So, there's this guy I went to college with who had the biggest foot fetish I've ever personally known of, to date. He stared at feet. He constantly critiqued feet. And when he spoke of them, he described feet with the same type of lust and affinity that other guys talk about our T&A. I truly had never seen anything like it. To take things over the top, his favorite kind of feet were pedicured ones that—wait for it—were sweaty (What. In. The. World?!). Yeah, I feel like a lot of you are staring at your monitor (or cell phone) and thinking to yourself, "I already know this is some white dude." But nope. He was very much so Black. A proud Nupe who was very active in Black organizations on the yard, in fact. As a wise person once said, "There are all kinds of ways to be Black."
Anyway, I'm not sure why I didn't inquire more about his borderline obsession with feet at the time. It's not that I have a natural aversion to them or anything. It's just that, other than when it's time to get a pedicure of my own, I don't really give feet much thought. Plus, it wasn't until I worked with a porn ministry and learned more about all of the fetishes that are out here in the world (if you're curious about what the current most common ones are, click here) that I ever got why people have fetishes in the first place. While some folks have them due to being on the spectrum of some sort of mental illness or their fetish is PTSD-related to some form of trauma, others dabble in fetishism as a coping mechanism (for instance, as a way to deal with stress).
Still, there are those who simply have a very strong preference for things that might seem "odd" when it comes to what sexually arouses them. Believe it or not, one of the most popular "arousals" is feet. Here's why.
So, What’s the Foot Fetish Thing All About, Anyway?
Let's begin with what a foot fetish is (the technical term is podophilia, by the way) by definition. It's when someone is sexually interested in feet. It can be the entire foot or a part of it like the ankles or toes. While some people are drawn to feet in their completely natural state, others' interest are piqued when a person's toes are polished or they notice someone who has a toe ring or ankle bracelet on. Then there are those who can literally get off while massaging a person's feet or even licking or sucking on them.
As far as how common foot fetishes are, it's kind of hard to tell. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, once said in an interview for Men's Health, that 14 percent of the 4,000 individuals he surveyed claimed to have one. Another study that featured approximately 5,000 people revealed that almost half of the individuals who were asked about their "favorite fetish" had feet on the top of the list. So clearly, even if it's not spoken about openly or regularly, foot fetishes are pretty common out in these streets.
And just what is the fascination with feet, especially in a sexual sense? Those reasons run the gamut too. Some therapists say that it pulls in a submission aspect to sex. Because a lot of people find feet to literally be "below them", when the person with the fetish is able to subdue their partner in some way via feet play, it makes them feel more dominant and powerful. From a medical perspective, because there are well over 7,000 nerve endings in each of our feet, incorporating feet into sexual activity can potentially intensify orgasms (although, there are also studies that say it's easier to have orgasms with socks on so…there's that). Still, another theory is, because feet are covered up a lot of the time, those who have a foot fetish feel as if they are closer to their partner when both individuals have their feet exposed in each other's presence. Then there are the folks who don't have a clue why they like feet as much as they do.
Back in my sexually active days, I was definitely down for giving foot rubs. A few men did do some pretty impressive toe-sucking too (shout out to Aquariuses and my fellow Geminis on that one). But again, if feet never came into play in the bedroom, I definitely wouldn't have lost any sleep—or orgasms—over it. But after reading another fascinating reason why some people have this kind of fetish, I might just consider bringing more foot action into the equation, whenever I decide to hop back on the, umm, horse.
Have You Ever Had a Footgasm Before?
Out of all the reasons why people would be into feet, there is really only one that has me sold. It wasn't until several months ago that I was even aware that something like what I'm about to share even existed too. Have you ever heard of a footgasm before? It's literally when your feet are stimulated to the point where you climax. From what I've read, it's rarer than most other kinds of orgasms, but if you want to try to have one, this is what you do:
Have your partner put some warm massage oil in their hands. Then they should take one of your feet and, with the oil on their fingertips, they should gently-yet-deeply massage the soft part of your skin that is right beneath your toes and right above the arch of your foot. As they rub that area, it will not only help to relax your body, but it will send signals to your brain that will stimulate your genital region.
If they do this for about 10 minutes or so, while you might not experience a full-blown orgasm, what you do stand a great chance of is becoming so aroused that when you do have sex, your orgasms will be more intense and last longer. Feet are a reigning sexual pressure point, after all.
To me, what all of this boils down to is if you've got a foot fetish, it's nothing to be bashful about. It is quite evident that you are among friends. Oh, and if you're seeing someone who has one, try and keep an open mind. For those of us who aren't into feet in this way, it might seem a little odd, but if you can get a foot massage or possibly even an orgasm out of it, heck girl…why not?
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- Foot Fetish: How Common Is It? What Causes It? An Expert Explains. ›
- Why Some People Are Turned on By Feet - VICE ›
- What Is a Foot Fetish? We Asked Experts to Explain | Health.com ›
- Everything You Want to Know About Foot Fetishes, Explained | Allure ›
- Foot Fetishes: 8 FAQs About Why It Happens, Ways to Play, More ›
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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