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Here's How To NOT Lose Yourself In A Relationship

Dating

We've all got that one girlfriend. The one who is the best friend ever when she's single, but once she gets caught up in some guy, suddenly 85 percent of our calls get pushed to voicemail, she's canceling dates at the last minute and when you do actually get around to catching up with her, she can't go three minutes without bringing her man up…again.


Then we've got those other friends. The ones who, when we find ourselves venting about our girlfriend, they chalk it up to us hatin' or wishing that we had what she did. Deep down, we know that's not the case. We're happy that our girl found love. What we don't like is the fact that it seems like every time that she does, it's at the expense of losing herself in the process. It's as if she has no real reason for living her best life if she doesn't have some dude in her life.

If you can totally relate to where I'm coming from, there are two things you should do. First, lead by example. Meaning, make sure that you're not the kind of person who is prone to doing what your friend does. You can do this by skimming this article, just to see if any of the points hit home. Secondly, forward this on to your girl. Sometimes, when we're all Anita Baker-ish (you know, "Caught Up in the Rapture" of love), we don't realize what we're doing to ourselves until someone who loves us tell us.

Show your girl some love today by bringing these points to her attention. Pronto.

5 Ways To Avoid Losing Yourself In A Relationship

1. Get into a Relationship for the Right Reasons (and Motives)

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Sometimes, I'll have my television on as background noise as I write. Recently, an episode of Living Single came on. The one when Regine was dating a married man and didn't know it. When she finally found out, she stuck around a bit longer than she should have; however, when the situation ultimately blew up in her face, one of her girls (the character escapes me at the moment) said, "You keep looking for a man to carry you" to which Regine asked, "What's wrong with that?" to which Khadijah quipped, "They keep droppin' your ass."

The fact that Regine asked what was wrong with looking for a man to carry her sheds a lot of light into why 1) she probably overlooked signs that dude was married in the first place and 2) she decided to stay with him after she found out.

See where I'm going with this? If you're getting into a relationship because of what you're hoping some man can do for you and not because he will simply add to your life that is already pretty dope, you could find yourself losing yourself—whether it's your standards, your morals, your integrity, your needs…it kinda runs the gamut.

2. Remember a Good Man Loves a Woman's Sense of Identity and Independence

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While binge-watching a web series called The Marriage Tour, there's an episode when one of the main characters is trying to get rid of all of his chicks so that he can commit to one woman; one of the gals' names was Tiffany. She was attractive. She could cook her tail off. And she was sooooo accommodating that she came off like a crazy psycho. Example—when she ran (literally) to warm up a plate of food that he didn't even say was cold, ole' boy looked into the camera and said, "OK. It's good to cater to your man but damn. No need to buy the cow, when she gives me all of the milk I want for free. Don't make me work for it or nothin'? She even pulls the tit out for me sometimes." (That's hilarious and sad—simultaneously.)

Keep in mind, this isn't the woman he kept around; it's the woman he left behind. It's a great reminder that a healthy man doesn't want to come into a woman's life and become it; he simply wants to add to what she's already got going on. A healthy man is really drawn to someone whose life is SO BIG and world is SO FULL that he feels honored that she would decide to "fit him in."

The cool thing about this kind of woman is, if he leaves, while it might sting a little, she's got too much going for herself for the lack of his presence to stop any show.

3. Do Some Things Totally Apart from Your Guy

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Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for me to talk to single women who have a list of things that they want to do with their life. Unfortunately, they are intentionally putting those things on hold until they get into a relationship.

I want to go to Cape Town…maybe I'll do it for my honeymoon. I would love to talk a salsa class…once I get a dance partner. Wine tasting sounds fun…for a first date.

The problem with having this kind of mentality is—actually, there are two issues. One, tomorrow is not promised and yet you're choosing to put your life on hold as if it is. And two, you're conditioning yourself to think that you can't/shouldn't do certain things without a man being in your life. Then, as a result of feeling this way, once "he" does come along, you end up overwhelming him with all of these plans—things he may or may not want to do (or has already done because he didn't need a woman to do them).

Moral to the story is this—if you're already used to doing things BY YOURSELF or with your girls, then you'll still be used to living that way once a man comes along. Not only will that keep you from becoming the clingy chick, but it will also give him the opportunity to suggest some of his own quality time ideas.

It will also help you to love in a way that the Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh once said, "Love in such a way that the person you love feels free." For someone to feel free, they need their space.

4. Make Him A Priority Not THE Priority

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There's something about Judge Lynn Toler's delivery that makes her constantly sound like her pearls of wisdom are totally off of the cuff. Take the time I heard her say, "A man is not a plan; he's a perk." BAM!

If you've read even a couple of my articles on relationships, you know that I am a HUGE fan of them—when they are right, healthy and full of purpose. I also adore men; especially Black men. Whether we as women are in romantic relationships with men or not, they are important to have in our lives.

With that disclaimer on the table, yes, I totally get where the judge is coming from. If all we have on our bucket list is get married (and possibly have kids), that makes having a man the only real plan we've got—and that is all kinds of unhealthy. Toxic even.

When you make a man your ultimate plan, he becomes the only real priority. If you're not careful, that means he'll come before your needs. You could even mess around and turn him into your personal idol (not good). But when he's a perk, he's a great thing that happens in addition to so many others. As a result, he's a priority but he's certainly not the end all to be all. That's a good thing.

5. Embrace, Don't Force, the Seasons as They Come—and Go.

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Some of us get so consumed in our relationships, we give so much so soon that we automatically assume that it will last forever, even without any evidence of that being an actual fact. Then, because we got so caught up, once it does come to an end, we're utterly devastated because although we were taking good care of the man and the relationship, what we didn't maintain was ourselves.

One of the best ways to love someone else is by making sure you love yourself. That you make sure your needs are met, that you pamper yourself and that you do things that will remind you of your worth or value OUTSIDE of the relationship that you're in.

Relationships are oftentimes a lot like seasons. They come and they go. But the one thing that will always remain a constant is you. Love you best and you will never lose yourself…should your relationship with ole' boy somehow take a turn for the (so-called) worst.

Featured image by Getty Images.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

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