Let me start by saying: hear me out! Read until the end because I know some of you may be reeling off the headline alone. "Sex-positive, who?" — that's what you're shouting to your computer screen and that's what you're gearing up to type in the comments section. But sex-positive and healthy guidelines don't equate to sexualizing your child. Shame, however, does.
Raising sex-positive children will help your child navigate a lifetime of sexual situations, from closing the orgasm gap to receiving and comfortably giving consent. Raising a sex-positive child rather than simply chanting "no means no" as a crash course on sexual assault actually helps them conceptualize what that "no" may look like. It creates awareness so that they create and respect boundaries. In fact, for each developmental stage, there is a sex-positive lesson to be learned by children.
Children have their first lessons in being sexualized via parents' shame.
When we tell them they can't walk around the house in certain clothes or pop their little hands for masturbating (because, yes, it begins well before puberty) — despite the fact that young toddlers and children don't view it as sexual, they simply know it feels good and they feel happy. Hell, consent starts with things as small as not tickling your child after they've asked you to stop (regardless of the laughter that may be present). While we may think it doesn't matter, all of that messaging remains with us and can mystify our view of our bodies, our sexuality, and our sex life in adulthood. And the entire experience begins right at home.
Though it may not be easy, it is worth it. So I asked 7 experts for some simple but extremely helpful ways for parents to raise sex-positive children and here's what they had to say.
1. Affirm pleasure and honor consent.
Rejected Break Up GIF by grown-ishGiphy"My first tip would be for parents to affirm pleasure and honor consent. Children are walking erogenous zones; they have a developmental imperative to experience happiness and joy, and to be supported in that through loving boundary-setting. They also have the right to say 'yes' or 'no' to an experience they do or do not want. If they don't want to be touched in that moment, affirm their capacity to know what feels right or wrong to them in any given moment.
"My final tip would be to heal anything that would keep you from showing up fully for your child's sexual development. Whether it's previous abuse, misuse, racial stereotyping, and/or sexual negative or erotophobic messaging, do the work to heal the effects of that on you so you don't project that into them." - Dr. Tracie Gilbert, founder of Thembi Anaiya LLC
2. Normalize body parts as early as possible.
"Start to normalize body parts including genitals and their function as early as possible. My book does this: These are My Eyes, This is My Nose, This is My Vulva, These are My Toes. Also, this normalization includes having firm discussions with family members and educational institutions so that you and your child are not flagged as 'endangerment' and so that language is not 'corrected' in other places.
"Children as young as one can say and identify a vulva, penis, and anus at least and can learn how to clean them, their functions, and grow to understand about urethra and clitoris as well. Further, it helps in preventing grooming behaviors with minor-attracted people and those who seek out to use sexual power over children." - Dr. Lexx Brown-James
3. Know the difference between being a sexual being and being sexually active.
"As a Christian Sexologist, I recognize that sex positivity is often a conversation that people of faith are left out of. Being a sex-positive parent and a Christian sometimes feels oxymoronic. I teach comprehensive sex education to youth and caregivers as well as offer intimacy coaching to help believers reconcile their faith with their beliefs about sexuality. When doing so, I help the people I work with to see how comprehensive sex education is actually honoring God more than many of the pervasive shameful teachings about sexuality and our bodies.
"God and the Bible are inherently sex-positive even if the values system includes certain timeline regulations."
"As well, in a practical sense with many believers opting for abstinence, I speak with them about the vital difference between being a sexual being and being sexually active, as well (for caregivers) how studies show youth who receive comprehensive sex education are more likely to delay sexual initiation. And most importantly are better equipped to make sound, safer decisions. I also find that many caregivers didn't receive sound sexuality education themselves which can hinder their efforts with their young people. My e-guide Understanding Intimacy, helps adults who believe in Jesus come to understand God's heart for intimacy, sexuality, and relationships." - Brittany Broaddus-Smith, LSW, MEd
4. Be the giver of all info when it comes to sex and sexuality.
investigating basketball wives GIF by VH1Giphy"My main tip is: there is no such thing as a 'sex talk', we are having a 'whole life talk'. And this is an ongoing conversation. Use opportunities as they arise to learn what your kids know and think. Challenge them to think on a broader scale as necessary. But remind them and yourself, that their body belongs to them and they get to make decisions. Be the giver of all info, or encourager of research, and give them opportunities to choose and make good decisions for themselves. It will extend itself to sex and sexuality if you let it. Just keep the door open." - Dr. Donna Oriowo
5. Teach sexual education and/or abstinence without shame.
"If you are going to teach sexual education/abstinence, do so without shame. Children should not be learning to be ashamed of themselves and what physical urges they are or will experience. Helping your child celebrate the changes that occur during puberty (i.e. period party) is a great way to normalize the physical and emotional changes they are occurring. Take this opportunity to teach your child about healthy and unhealthy practices, as well as the risks and benefits that come with each choice. It's OK if the child feels uncomfortable during the conversation. Keep them emotionally safe by validating their feelings." - Beverly Andre, LMFT
6. Create a culture that encourages the exploration of the child’s curiosities.
"The first place to start is increasing awareness around one's parenting style. Parents that are authoritarian in nature take on the 'children are to be seen and not heard...my house, my rules' approach to parenting. Parents with an authoritative parenting style are more inclined to partner healthy boundaries and standards in the home while being willing to explain and even incorporate children in decision-making. This helps create a culture in the home that encourages the child to explore topics out of curiosity rather than practicing avoidance and minimizing how they're experiencing the world.
"Parents can also consider taking them to age-appropriate local events like the Vagina Monologues or Walk a Mile in Her Shoes so that they can be exposed to sex-positive community gatherings. In addition, parents can even start on a smaller scale by promoting sex-positive language, challenging victim-blaming that may come up in the media, and shedding light on the history of marginalized populations like trans persons and sex workers. Practicing the usage of the appropriate pronouns can help as well." - Sierra Hillsman, M.Ed., APC, NCC, CCTP
7. Emphasize pleasure as much as you can and normalize alternative lifestyles.
"Put an emphasis on pleasure as much as you can, including self-love. Self-love and self-pleasure is a huge part of this process that is often neglected due to discomfort on both the caretaker's and the kid's parts. If you find yourself a bit uncomfortable discussing the benefits of masturbation, then you may need to explore your own ideas on masturbation before starting up this talk with your kids. You don't need to give details on how it's done, but at least let them know it's totally natural, totally OK and best done in private since that's not something that everyone around them consented to being a part of."
"Linking love and sex is incredibly common but can lead to some confusion down the line as hormones kick in. The potential benefit of loving someone before you decide to have sex can be presented, but it shouldn't be portrayed as the only way to enjoy sex. You can also let them know that they can choose to wait until they are ready to have sex, which only they can really know for sure."
"Make efforts to normalize alternative relationship styles, gender expressions and sexualities. Back in the day, the only families you ever saw on TV were a husband and wife with their biological children. Nowadays, families are incredibly diverse and it can be very beneficial for children to see all kinds of different families including same-sex couples, open or poly relationships, families with adopted or foster children, blended families, and family members that are part of the LGBTQIA+ community." - Praia Westerband-Otero, Remote Sex and Relationship Therapist
Featured image by Shutterstock
- How To Have More Sex After Kids - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Is The Orgasm Gap? & How To Fix It - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 4 Easy Ways to Incorporate More Sex Positivity into Your Parenting ... ›
- Becoming Sex Positive in a Culture of Shame ›
- This Is What Sex-Positive Parenting Really Looks Like | HuffPost Life ›
- Sex-Positive Parenting: How and Why you Should Talk to Your Kids ... ›
- Six Ways to Raise Sex-Positive Kids ›
- 9 Ways To Be A Sex-Positive Parent Without Making Things Weird ... ›
- V-Spot: How Do I Raise a Sex-Positive Kid? ›
- 10 Ways to Raise Radically Sex-Positive Kids ›
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images
