When I close my eyes and tickle my lady parts, I try to envision my last sexual encounter:
As his hands are on my waist, and he thrusts into me with vigor, and then.. Oh, wait, he came right after that. Well, then I try and think of that one guy who did that thing with his tongue and… Whoops, it actually kind of hurt when he did that. Well, there was that dude from five years ago who gave me an orgasm like I've never had before, but he turned out to be a jerk, so...
And just like that, I no longer feel like masturbating and end up turning on some spicy and unrealistic porn to get the job done. My orgasm was achieved only through my viewing of raunchy paid sex between people that I have never and will never meet. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking my Pornhub lovers, but damn. When did masturabation get so impersonal?
Was it the fact that our smartphones can easily go incognito and uncover our kinkiest desires in private via the World Wide Web at the click of a button? Or was it the patriarchal ideology that a woman has to rush to orgasm? Somewhere along the line, self-pleasure went very, very wrong and it's time for a change.
My orgasms usually last a total of about three seconds and afterward, I'm left thinking about the man that I envisioned between my legs and the shell of a woman he left between the sheets. It wasn't until recently, when I started implementing masturbation into my self-care routine, that I reclaimed power of my orgasms and found that I am the master of my clitoris.
I began to use the intimate time I have alone as a healing process, where I give myself the right to demand optimum pleasure at no expense of time.
I take these moments to discover and understand the movements and gestures that make me crawl and moan, and own the fact that all of that pleasure came from myself. Not Kyle, who had so much potential but always came up short and rushed me to my finish line. Or Fred, who was one hell of a lover but a f-ckboy at heart.
The intense pleasure and euphoria that I experience is no longer predicated on men who had the opportunity to love me and failed, but by my ability to listen to my body and give her what she's asking for.
By definition, self-care refers to the actions or attitudes that contribute to the maintenance and development of your spiritual and mental health. Orgasms have reportedly improved health conditions like migraines, menstrual cramps, and even cardiovascular disease.
Masturbation can be especially beneficial for women in relationships. Even if you have a healthy sex life, it's been proven that multiple orgasms can improve your satisfaction, tone your pelvic wall, and improve your sex life. It's important that YOU know to please you before you expect anyone else to.
It seems that we have a cure to our stress, anxiety, and frustration at the tip of our fingertips, and what better way to show our gratitude than to use them with vigor?
What better way to practice self-care than to take care of myself?
Maybe I didn't have a real connection with Fred or Kyle. But I know for damn sure that I have a real connection with me. And that connection is one that is valuable and should be nurtured.
Though it's easier and sometimes more time efficient to envision a lover when you give yourself pleasure, keep in mind that it is you who has the key to your every whim and desire. Tonight, or even during the day if you're feeling frisky, I challenge you to explore yourself. Take the time to assess, acknowledge, and address your own needs.
Develop a connection with yourself, and you'll never regret it.
Featured image by Loredana Ituah @themindofmutiny