Any time an engaged couple asks me what they could proactively stand to work on, as intently as possible, learning how to really listen to each other always comes up in the top five. I can't tell you how many miscommunications, knock-out-drag-outs and shoot, even a lack of emotional connecting can be avoided if two people simply purposed in their mind to get still, put a pause on potential distractions and really just listen to one another.
That's what we're going to touch on today. Whether you've been seeing someone for two months or 10 years, you can always improve the quality of your dynamic by making sure to listen to your partner as you encourage him to do the same.
Wait Until You Are Ready to Actually Listen
A number one cause of breakdowns in marriages is poor communication. And what's one of the biggest causes of poor communication? People who don't know how to listen. Listening is a heck of a lot more than just hearing someone. One definition of listen is "to pay attention". Another that I also really like is "to wait attentively for a sound".
If you're not prepared to give your partner your undivided attention and be patient as they are trying to articulate and express their thoughts, then you're not ready to fully listen to what they have to say.
Keeping these points in mind, one of the best ways to start listening better to your partner is to wait until you know when you will actually…listen to them. This is especially the case if they want to have a serious conversation with you.
And what if, for whatever the reason, you aren't exactly ready to listen? There is no need to be short, patronizing or rude. Simply think of when you know you can be more attentive; when you will be willing to do your best to understand what needs to be conveyed. A time when there are not as many distractions, you are not mentally preoccupied with lots of other things, and your energy is in a place that won't put them on the defensive (more on that in a moment). Try and figure out a time within 48 hours of their request. Trust me, the more open you are to listening (as they are to you), the much smoother your conversations will be able to go.
Practice the Golden Rule
Sometimes, when I'm in counseling sessions, I'll look at one of the spouses and be like, "Wow. No wonder your partner is almost out of the door." Their body language is foul. They are constantly talking over me and their spouse. All they really care about is how they feel about a certain person, place, thing or idea. Compromising is never really on the table. Coming to a place of peace, for both parties, is something they couldn't care less about. Oh, but when it's time for their needs to be addressed, all of what I just said goes completely out of the window. Suddenly, their spouse is to be totally different than they just were to them. You know what this kind of person is called, right? Yep. A HYPOCRITE. Pretty much all of us are familiar with the golden rule—do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When it comes to really and truly listening to your partner, is this a courtesy that you honestly can say that you extend to him? (Be honest now.)
Count to 5 (or 10) Before Responding
Oftentimes, whenever people read a tip like this one, they think it only applies to when they are pissed off or irritated. While it is a good idea to count to five or 10 when you feel that way (although what's actually better is to refer back to the first tip that I mentioned), I think that internally counting should be a practice in all conversations. I'm sure you've heard before that lots of people are more focused on getting out what they want to say next instead of hearing what someone is already saying. Well, this is definitely the cause of why a lot of couples don't feel heard—and therefore, respected—in their relationship.
The reality is, if all you care about is what you want and need to say, all this means is you simply want to get off a monologue with your partner serving as your audience. Not only is that counterproductive in communication but, real talk, it's pretty arrogant and insensitive too. Whether you feel triggered, whether you totally disagree with them, or even if it's that you simply have lots to say in response to what is being said, still take a moment to count, process and think about what the appropriate response should be.
Good communication is not a race to the finish. It's a tool that helps both people feel like some resolve has been obtained.
Get Off of the Defensive
Whew. I don't know if anything is more exhausting than someone who is defensive all of the time. I actually had to end a coaching relationship with a married couple because the wife was this kind of person. What's interesting about these types of folks is, they typically have so many walls up, that when you call them out on their stuff, they're so busy trying to defend themselves that they can't even see where you are coming from. So, what are some signs that point to how a defensive individual acts?
- They take everything personally
- They have no idea how to see the humor in things or how to laugh at themselves
- If it's not their way, it's wrong
- They're not happy unless they get the last word
- No matter how minor a topic of conversation might be, they want to "prove" their side of it
- They feel like their partner should apologize, even when they really didn't do anything wrong
- They can hold grudges for days
Didn't you get exhausted, just by reading this? That's because defensive people are UTTERLY EXHAUSTING. So much in fact that, if the defensive person doesn't pull back some, their partner may stop opening up and/or fully listening to them altogether. And when a relationship gets to this point and place, there's nowhere good that it can actually go. At least, not until the defensiveness and some real healing (from the wounds that come from dealing with a defensive individual) transpires. Defensive folks don't listen and oftentimes aren't really heard either. Do your very best to not be this kind of person.
Get Clarity in Question Form
If you truly want a discussion (especially if you sense that it is headed towards a disagreement) to be effective, something that I've found to be super-effective, both on the giving and receiving end, is presenting things in question form. Not only can it help both people to not get defensive but, when you ask a question, it mentally and emotionally positions you to wait for an answer. Plus, it oftentimes makes the person you're directing your question to feel more comfortable opening up and providing even more information about where they're coming from and how they're feeling.
Bottom line, a surefire sign of a good listener is someone who tries to gain as much clarity as possible, so that the conversation ends up being productive rather than 1) a waste of time or 2) something that made matters worse rather than better. If you're not used to communicating with questions, try it. So long as the approach is sincere and non-condescending (which is another Ted Talk for another time), it can make for a much smoother exchange between you and your partner.
Make Finding Resolution More Important than Being Right
A wise person once said, "Immature people always want to win an argument, even at the cost of the relationship." (Check out "How To Deal With A Partner Who's NEVER Wrong") In striving to listen to your partner better, it's important to always—and I do mean, always—ask yourself if you care more about being right or respecting them by validating their feelings and views. Another question to ponder is, when there is conflict, is working together to find a resolution your top priority?
I'm pretty sure you've heard the quote by author Stephen Covey that says, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood", but did you know that is only a part of it? The ending is, "Seeking real understanding affirms the other person and what they have to say." Understanding someone is about comprehending what they are saying and, (what I really like) grasping why their thoughts are so significant to them. If you're someone who makes understanding a part of listening, I promise you that, not only will your partner feel respected (which is huge), they will want to share more with you. And, at the end of the day, that is what emotional safety and intimacy are truly all about.
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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