

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. If you want to know what a man is really thinking, while your girlfriends—well, at least some of your girlfriends—can offer up some insight, you're going to be far better off picking the brains of your dad, your brothers, or some of your male buddies. I can vouch for this because I can probably count on one hand, the times I went to a guy and then a girl for advice on the same issue and they both had the same perspective on it. Men and women are different. God made them that way. Simple as that.
That's why, when it comes to topics like how men approach marriage, emotional connections, and sex, I think it's much wiser—enlightening too—to ask them directly than to be presuming or guessing with those of the female persuasion. When I asked several Black men about what turns them on, while the answers didn't surprise me much, some of the explanations behind them were interesting.
Sidenote: The actual turn-ons are direct quotes, but because there were a lot of "streams of consciousness" going on during the interviews, I decided to simply summarize their explanations so that you can get the overall gist. I hope that's cool with you.
So fellas, what turns you on about women? Whoops, let me specify—about Black women?
Here's What Turns Men On
“A woman who has a signature scent.”—Andre’, 32
Okay. So according to Andre', a lot of women smell too much like, well, other women. "I think the scent that you wear is a lot like the style that you choose and real style doesn't pay attention to what's in or out. Ladies with style are interested in what works for them." He has a good point there. He also told me that he's into essential oil blends instead of perfumes. And a woman who puts her signature scent in her hair can get just about anything she wants from him. Good to know, Andre'.
“Someone who is comfortable without make-up—at home and in public.”—Isaac, 27
I'm a woman and still, I find it interesting when some women get offended when a man says he's not a fan of make-up or extensions. I mean, if it's true that ladies are "doing it for themselves" and not for a guy's attention, applause or approval, why should it matter what men think…right? Anyway, what Isaac broke down to me is, as cliché as it might be, he agrees with Drake (in his "Best I Ever Had" song) when he said, "Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin' with no make-up on. That's when you're the prettiest, I hope that you don't take it wrong."
"A woman who knows how to, what do the ladies say, 'beat' their face is an art form, no doubt. But it's not the most convenient for us. Make-up gets everywhere and their lips have residue on them. I dunno. I think a woman who can go out with nothing but lip gloss…there's something about her level of self-confidence that is super sexy to me."
“Manicured feet, soft hands and a sexy pair of shoes.”—Bryant, 40
When Bryant told me what his top turn-on was, I smiled because it took me back to one of my male besties when I was in college. I had never seen a foot fetish quite like it; he even told her that he'd prefer pretty feet over a beautiful face or a bangin' body (for real?!). When I shared this with Bryant, he nodded in agreement. When I asked him to explain WTH that was all about he said, "Do you know how much a woman loves herself if she makes sure to pamper her feet?" And the shoe thing? "Guys love sneakers. I think we just appreciate a woman who's as knowledgeable about shoes as we are."
The hands thing, I got. Ash is the worst. No expounding needed on that.
“Great conversation and a wonderful sense of humor.”—Keith, 25
Talking to Keith about his turn-ons was not surprising in the least, but it was fascinating. Not the sense of humor part because I believe most of us want that. No, it's what he said about conversing with a woman that especially caught my attention. "A woman who listens is amazing. I know a lot of women think that they listen, but they really don't. Their body language and the fact that a lot of them repeat back what they heard in their mind and not what actually came out of my mouth is frustrating. But a good conversation is about more than that. I love great timing, quick wit, and the ability to walk away and know that I learned something new or I can appreciate a different perspective. A great conversation that has a lot of laughter is the greatest aphrodisiac around."
“A woman who knows a little bit about everything.”—Justin, 36
When Justin told me that a knowledgeable woman was a turn-on for him, I didn't really look for him to expound much. It is for me as well, so I totally got where he was coming from. "It's just so hot when you can mention everything from an 80s rap group to a Scripture in the Bible to what's happening in politics and the woman across from you is not sitting with a blank stare on her face," Justin said. Then he paused and went on. "I think that's why Jacqueline had Marcus so messed up. She was fine, she was a business exec and she could enjoy a basketball game and a beer. That's my dream woman right there."
(In case you're wondering, that was a Boomerang [the movie, not the series] reference.)
“Stretch marks and an overbite.”—Lucas, 35
Lucas is a man of action more than words. So, when I asked him what was up with what drew him to a woman, he said, "Grown women have stretch marks and grown women are what turn me on." (shout out to my birthday twin Kendrick Lamar who basically said the same thing in his song "Humble".) And the overbite? "How X-rated can I get in this interview? Let's just say that an overbite is fellatio's very best friend." Yep. Moving on.
“Surprise piercings and tats.”—Marcus, 29
Talking to Marcus about his turn-ons was cool; not just because I have 10 piercings (eight of 'em are in my ears) and three tats myself, but because I have a friend who said a woman with tats is a total deal breaker for him (yes, out of his own mouth, he said that he would break up with a woman if he found out that she had one). Why is Marcus the total opposite? "Tattoos are stories to me. I'm intrigued when a woman is willing to tell a story on her body; especially if it's a…private tale." (You nasty, Marcus.)
As far as the piercings go, Marcus pleasantly surprised me when he was able to tell me that I had a tragus, along with the names of other types of piercings. "I love a woman of mystery and so, it's so sexy to me when a woman appears super-conservative and then, when you spend your first night with her, she has a nipple or clit piercing. Man."
“I like a woman who enjoys sex more than she’s simply ‘good at it’.”—Damon, 43
Recently, I penned a piece about how grown women approach sex. One of the things I shared is that grown women would rather have "B" (good) sex all of the time than A+ (totally off of the charts) sex every once in a while. When I shared this with Damon, he shook his head in total agreement. "I've been with women who made my toes curl, but their libido was on life support. A woman who lost her virginity late in life and has only had two partners but is enthusiastic about gettin' it in is way more appealing than a woman who's been told she's the best by all of her partners but only wants to have sex once a month." Damon, swap out woman for man in my case and I couldn't agree with you more.
“A woman who needs me without being needy.”—Timothy, 42
A little while back, I wrote an article for the site entitled "Are You In Love Or Are You In Need?" It gets into what it means to be needy in a relationship. Even as a woman, I totally get how that can be a total turn-off. When I asked Timothy to expound on the point, he said, "You can tell when a woman is looking for someone to make her feel good about herself vs. a woman who enjoys a man's presence in her life even though she doesn't really need him to be in it." I looked to him for more clarity, so he elaborated. "I'm not saying I don't want to be needed but I think that should come once a relationship has been established. Not after a date or two." Agreed. (That goes both ways too.)
“Someone who doesn’t try to be sexy. She just is.”—Xavier, 39
"No diss to the IG models out here in the world, but they do nothing for me. It's like overkill. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin, that's sexy to me. She's got her own views, her own style and she's drippin' with femininity—I will eat that up. Literally." Whew Xavier, tell us how you really feel.
"I don't think a lot of women realize that once a man gets to a certain stage in his life, T&A is icing on the cake. A big brain, tons of self-confidence, and a sexy walk will keep us more than a big booty and a smile will. A woman who carries herself like she knows all of this is the epitome of sexy to me." Indeed, Xavier. Indeed.
What's a trip about this is some folks are gonna read it and critique the responses. It's human nature. But my takeaway is if I want to know what turns someone on, I need to ask them and then accept it. It's not about what I think it should be; it's about what they tell me it is. By asking rather than assuming, I just might be surprised by what I hear—in the most pleasant way possible. Just as I was with these 10 Black men.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
Courtesy
So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
Courtesy
What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Remember When Brandy Said 'Almost Doesn't Count'? Here's What That Means.
Listen, although I pride myself in knowing quite a bit of random information (I get it from my Daddy), if there is one thing that I really don’t play about (and could easily win a ton of money as a contestant in a trivia game), it’s 90s R&B. And when it comes to that topic, if there are three women who I will forever stand 10 toes down on when it comes to them having some of the best vocal arrangements ever, it’s Faith Evans (a fellow Gemini), Missy Elliott and Brandy. Don’t play…don’t ever freakin’ play about them.
When it comes to Brandy, specifically, there is a song title that I find myself saying in some of my sessions, far more often than I ever thought I would — almost doesn’t count.
Chile, that song is so brilliantly written that I once shouted it out in a podcast that I did with a dear friend of mine a few years back (you can check it out here if you want to): “I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door/I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure/Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more/Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for.”
Won’t it preach? “Almost” when it comes to romantic dynamics? It’ll have you out here feeling like you’re in some straight-up purgatory because, when you’re not really sure where things stand with someone and/or things feel like a perpetual game of hot-and-cold, you never really know what you should do — and that can have you in a very uncomfortable mental limbo or feeling like you’re in some emotional version of the throwback game Twister.
Today, though, we’re going to discuss “almost doesn’t count” from a broader perspective. I want to explore what happens when you’re in ANY DYNAMIC where it feels like you’re in a state of almost — and what you should do about it if that is indeed the case.
I’ve added Brandy’s jam for you at the top of all of this. Feel free to play it as your background music as we finally figure out what to do with the “almost ish” that is (currently) in your life.
Almost. Revisited.
Y’all, I am so sick of people allowing social media to redefine words.
For instance, just because something didn’t work out with a guy, that doesn’t automatically make him a narcissist (check out “You Could Be Turning Into A Narcissist...And You Don't Even Know It,” “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?” and “3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist”) and just because someone doesn’t “gel” with you, that doesn’t mean that they are toxic (check out “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life” and “7 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship...With Yourself”) — and while we’re here, just because you hear the same online opinion dozens of times a day, that doesn’t make it a fact. Google is our friend. Open up browsers to fact-check things. It’s a wise move and well worth your time.
Okay, so in order to build the foundation of this piece, let’s look at what almost means (even though I’m sure that you basically know):
Almost: very nearly; all but
Synonyms: approximately, essentially, most, relatively, practically, virtually, about
It is a very wise man who once said that “The worst lies are 99 percent true” — and that is what’s so wild about almost: It can be so close to being something that you will think that it is that thing…when it actually…isn’t. You can literally have close to 99 percent of everything that you needed, wanted or required and that missing one percent can still totally jack you up out here.
A good example? A condom. If you go to pretty much any health-related website, it will say something along the lines that — eh hem — when used perfectly, condoms are somewhere around 98 percent effective. And yet, while I do tend to roll my eyes whenever folks (in general) end up pregnant and shocked, all the while claiming to have used them (because I also know that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms and even they don’t consistently), I am aware that there are some people who are being completely honest: they used them, each and every time, correctly, and still…a positive pregnancy test result. And that’s because condoms are ALMOST totally reliable. Not totally, though.
Or a white lie. Oh, those are the “best” and most damning ones because they have so much truth to them that the deceptive part is super subtle. Hmph. It makes me think of a rather young South Korean artist (in her 20s) by the name of Dahyun. She once said, “When you love someone, or when someone is special to you, there are situations where little white lies are necessary.” Yeah, that makes me think of a quote by an author named T.J. Klune; he once said, “I lied to you because I thought it’d be easier for you, but I was really just trying to make it easier for me” — and he’s exactly right.
One of the greatest lies anyone can tell is that they are lying to protect or help another individual. More times than not, it’s a form of cowardice, because people don’t want to deal with the accountability (or even possible fallout) from telling the truth. Proof of this is a white lie: enough truth to cleverly hide the deceptive or omitted part(s).
Yeah, that’s what can trip you up about being involved in things that are “almost” what you are looking for or expecting: they can be so close to being on the mark that you let your guard down to the point where they can actually end up catching you off guard in some pretty profound ways.
The Difference Between ALMOST and POTENTIAL
Before we go even deeper, I do think that it’s important to explain the difference between almost and potential because, although they might seem like the same thing, they actually aren’t.
Say that you are working at a company where there is plenty of room for growth and promotion; that is potential. Potential is about possibility and capability. Sure, it may not have happened yet; however, you see plenty of signs that it really could. Okay, but after working there for two years and running circles around many of your co-workers with your performance, you keep getting passed over for other positions — and that is when almost comes into play.
What has you trying so hard is the POTENTIAL of what could be. What has you disappointed is things keep ALMOST happening — almost yet nothing more.
Let’s do relationships. Personally, I think it is hella arrogant and a bit delusional to say, “I don’t date for potential.” Umm, everyone out here is potential-in-progress, so are you saying that you want people to grant enough patience to allow you to keep evolving and transforming when you won’t extend the same grace their way? Gimme a break. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone’s potential and wanting to have a front seat in their life in order to encourage and support it. The issue comes in when they keep “almost” getting there without ever actually hitting their goals — and the reason why that’s problematic is…what is keeping you stuck at “almost”?
Example. Say that you’ve been exclusively dating someone for 15 months. You get along well, your family members and friends like you together and you seem to have similar life values and ambitions. Thing is, you want to get married within the year and he says that he wants to have a certain amount of money saved up before jumping the broom. The POTENTIAL of you becoming his wife is if you notice that he really is stacking paper. You ALMOST marrying him is when you factor in all of the other stuff that I said and yet his money is still funny (because he’s misspending, not saving or he’s simply not prioritizing like he said that he would).
Do you see the difference between what potential and almost look like and why “almost” can be so much more mentally draining and emotionally dangerous? “Almost” can — and oftentimes will — have you wasting precious time because it can deceive you with a feeling of “someday.” And that’s because things are so close to becoming a reality and yet, they never end up coming into full fruition.
And that, my friend, is why Brandy’s song is right on the money — at the end of the day, “almost doesn’t count” because, if you keep experiencing “most” or “practically” or “very nearly” of something or even someone and yet what is required for that something to actually become all of what you desire never manifests…what that ultimately boils down to is it — whatever “it” is — is really not much of anything at all.
It’s basically like what a playwright by the name of Nikita Gill once penned: “The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word 'almost'. He was almost in love. She was almost good for him. He almost stopped her. She almost waited. He almost lived. They almost made it.” It’s like…if it almost happened yet didn’t…why does the almost really even matter (much)?
At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, other than (hopefully) the lessons learned…it…doesn’t.
Someone Who “Almosts” You? That Is a Conscious Decision.
And here’s the wild thing about the person who “almosts” you — nine times out of 10, they know exactly what they are doing. The boss who almost promotes you and yet doesn’t…over and over again? You think they don’t have a self-serving strategy (or is it stratagem?) in that? The boyfriend who almost proposes (tells you that he wants to marry you while months to years later, he doesn’t do anything to prove that) and yet never does? You think he’s not aware of what’s going on? Oh, take it from me — the “almost folks” like being that way.
Why? I mean, think about it: If you are giving someone just enough for you to get what you need out of them without giving them all of what they want in the process, why not keep them in the cycle of “almost”? Let’s circle back to Brandy’s chorus to further illustrate the point:
I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for
Look at what she was doing: she kept on trying while he kept on hesitating. And what this basically means is she was mistaking almost for potential. And you know what? He was letting her because he was benefitting from all of her trying and, although she was getting something in return (maybe even 99 percent of what she was looking for), his hesitation was causing her to see that something isn’t everything…and everything is what she deserved — and still, he chose not to do that.
HE CHOSE NOT TO DO THAT. He chose to remain in the relational purgatory of “almost” because he didn’t want to be “all in.” He was right where he wanted to be and if that kept her uncomfortable…so be it.
See how ugly, self-serving and manipulative “almost” can be?
Do you see why we need to stop romanticizing it because it really shouldn’t count?
What Should the Shelf Life of Almost Be?
So, final question with this: When it comes to the “almost” areas of your life, how long should you allow them to last? Honestly, I think the answer to that lies in the definitions of the word “almost.” You see, the reason why most of us even notice that we have an “almost situation” going on is because there is a need (sometimes a want) that is going unmet to the point where we aren’t satisfied. And since one definition of almost is “all but” — what is the ALL and then what is the BUT?
Once you figure that out, it’s time to address the “but” part with the individual who isn’t providing it — and honestly, not just their response (words) but their reaction (actions) will let you know what the shelf life of the almost needs to be.
Case in point: When it comes to some of the couples who I work with, sometimes one of the partners goes through a significant change and they want their spouse to quickly adapt to that fact. Usually, the change within wasn’t instantaneous, and so, I share that it’s unfair to expect that to happen immediately; usually, a fair amount of time should be allotted. The relationship is ALL good in every area BUT where the evolution is transpiring. If the spouse’s response is, “Give me a minute to get used to this new you,” the partner should. The spouse is almost where they can accept matters. They just need a bit more time for the almost to turn into “I’m good now.”
However…say that you have a friend who you like and enjoy just about everything about them. The challenge is the fact that they want you to be on-call for their issues and gripes and yet, whenever you need them to do the same thing for you, they are more unavailable than not. Not only that but, whenever you bring it up, although they acknowledge your point, time and time again, nothing ever changes; you still pick up their calls at 11 p.m. while you are still leaving voicemails when you reach out their way. If that is indeed the case, that makes me think of an Instagram post that I recently watched that is underneath this last point. In it, the content creator says, “It’s so important to know where people go. Your feelings will be less hurt.”
And along these same lines, it’s important to know an “almost” when you see it. Isn’t it interesting that one definition of almost is “all but” and to that, I think most of us have heard that whenever you use “but” in a sentence, it negates pretty much everything that you said before it. Chile, if someone is doing all BUT and the BUT is a really big deal to you…does the “all” really “scratch your itches” like you need them to? And again, if they are refusing the “but” (and the “but” is realistic, by the way), isn’t that saying a lot about how they see you and y’all’s dynamic? I would certainly think so.
So, how long should the shelf life of an almost be? Long enough to articulate your needs, for the person to hear them, and then make adjustments. If no adjustments are made…almost is probably where things are going to remain — what you choose to do about that is on YOU not THEM. How long you take speaks to how much you value…yourself.
All this from the word “almost”? Yep. You can thank Brandy for that. LOL.
You deserve to get and have what you need. If you’re almost getting it, remember what Brandy said: When it’s all said and done, sis…almost doesn’t count.
A white lie will tell you it does.
The truth has just revealed — otherwise.
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