I have taken you for granted, forsaken you, and lacked appreciation. I've fed you lies, and I didn't take pride in what I had. I hid you on the days I wanted to reveal you. I questioned you when I couldn't believe my eyes. I manipulated you, and I didn't put you on the list as my No. 1 priority. I've sat back and allowed you to dwindle. I've ignored you when you would beg for my attention. At times you would act out in front of your friend's inflammation and soreness. I can feel your resentment you have against me. You should be angry, sad, and filled with trauma. I didn't cherish the love I should have with you. I was ignorant in thinking that in time you will be healed or if I ignored your screams, you would finally keep quiet.
I knew of you, but I chose not to get to know you. I read up on how you function but was never interested enough to apply what I read.
In my teens and early 20s, I would starve you and didn't feed you the nutrients you deserved. I didn't stretch you or take you out on walks. On the days I decided to listen to you, it was too late. By the end of the day, I no longer had it in me to take care of you. I was depleted, tired, and ran down. In my mind, the only way I knew how to heal you was to lay down. I would lay down for twenty minutes to only work my eyes to death, staring at a screen that doesn't give me life. I allowed my brain to be polluted with lies. I didn't train my mind as I should have.
I didn't love you, and that's what hurts the most. I allowed outside influences such as the fast-food peer pressure lead me into thinking I was doing the right thing. As your roommate, I'm saddened that I allowed us to get to this point. I've made a plethora of promises to get better, and I've failed you.
I say all of this to say, thank you. I thank you for continuously giving me a second chance every day. I thank you for showing patience. I thank you for forgiving me before I make another mistake. I am humbled and blessed to have a friend so loyal and kind.
In seven months, I will be 34, and before that lucky day arrives, I want to do everything in my power to make sure my body will be present on that particular day. I know, I know. We've had this song and dance too many times. I've let that woman dictate when to care for you. I've realized that it is a must that I preserve my body. Any subtle changes to my lifestyle would make you appreciate my love for you more. I can no longer sit on the sidelines on a hot California day and not want to reveal you to the world and take a dip in the pool to keep you cool.
I can no longer get anxiety walking into a department store, hoping and praying that "something fits", and I can't let how I see you dictate how I internally feel.
For any of us to start loving our bodies, we have to be truthful and meditate on the journey. Once you become open to seeing all of your faults, you can make the necessary first steps. I think we as women have gotten it mixed up. It's evident that we all aren't the same in height, shape, and DNA. I think it's time to think of our bodies as an investment for longevity. We have to be mindful of what we feed our bodies for the long-term. Are those bags of chips worthy of eating or do they have the ability to collect interest as time moves on?
Focusing on how we look in clothes barely scratches the surface. We should start loving and embracing how certain things make us feel instead. I can do it. We can do it. Let's enjoy our bodies together and change the narrative of what health and self-esteem look and feel like.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Featured image by Shutterstock