How To Maintain Your Mental Health & Sustain Healthy Friendships At The Same Time
It would be a complete lie if I told you that I was fine; even as I write this, I'm not fine. As a Black woman with pre-existing mental health issues on top of financial burdens, constant fear for my life and being afraid of being in a room with more than 10 people at a time, I can confidently say that life has been pretty stressful. One of the most stressful parts about all of this is that my relationships have suffered, and I don't necessarily mean my romantic relationship.
Throughout the past few months, my best friend and I have been going through a rough patch. Granted, all friends do at some point or another, but we were just mentally and emotionally no longer in sync. I began to retract from her, not vocalize what was going on inside of my own head and bury myself in my work. Not because I had any ill will towards her, but because I felt as though she was doing the same - not talking to me.
In my head, if I'm not your person anymore, you don't have the privilege of being mine. Selfish, but unfortunately true.
Little did I know, she was lowkey feeling the same way about me. Small misunderstandings translated into escalated arguments; we would go for days without speaking and our friendship had only functioned simultaneously for the first time in months when we put together a digital conference. All of the RSVPs and YouTube replays could not compensate for our true underlying issues in our friendship. Even with our first successful business partnership, it was a very surface-level friendship and we never spoke with one another about our personal lives.
While trying to keep my mental health afloat, I feel this innate obligation to always check on everyone around me and constantly be in go-mode. Truth be told, I needed someone to check in on me and I needed to be a better mental health accountability partner. Pulled from my own personal experience, check out my advice on maintaining your mental health and healthy friendships when everyone is going through it:
Ask Each Other How You’re Doing And Mean It:
It's easy to send a "Wyd" or "What's up?" text when starting off a conversation, but when you're asking, be genuine. If you're not ready to actually have your friend possibly unload and you're just asking how they are for a meaningless segue into the heart of the conversation, I suggest not asking. Mental health check-ins are extremely important in functional healthy relationships, especially during heightened times of racial injustice and social distancing, so make time for one another to truthfully spill the tea on how you're actually doing.
Give Each Other Grace:
Everyone is going through it right now - especially as a Black woman. My best friend works a full-time 9-5 and I'm a full-time freelancer so, needless to say, we've both got our hands full. Give yourself and your friend time to feel everything that you're feeling and know that everything you're feeling is completely valid. If they don't answer your text messages or FaceTime calls when you expect them to, that doesn't mean that they no longer f*ck with you. If it's been a couple of days, sure it's normal to be concerned, but extend the olive branch and allow them to reach out when they're ready. It's OK to want to be there for your friend, but don't be too pushy or overbearing.
Open And Honest Communication Is Key:
If you're anything like me, you don't like to talk about your problems in your friendship or face them because then the problems don't exist; they are merely a figment of your imagination. However, failing to communicate doesn't solve problems, it creates them. Don't be afraid to bring your concerns about the friendship to one another, even if it means a few awkward pauses in between monologues. This person is your friend for a reason, so you should be able to come to them about anything - especially if this is your best friend and your main confidant. It's always tough to be honest about some snags in your friendship - I mean, look at Issa and Molly. Once you tap into that open communication and honesty, the hard part of actually addressing the problem head-on is over.
This Is Your Friend, Not Your Enemy:
Admittedly, my best friend and I have both been extremely moody, but it's not because of one another. Life is happening and it's happening to the both of us individually, which translates and trickles into our friendship with each other. Just because you may feel as though everything is slowly crumbling at the tips of your fingers, that doesn't mean that your friendship has to. I don't know who needs to hear this, but your friend is your friend for a reason. They're there to help and support you through whatever you're going through and they're not the bad guy here.
You're battling your own demons and it takes a lot of inner strength. Sometimes battling internally can alter your reality, including who is against you and who's for you. One thing I can assure you of is, projection is real, but don't create problems with your friend and push them away just because you're going through something. That's not fair to them.
Put Yourself Before The Friendship:
This sounds backwards, I know, but hear me out. You can't pour from an empty cup and you can't drive a car with an empty tank. Take time to assess where you are in life, where you want to be, and what kind of friend you can afford to be to everyone without stressing yourself out. Be honest about your ability to be a friend to others if you're not truly taking care of yourself. Once all of your ducks are in a row, you can swim on down through any body of water. Until then, you can expect to drown before you get to the deep end.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy