10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins
Something that I try and do, right around this time of the year, is take an inventory of my friendships. Some folks think that it's weird, but I don't care. When you spend enough time working with married couples, and you see in a very up close and personal way that, oftentimes what tends to cause the breakdown of their relationship is either A) they aren't genuinely friends or B) even as friends, they haven't made the time to revisit the needs and expectations that they have, you learn how important taking regular relational inventory actually is. After all, the word "inventory" literally means "to take stock of; evaluate". And why shouldn't you be intentional about evaluating your friendships?
Why do I do it right around this time? There is something about the fall and winter that beckons us to think about where we are in our lives and then ponder how we want to move forward as we prepare to go into the new year. Plus, since a lot of us get to take at least a couple of days off during the holidays, this is also a good time to schedule in some quality time with the homies to make sure that everything's good.
A wise person once said, "A true friend accepts who you are, but also helps you become who you should be." If you want to make sure that you and your friends are doing these things for one another, use these final few weeks of the year to get clarity by asking the following 10 questions—and by allowing your friends to ask you these questions as well. I've done it. It's quite revelatory and beneficial. It definitely helps to bring new light and great insight into where things stand—and that's always a good thing.
1. Are You Happy with Where Things Are?
The reason why I semi-recently penned "What If You Love Your Friend...But Don't Like Her Anymore?" for the site is because, you'd be amazed how many people are stressed out over what to do about some of their friendships because that is exactly how they feel. They love their friend(s), but they don't like them very much (anymore). Once they allow that reality to simmer, either one of two things typically ends up happening—either a huge fight (and by "fight", I mean fall out) occurs, or they end up ghosting the individual.
I've been ghosted by a close friend before. It took me a while to heal from the experience, so personally, I'm not a fan of it. I feel like things can be handled so much better if some communication transpires. More importantly, proactive communication. That's why I recommend asking your friends if they are happy with where your friendship with them currently is. Not if it's perfect because it ain't, but if, overall, they find joy in the connection and contentment in the relationship. If they are, the rest of these questions will basically be a breeze. If they're not, there's no time like the present to hear why they're not so that you can see if anything can be done to change that.
2. What Can I Do to Strengthen the Trust Between Us?
My friends know that, when it comes to the things that I am convicted on, I'm a pretty black-and-white individual; that I see very little grey. I am fine being that way; it's a part of my core. But where I realize that I had to grow was accepting that everyone is not like me; that our perspectives and experiences can result in us coming to different conclusions on various matters. So, while my friends know that I'm loyal when it comes to keeping their business private and holding them down, I had to strengthen the trust bond by making them feel like they could come to me whether I agreed with what they were saying or doing or not. That, they didn't have to worry about feeling berated or attacked for expressing their own journey—even during the times when they knew they deserved better. I had to work on becoming a safer place and space.
When someone trusts you, it means they are confident in knowing that they can rely on you. When the trust between two people is solid, there is very little that they can't get through together. Trust is something that is ever-evolving. It can never hurt to ask your friends what you can do to make the integrity of your bond with them even stronger.
3. What Are the Strengths and Weaknesses in Our Friendship?
This is the kind of question that, if you're an ego maniac or super insecure, it can be hard to hear the answers to. But since one of the purposes of friendship is to help us to become better people, it can benefit you to hear your perceived strengths and weaknesses from the ones who love you most.
Here's why I say that. Recently, I had a rare "fight" with a close friend of mine. She said something, three times in a row, that triggered me to the point that I left her office and went home. I was pissed. Because, in times past, my pride would sometimes cause me to wait until the other person came to me first, and also because I'm working more and more on not letting the sun set on my anger (Ephesians 4:26), I called her as soon as I walked through my door. After a two-hour discussion, we talked about how a strength of mine is stating my needs and how a weakness of mine is sometimes taking out my triggers on the wrong people. I shared that a strength of hers is listening really well and a weakness is not always apologizing when she's wrong.
I'd venture to say that if we hadn't had that chat, we could've had an even bigger blow-up next year. It would be because I wouldn't be using this time to deactivate certain triggers, and she wouldn't be working on acknowledging her offenses. But now that we're both aware, we know how to encourage each other to be better. We know how to build up one another's strengths and help each other to grow where are weaknesses are concerned.
4. What Are Your Triggers? Do I Have a Tendency to Push Them?
On the heels of the last point, while reading an article on emotional triggers, I liked how the author defined them as being, "the surprises that we get when someone we love, or a situation, causes us to have a reaction that we haven't processed yet". When I reflect on my own triggers—and also the triggers of some people that I know—I truly believe that some people have conflict, not because of their relationship, but because they are constantly "triggering" each other. However, once the triggers are brought to the forefront, things are able to balance themselves back out and peace is then restored.
This is why, I most definitely recommend that you and your friends talk about one another's triggers. What they are, where they came from and how to avoid poking at them. Again, there's no telling how many friendships could be spared, just by having this one conversation alone.
5. What Is Something That You Wish We Would Do Together More?
None of us really "have" time in the sense that we're simply twiddling our thumbs and looking for stuff to do. But when you value someone, you find a way to make time for them. No matter what your actual love language may be, all of us need quality time, especially with our close friends. It's a great way to nurture the friendship and, to also be able to spend time together without any distractions.
Something that I like about my friendships is different ones tap into different interests that I have. Yours probably do too. Even if you're only able to get together with your buddies, once a month or, if they live out of town, once a year, be intentional about making plans to hang out. Do something for the first time together. Take a class. Go on a vacation. Do something that reminds you both that, no matter how hectic life gets, you've always got time for each other. And you want to make as many memories together as you possibly can.
6. Do You Think We Make Enough Time for Each Other?
Speaking of time, when you're like me and you're in your 40s and have never been married and you don't have children, sometimes you can find yourself doing most of the work to keep your friendships afloat. At least it can end up being that way until you bring it to the attention of the friends in your life who are married and/or have children. If you're married or a parent and you're reading this, I am confident when I speak for those who don't fit your demographic when I say, "Just because we're not 'your kind of busy', that doesn't mean that we still don't have plenty of ish to do." All people who are living out their purpose do. So, just like you've got to carve out time to hit us up, we've got to do the same.
This was the conversation that I recently had with one of my favorite people on the planet. I had to let her know that, when I looked at my phone, it had been about a month since she rang me, even though we speak a couple of times a week. After I said it, she didn't feel some type of way. She actually acknowledged that she was slipping a bit. Things have been balanced ever since.
Nothing grows when we don't spend time with and on it. And while none of us have a ton of time, for the sake of taking good care of our friendships, it's important that we do our best to make some. More than that, that our friends feel like we are making some just for them.
7. Is There Anything That Bothered You this Year That You’re Holding Onto?
A girlfriend of mine recently told me about how a girlfriend of hers forgot her birthday for the third year in a row. I'm a Gemini and we tend to act like our birthdays are national holidays, so I could definitely feel her pain. When I asked her what bothered her most about it, she said that it was the fact that, prior to three years ago, this particular friend made a huge deal about her special day. So, she felt like it was a passive aggressive way of addressing—or rather, not addressing—some hard conversations that she's had with her ever since her friend got into a toxic relationship.
When I asked my friend if she was going to discuss this with her friend, she said, "No. If she cared, she'd do better." Eh. My take on her resolve is, that's a lot to assume—the passive aggressiveness, the motive behind dropping the birthday ball, and also thinking that she doesn't care. And what's really crazy is her friend may be out here thinking that everything is perfectly fine. Clearly, it's not.
A good article on suppressed emotions brings up a very valid point—"If you don't face suppressed emotions, you'll stay stuck in getting over it mentality, and it'll become impossible for you to heal." If there's something that you're holding onto, tell your friend(s). While you're at it, ask them if they need to get something off of their chest as well. That way, everyone can go into the new year with clarity and a clean slate. No one will have to drag any baggage that came from holding stuff in instead of (respectfully) letting it all out.
8. What Do You Think We Currently Have in Common?
I'm pretty sure you've heard the C.S. Lewis quote that says, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." Keeping this quote in mind, I've got a male and female friend who I can easily stay on the phone with for hours at a time because we've got so much in common. At the same time, because I'm single, she's married and he's divorced and also because we each live in a different state and do totally different things for a living, our life experiences constantly expose us to new things too.
My girlfriend used to totally consume pop culture; now she's far more into politics. My male friend was a homebody when he was married; now that he's divorced, ole' boy is out there (in about every sense of the word!). As they shift, there are some things that we don't have in common. We're not clones of one another, so that's perfectly fine. But, the reason why I make a point to ask them what they feel that we do have in common is so we can still feel connected via those things, as we give each other the freedom to have other interests with other people too. That way, we don't feel like we're "losing" each other so much as we're celebrating each other's growth and evolution.
9. Are Your Needs Being Met in Our Friendship?
An article that I wrote on the platform that helped me to get my own self free was "Here's Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships". One of the reasons why I kept feeling deprived in some of my relationships with people is because I was expecting others to be the kind of friend that I was—to give in the way that I do, to make time in the way that I do, to be proactive in the way that I tend to be. Another key to better relationships is accepting that you are you and others are, well, them.
Once I started to voice my needs more, one of two things started to happen. Either people fell off or they stepped up. Both results were ultimately for my good. That's why, I am a huge encourager of individuals expressing their needs while asking the people in their life what they need from them in return. If the needs can be met, cool. If they can't, well, there's no time like the present to move out of the way so that someone else can—and will.
10. What Can I Do to Support You at this Stage in Your Life?
If all of us are truly taking our gifts, talents and time seriously, we're not in the same place nor are we the same person that we were this time last year. This means that some of our goals, desires and perhaps, even insights have shifted. This also means that what we needed this time last year may be different than what we require now. That is why I'm ending this piece with suggesting that you ask the close friends in your life about how you can support them in this stage and season.
Case in point. This time last year, I didn't have my latest godchild. Watching her mom, one of my dearest friends, transition from one child to two has been remarkable. It has also meant that I've needed to help her in ways that I never had to before.
When it comes to maintaining strong, healthy and thriving friendships, support is actually one of my favorite words. It means to hold up. It means to endure. It means to "withstand without giving way". Just by caring enough to ask the close friends in your life how you can support them, it will convey a level of love and care that is getting rarer by the day. Two people who support each other, in the ways that they need to be supported, are two people who can stand the test of time on the friendship tip.
Y'all, these are the 10 questions that have truly blessed my friendships. I hope they can do the same for you. Whether it's this month or the next, make the time to connect in this way. No matter how the conversation plays out, it'll be for your—and your friends'—ultimate good.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships
10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend
According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends
Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone "Friend"
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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