How You And Your Partner Can Listen To Each Other Better
Any time an engaged couple asks me what they could proactively stand to work on, as intently as possible, learning how to really listen to each other always comes up in the top five. I can't tell you how many miscommunications, knock-out-drag-outs and shoot, even a lack of emotional connecting can be avoided if two people simply purposed in their mind to get still, put a pause on potential distractions and really just listen to one another.
That's what we're going to touch on today. Whether you've been seeing someone for two months or 10 years, you can always improve the quality of your dynamic by making sure to listen to your partner as you encourage him to do the same.
Wait Until You Are Ready to Actually Listen
A number one cause of breakdowns in marriages is poor communication. And what's one of the biggest causes of poor communication? People who don't know how to listen. Listening is a heck of a lot more than just hearing someone. One definition of listen is "to pay attention". Another that I also really like is "to wait attentively for a sound".
If you're not prepared to give your partner your undivided attention and be patient as they are trying to articulate and express their thoughts, then you're not ready to fully listen to what they have to say.
Keeping these points in mind, one of the best ways to start listening better to your partner is to wait until you know when you will actually…listen to them. This is especially the case if they want to have a serious conversation with you.
And what if, for whatever the reason, you aren't exactly ready to listen? There is no need to be short, patronizing or rude. Simply think of when you know you can be more attentive; when you will be willing to do your best to understand what needs to be conveyed. A time when there are not as many distractions, you are not mentally preoccupied with lots of other things, and your energy is in a place that won't put them on the defensive (more on that in a moment). Try and figure out a time within 48 hours of their request. Trust me, the more open you are to listening (as they are to you), the much smoother your conversations will be able to go.
Practice the Golden Rule
Sometimes, when I'm in counseling sessions, I'll look at one of the spouses and be like, "Wow. No wonder your partner is almost out of the door." Their body language is foul. They are constantly talking over me and their spouse. All they really care about is how they feel about a certain person, place, thing or idea. Compromising is never really on the table. Coming to a place of peace, for both parties, is something they couldn't care less about. Oh, but when it's time for their needs to be addressed, all of what I just said goes completely out of the window. Suddenly, their spouse is to be totally different than they just were to them. You know what this kind of person is called, right? Yep. A HYPOCRITE. Pretty much all of us are familiar with the golden rule—do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When it comes to really and truly listening to your partner, is this a courtesy that you honestly can say that you extend to him? (Be honest now.)
Count to 5 (or 10) Before Responding
Oftentimes, whenever people read a tip like this one, they think it only applies to when they are pissed off or irritated. While it is a good idea to count to five or 10 when you feel that way (although what's actually better is to refer back to the first tip that I mentioned), I think that internally counting should be a practice in all conversations. I'm sure you've heard before that lots of people are more focused on getting out what they want to say next instead of hearing what someone is already saying. Well, this is definitely the cause of why a lot of couples don't feel heard—and therefore, respected—in their relationship.
The reality is, if all you care about is what you want and need to say, all this means is you simply want to get off a monologue with your partner serving as your audience. Not only is that counterproductive in communication but, real talk, it's pretty arrogant and insensitive too. Whether you feel triggered, whether you totally disagree with them, or even if it's that you simply have lots to say in response to what is being said, still take a moment to count, process and think about what the appropriate response should be.
Good communication is not a race to the finish. It's a tool that helps both people feel like some resolve has been obtained.
Get Off of the Defensive
Whew. I don't know if anything is more exhausting than someone who is defensive all of the time. I actually had to end a coaching relationship with a married couple because the wife was this kind of person. What's interesting about these types of folks is, they typically have so many walls up, that when you call them out on their stuff, they're so busy trying to defend themselves that they can't even see where you are coming from. So, what are some signs that point to how a defensive individual acts?
- They take everything personally
- They have no idea how to see the humor in things or how to laugh at themselves
- If it's not their way, it's wrong
- They're not happy unless they get the last word
- No matter how minor a topic of conversation might be, they want to "prove" their side of it
- They feel like their partner should apologize, even when they really didn't do anything wrong
- They can hold grudges for days
Didn't you get exhausted, just by reading this? That's because defensive people are UTTERLY EXHAUSTING. So much in fact that, if the defensive person doesn't pull back some, their partner may stop opening up and/or fully listening to them altogether. And when a relationship gets to this point and place, there's nowhere good that it can actually go. At least, not until the defensiveness and some real healing (from the wounds that come from dealing with a defensive individual) transpires. Defensive folks don't listen and oftentimes aren't really heard either. Do your very best to not be this kind of person.
Get Clarity in Question Form
If you truly want a discussion (especially if you sense that it is headed towards a disagreement) to be effective, something that I've found to be super-effective, both on the giving and receiving end, is presenting things in question form. Not only can it help both people to not get defensive but, when you ask a question, it mentally and emotionally positions you to wait for an answer. Plus, it oftentimes makes the person you're directing your question to feel more comfortable opening up and providing even more information about where they're coming from and how they're feeling.
Bottom line, a surefire sign of a good listener is someone who tries to gain as much clarity as possible, so that the conversation ends up being productive rather than 1) a waste of time or 2) something that made matters worse rather than better. If you're not used to communicating with questions, try it. So long as the approach is sincere and non-condescending (which is another Ted Talk for another time), it can make for a much smoother exchange between you and your partner.
Make Finding Resolution More Important than Being Right
A wise person once said, "Immature people always want to win an argument, even at the cost of the relationship." (Check out "How To Deal With A Partner Who's NEVER Wrong") In striving to listen to your partner better, it's important to always—and I do mean, always—ask yourself if you care more about being right or respecting them by validating their feelings and views. Another question to ponder is, when there is conflict, is working together to find a resolution your top priority?
I'm pretty sure you've heard the quote by author Stephen Covey that says, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood", but did you know that is only a part of it? The ending is, "Seeking real understanding affirms the other person and what they have to say." Understanding someone is about comprehending what they are saying and, (what I really like) grasping why their thoughts are so significant to them. If you're someone who makes understanding a part of listening, I promise you that, not only will your partner feel respected (which is huge), they will want to share more with you. And, at the end of the day, that is what emotional safety and intimacy are truly all about.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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