Lena Waithe On Why It’s Important To Play Your Position As A Pawn Before Becoming King
When Lena Waithe speaks, everyone in the room stops to listen. Words of wisdom pour from her lips like honey, and her lucky spectators lean in to catch every last drop.
On a Tuesday night, just a few days after many of us gave thanks with our families, her effect was no different. A diverse group of people packed into the Melody Ehsani store for the "M.E. Speaker Series" to hear gems from a selection of noteworthy panelists, including the award-winning writer and actress of Master of None, the director of HBO's Insecure Melina Matsoukas, and actor Michael Ealy, who made a surprise guest appearance.
While many of us let out a resounding cheer as Waithe became the first Black women to win an Emmy for Comedy Writing at this year's award show, it's no surprise that she humbly acknowledges that the real prize is being able to transform lives and control the narrative through her writing.
"I think Denzel said it best, 'God gives the reward, man gives the award,'" she said to the room of attendees. "I think they are symbols and also false idols. My Emmy, on purpose, sits on a shelf that's above eye level, so I don't see it every day. It's here; it's a moment, a piece of leverage. The first thing I thought about when Whitney Houston passed, I said, 'I wonder what happened to all of her awards?' I don't want something to be tangible because I can't take it with me, but the way people feel or the conversation that I have or the connections that I made with people—the eye contact, the conversations—that's something that will live in my spirit that I would take with me."
The night carried on with a steady chorus of "mmm's" echoing throughout the space as moderator Erica Williams Simon steered the conversation around topics such as the measure of success and having seats at tables we previously weren't even allowed in the room to witness.
"There was a time when black people were hot," said Waithe. "We had all the movies coming out, then we dried up. Now, the cool thing is stuff with people of color. Now we get Dear White People and Moonlight. Now, we are getting to the office and they are like well, we want stuff with Black people in it, but it has to have a twist. So, now the challenge is on us, don't just come and be like, I'm in the door. That's fine, you can be in the room, you're your drive, talent, clocking the ten thousand hours, that's what's going to keep you there. If you are going to sit at the table, sit at the head of it."
"If you are going to sit at the table, sit at the head of it."
For Waithe, having access to rooms doesn't come without responsibility. While she's climbing up she's also reaching back, serving as a mentor and oftentimes a sister-friend to those who are coming up behind her.
"I believe the best way to start change the world is by starting your own community. What I try to do is real mentorship, not throwing somebody a bone and saying come take this opportunity when you are not ready for it. It's about us that are in the forefront of those that want to be where we are saying what is it that you want, where do you want to be? The mentoring that I do, I tell people that I am going ask you more questions than you ask me."
Mentorship isn't just lip service for Waithe, she actually lives what she speaks. As one of her mentees in attendance attested, they are given opportunities to soak up advice on everything from acting to writing and directing, they get guidance on the right classes to take and the best direction for their careers, and even sometimes are sponsored for classes if their budgets won't allow them to invest in themselves.
And for those that don't have the privilege of learning directly from the master, Waithe encourages people to look amongst their own circles and act as coaches and support systems for one another. It's something that she implements with her own mentees, breaking them into small writing groups to read each other's materials, offer feedback, and serve as shoulders to cry on when times get tough.
"Anyone can learn any lesson, you don't have to be a teacher. You don't have to be Oprah to guide. And I think there is an element of looking here [at people who are at a higher level], which is fair, but also look beside you. That is the community."
"Anyone can learn any lesson, you don't have to be a teacher. You don't have to be Oprah to guide."
Perhaps more importantly than providing people with opportunities, is preparing them for what's to come. Waithe refers to the entertainment industry as a game of human chess, where the moves you make become key calculations for constant ascension, something she too had to learn over the course of her career.
"I don't just want you to be a phenomenal writer, be a politician," she said. "And not just any politician, you have to Barack Obama."
In the game of chess, sometimes being underestimated—being the pawn—has more value than being give a position of royalty.
"For some time you have to be a pawn first; that's apart of it because some people come in here like I want to do it and I'm like okay, you got to crawl before you walk," said Waithe. "Play your position to the best of your ability, and if you play your position well, eventually you will go forward. And then when the time comes or someone puts a crown on your head, don't just shine, but know how to wear it. Don't just ask to be the king, you have to know how to lead."
As a final thought, Waithe warned against tests disguised as opportunities, and where lack of preparation can rob you of your blessing. "There are instances where people will say, 'Here is an opportunity,' be weary of that. Be weary of the desire, this dream, because it will be a bunch of stuff that feels like nothing. If you aren't ready for the opportunity, then it's wasted."
It was clear that this wasn't just a panel discussion, only worthy of a quick "I was there" snap or Instastory post, but a place of communion, where we could gather together, speak our truth, and more importantly, hear solutions from those who are winning on how to continue to make an impact as we go about our respective paths.
And we're thankful for those like Waithe who don't accept praise for their gifts as being synonymous with their purpose, but instead choose to act as servants to others, no matter how high they go.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images