

Dear Queen:
I know that last year made you question your worth in self, in love, and in all relationships. Often, you felt that you were barely making it and that "they" (people, places, things) were celebrating life with quenchless zeal while you were on the sidelines barely able to breathe, barely able to get out of bed, and barely able to make sense of the day. As you force yourself to endure waking up, depression gripping your very soul, you made a choice to put your feet on the ground, you bellowed the last deep cry. You shake yourself, walking to the bathroom with feet of bricks, to shower, then put on clothes as you cover your tear-stained cheeks with makeup and a smile. Queen, you hide your hurts because you feel the mandate of the ancestors to champion causes for others. You don't give yourself a break due to people needing you to be there, in place, without a misstep or change in character.
Queen, right here, this moment, know that you are phenomenal and broken.
Phenomenal and broken, you question. Yes, phenomenal and broken. Queen, this oxymoron does exist. You are the living embodiment of it. Your value has not diminished. You have not stopped operating in the spirit of excellence, but when you get behind closed doors, your mortality hits you like a ton a cement blocks and no one but God can hear your whispers of help because the pain is too great to handle, let alone being able to endure the savage pain of loss, betrayal, guilt, and shame. These demons haunt you as you can barely manage to eat, sleep, gossip with a friend, or even post on social media. As tears run down your face, you seek solace from knowing that tomorrow may be a better day.
Queen, it will.
In your brokenness, know that your worth does not change. Queen, let's look at this example, a $100 bill is a note for tender - money. It is our way of buying the things we need. Before I go to the store, I decide to crumple up the $100 bill. The value of the bill does not change, it is still a $100 bill. If I take the same crumpled bill, and throw it on the ground, I will still have a crumpled up $100 bill ready to use in its condition. If I decided to dig my heels into that same crumpled up, dirty bill, I will still have a $100 bill ready to use with dents and imprints from being stepped on. When I flattened out the bill and smooth it for use, the bill has all of the wrinkles of misuse but never loses its worth. It is still a 100-dollar bill.
Queen, once you come of the seasons of change, your value has not diminished but actually increased.
Queen, you hold genuine lessons that you would not have ordinarily gathered on a simple excursion of this journey called life. That my dear makes you and your experiences phenomenal. You are uniquely equipped to help someone in that same situation once you heal. You are an expert to the pain and an expert to how you have gotten out or over the hurt or pain. Queen, if you are reading this, know that today is a great day of joy! Queen, you withstood the crumpling, the stepping on, the abuse, the manipulation, the misuse, the hate, and the fear that have brought you to this point of greatness.
Pop your collar Queen, you are undeniably and unquestionably ready to fly. You, my dear, are phenomenal and no longer broken.
Dear Queen is a series dedicated to letters from women written for themselves and other women. Have a "Dear Queen" letter? We want to read it! E-mail your letters to submissions@xonecole.com. Subject: 'Dear Queen'
Dr. Camesha Hill-Carter, an award-winning author and speaker, who has helped many women heal from past hurts to emerge to the Queen she is destined to be. She is revered as the girlfriend's girlfriend with southern charm and eclectic wisdom. Join her weekly for Queenly Behavior, a Facebook live talk show found in her group Queenly Behavior and at www.cameshacarter.com
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Ladies, have you ever noticed that anytime we break up with an ex, we cleanse our spaces and bodies – mentally and physically?
First, we remove the things that remind us of them because there is no need to cling to a toxic or unnecessary past. I’m not sure about you, but something about getting rid of clutter that weighed me down is so refreshing; I rebuke all negative energy in my personal space. Next, we cleanse ourselves by taking a natural, detoxifying bath or journal to release those emotions safely and effectively. However, what do you do when it comes to spiritually detoxing yourself? Can you recognize when it is time for something like that?
Detoxes concentrate on drawing out bad toxins and energies and realigning us with our purpose. Usually, when my energy is low, or I experience constant uneasiness, I know I need to take steps to detox spiritually. Luckily, I remembered a Reiki healer who worked with a close friend years ago; therefore, I started there.
I checked in with Reiki Practitioner Tamara Angela (@loveandfaerymagic) for her top ten recommendations on how to spiritually detox. I appreciate Tamara’s advice because she uses Reiki as “maintenance, not crisis [management],” thus, helping me realize I can prevent “spiritual clutter” from progressing.
Reiki practitioner Tamara Angela
Photo courtesy of Tamara Angela
According to Tamara, "Reiki is a Japanese healing art. It [Reiki] comes with the understanding that we are all energy. And the way I describe it is Reiki covers you like your grandma’s prayer.” And we all know how vital our grandmother’s (or elders’) prayers are, especially growing up.
Ways To Spiritually Detox
Tamara explained that her nine steps all work together and detoxify your spirit and help you maintain the work you put into cleansing your spirit. We apply many of these steps to our daily routine, not realizing how crucial they are for our spiritual health. Each step ties into the other, and all are necessary.
When you do a spiritual detox it's important to remember, it’s a lifestyle. Start slowly to create the level of peace you want and build the stability you need. Tamara shares, “You can do all nine steps and still experience chaos. That is why it is important to have a baseline, a level of peace,” Tamara says. “You have to create a baseline of stability that you can revert back to. ‘I am used to this level of peace.’ Someone came along to disturb it, and now I have to fix it. Now, I can come back to these [steps] and remove that energy and know how to properly.”
1. Turn off your phone notifications and alerts.
Those notifications keep you tethered to constantly looking out for things (i.e. a text from that one person you should have kept blocked), thus, making it harder to calm your spirits. “Instead, choose a time in the day when you’re checking notifications,” Tamara recommended.
2. Get proper rest.
We experience different levels of sleep, and getting proper rest allows your body to reset. Raise your hand if your off day consists of running multiple errands. Often, we do not rest on our off days; “something” comes up. That “something” can be as simple as your favorite reality show.
Feel seen yet? I surely did. Sitting down and binge-watching a TV show does not allow your mind to rest effectively. For proper rest, Tamara suggested that classical and jazz music or white noise is okay, but nothing with lyrics.
3. Clear and calm your nervous system
When you are constantly experiencing things, sometimes you need to calm your mind down. For example, when something goes wrong with the Wi-Fi, we reset the modem. We should do the same when it comes to our bodies. Unfortunately, we tend to not think like that regarding our body and nervous system. “We are in a constant sensory experience," Tamara explained.
"You have six senses. That is how you experience the world. So, when you are constantly experiencing things, sometimes you need to calm down. Sometimes you need to remove something. Sometimes you need to be aware of how much you have taken in or have the capacity to take in.”
According to Apollo Neuro, an overactive sympathetic nervous system can cause issues like muscle tension, jitters, insomnia, etc. It can also lead to hyper-vigilance, the tendency to detect danger, even in its absence. By contrast, excessive tiredness, depression, and an overactive gag reflex can signal parasympathetic dominance. Fortunately, steps eight and nine emphasize easing an overactive nervous system.
4. Enjoy the company of good friends with laughter
“Laughter is a way to express emotion; it’s a great release. You are not in an inadequate space when you’re there [with friends].” As we know, laughter is good for the soul; it releases endorphins and helps you release things.
5. Purge your living space/get rid of clutter
Also known as “spring cleaning.” Constant mess or clutter is draining, and cleaning removes that negative energy. A great example Tamara uses is opening a window as it “can let out negative, stagnant energy. Many people do not realize that this practice is hoodoo-based.”
6. Unplug
Completely unplug or pick a day or time, and unplug. One way to do this is by turning off your phone. You cannot scroll through social media, talk on the phone, etc. Tamara recommended starting with 15 minutes and progressing from there.
7. Set boundaries
My personal favorite as I’ve gotten older. From a former people-pleaser, this is not an easy task. A lot of the pleasing we wrap ourselves up in is one of the main reasons we are spiritually drained. Setting boundaries is healthy; do things are your terms.
8. Do some Reiki
“Reiki energy balancing allows you to center yourself and clear that [negative] energy,” Tamara said. She further explained that it's like a church mother “laying hands on you.” Reiki is an energy healing technique that promotes relaxation and reduces stress and anxiety through gentle touch. Reiki practitioners use their hands to deliver energy to your body, improving the flow and balance of your energy to support healing.
Reiki practitioners are a conduit between you and the universal life force energy source. The energy flows through the practitioner’s hands to you. However, your Reiki healer does not always have to touch you for Reiki to work physically. “You can receive Reiki healing from long distances, like on the phone,” Tamara said. Instead, clients experience the energy through heat, cold, tingling, or pulsing sensations.
There are many benefits to Reiki. Reiki can:
- Promote relaxation, stress reduction, and symptom relief to improve overall health and well-being.
- Bring on a meditative state.
- Foster tissue and bone healing after injury or surgery.
- Stimulate your body’s immune system.
- Promote natural self-healing.
- Relieve pain and tension.
9. Breath/breathwork
“Breathwork is extremely helpful in moving any stagnant energy,” and that is why Tamara gives the people she works with a two-minute meditation that consists of breathwork. One breathwork exercise is placing your hand on your heart and feeling the movement of your heartbeat. Doing this technique for two minutes will recenter you and can be performed anywhere – office cubicle, home, etc. Even a deep belly breath, hold, then release is a great way to release stuck emotions.
“The process of inhaling brings in what we need, and that full exhale is letting go of what we do not [need],” Tamara said.
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Feature image by Johnce/ Getty Images
Originally published on April 13, 2023