Working For A Porn Ministry Got Me Over Watching Porn
Whenever I tell people that I used to work for a porn ministry, X3Church, usually all they hear is the "porn" part. Understandably, it throws them. I mean, what do you say to someone who nonchalantly says they work in porn? But then when I repeat the word "ministry", it still doesn't clear things up. Actually, even more confusion comes across their face. So, what the heck is a porn ministry?!
Good question.
Long story short, right around the time my first book was released, I connected with another author who had the same publisher. When I went to his site explaining the purpose of his ministry, I realized there was no Black or female representation.
Black people watch porn. Women do too.
I fit both demographics and so, for nine years, I wrote a weekly blog, penned a book, and went on tour with the ministry. And just what is a porn ministry? Ministry means service. It was a group of people who went to porn shows and strip clubs, spoke at colleges and churches, connected with people in the porn industry (Ron Jeremy actually used to go on tour with the organization), and did all kinds of other things to 1) teach about the destructiveness of porn and 2) show people that God loves them no matter what (one of my favorite shirts of theirs was "Jesus Loves Porn Stars").
Listen, I know that porn is popular but make no mistakes about it; it has a destructive side. There are PLENTY of studies to support that porn affects our brains much like a hardcore drug would and there are plenty of stories about how porn damages marriages and relationships (something Terry Crews and Kirk Franklin have been pretty open about) especially when it comes to effecting emotional intimacy and providing unrealistic expectations in the bedroom.
But there's another side of porn that I want to share; one that I'm not sure a lot of people really think about.
How I Got "Hooked" on Porn
I'm about to tell my age but here we go. My first memory of pornography was watching an episode of Red Shoe Diaries as a kid. I snuck and watched it while everyone was asleep one weekend.
After that, my next memory was watching some videos at a "play cousin's house" (he was such a freak—SMH—LOL). But it didn't really become something that I was "into" until one of my college sex buddies took me to his friend's apartment. When we walked into the bedroom that we planned on having sex in for the first time, some hardcore porn was already playing on the television. I was both disgusted and intrigued.
To me, porn is a lot like roadkill. There's something shocking about seeing a dead possum on the side of the road and there's something shocking about seeing two people gettin' it in. It's scary and sexy and confusing and erotic and weird—all rolled up into one (kind of like how sex is with a new partner).
Hmph. Now that I think about it, porn became such a part of the sex I had with that individual that I think it was hard for me to separate the two experiences once we were done. What I mean by that is, porn had become so ingrained into my sex life that I didn't know how to "break it out" just because that guy and I "broke up". And so, off and on, porn stayed with me throughout the years until I ultimately decided to take a break from all things sex back in 2007.
Not to say that I didn't go on a few "porn vacations" (abstinence is hard, chile!) from time to time. Yeah, I must admit that even with all of the data I saw and people I talked to (one of the guys who worked in the ministry actually killed himself due to the shame of his porn addiction), I still didn't see porn as being "all that bad".
That is until I met someone at one of our anniversary parties.
What Got Me Past Porn
While on a shuttle to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of the organization, I sat next to a woman who looked really familiar to me. For most of the ride, I couldn't place it. But what I do remember is she was super shy—and jittery. Almost to the point of being paranoid.
When I tried to make light conversation, she wouldn't make eye contact and when I asked her what her name was, she didn't answer. Still, I felt like I knew her personally.
Later, I found out she was the featured speaker for the party. As I listened to her share how she used to be in the porn industry and how it ultimately ruined her body, destroyed her self-esteem, and made it very hard for her to live a "normal" life, it hit me. I recognized her because she was one of the porn actors (I'm not big on calling them "stars" and believe me, the scenes are usually sooooo fake that it's basically acting anyway) that I used to masturbate to.
And that hit me like a ton of bricks. The very same person I was using for my own sexual release is the woman who hates her life, contemplated suicide, and was so wounded that if you merely bumped into her, she was rattled.
Here I was: A woman, using another woman.
I was playing a direct role in what ultimately chiseled away at her health and well-being. She was my entertainment. And it was destroying her. That was enough to make my stomach turn and to not look at porn quite the same way ever again. The people on those scenes are real human beings with real (oftentimes crazy) background stories, and that's hard for me to take lightly.
Yeah, I know that porn is a multi-billion-dollar industry, so it's not going away anytime soon but I do hope that my own experience with a porn actor will at least provide another perspective.
Working in a porn ministry and interacting with a porn actor is what got me over watching porn.
It's as simple—and complex—as that.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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