8 Things Men Need—That Many Of Us Aren't Giving Them
There really is no tellin' how much happier most of us would be if we spent more time in the pursuit of what we need than what we want. Personally, I think part of the reason why we struggle in this particular area is the lines tend to blur far too much between the two. Do you need more money or do you want it? Do you need another car or do you want it? Do you need a man or do you simply want to be in a relationship with one?
Wait. Before you answer those questions, let's define the difference between a need and a want. A writer by the name of Erin Huffstetler breaks it down pretty darn well. According to her, a need is something we have to have while a want is something that we would like to have. In other words, a need is something that is essential while a want is merely a preference.
OK, with that kind of foundation laid, let's get into some things that I've heard a lot of men say that they need. I've heard it in counseling sessions. I've heard it from male friends. I've heard it on YouTube videos and podcasts. I've read it in books and on blogs. Not only have I heard men consistently say that they need the things that I'm about to share with you, I've also heard that the source of their frustration in relationships is the fact that they keep not getting them. Even when they express them.
As you check out this list, continue to keep in mind that 1) a need is not a desire; it's more like a requirement and 2) it's really hard to remain in a relationship, let alone satisfied in one, if a person is not getting what they need.
Is your man getting these following needs met? If you're not sure…ask him.
Confidentiality
Something that I deal with in marriage counseling sessions a lot more than I would've ever thought I would is husbands who wish their wives would stop talking so much. I don't mean talking in the sense that, reportedly, women use more words than men do (for the record, some say that's the gospel truth while others say it's a myth). I mean they wish their wives didn't think that everything that happens within the four walls of their home was something their mom and/or sister and/or bestie had to hear about.
Something that is beautiful about exclusive relationships is there should be a sense of confidentiality in them. One definition of confidential is "having another's trust or confidence; entrusted with secrets or private affairs" and another is "indicating confidence or intimacy". It's kind of ironic that a lot of women wish their men would open up more, while their man is like, "I would if you quit telling so much of my business and our business." Hmm.
Respect
wizardofhomes.files.wordpress.com
If you've never heard of Dr. Myles Munroe, please do yourself a favor and Google him when you get a chance. Tragically, he and his wife died in a plane crash back in 2014 but, while he was alive, he was a powerhouse; especially when it came to helping people to discover and understand their purpose in life.
Anyway, there's a YouTube video that starts out with him saying, "Men don't want respect, they need it. A man does not need love. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that a woman should love a man." And you know what? He's right. We as women need love and so we tend to spend a lot of time giving what we need rather than what the men in our lives need. Then we resent them when they don't respond in the way that we do to our acts of love when it's respect that they are after…more.
Remember, a need is something we have to have. A definition of respect is to esteem someone. When I've asked some of the men that I know to define respect from their perspective, things like—valuing their views and decisions; not talking over them while they're speaking; not airing their flaws and vulnerabilities in public; not nagging them to death or talking to them like they're children; not chiming in on conversations and jokes that degrade men and not telling them how to feel or think are forms of respect.
If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, we'd have to admit that we could stand to get better in this area. For real, for real.
CLEAR Communication
One of my favorite things—that is sometimes also one of the most annoying things—about most of the men in my life is they are extremely literal. Literal when it comes to what they say and how they process what I am saying. I'll give you an example of what I mean via a counseling session I was recently in.
As the wife was sharing with me that she had it up to here with her husband not listening to her, she shared with me that she asked him to go to the store to get some veggies for a salad. When he came back, she was irritated when she saw he didn't bring home any salad dressing. The husband said just what I thought he would: "If you needed salad dressing, you should've said that." The wife's response was, "You should've known that if we needed salad, we needed dressing."
Should. Ugh, it's one of those words that causes all sorts of unnecessary drama. It implies that just because we think a certain way that others "should" do the same thing. If you really stop and think about that, it's a very arrogant way to approach matters and situations.
I can't tell you how many men have told me that they wish more women would say what they mean and mean what they say, that they would stop expecting them to read their minds and—most of all—they would not say "nothing is wrong" if something actually is.
Poor communication continues to be a leading cause of divorce. For both men and women—albeit for different reasons and in different ways—clear communication is a definite need.
Tone-Sensitivity
If you ask a man to talk to you about what he likes most about some of his favorite songs, I'm willing to bet that he's gonna talk about the music more than the lyrics. Women? Usually, it's the opposite. Keeping this in mind, to me it makes sense that science has discovered that men oftentimes have a difficult time processing the tones in our voices. It has to do with the vibration and sound waves that we have, making it challenging for them to decipher everything that we're saying.
A lot of men have told me that they can talk about almost anything the woman they love has to say if she's not yelling it or screaming it. However, when she's doing that, they automatically check out. Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just telling you what's been told to me. Don't get too mad at your man either. He's just acting like science says men do.
Acceptance
Think about what our men—and by "our", I mean Black men—go through on a daily basis. If anyone is under constant attack and scrutiny, it's them. A lot of us know this and will even address this fact on Black Twitter, only for them to come home and hear from our own mouths all of the things we want them to change about themselves.
Personally, I think that healthy relationships consist of two people who want to IMPROVE not CHANGE one another. I also believe that with love, comes acceptance. Acceptance in the sense of affirming our partner, forgiving our partner, being intentional about making them feel heard, felt and appreciated, and letting them know that they are special and valued.
I can't tell you how many times a man has said to me, "If she's never satisfied with me, why is she here?" No one wants to be with someone who doesn't make them feel good about themselves. Yep, I totally get why, for men, acceptance is a need.
Space
Some of y'all ain't gonna want to hear this but it still needs to be said. Some of us can't keep a man because we're trying to hold on to them so tightly that it's like…they can't breathe (the hilarious #FreeTristanThompson hashtag from a while back immediately comes to mind).
Men aren't looking for someone to take over their life or even to be all up in every detail of it; they want someone who will be a good complement for them. Women who are constantly calling and texting; women who have a problem with their man spending time with other people; women who are distrusting and semi-paranoid and even women who are ALWAYS available—these are examples of women who don't know how to give a man some space.
For guys, this is so much of a need that if a woman doesn't grant it, no matter how much he digs her, he'll probably let her go. (Don't try and test this one out. Just accept it for what it is.)
Non-Bartered Affection
"Coochie coupons". This is a term I invented for wives who barter sex rather than give it simply as an act of love. Want some new shoes? Give him some. Dead in the wrong and too prideful to apologize? Give him some. Purchased something that was totally out of the family budget? Give him some.
Another Myles Munroe video worth checking out is "Men Don't Want Sex, They NEED Sex". I'm referencing that video simply because it's my personal belief that men—especially men in long-term commitments—don't just need sex, but the physical affection and emotional connection that comes right along with it. Call it lame if you want to, but I've sat in countless sessions with husbands who are upset that their wife won't cuddle with them on the couch or who won't initiate sexual activity (not just or solely intercourse, either).
As women, we don't want to be objectified. Men? They don't want to feel that sex—or again, even just affection—has strings attached to it. Yeah, only women who have books of coochie coupons in their arsenal got offended when they read this part of the article. The rest of us are just…taking notes.
Reciprocity
C'mon true hip-hop heads. What's the name of the song that has these lines in it? "Tell me, who I have to be/To get some reciprocity/No one loves you more than me/And no one ever will." I don't think I've heard a song with the word "reciprocity" in it before or since Lauryn Hill sang this. And man, it has to be one of the biggest things that men and women need in a relationship and don't seem to get enough of.
I can't tell you how many times a man has told me that he needs to be affirmed, appreciated and felt like he is truly adored. Meanwhile, in his relationship, his woman thinks that these are the kinds of things that she should receive more than she gives.
The couples I know who are the healthiest and happiest are the couples who pour into their partner the very things that they want to receive from them. So, if you're in a relationship, do you and it a favor and ask your man if he feels that he's getting what he's giving. If he says "yes", pat yourself on the back. If he says "no" or nothing, try and remove your ego out of the way and figure out how to make some adjustments.
A huge key to a successful relationship is not giving someone what you want to give, but to really hone in on what they say they need. Amen? Amen.
Featured image by Getty Images
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our weekly newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Here's How To NOT Lose Yourself In A Relationship
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Can Transform Your Relationship
Relationship Goals: The Ten Commandments Of Courting
- 7 Things Experts Say Men Need In A Relationship – Maternity and ... ›
- What Men Want in a Relationship ›
- What Do Men Need From Women? 5 Insights | Psychology Today ›
- What Men Want in a Relationship | Laura Doyle ›
- 7 Things All Men Need In A Relationship - YouTube ›
- 9 Things Men Absolutely Need In A Relationship – BroBible ›
- 8 things men really really want in a relationship – The Angry ... ›
- 15 Things Men Want In Relationships (But Might Not Tell You) ›
- What Men Want In A Relationship: 13 Things All Men Need ›
- 7 Things All Men Need In A Relationship - Jordan Gray Consulting ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by arsenisspyros/Getty Images