just…faded out. There was no fallout. I still adore her. We just…lost touch. Maybe writing this out is a universal cue to try and look her up. Maybe. We’ll see.
2. Friendships Actually Have “Pillars.” Seven of ‘Em.
GiphyOkay, and what makes you keep the six friends that will end up going the distance? Something tells me that the seven pillars that an emeritus professor of evolutionary psychology came up with play a significant role: language, geography, educational experiences, hobbies/interests, moral/spiritual perspectives, political views, and similar senses of humor/same tastes in music.
As I took all of this in, although I have about as many friends out of state as I do in state (which nixes the geography thing), the moral and political views, the same sense of humor (wit), and the music thing? Yeah, that definitely tracks. I went to dinner with a male friend just yesterday and about half of our conversation was about who can sing and who…can’t (in our opinion, of course).
3. Successful Friendships Have a “Formula”
GiphySo, apparently a former FBI agent (who also has his PhD) came up with something called a “friendship formula” that can help you to determine if your friendships are going to truly be successful — or not. There needs to be PROXIMITY which speaks to the distance (literally and metaphorically) that you and someone else have between you, FREQUENCY which speaks to how often the two of you speak/connect, DURATION which speaks to the amount of time you spend with said-friend and INTENSITY which speaks to how well you both are at meeting each other’s innermost needs.
If you actually take this formula seriously, some of y’all will have to “edit” that, “My closest friends, we can go months without speaking and pick right up where we left off.” I mean, perhaps, yet is that friendship or familiarity? Real friendships tend to need a bit more maintenance than mere sporadic catch-up calls. The formula says so.
4. Certain Phrases Are Gaslighting You into a Friendship Break-Up
GiphyRecently, while talking to a little love sister of mine, it was interesting to see her go through the internal growth spurt that I think a lot of people do around the age of 35 (she will be that in November). She was talking about some slick sh-t that she used to tolerate people saying in her life that she doesn’t anymore. It was fascinating how some of those very things are featured in an article that I read on CNBC’s website not too long ago.
Bottom line, according to the article, there are toxic phrases that if your friends (or so-called friends) use, it can be a sign that it’s time to shift them out of your world. The ones that particularly caught my attention are when you’re told that you are too sensitive, that you can’t take a joke, or when your friends don’t give genuine apologies. What this all points to is dismissing your feelings which can make a person unsafe. Friends should always make you feel...safe.
5. If Your Friendships Last This Long, You’ve Got Them for Life
GiphyYeah, this is one that totally gets a very well-earned side-eye from me. According to some psychologists, if you’ve got a friendship that has lasted for seven years or more, you’ve got a friend for life. Uh-huh, well, several years back, I penned an article for the site about a childhood friend of mine who ghosted me when I was in my 40s. Then, just a few years ago, I ended a friendship with a guy who decided that, even after our friendship made it through a fiancée and a wife (twice because he divorced and then married his wife again and I was their marriage life coach through it), his new girlfriend of just a couple of months could dictate how close he and I should be.
Had he not jacked it up, we would’ve made it to 30 years (we met in college). Not to mention the fact that there is other research that says that we actually tend to replace friends every seven years or so. I wrote about that earlier this year. Check out “Lost Some Friends Lately? Welp. Has It Been Seven Years?” to learn more. So, like I said, I’m not sure about this one. I’m just putting it on record as food for thought, though.
6. Want a Healthy Friendship? Mind Your “Cs.”
GiphyA popular research project from the early 1980s came to the conclusion that all healthy relationships need the following “C” things: communication, compatibility, commitment, care, and compromise. When it comes to friendships in particular, I’d venture to say that many of them start due to compatibility and end due to a lack of compromise. Hop in the comments for your thoughts on this one.
7. There Are Eight Main Reasons Why Friendships End
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said, what do you also think about some data that reveals the top reasons why friendships end up…ending: no longer having shared interests; a lack of time to invest in the friendship; not having the same expectations; betrayal; a lack of reciprocity; not knowing how to (properly) handle conflict; becoming more than friends and it not working out, and clashing when it comes to perceptions of a friend’s family or other friends.
Personally, what I was surprised to not see on here is pride. It’s amazing how many relationships, of all kinds, end because people care more about their ego than their connection with another person. Hmph. Maybe that’s just me, though.
8. Friends Are Almost As Genetically Similar As Married Folks
GiphyWhen I first noticed the title “Friends Are More Similar Genetically Than Strangers, Study Says” in a TIME piece, I basically thought, “I mean, is that really news?” Then I decided to check it out more thoroughly and what did catch my attention is the fact that the same article stated that somewhere around two-thirds of friends actually have the same kind of genetic similarities as married people. It’s all due to something called “social homophily” which basically means that folks have the ability to form strong bonds based on similar shared characteristics that can be traced all the way back to genetics. Pretty interesting, huh?
9. Co-Workers Ain’t As Loyal As You Might Think (or Want)
GiphyPersonally, I think that making close friends at work can get dicey on a billion different levels because boundaries can get crossed, issues can affect productivity, and, what if you happen to fall out with a work friend? Talk about AWKWARD. Plus, I once read a TIME article entitled, “Study: Most Millennials Would Dump a Friend to Get Ahead at Work” which pretty much means that, oh, 7 times outta 10, you should probably prepare to be seen as disposable when it comes to a work friend choosing you over a promotion when it comes to loyalty and devotion.
That said, always remember a motto of mine: there is a lot of space between “friend” and “enemy” and so, while being cool and cordial with co-workers is always a wise move, becoming close friends? At the very least, proceed with caution. Extremely so.
10. People Determine Their Friendships Based on How Their Friends Feel About Them
GiphyThere’s a guy I know who used to say all of the time that many people consider him to be their best friend when he wouldn’t put them in that category of his relationships at all. Chile, he’d better not show them this article because there is data to support that one thing social media has revealed is individuals have a tendency to value their friendships based on how others value them. In other words, if you say that someone is extremely close to you and you let the world know that via your IG page, they will probably say that they see you in the same light. On the other hand, if you don’t…they won’t. Sounds a bit high schoolish to me but…whatever. LOL.
11. A Romantic Relationship Will Probably Cost You Some Friends
GiphySomething that I am known for saying is when one of my close friends gets married, I automatically “demote” myself as far as intimacy ranking goes. Why? Because when people gain a spouse, their lives are going to change; that is a given, and friends who think that they should be prioritized over someone’s marriage — whew, are they in for a ride of sheer delusion.
In fact, some research indicates that whenever you get into a romantic relationship, you can pretty much prepare to lose at least two friends. A part of the reason is because science says that most of us tend to have no more than five close friends at a time and since a serious relationship can sometimes require the energy and effort of two people, well, there ya go.
12. Friendship Is What Makes a Marriage Go the Distance
GiphyI’ve been through a couple of friendship break-ups that damn near took my breath away, so I totally get it when I see articles like HuffPost’s “Why Friendship Breakups Can Be More Devastating Than Romantic Ones” and The Conversation’s “Friend breakups: why they can sometimes feel as bad as falling out of love.” Although I must say that what all of this amplifies to me is why people should have friendship at the foundation of their friendship, to begin with. Because, while some folks are out here feeling like their friends are a part of them, Scripture literally says that spouses are to “become one” (Genesis 2:24-25).
Besides…know what else science reveals? The key to a lasting marriage is true friendship anyway. Checkmate.
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So, how do your friendships match up to what science has said? There’s no time like the present to do some (re)evaluating and a bit of inventory (check out “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins”) because, it’s one thing to have friends — it’s a totally different matter to have genuine friendships that bless and benefit your life? Amen? Amen, sis.
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- Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That? ›
- 6 Scriptures That Speak On The True Value Of Friendship ›
- What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About? ›
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Luckily, there are some things that you can do to either speed up the healing process of a cold or make having one more bearable than usual. Things that are affordable, all-natural, and easy to incorporate into your daily routine.
Are you ready to know how to nip a damn cold in the bud…before you even get one?
Here ya go.
1. Fire Cider
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Two drinks that I am gonna drink all the way down, each and every fall season, are hot chocolate and apple cider (that’s warmed up). So, when I read about something called “fire cider,” it absolutely caught my attention. If you’re not familiar with it, fire cider is a homemade drink that consists of things like apple cider vinegar, herbs and other ingredients that are specifically designed to boost your immune system.
I won’t lie to you — since some of the traditional recipes contain things like onion and garlic (sulfur has potent medicinal properties) and sometimes even hot peppers (which help to clear up congestion) — although fire cider might not be your favorite as far as your palate is concerned, the viruses (because there are reportedly somewhere around 200 of ‘em) that cause colds will lose a lot of their impact if you drink this; and that makes it worth a shot — well, swallow. Some fire cider recipes can be found here, here and here.
2. Probiotics
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.” — and that alone should explain why and how a probiotic can help to prevent colds and make it easier to get over them. The reality is that a healthy gut is what helps to monitor how your immune system reacts and responds to harmful pathogens that may try and get into your system, including ones that cause the common cold.
And since probiotics feed your gut with “good bacteria,” this gives your gut the ability to be better (and quicker) at fighting off the bad. So yeah, take a probiotic — all of the time and definitely while you have a cold. It helps.
3. Peppermint (or Eucalyptus) Oil
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Although I rarely get sick (praise the Lord!), when I do catch a cold, I think what I hate the most is not being able to comfortably breathe. Well, something that is proven to help with that is peppermint essential oil. That’s because it contains properties that act as a natural decongestant as well as a fever reducer. Another essential oil that can hook you up in this department is eucalyptus oil. It’s bomb because it helps to soothe a nagging cough, it can clear up chest congestion and ultimately makes it easier to breathe.
So, before turning in at night, either mix a few drops of one (or both) of these oils with a carrier oil like grapeseed, avocado or jojoba, warm it up for 10 seconds in the microwave and apply it to the sides of your nose or on your best or back. Or put the oil in a diffuser. It can quickly ease cold-related symptoms while also making it so much easier for you to rest (which is something else your body needs to get over a cold; more on that in a sec).
4. Zinc Lozenges
Zinc is a mineral that helps to keep your immune system healthy and strong — and since a weakened immunity is directly connected to having more colds (2-4 a year is considered to be “normal,” by the way), it’s always a good idea to have some zinc in your body. As it relates to colds, specifically, aside from the fact that zinc can help you from catching one to begin with, there are also studies which say that sucking on zinc lozenges can help to shorten the timespan of a cold as well.
To be fair, some people have said that zinc lozenges make them feel nauseated; however, everything has its pros and cons and so, how would you know if you’re one of these folks unless you try it? Oh, and while we are on this topic, there are also zinc supplements and foods that are high in zinc (like red meat, lentils, hemp seeds, cashews and quinoa) if you want to try and get more zinc into your system that way (although lozenges are gonna be your best bet on the shortening tip; just sayin’).
5. Foods Rich in Vitamin C
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Speaking of foods that can fight a cold, out of all of what you’ve read here, probably what you are quite familiar with is the fact that vitamin C and colds are mortal enemies. In fact, one pretty significant study says that by taking one gram of vitamin C a day during a cold, you can reduce the severity of your symptoms by as much as 15 percent.
That’s because vitamin C is packed with antioxidants, it helps to reduce bodily inflammation and it helps to strengthen your immunity too. Foods that are full of vitamin C include chili and yellow peppers, kale, kiwi, papaya, broccoli, kale and citrus fruits.
6. Elderberry Tea
If you’re someone who likes to put preserves on your biscuits or toast, have you ever tried one that is made from elderberries (recipe here)? It’s actually pretty good — and good for you because elderberries are high in vitamin C, fiber and antioxidants. And that is why they are great whenever you are trying to hurry up and get over a cold because they also contain properties that are literally antiviral — and since a cold is a virus…well, there you have it.
One of the best ways to get elderberries into your system? Elderberry tea. If you add honey to it, honey can help to shorten symptoms like a stuffy nose, sore throat and cough by 1-2 days. Very cool.
7. REST
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Did you know that even one day of not getting the sleep that you need to weaken your immune system and increase bodily inflammation at the same time too? That’s because one of the benefits of a good night’s rest is it rejuvenates and recharges your system, so that your immunity can work at its optimal level.
Not only that but, according to science, if you already have a cold, getting plenty of rest can benefit you on a few different levels as well. First, your cytokines (proteins that boost your immunity) are released when you sleep.
Second, your body temperature elevates enough to kill some of the bacteria and viruses that are making you sick. Finally, sleep provides you with the energy that you need in order to get through the day while you are healing from your sickness. So, if you want to get through your cold ASAP, be intentional about getting as much rest as you possibly can.
BONUS: A Humidifier
When you get a chance, please check out “10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall”. There really are all kinds of solid reasons to invest in a humidifier around this time of the year — and one of them is to make getting through the cold (and flu) season so much easier for you. Since humidifiers bring moisture into the air, that can help to loosen up congestion, soothe an irritated throat, decrease coughing, help with the healing process of respiratory infections and it can help you to sleep better — so that you can get past your cold sooner.
So, if you don’t already have a humidifier, cop one ASAP. Your future colds will absolutely hate that you did. LOL. For a list of some highly recommended humidifiers that are currently on the market, click here.
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