

If you've read between 3-5 of my friendship articles on this site before, you've probably seen me mention that it tickles me, whenever people speak of having multiple best friends. The word "best" speaks to someone being the most, above all else. So, while you can have many good friends, a best friend, by definition, is to stand heads above the rest.
That said, something that I'm a fan of is individuals who strive to be their own best friend. When you think about the fact that the word "best" is about putting something first and focusing what will prove to be most advantageous or successful, why wouldn't you want to make sure that you care about yourself enough that you are doing what is truly best for you? That you are completely and totally at peace with you? That you enjoy spending consistent and quality time—with you?
To me, being your own best friend doesn't mean that you don't need anyone else. It simply means that you're not needy for anyone else. You've got yourself, she's dope and because of that, everyone else is not a dire necessity, so much as a beautiful bonus. So, how can you know that you are your own BFF?
1. Your Favorite Company Is Your Own
Some of us are extroverts. Some of us are ambiverts. Some of us are introverts. When it comes to this particular point, I'm pretty sure the ambiverts and introverts are immediately gonna be able to relate since we (I tend to lean towards the ambivert side of life) get a lot of the energy we need by seeking within. But even if you're someone who gets more of what you seek by being around other people (shout-out to the extroverts), if you are your own best friend, you still have (consistent) moments when you prefer to spend time alone.
See, while an extrovert enjoys other folks, when they are their own best friend, they aren't so needy that they don't know what to do with themselves if they aren't constantly in a crowd. When your favorite company is your own, you literally live for moments when you can read a book in your favorite chair, cook a full meal for yourself or take a weekend to unplug and do nothing but pamper yourself and chill. Going out to dinner by yourself isn't weird, or even uncomfortable, because you are so at peace in your own space that you don't care what others think about you sitting at a table alone. You wanted something to eat, so you went to get it. No one else needed to accompany you. In fact, the thought didn't even cross your mind. That's just how much you dig yourself.
2. You Don’t Need the World to Help You Make a Decision
I know someone who used to constantly find themselves in a pattern of reckless decision-making. When I mentioned to them that they might want to consider seeing a therapist, they flippantly and arrogantly said, "I counsel myself." Hmph. Within that response, therein lies the problem, my friend. Proverbs 12:15(NKJV) says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise." So yes, there is indeed wisdom and maturity that comes with knowing that sometimes, getting an outside-looking-in perspective on things (from healthy, stable and trustworthy individuals) can help you to make a less narrow-minded choice.
Keeping this in mind, think about someone who you consider to be a really good friend of yours. I would assume that one of the qualities they hold is you are able to trust them—not kinda-sorta but to the utmost. Well, if you are your own best friend, the person you should have the most confidence in is yourself. You trust your principles. You trust your values. You trust your focus. To a certain degree, you even trust your gut (check out "When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't"). So, this means that you are able to have a level of security and confidence when it comes to making the choices that are right and best for you.
You don't need to always call your mama or your BFF. And, if you do and they don't agree with you, you can decipher when you should allow their opinion to weigh in on your choices or not. You know you, better than anyone. This means that deciding what's best for your life is something that, more times than not, you are able to figure out, all on your own. Know what else? You can also be at peace with your conclusions, even if you're the only one who agrees with them. Not because you're being rebellious or going out of a way to prove your independence (that's another article for another time). It's simply because you know it's OK to make decisions that not everyone will like or understand. And so…you do.
3. You Have a Healthy Sense of Self
I've shared before that something my 40s have consisted of is being intentional about knowing the difference between what is "Shellie" as it relates to a lot the childhood and adolescent trauma that I experienced vs. who I am once a lot of the trauma has been resolved and healed. I call it "Shellie vs. PTSD Shellie". One thing that Shellie is gonna die being is a direct person. Full stop. Something that is fading, because PTSD Shellie is becoming less and less of an issue, is the "inner tick" to want to try and control everything—and sometimes, everyone. This example is why I think it's so important to know the fine-line-difference between self-esteem and having a healthy sense of self. While, for the most part, self-esteem is about respecting and valuing yourself, I like how a writer by the name Antoinetta Vogels said this about what it means to have a healthy sense of self:
"A Sense of Self is a prerequisite for self-esteem but not the same. If you can't really sense your Self, if you are not aware that you are your own person, if you are not home in your own body and being, it is impossible to have any esteem of your Self. Your Self is not sensed so how could you esteem it. To be present to yourself implies paying attention to yourself, listening to your body and respond to your emotional and psychological needs."
I used to spend a lot of time, just assuming that how I am is how I was born to be. But Antoinetta is exactly right; the more I listened to my conscience, my health and, to a certain extent, my feelings, the more I was able to figure out who I am—not who my parents tried to make me be, what denomination I grew up in tried to brainwash me to be or even when the people around me tried to influence me to be. A healthy sense of self is about knowing you and then figuring out what is best for you. The more you put that into practice, the more you're able to start developing a higher sense of self-esteem that will lead you into becoming your own best friend as a direct result.
4. You’ve Got Your Own Back. No Matter What.
Yeeeeeh. Some of y'all don't wanna talk about how the Good Book says that if the world loves everything you do, spiritually, that's a red flag (John 15:19). Basically, what that means is if you stand for biblical standards, a lot of folks are gonna have a real problem with that and try and "cancel" you for it. But even beyond the Bible, a wise person once said, "If everyone likes you, you have a serious problem." What this speaks to is, if everyone is on board with you, all the time, either they don't know you very well or some parts of you are disingenuous. Why? Because it's impossible for every single person to like every other individual on the planet. Not all personalities mesh. Not everyone shares the same perspectives or values. Personal convictions alone can cause folks to be like, "Yeah, I'm good on you." Shoot, even a throwback article from Huffington Post once said that if more than 85 percent of people in your world like you, something is "off" (interesting, right?).
That's why I thought that this was also a very valid point to bring up when it comes to indicators that you truly are your own best friend. When you know you, understand you, respect you and love and like yourself, you don't find yourself compromising your standards or succumbing to pressure—whether online or off—just to get more people to "like you".
If it gets to the point and place where you've got to stand alone on some things, so be it. Things might get a little lonely at times, but you won't be devastated nor will you betray yourself. You're your own best friend, so you're in good company, regardless.
5. You Are Self-Compassionate
In the article, "What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like", something that I actually touched on was self-compassion. But for the sake of this particular article, let's look a bit deeper into what it means to have this particular quality. Truth is, compassion is probably one of the most misused words around. The reason why I say that is because, while a lot of people profess to be a compassionate person, it's not the kind of word that is lip service-based only. Compassionate folks don't just see suffering and "awh" it or retweet it and then go about their day. They are individuals who notice that someone is in need and then do what they can to bring relief.
So, when you're self-compassionate, this point applies to how you address your own struggles, mistakes and pain. You don't wallow. You are intentional about breaking unhealthy patterns. You take full responsibility for the roles you played in your hurt. And yes, when you do see where you made less-than-the best choices, you don't beat yourself up. You simply look for ways to do and be better. A self-compassionate individual is extremely proactive about suffering less and thriving more. If you consider yourself to be this kind of person, you are someone who is very good to yourself. Trust me.
6. You Do Things with Your Sanity, Well-Being and Future in Mind
Good lookin' out, fam. This is typically something that we tell someone who really looked out for us, right? When it comes to our good friends, they have a tendency to do that often. Well, when you're your own best friend, you can usually smile at your decisions, on a daily basis, because you tend to not make impulsive choices, you learn from the past and you also observe what others have done so that you don't have to go through any unnecessary drama. I can definitely raise my hand in this class and say that since I've become my own best friend if there is a person, place, thing, or idea that is showing earlier signs of jeopardizing my inner tranquility, holistic health, or even my future plans, they or it has to remain at a safe distance.
Did you peep how I also said "idea"? One day, I'll pen a piece on how we've got to discipline ourselves to not feed every idea that comes into our minds or is presented in our space. I have learned—the hard way, I might add—that the moment something comes into my psyche that my mind, body, and spirit are not all in agreement with, it's usually best to leave that thing alone. It's one of the best ways I've been a friend to myself. It has been a blessing times a billion.
7. You Are a Good Friend to Others As a Direct Result
This one is a great one to end this with. People in my world know that I don't use the word "friend" loosely. Not by a long shot (check out "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships" and "Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'"). For one thing, there is a lot of space between "friend" and "enemy" and so it's cool to have some folks be close acquaintances or even just cool people. And second, I know what I expect as well as bring to the table when it comes to my friendships. The bar ain't low and so, yeah, I am careful with the use of that word. But it's interesting that the more I became my own friend, the better I was at selecting friends—and at being a good friend to them in return. Matter of fact, once I got to a point and place of being my own best friend, the quality of my friendships rose immensely. Things are happy, peace-filled, and very settled now. And, because I'm proactive about treating myself well and right, I strive to put the same type of intention into my friendships with others too.
Without a doubt, there are other signs that you're your own best friend. But I believe that if you can nod your head to everything on this list, the others aren't necessary. Remember, life is designed for us to have friendships. All of those can be so much richer when your best friend is actually—you.
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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