According To Experts, We All Have A "Type"
I have a type. Pretty much unapologetically so. At least 6'3". Dark chocolate is preferred. Please have bowed legs and a toned body (like a basketball or soccer player). I've accepted that I'm kind of into pretty boys, but they must be a little rough around the edges. As far as characteristics go? Brilliant. Quick- witted. Uber masculine. Mad creative. Drawn to philanthropy. Spiritual. Sexy. Yeeeah, just thinking about my list brings a smile to my face; some pretty cool memories too.
Not to say that my type hasn't come with some of its own specialized brand of bullshishery too. It has. Boy, has it. I think that's a part of the reason why I'm not so big on sticking to a type, just for "type's sake" as much as I used to be. I mean, my late fiancé wasn't about half of the things on my preferred list and he treated me better than most of the men I've dated—or sexed—who were my actual type. Wisdom has taught me that this reality is a fact that I certainly should not overlook.
At the same time, being that so many people in my world (both men and women alike) have a traditional type, I was curious to know why we keep searching for someone who fits into our desired specifics, even if our past has taught us that our type may not be the best thing for us. Believe it or not, science has something to do with it.
According to an article that TIME published a few years back, a lot of what we find to be attractive has to do with our personal life experiences; that although we could walk up to any random person, have a discussion about what we both find attractive and agree half of the time on our stated traits (that's what the article says anyway), the other half is all our own. It's based on where we live, what we've been through and who we've made personal connections with. Matter of fact, Laura Germine (one of the authors featured in the study) said that if we see a face and then have a positive experience with that individual, not only will we find them attractive, we'll also be drawn to others who have a look that is very similar to theirs.
Another thing that can make us decide whether someone is attractive or not is the amount of exposure we have to them. Meaning, if we keep looking at the same face over and over again, we can start to find them attractive as well (I'm pretty sure that's exactly what the media is betting on, which is why we get inundated with certain faces and body types all of the time). Then, when a face that we're not familiar with comes along, we might initially deem it as being unattractive because it's not a look that we're accustomed too.
This whole "type thing" goes well beyond looks, though. Another scientific study that I checked out said that although when we break up with someone, our initial intention may be to look for the next individual to be different from our ex, more times than not, we tend to gravitate to a person who is very similar to them. A part of the reason why is based on something that a lot of people choose to give push back on—that "We are what we attract".
Why do I say that? It's not me, it's the article. According to it, we tend to be interested in people who have some of our similar personality traits (traits that are good or not so good). There's more—we also have a strong attraction to individuals whose personality is a lot like our exes—the good and the not so good. It's not so much about whether we like all of their traits so much as we are familiar with them.
And still, there's more.
Something that I share in my first book is, once I decided to go through some sexual detoxing—in part, so that I could see if I had a "type" in that area—something that I recognized was many of my sex partners physically resembled the family member who molested me (over 6', chocolate and because he was an adult and I was a child, well-endowed) and the first sex partner that I chose to be with (also over 6' and chocolate; not bad in the genitalia department). Yeah, I've always believed that sex is so powerful that our first time (or best or worst time) can significantly influence/affect the kind of partners and sex we have after them. It would appear that I'm not alone in feeling this way.
In the article "Age of First Sexual Experience Determines Relationship Outcomes Later in Life", it stated that "the timing of when a person first has sexual intercourse clearly influences the stability and quality of future romantic relationships" and in the article "Can Your Sexual Debut Predict Your Future?", the author of it shares that having sex under the age of 15 (whether it's consensual or not) "raises the level of risk for future delinquency as well as mental and physical health difficulties (depression, eating disorders, unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases)". The author also shared that if our first experience is good, we'll tend to have a healthy view of sex. On the other hand, if it is shrouded in guilt or shame (including getting caught by a parent), that could put a "cloud" over our sex lives for years to come.
You know what they say—when you know better, you do better.
So, think about your type for just a moment. Do you keep picking people who are a mirror reflection of yourself? Maybe it's individuals who resemble your ex (or exes). When you reminisce over your first time, does it have any striking similarities to the kind of sex that you prefer even now?
It really is interesting. After doing all of this research and reading, the word that came to my mind for type was "pattern". And when I went to Google signs that we have patterns that we need to break, tons of links about unhealthy relationships and toxic connections came up. I'm sure that's not some random cosmic coincidence.
Look y'all, I'm not saying that having a type is always or necessarily a bad thing. But what I am trying to convey is if you know that you've got one but things have not been working out for you in the way you would like, perhaps sticking to your type is a part of the reason why; especially since you now know where having a type comes from.
I still want a tall Godiva Black man. And honestly, the Black part is non-negotiable. But because I know trauma and familiarity play somewhat of a direct role in why that may be the case, I'm open to go "against type"—finally. Are you?
Featured image by Unsplash
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
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Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED