

Whether it's an acquaintance, co-worker, new friend, or new date — we have to be open to asking strategic questions to get to know each other a bit more in-depth. Asking the right questions can take you a long way to determine how much of your time and energy do you want to spend with another person. We all can help each other grow, but it starts with being a little vulnerable to see what things you can enjoy together or what might be triggering for that person and may require you to lead with caution.
Here are some questions you should consider asking someone you want to know on a deeper level:
1. What’s your favorite love languages?
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Learning someone's love language allows you to understand how that person prefers to show and receive love. There are even quizzes you can take to discover your love language before you ask others. Created by Gary Chapman, the five love languages are quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts. And although they are commonly used to refer to romantic relationships, love languages can be applied to every relationship in your life, including the one you have with yourself.
2. What are your short-term goals?
Asking what someone's short-term goals are allows you to see if they are a person with a plan instead of living life with no direction, and you could see how realistic their goals are based on what they are doing now to achieve them.
3. What are your long-term goals?
Long-term goals are where our dreams live! Hearing a person map out the little steps shows you how strategic and serious they are about accomplishing their objectives. Are they just a dreamer or an active achiever? If they want a family, how are they holding themselves accountable in existing relationships and working things out instead of canceling everyone? Are they securing their financial bag to invest in their dream company, or are they splurging going on ten vacations a year and not saving a dime?
4. What's your relationship with your family like?
Asking questions about family relationships is essential because everyone has a unique connection with their family. For some people, family can be so exhilarating to talk about, and for other people, it could be a nightmare and a huge trigger of emotional distress. Our family has a lot of influence on us, whether we like it or not, so knowing their relationship will help you understand why they haven't called a family member in years and how that reflects in other relationships in their life.
5. What happened in your last relationship that led you to break up?
This is a great window to see how accountable that person is because even though we all get hurt, we also play a role in every situation. Some situations are toxic, some people grow apart, but overall, there is always a lesson to learn and things to admit we could have done better.
6. What relationship in your life do you find the hardest to navigate in?
Learning what relationship is the hardest to navigate lets you know when you need to give this person a bit more space when he/she interacts with them. There may be a time you're around that person when they answer a call from the person they find the hardest to deal with, and all they need is the "Hey, how'd it go with so and so," "Are you OK," or "I'm here if you want to talk about it."
7. What scenarios in life are you most afraid of?
We all have scenarios we are afraid of but appreciate greatly, like I can't wait to be a mom one day, but I'm nervous about the pregnancy journey because of the high statistics of Black women not being believed when they are in pain or other health complications. So if a friend/your partner knows this, they can help comfort you and advise books, articles, podcasts, other great resources to prep for this stage in your life. And there are some scenarios that a person could never want to encounter, and talking about them can help you acknowledge their boundaries.
8. Do you enjoy reading, and what books do you like reading?
Some people are avid readers, others read a book here and there, and some don't read at all. So if you want to have a little book club to review your favorite novels with this person, it's great to ask them how often do they read and what genre they enjoy reading. Maybe they could be your reading accountability partner to pencil in 30-minute to an hour reading sessions daily or vice versa, but you won't ever know unless you ask.
9. What is your best and worst quality?
Asking someone their best and worst quality shows you how self-aware and honest they are. I'm sure after they tell you their worst quality, they'll follow up with the list of things they're doing to change that quality. Top tier bonds are rooted in transparency.
10. Are you a messy or neat person? Are you on time or usually late?
Listen, ladies, these may seem like simple questions, but they are critical when you have tickets to a concert, and you end up missing it because this person is three hours late. And then, on top of that, you plan to stay over this person's place after, and it looks like a tornado hit their room.
So asking if someone is messy or clean allows you to initiate the "Hey, since I'm staying over tonight, can you tidy up a bit, so I don't feel so out of place." And some people only know CPT (colored people time), aka late, so you need to know if you need to tell them an earlier time so they can come on time versus two hours late.
11. What type of music genres do you like most, and do you enjoy going to concerts?
Music is the world's universal language; knowing this person's favorite music genres can show you more about their character. Some people are diverse music lovers, and some people only like one or two genres. Either way, you can gauge music review conversations, and it could let you know if you have a potential friend to accompany you at concerts and festivals.
12. Who was your childhood hero?
Our childhood hero holds an extraordinary place in our hearts; mine is my mommy; I was very close to her as a child, and I cherish the relationship we have in adulthood. But learning the inside scoop on this person's childhood hero could let you know why they may have admired that person or even if that person is still around to tend to them.
13. What celebrity do you admire the most and why?
This is great info to get a hold of because it can show you what characteristic traits people value in others. Mine are J.Cole and Prince because they're both unapologetically authentic, private, and talented, not looking to please the world but be true to their craft and themselves. So asking this question can show you genuine or artificial traits they may value in others.
14. Are you religious or not?
Everyone has a very different experience with religion; some people could have only gone to church because their family demanded them to, and now they are agnostic or are new Christians and are seeking a church home on their own terms. Religion creates structure, and it shows you what people value, so it's essential to know where they stand in this area to have faith-based conversations.
15. How do you deal with finances, do you spend too much or too little?
Managing finances is a prime topic to see if this is a potential roommate, someone you can plan a vacation with or build a family with. Regardless, money matters as we all know as adults, so it's essential to discuss financial goals to respect if someone can't tag along for a vacation because they're saving up to move out of their parent's house and investing in going back to school to earn a higher degree.
16. What political party do you align with and why?
Politics and religion are mandatory to discuss in any or every relationship. People's political views say a lot about their character and what they invest their money in. This is a serious matter you have to be mindful of because the same things you are raising your voice about, they may be indifferent about and vice versa. Are you able to handle that?
17. What past mistakes do you regret the most and why?
Regrets are also useful to address because it shows you people's growth. Nobody needs a stagnant person who claims they did their best in everything; we all mess up from time to time, but we learn from those experiences that mold us and allow us to do better.
18. What do you need when you're stressed out? Do you like to talk it out, journal about it, or just want to deal with it alone?
Stress, stress, stress! I know we all hate being in this mindset but discussing what you need in stressful moments (prior to the situation) allows you to respect how that person may process negative emotions, and it shows you how you can support them during that time frame.
19. What's your ideal vacation?
Don't we all love the sound of VACATION? I know that's a yes sis, where we going, and how much do I need to save prior?! Inquiring about how people like to vacation is a mega tip for you; it shows you if that person just wants to sleep all day and party all night or the opposite and plan ahead to do all the sightseeing, visit museums and cute restaurants. It's a plus for you if you think this is a good person to invite on your small friends' trip to Costa Rica or just pass altogether on the invite.
20. What's your biggest fear?
Asking someone their biggest fears lets you know where they're the most vulnerable and may need extra support when they face seasons that trigger their fears.
21. What's your biggest flaw?
I know no one is jumping up right away to say their biggest flaws, but it's great to highlight, it shows us we're self-aware, and it leads to conversing about better ways to overcome those flaws. Who says you can't be flawless in a few months if you have the tools to combat your flaws?
The journey of getting to know someone is a beautiful process, but the older we get, we often seek more meaningful connections than teenagers looking to be friends and accepted by everyone. We can't be afraid to dig a little deeper to see our loved ones' core and vice versa to build more lasting relationships built on sturdy foundations!
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Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Earlier this week, I took a male friend of mine out for a belated birthday lunch. We both work in media, so we always have a lot — and I mean, A LOT — to talk about. Anyway, since we both were in our 20s in the 90s, we found ourselves discussing how blessed—yes, BLESSED—we were to have had the kind of R&B that that decade provided. Chile, I would provide a list of examples; however, there is not enough time or space, plus, I don’t want y’all yelling at me in the comments because I inadvertently left someone out.
Anyway, as we were also talking about how, let’s go with ho-hum, a lot of R&B is right now, especially when it comes to the lack of seduction that the genre used to have back in the day, I shared with him a joke that I once heard from comedian Deon Cole as he was comparing After 7 to today’s music. I’m actually going to post it below, so that you can get the full effect. LOL.
Video credit: @netflixisajoke
And that made me think of The Whispers and their throwback song, “In the Mood.” The real ones recall the lyrics: “Let me rub your shoulders (just relax)/Just let go/Slip on somethin' sexy/It's all right, baby, let me take control, hoo/ Step into the shower/I'll wash your back and you'll wash mine/Please stay for one more hour/I just want to make sweet love to you and feel you one more time….This is what I do to get you in the mood…Baby, I do it all to get you in the mood.” Ah, yes, music that sounds like intimacy instead of getting banged out.
And that made me want to ask a few women about what gets them in the mood as it directly relates to bedroom action, along with what, well, doesn’t. Check out what they said and then hop in the comments to share your own thoughts.
It’s always fascinating to hear about women’s sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.
*Middle names are always used, so that people can speak freely*
1. Areyla. Single. 34.
TURN ON: “I’ve always been drawn to two things: how a man smells and how crisp his line-up is. You bring a man to me who smells earthy and sexy whenever I hug him, and then he has the nerve to have a fresh haircut — girl, I am all over him! I think that it mostly has to do with those things being a sign of self-care, in a meticulous way. And if you’re into the details of you, I have no question that you will be into the details of me.”
TURN OFF: “Dirty fingernails. I have a natural curve in my own nails, so I get that it’s not always about a lack of hygiene or that he’s negligent. I just know that if you want your hands to go into certain places and spaces, you’ve got to get up under those nails, babe. I keep metal files and nail brushes in my bathroom because of it.”
2. Dachelle. Dating. 29.
TURN ON: “There are dirty talkers, then there are sensual speakers. I don’t need you to sound like you transcribed a porn video during sex. I do like when a man drops his voice an octave, speaks barely above a whisper, and asks me questions like, ‘So, what do you want me to do to you tonight? Be specific.’ And don’t let him have a strong vocabulary! I am definitely a sapiosexual, so the more intentional he is with his words, the better.”
TURN OFF: “Men who don’t cuddle. Maybe that sounds obvious, but some of my friends couldn’t care less about that. To me, if you don’t want to be close to me unless you are inside of me, that feels like we only have a physical connection, and sex means more to me than that. A man who spoons me right after sex because he wants to is gonna get another round from me. A man who doesn’t doesn’t, he also doesn’t have to worry about seeing me ever again.”
Shellie here: If you’re unfamiliar with what a sapiosexual is, check out “Tap Into What It Means To Be A Sapiosexual.”
3. Chayla. Engaged. 27.
TURN ON: “This might sound weird, but I like a man who doesn’t ‘come in hot.’ You know — guys who go down on you and act like they know just how you like it, or guys who immediately put you in a sex position and go ham like I should immediately be impressed. For me, that translates that they are doing to me what they’ve done with some woman before me, and we might not like the same things. That’s why I enjoy sexual conversations before sexual experiences. Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me. My fiancé is like that — and that’s a big part of why he’s about to be my husband.”
"Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me."
TURN OFF: “There’s nothing wrong with some hair pulling during sex; I’m all for it. What I need you to not do is pull my head into your stomach while I’m giving you head. There is already too much going on during that time and a sistah needs to breathe!”
Shellie here: We actually tackled the hair-pulling topic before on this platform. Check out “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex” when you get a chance.
4. Indigo. Married. 41.
TURN ON: “I know I sound married when I say this, but — clean this house, baby. In our home, we have a chores chart, kind of like what some of us grew up with. My husband and I each have days when we do certain things, so when he takes the initiative to do what’s on my list? That’s less work for me, which gives me more energy for him. And don’t let that man cook and clean up the kitchen more than twice in a week. How do you want it? How do you freaking want it, my love?’
TURN OFF: “My husband does his own laundry. We’re all grown and just like we have periods, men have fluids ‘n stuff in their drawers too. That’s fine. But anyone who says that keeping some mystery in a marriage isn’t needed, that’s somebody who doesn’t want to have a lot of sex. Just sayin’.”
Shellie here: There’s actually something to that chore thing. Studies say that couples who share chores end up having more sex. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. Twyla. Dating. 25.
TURN ON: “Hickeys turn me on. Two things that I can’t do are whistle and give hickeys, so I’m amazed when others can do it — and yes, when I see…what do the older folks call it, love bites, on my breasts or tummy, that makes me feel desired on another level and it puts me in the mood pretty quick.”
TURN OFF: “Hickeys where you can see them are a turn-off, though. I don’t need people all up in my business. Also, guys who don’t let you know when they’re about to cum when they’re in your mouth. Not everyone’s taste and flow are the same down there, and I have a gag reflex. Announce the rainstorm, sir. I appreciate it.”
6. Essence. Married. 31.
TURN ON: “Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants. You ever had a man tongue down, not just your neck but your wrists, tummy, and even behind your knees? A good kisser is one thing. A good all-over-the-place one? I ain’t going no damn where.”
" Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants."
TURN OFF: “Stubble. On the face and down there. It puts me in a bind because I think my husband is sexy with a salt and pepper stubble beard, but when we do a lot of kissing, it gives me beard burn, and when I’m giving him head, stubbly pubes irritate my forehead. I mean, you asked.”
7. Queen. Divorced (and Dating). 33.
TURN ON: “Men who know that there is more to us than T&A is a huge turn on for me. Kiss my forehead. Lick my neck. When you’ve got my legs on your shoulders, kiss my legs. Suck on my fingers. Help me find new spots that turn me on. Sh-t. Is it hot in here? Damn.”
TURN OFF: “My turn off is the opposite of my turn on. It’s not even so much that I want a lot of foreplay — I just want you to act like you don’t just have to play with my kitty kat to get me going. Men who don’t learn how to enjoy all of a woman are lazy lovers — and that is going to turn me dry every time.”
8. Eleena. Single. 46.
TURN ON: “If you want to get me in the mood, call me to ask what kind of sex I want to have with you. Maybe it’s just me, but my mood can determine what I’m in the mood for. One day, I might want a lot of romance. One day, we might need a safe word. One day, a quickie is what I have in mind. Pre-gaming the sex by discussing gets me in the mood because it gets us both on the same page before anything happens — and that can already make sex hot as hell.”
TURN OFF: “I don’t like it when men have sex with themselves. I don’t mean masturbating — I mean, when you are nothing more than the audience to whatever they have in mind. It’s like they get off on themselves: looking in the mirror, asking 'Do you like that?' when they aren’t really doing anything. If we’re having sex, I need you present and into me. Otherwise, you can do whatever you had in mind…by yourself…at your house.”
9. Reveeda. Married. 43.
TURN ON: “A lot of times, it’s not the sex itself that makes sex boring — it’s the predictableness of it. Take me while I’m washing my face in the bathroom. Go down on me in the driveway of our home. Shoot me a text and tell me to meet you at the first hotel where we had sex. My husband is the best that I’ve ever had because, yes, he’s good in bed, but more than that, he’s spontaneous and that gets me in the mood — and keeps me in the mood.”
TURN OFF: “69’ing turns me off. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and it’s hard for me to concentrate. Plus, I can’t get the right angle while doing him, and I can’t put his head where I want it to be while he’s doing me. Y’all can keep that position. Sex shouldn’t be so complicated.” (She laughed while she said it.)
10. Umi. Divorced (and Single) 36.
TURN ON: “I like to be flung around like I only weigh 10 pounds. I like to be choked. I like a man who stares me dead in the eyes while eating me up. Sexual confidence is gonna get me every time.”
TURN OFF: “Men who bring their ego into the bedroom. You might think that confidence and an ego are the same thing, but they’re not. Men who want to be rated, who want to know if I think their penis is the best ever or who assume that they are doing me right without consulting me — that’s not confidence; that’s peak insecurity and a total waste of my time. From the bottom of my heart, check your ego at the door.”
____
There you have it — 10 women who are crystal clear about what gets them going and what stops them dead in their tracks. What can you relate to? What makes little to no sense to you at all?
At the very least, forward this on to your girlfriends and hold your own unofficial polls the next time that y’all meet up. You never know what you might learn to get you even more in the mood — and what to do about the things that get you out of that same headspace.
After all, knowledge is power. Even in that bedroom of yours.
Straight up.
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