

How To Still Be A Good Friend...When You're Totally Tapped Out
Friendships are a responsibility. If you don't take anything else away from this article, please try and retain that lil' gem because, I was well into my 30s before I truly did. And with responsibilities, there sometimes comes the need to push through our immediate feelings or situations, in order to handle things in a mature and beneficial way. That's one of the reasons why I wrote the article, "Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'". There have been so many times in my life when a friend has needed me when it wasn't the best time for me personally and vice versa. Still, we were there for each other because, well, that's what real friends do.
Yet what do you do when the moments arise when you feel totally drained, your friends still need you and, while it's totally nothing personal, you feel like you wanna just…vanish for a while? How can you find the balance between still being a good friend and taking care of you too?
If you want to figure out how to personally maintain without sabotaging your friendships in the process, I've got a few tips that have helped me and my friendships to stay afloat.
Figure Out the Source of Your Exhaustion
The die-hard Love & Basketball fans will remember the scene when Quincy came home to see his mom sad and saying, "I am tired." It was an all-encompassing tired. The kind when the source of your stress has you so worn out and spent that you don't know if you need a bottle of wine, two days of uninterrupted sleep, to sit on someone's therapy couch or—all three.
A part of the motive behind the article, "You're Tired AF. But What Kind Of Rest Do You Need?" is because "tired" is a pretty layered word and, it really isn't until you get down to the very source of what is wearing you out that you can get replenished so that you can give out of your surplus rather than out of your lack. So, if your friends are reaching out to you right now yet, in spite of how much you love and care about them, you really don't want to be bothered because you don't have a whole lot to give, spend some quiet time meditating, journaling or just chilling out and reflecting on what could be causing you to feel the way that you do. The sooner you get to the answer, the sooner you can find a solution that will help to revive you again.
Then Figure Out If There’s a Specific Friend Who’s Draining You
OK, so when it comes to figuring out what could be the root of your tapped-out-ness, be honest—is it actually one of your friends? Man, although there's a fair share of articles out in the world that touch on the topic of high-maintenance partners, there aren't nearly enough that get into how to navigate around a high-maintenance friend. You know the type—they've always got a crisis and/or always want advice even though they never take it and/or they always seem to have a ton of more expectations about what you should be giving them than what they should be offering you.
I once had a friend like this (a few actually, over the course of my life). What I came to realize is, because I was putting so much into their emotional vampire-like ways, I oftentimes didn't have enough for me or for my other friends. As a result, a lot of my other relationships suffered. Moral to the story? Once I started to draw boundaries with that particular individual, I began to have a lot more energy and I was able to balance my relationships so much more effectively.
Listen, sometimes the high-maintenance friend has enough good qualities that you don't want to totally cut them out of your life (or, as I prefer to do it these days, release them). Yet if the reason why you feel so tapped out keeps coming back to one specific person, it is definitely time to set some limits—for your sake and so that your other friendships don't get "penalized" due to what one person is doing. Or not doing.
Share How You’re Feeling—Without Any Guilt from Doing So
I am all about taking out friendship inventory. It's when you and a friend are intentional about discussing where your friendship stands at any given moment, so that you both can determine if there are any needs that are going unmet. Just recently, a dear friend of mine and I had one of these. She's the type of person who tries to find the upswing of bad circumstances which is good; it means that she's a positive individual. However, sometimes her timing sucks. What I mean by that is, I could be sharing something that happened that really hurt me and when she comes with her "silver linings", sometimes that comes off as flippant rather than sympathetic.
When I brought all of this to her attention, her feelings were hurt. When I responded with, "Since we are friends, I trust you to say whatever you want without walking on eggshells. At the same time, you've got to accept that I don't always have to like what you say or agree either." When I expressed where I was coming from in that way, she totally got it. We both agreed that having that conversation would definitely help us to communicate more effectively with one another in the future.
For better or for worse, I've got a couple of friends who, when they are worn out, upset or frustrated (whether it's with me, another friend or due to some other reason), rather than sharing that, they get ghost. All that does is cause me to worry about them and try and seek them out when, if they had simply called or even shot an email to say, "I need some time", I'd be less concerned and they would automatically get the space that they need.
Personally, I think one of the biggest mistakes in relationships is that so many folks expect others to be mind readers. In order for any kind of relationship to be healthy, people need to share their feelings and feel totally safe, comfortable, loved and accepted while doing so. If you love your friends yet, for whatever the reason, you need a minute, tell them that. Only a bad friend would try and make you feel guilty or penalize you for sharing where you are coming from. And if someone isn't serving you well…well.
Ask Your Friends What They Need. Then Negotiate.
Not too long ago, a married friend told me that she heard someone say that they don't like to use the word "negotiate" when it comes to marriage because it means that someone ends up "winning" at the end of the negotiation and that shouldn't be the goal. I really do strive to be as word specific as possible and so, since I know that definitions of negotiate include ones like "to arrange for or bring about by discussion and settlement of terms" and "to move through, around, or over in a satisfactory manner", I personally like the word "negotiate" a lot. At the end of the day, it's all about compromising and, for relationships to remain healthy and functional, compromising needs to happen—often.
That said, when you know that you're in a season when you'd like to focus more on self than others, a way to remain a good friend in the process is to ask what your friends need from you during that time. Share with them where you're at, both mentally and emotionally, and then try and figure out where the two of you can meet in the middle.
For instance, if you've got the kind of friend who needs a lot of quality time, to the point where you can rarely get off of the phone with them in under an hour, let them know that you're still available for emergencies but a half-hour chat, a couple of times a week (maybe even once a week), is all you can do right now. Again, if they're a good friend, they're gonna recognize how you prioritizing them at all means that you value the relationship, so they'll be thankful and back off a bit. Besides, if you are the only person who they can rely on—and more importantly, if they don't know how to do an adult-level of self-soothing—there is some imbalance in your friendship, anyway. Right?
“Love Language” Your Friendships
If you haven't already read it, one article that I encourage you to check out on this platform is, "This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships". By knowing if your friends feel most loved by words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time or gifts—that can also help you to figure out how to still be available to them, when you're tapped even, just on a less active level. For instance, if you've got a friend whose primary love language is words of affirmation, while you might not feel up to phone conversations at the moment, sending them a Hallmark card or shooting a text about how much you appreciate them will speak volumes in their life. Or, if you've got a friend whose primary love language is acts of service and you know that they've got a big project coming up, sending them something that can make completing the project easier would probably really make them feel seen and appreciated.
It's been my experience that, a lot of people can handle their friends not being as available as they usually are, so long as they still feel connected to their friends on some level. There are all kinds of ways to let your peeps know that you "got them" without you having to further exhaust yourself in the process. You just need a little quiet time and creativity to figure it all out.
Don’t Force What Isn’t There
Even with all that I just said, sometimes "it's" (the time, effort, energy or even interest) just not in you, no matter how much you wish that it were. This is when your friends need to show up and reveal how much they've got your back. I remember back when I went through my last heartbreak, one of my closest friends literally sat on the phone with me while I cried, pretty much all day long. Not only that but she had food delivered to my home—and she lives in another state. She's married, with kids and has a really booming career, so best believe that all of that was a sacrifice. Matter of fact, she actually had some things going on at the time that she needed to discuss. Still, she put things on the back burner to help me through.
And you know what? If you're so tapped out that you need a little help, your true friends will see that, put their needs (from you) on the side, for a season, as well. Because another beautiful thing about friendship is, when two people are good friends to each other, they both are willing to make sacrifices to help one another out.
We all have moments when we're simply spent. Communicate. Compromise. And allow your friends to be a friend to you when they've got more in them at the time than you do. If everyone lived by this rule, friendships would remain intact. Even during the "Girl, I'm just so tired" seasons of life.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Megan Thee Stallion Shares The 'Intense' Workout Routine That’s Got Her Snatched
One thing about Megan Thee Stallion is that she’s going to motivate you to stay active. From afar, she seems like the perfect gym bestie, and up close, it looks like her workouts would have us gasping for air. But hey, she doesn’t call her routines “bootcamp” for nothing.
After an extended break from social media and the public eye, the Houston Hottie is back sharing the high-energy workouts that are keeping her lean and she’s happy to report that “the results have been resulting."
The 28-year-old rapper dropped an Instagram Reel, detailing the workout routine that’s putting her endurance to the test. With the help of her personal trainer, Megan has one word in mind when it comes to her progress and that’s: “Consistency.”
The “Savage” artist has been traveling, making “hot girl moves," and after returning from a trip to New York, she expressed that her trainer is pushing her to keep the same energy back in the gym.
“I had just gotten back from New York and I told my trainer, ‘Look, friend, I was having a time. Can you please take it easy?’” Megan said. “He said, ‘Hmm, I’ve seen you doing all that hot girl s—, so what you need to do is get in that gym and have that same energy.’”
Her trainer then instructed her to do jumping squats with an exercise ball and resistance band around her legs for an extra burn. “I put my thing down, flipped it, and reversed it and that’s what happened. This sh– burned like a motherf—,” she teased in the video’s voiceover while executing both forward and backward jumping squats.
It’s clear that when it comes to Megan’s fitness, her trainer doesn’t play around about pushing her to her limits. In the next set of her cardio moves, we see the Grammy-winning artist jumping rope and moving on to a combination of mountain climbers and lateral jumps over a speed hurdle.
“Right here, that’s when I realized: I’ve been saying my trainer’s crazy but I know he’s really, really crazy because he must think that I’m trying out for the Houston Texans or something,” she joked.
To finish her workout, Meg hit two more barbell exercises, one being a set of cleans with 10-pound weight plates on the barbell. She then closed out by doing lunges with the barbell racked on her shoulders.
Of course, the best way to close out a workout is to nourish yourself with a balanced meal. Meg showed off her delicious post-workout plate with salmon, a sweet potato, and assorted veggies.
With so much of her public life being shared on the internet, it’s nice to see her letting us in on her progress in a fun and motivating way. “I just want to be transparent with y'all. Working out hurts, but it’s really a mental thang, so go do it!”
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