
According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends

One time, while sitting in a marriage life coaching session with a couple, I heard the wife say something that, I knew if she didn't adjust her way of thinking, her marriage was headed for some real long-term trouble. What she said was this—"I don't see why my husband needs to have other friends. He's got me and when you get married, your spouse should be your everything."
Y'all, the only being who should be your everything is the Lord Himself. If you feel that way about anyone (or anything) else, not only are you setting yourself up to make someone an idol in your life (and idolatry is never good), but you are also headed towards becoming super disappointed, if not straight-up bitter. Human beings are flawed. Flawed people do things that hurt us sometimes, even if it's unintentional. Yeah, no one should be your everything. Ever.
My segue from this point is when I read an article about what the late Greek philosopher Aristotle once said about friendship, it reminded me of that counseling session. I'd venture to say that one of the reasons why some people fall out when it comes to their friendships is because one (or both) of the individuals end up doing the same thing that wife did; they expected their friend to be an "everything person" when they very well may have only needed to fill one particular role. According to Aristotle, the role needed to be utility, pleasure or good.
What in the world was he talking about? Bear with me a bit and I'll try and break it all down as best as I can.
Utility: A Useful or Advantageous Factor or Feature
A utility friend. If you just looked at this based on the definition of utility, it could seem like it's someone you are using, someone is using you or both. But actually, that isn't the case at all. One definition of friend is "a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter" and when I think of a utility friend, what comes to mind is something like a friendship I have with a certain guy here in Nashville.
We're buddies. We meet up for lunch or dinner sometimes. He has shared some of his personal life with me and I have done the same with him. But a huge part of our dynamic consists of helping one another out professionally. We're both in media, so when he needs some info or assistance, I'm as good as there; same thing for me on his end. Because no one is giving more than the other, it's not a "user" situation. But if someone were to ask me to categorize what we are, I'd have to say that we're pretty close professional friends (more than personal friends), and that's the way it's been for years.
Matter of fact, in the close to two decades of us knowing one another, I don't think we've had one argument. I believe it's that way because yes, we like and respect each other, but we've also got a clear and mutual understanding of what this is—and what it isn't.
Aristotle says that business partners, colleagues, and schoolmates are examples of utility friends. I personally feel that in order to be truly productive in life, we all need some of these. Professional allies who are no more, no less.
Pleasure: Amusement, Recreation or Enjoyment
One of my girlfriends has a friend who is hil-a-ri-ous. She's fun. She's funny. Yet other than being sorors, they don't have much in common at all—not their value system, not their religious views, not their relational status—not much of anything, period. Still, whenever this friend of hers calls, she answers (which is not what my friend does for everyone), and when her friend comes into town, my friend will drop whatever it is that she's doing, just to hang out with her girl. Why? Because this is her "pleasure friend".
I totally get it too. Something that doesn't get as many props is it deserves is seeking out joy and enjoyment. That's why, when life presents people to you who can make you laugh until your stomach hurts, who are down to do things just for the sheer fun of it, and can make you see life in a brighter light whenever they are around, they indeed do serve a significant purpose in your life.
Aristotle calls these friends the folks you share hobbies or common interests with. They may not be the ones you reach out to when you break up with your man, but they are always the ones you call when you want to check out a new movie or museum.
These are the friends where things don't have to go "deep". With them, it's all about taking things easy or going on a thrill ride. It's not that serious, and that is totally OK. You both like hanging out just for hanging out's sake. And neither of you see anything wrong with that.
Good: Morally Excellent; Virtuous; Righteous; Pious
When it comes to your good friends, the article that I referred to earlier defines them as being "friendships based upon respect, appreciation for each other's qualities, and a strong will to aid and assist the other person because one recognizes their greatness." Along these lines, something that I found to be interesting about what the author said about the first two kinds of friendships is that they oftentimes are easily broken because they don't tend to carry us much weight in our lives. While I don't necessarily agree with that completely, what I do believe is the expectation of a utility or pleasure friend isn't nearly as high as a good friend.
Now, as far as what the word "good" means. I know when a lot of people think of the definitions of good that I provided, they automatically think they mean that someone believes they are better than someone else. Or, that being friends with someone like that is difficult and boring; in my personal experiences, that is not the case at all. The friends in my life who are morally excellent or pious (having a reverence for God), they are the friends who hold me accountable, keep me responsible and value the word "friendship" in a way that those other two types of friends typically do not.
They are loyal, sincere and steadfast. They are the through thick and thin homies. They are also the call-you-out-on-your-ish people too. You can directly attribute personal growth and evolution with these kinds of friends. In many ways, they are more than friends; they are family.
The reason why I thought it was a good idea to share this is because, hopefully, it can help to take some of the confusion away or guilt off if there are folks in your life who you want around, but not in an all-purpose sort of way.
Professional (utility) friends. Pleasure friends. Principled (good) friends. We need all three and, the good news is all three traits don't have to be in everyone you know. Because no one has to be—or should be—your everything. This includes when it comes to your friendships.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Good Friends Are Hard To Find! Here's How To Show Yours You Appreciate Them
The 5 Must-Have Friends Everyone Needs
6 Signs A New 'Friend' Is Nothing But An Opportunist
The Truth About Maintaining Friendships As An Adult
Feature image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
Successful Black Women Share Real Networking Tips That Actually Work
Networking can be enjoyable or a total cringe-fest, especially in a post-pandemic world of hybrid-remote confusion. It can seem challenging to really connect with people when they've either opted to work from home for good or they're reluctantly dragging themselves into the office two days a week wishing they could work from home.
Also, virtual networking has its own awkward and sometimes downright unappealing moments. I mean, how do you really get to know someone who's probably multitasking five other things while on the call with you, had little desire to turn their camera on, and is possibly not even wearing pants? It seems like everyone is juggling a lot and simply trying to survive, not focused on making new friends, work besties, or business partners.
Well, don't let the pessimism set in just yet. There are still many people out there who are open to new connections (or at least continuing to cultivate and build on old ones). And there is still value in authentic networking where you're able to not only find kindred industry spirits to chat about everyday issues you face at work, but destiny helpers who are divinely placed in your life for the most positive and fabulous life advancement you've ever seen.
Get inspired by these real-life stories of women professionals and entrepreneurs who have witnessed, firsthand, the power of true connection through networking:
Dr. Amber L. Wright, Keynote Speaker & Executive Coach, Words Well Said
DFinney Photo
On the true key to networking that actually works: "Focusing on building relationships versus transactions is also important for creating meaningful connections and expanding your network."
On a networking experience that led to results: "While attending a conference, I met a woman who did a fantastic job as a panel moderator. She had a great stage presence and was dressed impeccably. After the panel, I approached her to say hello and offer my compliments on how well she did. She thanked me for the kind words and we struck up a conversation, ending with the proverbial promise to keep in touch."
"We both kept that promise and stayed in touch via social media. That eventually led to offline conversations, resulting in us sharing opportunities to advance both of our businesses."
"She is now the CEO of a leadership development firm and in partnering with her, I have experienced significant financial growth in my business as a keynote speaker and executive coach. That one interaction all of those years ago has resulted in one of my most rewarding personal and professional relationships!"
On a one-on-one networking experience that built impact: "I had a virtual co-working session with someone I didn’t know (via a co-working app), that resulted in us sharing a bit about what we do and connecting on LinkedIn. Months later, she randomly tagged me in a call for speakers, which led to me being hired as the opening keynote speaker for that conference."
Dontaira Terrell, Journalist & Publisher, The Buckeye Review
Courtesy, DontairaTerrell.com
On proactivity despite rejection: “My initial story pitches were unsuccessful, but I maintained a strong relationship with my former colleague. I consistently shared updates and offered support, cultivating a valuable connection."
This proactive approach unexpectedly led to an opportunity when a legacy brand needed management assistance for its annual premiere event.
On dynamic results: "She immediately recommended me for the position, and within a week, I was collaborating with their executive team, successfully bringing their high-profile event to life.”
How To Make Real Connections Through Networking In 2025
Today's networking, especially in an environment where millions of professionals are working remote or hybrid, it's all about authenticity, collaboration, and service. Oftentimes, opportunities come through people who simply like one another and have things in common. People like to work with people who are not only performers but who are a joy to know and work with.
Posting consistently on LinkedIn, actively engaging by sharing relevant information and opportunities, and responding to comments are great ways to break the ice and meet new high-achieving professionals. Also, practicing networking with smaller groups via meet-ups, happy hours and brunches is still valuable versus only focusing your time and money on larger conferences or work-mandated experiences.
And don't wait until you need something (like a new job after a sudden job loss or a source of investment for a new project). Be proactive and get into the practice of cultivating relationships whether you see an immediate return on investment or not.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images