6 Scriptures That Speak On The True Value Of Friendship
I make no apologies for the fact that I find the Bible to be a really dope book. For all of the super churchy folks reading this, while that might not be the way that you would describe it, the reason why I'm intentional about presenting the Good Book in this fashion is because, unfortunately, when a lot of people think about the Bible, it's strictly from a religious—and not the James 1:27 kind of religious—perspective. Yet the older and prayerfully wiser that I get, one of my favorite things about it is how practical it is. How timeless it is when it comes to its practicality as well.
Take friendship, for example. While a lot of us probably don't think about referencing the Bible when it comes to this kind of relationship, the Word actually speaks pretty fondly—and clearly—about it. While there are a few more verses besides the ones that I am about to share, whether you're wondering how to spiritually approach or spiritually define your friendships, you might just be surprised what opening up a Bible can reveal to you.
Bible Verses On Friendship
1. “Some friends play at friendship, but a true friend sticks closer than one’s nearest kin.”—Proverbs 18:24(Message)
I've written enough content on toxic families, on this platform alone, to just about last me a lifetime (check out "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members", "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child"). It's pretty hard to write pieces on such a heavy topic unless you can personally relate. That's why, it actually took me a while, to fully embrace a verse in Scripture like this one. Because, really, if some of your "nearest kin" feel more like enemies than friends, this might not be a verse that you find to be super-duper comforting.
But here's the thing. You know how they say that you can't choose your family, but you can certainly choose your friends? Over the years, there are people who have come into my life who have become, what I call, "love family". We're not connected by blood but man, they have been such a blessing to me. They take me, my heart and my time very seriously (they don't play with any of those things either) and yes, they are closer to me than most of my family is. That's why I wanted to start this particular article off with this Scripture. True friendship feels like healthy kin. That's not an exaggeration. I can personally testify to this very fact.
2. “Reliable friends who do what they say are like cool drinks in sweltering heat—refreshing!”—Proverbs 25:13(Message)
Any time someone comes to me for branding advice, something that I always bring up is the power of consistency. In my opinion, the lack of it has been the downfall of some many creatives because, it's not that they lack talent, it's that they are on one thing one day and something totally different the next. And you know what? Consistency is also something that you should be on the lookout for when it comes to putting a person in the "friend" category of your life as well. A consistent person is someone who can be trusted because a consistent person is someone who is reliable. To be reliable is to be "dependable in achievement, accuracy, honesty, etc." You can depend on them to be honest with you. You can depend on them to do what they say they are going to do. You can depend on them to be the same way (about you) outside of your presence as they are in it.
It took me forever to finally get to a place where I can say, without a shadow of any doubt, that every single friend in my life is a reliable one. And King Solomon was right. When you know—that you know that you know—that your friends can be fully depended upon, no matter what, it tops the coldest glass of water on the hottest day of summer. It really does.
3. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”—Proverbs 27:6(NKJV)
I actually semi-recently wrote, "What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)" with this Scripture in the back of my mind. It takes a really mature person to be able to take this particular verse in, but that's you, right? So, let's go. It's kind of a Ted Talk for another time, but something that I feel is a mini-god for a lot of people is happiness. Now before you freak out, let me explain. Not everything that helps us to grow and get to where we need to in life is going to make us happy. Going to work every day doesn't always make us happy. Paying bills doesn't always make us happy. Staying up late nights to finish up a dream or goal that we have doesn't always make us happy. But doing these things does make life better for us.
That's why I actually loathe the saying, "If you like it, I love it" or hearing about someone telling a friend, who they know is doing something unhealthy or toxic, "Hey, whatever makes you happy". Who cares if it makes them happy if it isn't good or right? I mean, eating ice cream every day makes me happy. It's not healthy for me, though. It kind of reminds me of one of my favorite "dark" quotes that says, "We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with our own." In other words, a lot of us think that a "good friend" is someone who will co-sign on our BS rather than call us out on it.
This Scripture here lets us know that a true friend is probably going to hurt us sometimes with the truth, but the point and purpose of them doing that is so we can become better individuals in the long run. Meanwhile, it's the flatterers (someone who the Bible is absolutely not impressed with—Job 17:5), the tell-them-whatever-they-want-to-hear folks, the ones who don't exhort and hold you accountable (bookmark that, I'm coming right back to it) that you oftentimes have to look out for. The Bible tells us that Judah lied to Christ's face and then kissed Him (Matthew 26). It was one of Christ's disciples, a so-called friend, who played a direct role in His demise.
So yeah, don't be so quick to write off someone who loves you enough to tell you about yourself. At the same time, be cautious about embracing someone who is always telling you whatever you want to hear. Sometimes the one seems like they aren't being your friend is being the best kind of one. And, sometimes, the one you think is your bestie is just a demon in disguise.
4. “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”—Proverbs 27:17(NKJV)
This verse basically goes along with what I just said, but there is a bit of a twist to it. This one is a reminder that true friends hold each other accountable and accountability goes a few steps beyond simply not telling someone what they want to hear. When you are accountable in a relationship, one thing that it means is, you're willing to own your own feelings within the dynamic. Another thing that comes with personal accountability is being willing to take responsibility for your actions. In order to do both of those things well, you can't emotionally manipulate, deflect or pass the buck. An accountable friend admits their errors, apologizes when they are wrong and looks for ways to make the friendship better. If the friendship is truly healthy, both people are doing this for one another.
When you put all of this into the context of this particular verse in Scripture, your countenance is everything from your facial expressions and energy that you exude to how you are able to compose yourself. So basically, when the Bible says that a friend sharpens the countenance of another friend, a good friend challenges you to hold yourself accountable, to be your best self, as they support and encourage you along the way. Because, after all, if your friends aren't helping you to evolve as a person…how good of a friend are they?
5. “Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor; for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”—Ecclesiastes 4:9-10(AMPC)
No man is an island. I don't care how introverted (or ambivert-ed) you might be, this is very true. That's why, whenever I hear people say things like, "I don't need any friends", I'm not very convinced. While they might think that portrays confidence, to me, it's more like deep-rooted pain. And that's why I appreciate Scriptures like this one. We need others. They need to be good to us and for us and have our best interest at heart, but humans are designed to be relational. Another thing that's dope about this verse is I like that it says that when two people come together, they will get a reward for their labor. Reward means "something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc.". Although most of my friends are in fields of work that have absolutely nothing to do with my own, there are times when some of their gifts, skills or connections are able to help me progress and vice versa.
A good friend will do what they can to help you get to the next level, just as you are willing to do the same for them. Not only that but, sometimes the "service" or "hardship" is getting through some tough times in your relationship. When two people are true friends, they see enough value in one another and the friendship to push through it, knowing that, there will be better days; that the pros far outweigh the struggles.
6. “Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul...Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.”—I Samuel 18:1-3(NKJV)
King David was a trip. That's another message for another time. But I do have a lot of respect for Jonathan when it comes to this particular part of Scripture. Although, in the religious world, covenant relationships are oftentimes reserved strictly for marriage, this shows that friends can be in covenant too. A covenant is an agreement, a pledge, a solemn vow between two people that they are—or aren't—going to do something for/to/with one another.
I've got one friend where we're in a covenant when it comes to confidentiality. Meaning, we agreed to be each other's go-to when it comes to even the deepest of secrets or information. Not only that but, no matter what, even if we stop being close friends, we have promised to remain each other's confidant in that way. My godchildren's mother? We made a covenant about my relationship with her kids that, even if we happen to grow apart, I am committed to her babies and she will be consistently encouraging of my being in their lives.
Covenants are good and necessary because they remind us to take what we say very seriously. And when you've got a covenant with a friend who, like Jonathan did for David, loves you like their own soul? That is the kind of friend that you need to hold onto for the long haul because love between two human beings really doesn't get much better than that.
My prayer is that as you read through these, you'll meditate on how your friendships align with these verses. Another practical thing about the Bible is, it provides insights and instructions on how to live our best life. Do your friendships assist you in doing that? If not, they should. Don't take my word for it. The Good Book says so.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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