How To Heal From A Broken Friendship
One of the reasons why I think that it is so important for romantic relationships to have a foundation of true friendship is because, it's been my personal observation that, a lot of us are far more down for our friends than our significant other. What I mean by that is, while I constantly hear people come up with a list of all of the things they will and won't tolerate with their long-term partner, I rarely hear that when it comes to their bestie or homies.
Process what I'm saying for a moment.
When's the last time you thought to yourself, "If my girl hurts my feelings, I'm out." Typically, with our friends, there isn't much of an "out criteria". It's weird, but it's like there's an automatic acceptance that they are as human as we are, they are gonna mess up sometimes and, when that happens, we'll find a way to work through it. It's almost automatic that we'll take on this kind of approach.
I think that's why, when a friendship gets to a point where it looks like it has run its course, it can be particularly devastating. Since we didn't put a "this is it" line on the relationship on the front end, when we do get there, it can feel like a real death; one that we're not sure how, if or when we'll fully heal from.
I've been there, a few times. On this side of those experiences, there are two things that I know, for sure. First, while you're in the process of actually going through a friendship break-up, the pain is like no other. And second, if your purpose in your mind is to not remain stuck in bitterness or pissed-off-ity, if you choose to heal instead, 8.5 times out of 10, you'll see that some friendships either weren't really friendships at all or, the break was necessary in order for you both to move forward to what and who are better for you.
If you've currently had a friendship to end, what steps should you take in order to come to these conclusions?
Really Process What Caused the “Break”
When I stop and think about the broken friendships that I've experienced over the years, if there's a common thread, it was my codependency and being more invested, topped with them offending me and expecting me to grin and bear it. You know what that means, right? That means that things were all gravy, so long as I was doing most of the work and didn't have much of a voice in how things were going. And you know what that means, right? This usually comes as the result of trying to be other people's friend without being a friend to yourself—first.
That's why, when you and a friend have a falling out or decide to go your separate ways, before doing anything, it's always a good idea to take a moment to process why things played out the way that they did. Try and be honest. Try to not only see it from your side either. Also take a moment to assess if it's a pattern that has been happening with multiple individuals for a while now.
Once I realized what was up with me—that I wasn't really choosing my friends but I was letting people randomly decide when they wanted to enter into and exit out of my life—friendship dramas started to subside, healthy and stable friendships began to emerge, and less "breaking" transpired.
The moral to the story here is this—don't just chalk the friendship ending to "it is what it is". Really ponder where the cracks in the foundation started so that you can process, heal and prevent similar things from happening in the future.
Is It Love or Loyalty?
If I've said it once, I've said it a dozen times before. One of my favorite lines from the movie Love Jones is when Nina told her ex-fiancé, "All we have are all these years" in response to him asking her how she could throw their relationship away. Listen, I'll be the first one to say that there is much to be said for loyalty in any type of real relationship. At the same time, wisdom has taught me that there is also something to be said for staying loyal to something that is causing you to be disloyal to yourself by remaining attached to it.
Here's an example. There's a friendship that I had for a really long time that, for the five or so years leading up to its end, it turned toxic. Extremely so. Not because of us, per se, but due to an affair that the individual was involved in. It caused them to lie a lot and become totally self-involved. It also caused them to make consistent reckless choices. When it got to the point where I realized that I cared more about saving their marriage more than they did and I brought that to their attention, they ghosted. Even though they knew the abandonment and abuse issues that I experienced in my childhood, they bounced without giving our friendship the respect of talking things through.
At first, I responded by trying to assure them that I would still stick around, believing it was being loving. But a friendship is to be a mutual thing. Therefore, if your loyalty is causing you to not get your own needs met, that loyalty can become counterproductive and unhealthy. Loyalty can be unhealthy? I think so.
As a wise man once said, "Even the excess of a virtue can be a vice", and if you are holding a friendship down alone, it's time to love yourself enough to love them enough to let them go so that you both can receive…better. And more.
Seek Out One or Two Other Perspectives
As a marriage life coach, there is nothing like meeting one spouse who tells me their side of the story, deciding to take them and their partner on as clients and then hearing the other side. Boy, oh boy. It never fails that when you're able to see both people's perspective, the layers totally alter the narrative.
It's the same thing with friendships. The last one that I decided to end, I had been in it for so long that decided to ask some other people in my life for their perspective. A couple of people knew both of us and a couple of them didn't. One thing that everyone said was a constant thread is the individual wasn't emotionally reliable. Not only that but a part of the reason why I wasn't satisfied in the friendship anymore is because I had outgrown them.
It was good for me to hear all of that because, for a while, I was so steeped in my disappointment that I wanted to lash out at this individual more than anything else. But once I heard other people share that, "Although she's done some selfish things, she's always been that way. You're just pissed now because you've changed and she hasn't", that helped me to release her rather than cut her off and remain angry.
When I see her now, we hug. I ask her how she is and I sincerely wonder. But it pretty much stops there. Just because a friendship has ended, that doesn't mean that you and them can't come to a place of peace. You know that you're on the path to real healing when you can accept this as a part of your reality. Sometimes other people's perspective can get you there.
Think About What You Need in the Present
One of the things that I respect so much about married couples is how committed they are at learning how to evolve as individuals while still trying to keep their relationship intact in the process. It is so true that there are times when you grow in one area faster than your partner does and vice versa. And, if you don't make a point to nurture your union in the process, it could cause you to become strangers; strangers who share the same living space.
That said, some friendships end because they just don't fulfill you anymore. Neither of you did anything wrong or bad. You just used to need them in one way and now…you don't. Sometimes this happens when a person gets married or has a child. In theory, you both say that it won't change the friendship but how can it not? Priorities shift. Interests expand. And unless both people involved are intentional about and committed to keeping their friendship, they can grow apart too.
To stay on top of scenarios like this, something that my closest friends and I do on an annual basis is take inventory of where we are with one another. We ask each other what we need and get really real about if those needs can be met or not. If they can't, some restructuring-in-love has to happen. And you know what? That is totally OK. Remember that the root word for relationship is "relate". If a friendship is coming to an end because the two of you can no longer relate to one another, that is easier to heal from because it's not about any drama or even a lack of love or respect. You're simply freeing up space so that both of you can get what you need rather than resenting one another for not being able to do it for each other.
Get the Closure That You Need
I know that closure is a controversial topic for some, but personally, I think that when two people share something as special as a relationship or friendship, they owe it to one another to give it closure. Closure honors what once was, provides clarity and gives both people an understanding of what to expect moving forward. Another reason why I'm such a big fan of closure is because when you don't officially end things, it can give people the impression that they can fade in and out of your life at their own leisure. And, because you did not require closure, your roller coaster emotional state about the entire situation can let them.
So yes, if it really is time to transition out of a friendship, request a formal meeting, preferably in person, to hash everything out. It will prevent both of you from making assumptions. Plus, it's a sign of basic-level respect—something both of you should give each other, if there was ever a true friendship there to begin with.
Forgive. Grieve. Release.
Nelson Mandela once said, "When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive." He's spot-on. As someone who personally believes that forgiveness is not an act, so much as a process, I feel that when we struggle with not forgiving someone, that is a form of self-abuse.
Unforgivingness is typically about trying to punish someone for the pain that they caused and then taking control of the situation. But while we're over here still not forgiving, they are out somewhere living their best life—or at the very least, not putting in nearly as much energy into us as we are into them by not letting the offense and pain go.
No one said that forgiveness was easy (at least no one who has actually done it before), but if you want to heal, you have to pardon the pain and work on letting go of the resentment—not just for your sake, but the sake of your other relationships and the future individuals who will come into your life (two great reads about not forgiving someone are "8 Signs You Have NOT Forgiven Someone" and "5 Tests to Determine If You've Forgiven Someone").
The reason why I recommend forgiving before grieving is because forgiveness helps you to grieve in a healthier space. If you're trying to mourn something or one while you're still mad or bitter, it will prevent you from fully processing the situation in a productive way. As a result, you could remain stuck in the cycle of grief for years to come.
And finally, release them. I'm pretty open about the fact that I like the word "release" because, to me, it takes the pressure off of having to decide what comes next as it relates to a broken relationship. Rather than trying to control the ultimate outcome, I fully let God do it. I focus on learning what I needed to, developing healthier boundaries and bettering myself. The rest, I leave the rest up to him. If life sees fit for me and a past friend to reunite for some point or purpose, the forgiving and grieving that I did keeps me from totally closing myself off to that. At the same time, if I am to truly leave what was behind me, healing makes that possible too.
Broken friendships are difficult. But they are not impossible for you to heal from. With time, intention and self-love, you can get through the end of a friendship and come out all the better from it. Because, if you really immerse yourself in the healing process, it can make you a better friend to yourself and others. I am living proof of that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships
Losing My Best Friend Taught Me Authenticity
How I Overcame The Hurt Of Losing My Best Friend
Should You Take An Ex-Friend Back?
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- 3-Step Guide To Self-Healing - xoNecole ›
- How To End A Friendship: Tips & Tricks - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Solve Common Friendship Issues - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Healthy Ways To Process Grief And Change - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Choosing Health Over Length: How To Create Boundaries With Friends You’ve Outgrown - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
- What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About? - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
- Tips-for-Mending-a-Broken-Friendship ›
- How to Mend a Broken Friendship ›
- How to Heal a Broken Friendship - Shape Magazine | Shape ›
- How to Heal a Broken Friendship - Ministry of Hope with Melanie Redd ›
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- How to Deal—and Heal—When a Friend Breaks Up With You ›
- Start Healing from a Broken Friendship Through God's Word | Blog ... ›
- How to Heal a Fractured Friendship | Psychology Today ›
- When a Friendship Ends: 5 Steps to Healing the Sadness | HuffPost ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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