

How To Deal With Your White Friends Right Through Here
Something that God and I have been working through is the fact that, although, in hindsight, I attended one of the most racist "Christian" high schools, I'm going to say in the South (no joke), it ended up working out in my favor in the long run. Case in point, I doubt I would be able to write an article like this if I hadn't learned the differences between dealing with flat-out racists who hide under the title of "white evangelical", white people who honestly don't mean any harm but are just ignorant AF about all things race relations-related and those who are truly white allies—and good friends.
With that being said, I don't know who could deny the fact that 2020 has been a year when race and racism has piqued on some pretty high and significant levels. As I find myself saying a lot, it's not that the Trump Administration invented racism (Reagan once called Africans "monkeys" and George W. Bush totally turned his back on our New Orleans family during Hurricane Katrina); but boy oh boy, have those jokers amplified it. And when things are at a fever pitch like this, pardon the pun, but folks' true colors really do tend to show. Take an article that I recently read, for example—"Support For Black Lives Matter Surged During Protests, But Is Waning Among White Americans". (Chile…)
While Black and brown people are literally out here using our blood, sweat and tears to get the justice we deserve, how do we make sure that we approach our relationships with our white friends from a healthy mental and emotional space? While I certainly do not have all of the answers on this one—not by a country mile—I will share what I've been doing to keep things as, balanced, as I can.
Try Not to Generalize
While I'm personally someone who does not believe that Black/brown people can be racist (because to be racist, you need an enormous amount of power), we most definitely can be prejudiced. One definition of prejudice is "unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, especially of a hostile nature, regarding an ethnic, racial, social, or religious group" while another is "any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable". I actually know someone who takes her prejudice to the absolute peak because, no matter what white person she comes into contact with, she automatically assumes that they are a racist or they have an agenda. While things like the news and social media can make it tempting to feel that way sometimes (trust me, I get it), that's not right or fair. We don't like anyone to generalize us, so, for the sake of doing our part to keep humanity thriving as much as we possibly can, we must extend that same courtesy to others. Bottom line, like pretty much any human being, until a white person reveals themselves to be someone who isn't worthy of being in your personal space, try and not judge them based on their entire ethnicity. That is wrong, no matter what ethnic group you fall into.
Remember the Golden Rule
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Can you imagine, how much more harmony we'd all have if we actively applied this with the people we interacted with? If we want to be respected, we need to give respect. If we want to be heard, we have to listen. If there's something that someone doesn't understand, we should try and explain it. There is actually a Scripture in the Bible that says, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1—NKJV)
A lot of people live by the rule "don't discuss religion and politics" in order to avoid conflict. I'm not that person. I don't find disagreements or uncomfortable conversations to automatically be a bad thing. However, when it comes to something like racism, even when we're talking to those we consider to be a true friend, it's important to give and expect the honor of being a human being who is trying to share and learn. No one said these conversations are easy but if there is a mutual esteem in place, they don't have to ruin relationships either.
Also, Remember Why You’re Friends with Them in the First Place
If you're really honest about the dynamics of, pretty much all of your friendships, the reality is there are certain things that you have in common—and then, there are certain things that couldn't make the two of you any more different. When it comes to your relationships with white people, automatically coming from two different ethnicities sets you apart. Yet, beyond that very obvious point, take a moment to reflect on why you became friends with each other in the first place. Some of my white friends, we're both writers. Some of my white friends, we enjoy the same things in pop culture. Some of my white friends, we've been a part of each other's lives for so long that there is a strong love between us, even if we don't have a ton of stuff in common.
Most of our relationships started from a place of common interests or how well we meshed with someone's character. Even though race is something that is talked about A LOT right through here, if/when you're tempted to "tap out" of your friendships with your white friends, simply because white people, in general, are wearing you TF out, try and remember why you connected with the white folks you hold dear. Remember to see them as people first. Because, at the end of the day, that's what we want others to do when they're interacting with us—not because our Blackness isn't a part of who we are, but because it is just one part of our identity.
Don’t Expect Empathy. Sympathy Is the Best They Can Do.
So, I've got a very dear close white male friend who, a couple of years ago, I had to school him. Interestingly enough, it was because he was actually trying to school me on my own culture. Lawd. I mean, any time he saw something Black-themed (like Dear White People, for example), he would hit me up, thinking that he was hipping me to something that I didn't know. After about six months of him doing this, I said, "You do know that I'm Black, right?" So much of our relationship consisted of discussing any and everything but race relations that he admitted he probably needed to hear my perspective more. Ever since then, he's come to all kinds of conclusions—that his parents are actually racist people, that his circle lives in a bubble that doesn't really deal with ethnic differences because pretty much everyone is white and that him being a white man and my being a Black woman means that we approach this thing called America (which I oftentimes refer to it as being Amerikkka) from two very different places.
Honestly, having those discussions has brought us closer in a lot of ways. But still, I try and be sensitive to the fact that just because my friend is my friend, I shouldn't expect him to have the same amount of knowledge, passion or focus as I do on my people, my community or our history. And so, while we do discuss race relations more than we ever have, I try and limit the chats to when he asks, so that I don't make him feel like I am patronizing him or that the sole purpose of our connection is so that I can "school him" on what's up with all things Black-related.
(By the way, if you've got white friends who honestly want to learn more about anti-racism and how to be a true ally, they can check out book lists here and here.)
Take Breaks When Needed. The Good White Friends Will Understand.
While growing up, there was a white family in my life who, in many ways, couldn't be more different than my own family. They were rich, white and, although I don't think I ever flat-out asked them, I believe they were Republican too (I personally am an independent). I say that because FOX News was on in their homes quite often. Over the years of interacting with them, I don't recall having more than five direct chats with any of them about race issues. At the same time, what I do remember is my mother sometimes saying to the white mom that she needed a "white people break". Usually it was after something covert happened to her as it related to other white folks in her life. The white mom would laugh and not take it personally. Then she would give my mom some space.
I was always tickled and fascinated by that. Fast forward to now and I tend to apply that unofficial-white-folks-interaction rule to my own life. I mean, who wants to call a friend, just to chat, only to hear said-friend go on and on and on about how sick of they are of their friend's ethnicity? Good Lord.
Again, this year has been rough on us. Hopefully, you've got some Black friends who you feel safe venting without editing to. My advice would be to go to them on your most frustrating days and if your white friends hit you up when you're at your brink, just let them know that America is wearing you out right now, you love them, but you need a second to catch your breath. Good and healthy white friends won't personalize that. If they consider themselves to even be a surface-level ally, they will understand and give you the space that you need to regroup.
Release Whoever Is Showing Their TRUE COLORS
If there is one thing that 2020 is doing, brilliantly so I might add, it's revealing who folks truly are. After all that I just shared, if you discover that you've got white friends who are racially apathetic, who try and defend racism, who want to make you feel guilty for your stance on race-relation issues, etc.—ask yourself, if they are really being a good friend to you or not. A good friend supports. A good friend encourages. A good friend tries to see things from your point of view so that they can support and encourage you.
We're living in some very trying times so, again, while it isn't fair to expect white people to see things exactly as we do, if the white relationships in your life don't respect where you're coming from, you may need to release them. Right now, what we all need are white friends who are allies. If you're not sure if yours are, go deep enough in your conversation with them to get the clarity that you need. By the way, a white friend that is a MAGA, defends Trump or says "I don't see color" (you should because seeing my color means that you are sensitive to my issues and needs) are some telling signs that some boundaries may need to be set.
It's not impossible to have white friends in this season. Just get clear on your needs, make sure that you state them and that you communicate with the same kind of compassion that you'd want to receive from them. Again, the white people who have your back will rise to the occasion. The ones who don't…won't. And if that's the case, they weren't really your friends to begin with…right? Exactly.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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How This Entrepreneur Manifested Her Dream Career After Being Laid Off From Two Jobs In Two Months
Entrepreneur and community curator Chanise Robinson moved from her hometown of Seattle, Washington, to Los Angeles in 2015 for the life she’d always envisioned for herself.
From a young age, she knew her dreams were too big for the Emerald City so after a quick trip to southern California it was only a matter of time before she called it home. “I’ve always wanted to leave Seattle. There wasn’t enough culture for me, and having grown up there, I knew every Black person, whether it was from school or church,” says Robinson. Immediately after obtaining her Bachelor's degree from the University of Washington, it was then she decided it was time to make her move. “I exhausted all the options, opportunities, and resources I thought I could get from living there and knew I had to leave eventually.”
After graduating from her Alma Mater as a first-generation college student, she chose to continue her education, completing her master's degree at USC. After entering the corporate world, she noticed a lack of information sharing within the Black community, which led to a strong desire to gather community peers, leaders, and experts through sit-down panel discussions. “In corporate spaces, white people are talking and sharing ideas with each other behind closed doors, and I felt Black people didn't have that same network, so I created that space where I saw the gap.”
“In corporate spaces, white people are talking and sharing ideas with each other behind closed doors, and I felt Black people didn't have that same network, so I created that space where I saw the gap.”
Receiving a little motivation from a friend, Conversations with Chanise was created in 2018 with the goal of hosting professional events people could resonate with. “A lot of the time, industry panels can feel dry and disconnected from our culture and community, so I wanted to build that network myself, using it as a platform for others to find knowledge, information, and resources needed to navigate corporate spaces, tools that I didn’t have.”
Continuing to climb in her career, in 2020, Chanise landed a role as a recruiter for one of the fastest-growing tech companies in the world, Snapchat Inc. During her time at the company, she held multiple roles from Recruiter, Diversity, Equality, and Inclusion manager, to eventually landing on the Venture Capital Team, a position that was given because of her impressive community efforts outside of work.
During this time, Conversations with Chanise evolved into Out Of Office due to the COVID-19 pandemic. “In 2020, I changed the name because we were working remotely. Working from home for two years, if you weren't fortunate enough to work for your company prior to the pandemic, then you didn't know your co-workers, especially other Black co-workers.” With the pandemic creating an even bigger challenge to the lack of networking amongst diverse employees, what began as events became a community for Black and Latinx employees from across a number of tech companies to come together and meet fellow peers from across the industry.
It wasn't until 2022 that OOO hosted its first brunch for Black History Month. The invite-only event hosted sixty-five people tech employees, complete with a five-course meal. “Eight people from Amazon attended the event, and that was the first time they had ever met each other, they were all Black.”
Earlier this year, there was an inclination of a soon-to-come recession, which hit the tech world head-on, causing many Americans to be affected. In May of 2022, Chanise was laid off from Snapchat after three and a half years. “I didn’t take the layoff personally. You would think that after being at a company for three years, you would be sad, but since my entire team got laid off, including the people that brought me on, it was just business.”
With a few inside connections, her unemployment was short-lived after receiving two job offers within the following weeks of her being let go. “A former manager on the recruiting team is now the Director of Talent and Acquisition at DoorDash. She reached out about the Senior Program Manager role and encouraged me to apply. All you need is a referral.” She describes this carefree moment of her life as funemployment. “I had another offer from a VC firm, I was on funemployment. I blew my severance check going to Miami buying tables at popular nightclubs, I was having a great time.”
"I didn’t take the layoff personally. You would think that after being at a company for three years, you would be sad, but since my entire team got laid off, including the people that brought me on, it was just business."
With two offers on the table, she went with DoorDash in late September of 2023 as a Senior Program Manager. She was indeed feeling like that girl. Less than 30 days into her new role, she woke up to an unexpected text that sent waves of uncertainty and doubt. Three weeks and two days after starting her new role, Chanise was included in a company-wide layoff.
“A former co-worker from Snapchat was also working at DoorDash at the time and called me at 6:00 a.m. informing me she was included in a company-wide layoff. At that moment, I just knew I couldn’t have been laid off, I just got here,” Chanise recounts. Quickly opening her emails, she saw the dreaded subject line 'Your Employment at DoorDash.' “This time, I was pissed. I was upset and in shock.”
Courtesy
“The first day I was still in positive spirits, it wasn't until the next day I woke up and realized this was real, and I was scared.” With the economic uncertainty looming, there was a mix of emotions. “A lot of times we talk about recessions, and we know what happened in 2008, but I was a kid in high school. Now I’m an adult, and I’ve been laid off twice. I know it’s not the skillset, and I know it's not my work ethic, so now I’m scared.” The most obvious question she had on her mind was, “What am I going to do?”
Being in such a vulnerable space of fear and uncertainty can bring back traumas buried within our deepest childhood memories. “Not only am I only a first-generation college graduate, but I grew up in a single-parent household,” Chanise details. “My mom's ex-husband had a drug problem, and by the time I was nine years old, my mom filed for bankruptcy, leading to my family and I living in a homeless shelter for a year.”
After being laid off, the possibility of being homeless was a looming fear, but it was only because of past trauma. “My work ethic and drive comes from never wanting to put myself in a position that I was in as a child. When you’re a kid, you don't have control over what happens to you, but I made a pact with God that I would always do whatever it took moving forward, and I would never be disqualified on paper.”
"My work ethic and drive comes from never wanting to put myself in a position that I was in as a child... I made a pact with God that I would always do whatever it took moving forward, and I would never be disqualified on paper."
With what seemed to be back-to-back failures, there were many conversations with God that led her to realize life happens fast and it’s up to us how we deal with it. “I’m in a situation where I can't blame anyone for what I’m going through, I can't say it's anyone else's fault, it just happens to be life.” As scary as it was to be without a job once again, this was a wake-up call for the steadfast entrepreneur. “It’s taught me a lot about the recession. It's understanding that it has nothing to do with me personally. It gave me fuel to never work for just one company at a time. You should always have multiple streams of income, and most of those streams should be things you can control at all times.”
Chanise began to realize that maybe this was the time to take her dreams for Out Of Office to the next level. “OOO was always something that I wanted to do full time, but I don’t think I would have pushed myself to be as full-time as quickly. The summit would have never been something I envisioned for myself to happen this year if I wasn’t laid off.”
Not one to back down from an opportunity, Chanise began to use what she had curated so well within her time in Los Angeles, her community. “I was listening to Kirk Franklin on The Breakfast Club podcast, and his message was to win wounded. When you're trying to cross the finish line in a race, sometimes people get hurt and want to give up, but even if you’re limping, you still need to cross the finish line.”
Wounded, she was still on a mission to fulfill the desires of her heart regardless of her situation. “Before I was laid off from DoorDash, there was a woman on the Diversity and Inclusion team who reached out, informing me they would like me to run their Black employee resource group because of my experience and what I was doing with my Out Of Office events.” She continues, “We had a meeting set for Friday and I was laid off Wednesday, two days before the meeting. Reaching out via LinkedIn, [I] informed her that my role had been eliminated; however, I would like to schedule a call to talk about OOO and what we can do.”
“During the meeting, I spoke with her about my vision to do a cross-company employee resource group summit, and it just so happened the company had plans for one the following year for internal employees. They loved that my vision was much bigger, so they decided to give me the money and let me run it instead.” And just like that, a full circle moment. The company that laid her off after three weeks of employment was giving her $45,000 to become the first official sponsor of her biggest corporate summit to date.
This was the momentum she needed to propel her into her destiny. “Even though I was sad, faith without work is dead,” says Chanise. “A lot of times, people let life stop them from pursuing their dreams, and they just give up, and you never know what it could have been.”
"Faith without work is dead. A lot of times, people let life stop them from pursuing their dreams, and they just give up, and you never know what it could have been."
Once the idea of the Employee Research Summit was to become a reality, there was a lot more work to be done. While planning for the ERG Summit, OOO was to host an upcoming event, and while excited about what was in the works, Chanise states, “I remember telling God I really don’t want to do this. This was the first time I charged people to come to a happy hour, and that’s not normally something I would do. I didn’t know if it was worth it and wanted to cancel, but I didn't.”
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After the event, she was approached by someone from Amazon’s Cross-Functional Strategic Marketing Team, who had consistently attended a number of OOO events. After a brief conversation, Chanise was informed of a sponsorship for professional development opportunities leading Amazon to become the second official sponsor, providing funds and a space to host her upcoming ERG summit. “At that moment, I knew God was telling me to 'keep going and I will provide all the resources.'”
"At that moment, I knew God was telling me to 'keep going and I will provide all the resources.'"
Fortunate to have really great friends, “I was in search of a keynote speaker, I reached out to Trell Thomas, founder of Black Excellence Brunch, who has a great relationship with Ms. Tina Knowles, among many other celebrity influencers. After discussing ideas and budget, he asked me who I’d like to speak at the event, and thinking it was a reach, I requested Ms. Tina.”
To Chanise’s surprise, Ms. Tina confirmed within a week. “She poured so much life into the audience with her message of not giving up or quitting no matter your age. Speaking to her felt like Sunday dinner, my spirit was full.” After a day full of corporate connections and panel discussions, as an added bonus, the summit wrapped up with an after-party performance by Eric Bellinger.
The Out Of Office ERG Summit was not just a moment to bridge the gap between culture and corporations but it was a culmination of hard work, faith, and determination. No matter what door closes, never be afraid of chasing your dreams. “Throughout this journey, I continued to pray. Lord, please send the resources and opportunities. Give me favor with people and help me do the work in which you have given me,” says Chanise. In the end, official sponsors for the summit included Amazon, Doordash, Snapchat, Google, YouTube, Jack Daniels, FIJI Water, and Bumble for Friends.
Courtesy
As far as going back to work full-time, Chanise shares, “I’ll pray and apply for jobs, but I'll keep working as an entrepreneur. My level of faith has been elevated. What started out as doubt turned into crazy faith.”
On words of encouragement, Chanise advises, “Just keep going, even when you're sad or don’t believe in yourself. Find one person to talk to that you know is going to push and elevate you, an accountability partner. Even if you don’t believe in God, find a faith partner. Find someone who believes and has the faith that you don't, to speak it over you, carrying the faith for you when you can’t.”
This year, Chanise learned that what God has for her is for her, and she’s the only person who can stand in her way. “I’m in my own way sometimes. There's also a difference between providing and sustaining. God will provide you with just enough, and He’ll give you the wisdom and the resources to stretch it long enough for it to last. That's different from asking God to provide.
"We underestimate our creativity. God never gives you a finished project but He gives you the creativity, ideas, and resources to be able to build, sustain, and provide for you. It’s being able to tap into that.”
For more of Chanise, follow her on Instagram @conversationswithchanise.
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