When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't
Although I know it's an insanely popular bit of advice, something that I'm not very big on—and you'll never hear me suggest someone do—is "follow your heart" (for the record, if you're a Bible reader, the good book is not super-fond of it either—Jeremiah 17:9-10).
By definition, your heart is where emotions are stored up. If you think that you should always make choices based on how you're feeling at any given point and time…let's just say you're gonna be in for quite a series of emotional roller coaster rides; ones that can cause e-motion sickness.
In a lot of ways, I feel the same way about trusting your gut, although I do think it's a lot more reliable than your heart is. Basically, your gut is your intuition and there is plenty of scientific evidence to support that it is something that can oftentimes be trusted.
Oftentimes. Not all of the time.
So, how can you know for sure when it's a good idea to go with your gut and when you should probably do anything but? Personally, I think the answer is found in knowing the difference between intuition (reliable) and presumption (not so reliable).
What Is Your Intuition, Anyway?
Someone once said, "Always trust your gut, it knows what your head hasn't figured out yet." The word I take issue with here is "always."
Yes, there are times when your intuition (gut instinct) is super on-point. That's because what a lot of reputable therapists and scientific research can agree on is it's usually based on three main things: your experiences, the lessons you've learned from them, and the physical responses/reactions you get as the result of both of those things. But did you catch that in order to trust your instincts, you need to have learned from your past experiences?
Take the butterflies you might feel about a new guy who has many of the same good and not-so-good characteristics of the three past exes who totally dogged you out. If you didn't take time to heal from your exes, you might think that dating this next dude is a good thing because your "gut" is telling you so, when really it's more about 1) you probably not being able to tell the difference between love and lust (check out "Why Falling in Love Gives You Butterflies") and 2) you're confusing your intuition with your patterns.
How can you know for sure which you're doing? Take out a piece of paper and jot down the past five times you've been in a particular situation. Then be honest with yourself about how you handled each situation and what the outcome was. If you got the same results, every time, yet you kept doing the same thing even if it didn't work in your favor, that's a pattern.
If it was truly your intuition in operation, you'd get a feeling alerting you to take a different approach because your pattern from the past has taught you that you should make a different set of decisions. Make sense?
Presumption—The Counterfeit of Intuition
When believing that you're operating from the place of your intuition, there is one more thing to keep in mind; something that I oftentimes see happen in marriages. What I mean by that is if there is a counterfeit that intuition has, it's presumption. It's boldly and arrogantly assuming that you know something to be true even without any truth, facts, or evidence.
Say that you're sick of your job, but you stay because it pays well and you've got a stack of bills and debt. One day, you come into work in a bad mood and your boss gives you a super-stressful assignment. In response, you decide to up and quit because you think she has it out for you because "your gut" is telling you so.
What truth, facts, and/or evidence do you have to back that up?
How much is your bad mood influencing your frame of mind?
Do you have a source of income to take care of matters before finding something new?
One of the main things to remember when it comes to your intuition is it's designed to look out for you. It sends alerts that are related to danger and destructive choices. It's a heads up telling you to actually slow down and tap into your logical side before making a decision. It's not a co-sign to do things based on emotions alone.
Basically, if you're about to do something, your mind quickly reminds you of the last time you did something similar and how it turned out for you and your body either feels extremely peaceful (good) or anxious (not-so-good), that's probably your intuition speaking.
Anything else is a pattern, presumption, emotions, or all of the above.
Your intuition is reliable. The others? Not so much.
Featured image by Getty Images
- The Scientific Reason You Should Trust Your Gut ›
- BBC - Future - Should you trust your gut feelings? ›
- 11 Signs Your Intuition Is On Point & You Need To Listen To It ›
- Can You Really “Trust Your Gut”? – Dr. Brady Salcido – Medium ›
- Why you should trust your gut in relationships | Well+Good ›
- 5 Gut Instincts You Shouldn't Ignore - Experience Life ›
- Here's When You Should Trust Your Gut - YouTube ›
- Should you trust your gut? | Psychology Today ›
- Yes, You Should Trust Your Gut (Here's How) - One Love Foundation ›
- When Should You Trust Your Gut? Here's What the Science Says ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images