We're In A Polyamorous Relationship & We Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way
As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Poly Patterson's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
Kel and I are girlfriends. And we just so happen to share our boyfriend, Tony, as well.
*braces ourselves*
—
Wait, soooo you're in a polyamorous relationship?
He gets to have two girlfriends?!
You mean you guys are like the Sister Wives or something?
Well...
We consider ourselves to be in a polyamorous triad, which means the three of us equally share an intimate relationship with one another.
We are by no means sister wives.
Television shows such as Sister Wives show a patriarchal version of polyamory. The women on the show are all sharing one man, but aren't in relationships with each other.
And because people largely believe that F/F/M triads are only male-serving, we often find ourselves explaining (and defending) the difference between our love and theirs.
Whatever the difference, this is how we have chosen to love. And our arrangement is what works for us.
—
I grew up in a very conservative town in South Carolina, the middle of three siblings. My parents divorced when I was 9, but both were very present in my life. Kel grew up as the only girl in a two-parent Guyanese home in Houston. We each had amazing childhoods: heavily involved in church, did well in school, and was active in our extracurriculars (dance for Kel, viola and other sports for me).
We had never witnessed poly arrangements before, but each of us certainly witnessed infidelity and dishonesty in many relationships as we got older. Actually, our opinions of poly relationships didn't even develop until we were in our 20's. We would sometimes see them on social media accounts and/or various entertainment outlets, but nothing too crazy.
Each of us honestly always thought poly relationships were interesting, but never something we imagined for ourselves.
Pictured: Cam (L), Kel (R)
Tony and I were together for six years prior to meeting Kel and we even had plans of marrying. Despite this, I was still "bi-curious" and I wasn't quite sure how to express my desires while being in a committed relationship. I talked to Tony about it—and we had casual conversations—but we didn't think too deeply into it for a few years. And since I had never been with a woman, I was somewhat terrified of the mere thought of it all anyway, so we dropped it.
Once we graduated college and moved in together, I brought it up to him again and told him that if I explore this side of my sexuality, I don't want to ruin our relationship by dating women and having connections without him.
We decided to try dating apps to find someone that we could build a trusting friendship with first.
This quickly got old because as we all know, after a while, scouring these apps became a chore. I was completely over it, so we gave up. But just as I was about to delete all of my apps, I divinely met Kel. It was her first day on the app and my last.
We met in person a week later.
Tony and I immediately connected with her and wanted to continue to hang out. We didn't know what we were in for or that we would end up in a throuple, but we were all just obsessed with each other and hung out every weekend after that. As time went on and feelings got deeper, we sort of just fell into this dynamic.
We've been in our exclusive relationship since.
And the journey has been great. Good and bad times, many ups and many downs. Poly relationships are more than an immature fetish. Triads are tough.
It would be irresponsible to tell you how happy we are without being honest about the hard times too. We struggle with the same situations that any other couple would.
There have definitely been times when we've questioned everything. And because we're in a nontraditional relationship, the smallest of ticks can have you questioning the entire arrangement.
For example, Kel and I argue the most because we are so similar. We are still adjusting to the relationship dynamic with another woman. We are also the same zodiac sign, so it causes us to mirror each other often. But our love for one another is so strong; we can't give it up. We've had to take the time to remember that any relationship, no matter the details, can feel like it's too much because humans are so complex.
And we're just human.
As for our families, most have questions, most are confused. But overall, we have their full love and support. They are supportive and trust that we will make the best decision for our lives. We're sure it took some adjusting as I had been in traditional female/male relationships throughout high school and college, and for most of them, this is their first time hearing that we are both bisexual and in a poly relationship, so I'm sure it can be shocking at times.
But as long as we're happy, they are happy, even if they don't agree.
Regardless of it all, we've found our rhythm and don't allow anyone's outside opinions to influence us. In fact, we always get a good laugh at others' curiosity, if anything. Something as small as checking into a hotel with one king bed and seeing absolute confusion, all the way to going out with friends/colleagues who don't all know we are in a poly relationship; maybe they know two of us to be together, but when the affection switches to another person, glances change.
After all, people have many ideas of what they think our relationship is but I can assure you that whatever you think, is not the case.
We just live in our truth. It's important for us to show representation of three young, black, educated millennials who have the ability to love and cultivate relationships with more than one person at a time.
So, we appreciate the people who take an effort to look at our content and ask questions to get a true understanding of our relationship. Our hope is that by continuing to educate people about relationships like ours and showing our dynamic, the F/F/M polyamorous relationship stereotypes will start to go away.
Ladies, if you are considering entering a poly relationship, or you're seeking advice on how to maintain yours, understand that our relationship take an insurmountable amount of self-work and self-awareness. You need to be secure with yourself, you have to be. Be good at sharing yourself: feelings, past trauma, your significant others, etc. Selfishness or strong jealousy wouldn't survive a day in a poly relationship. Learn to love yourself first. Be clear on your desires, understand that those desires may shift as you grow. Learn the practice of giving grace to yourself and your partners because perfection does not exist in humans.
--
As for what's next? Sustaining our happiness. We're often asked if we plan to get married, and the answer is yes. We plan to have a commitment ceremony, which will take place in the future. We also plan to continue our journey of destigmatizing our choice of love. Mostly because although we know quite a few black poly individuals, the masses still have a negative outlook on it.
We as a culture are still healing from the trauma of oppression. So many people in the black community don't have the capacity to explore the idea that genuine love exists beyond tradition, which is the reason it is so important for us to tell our story; this is why we use social media and other outlets to show what our love is really like.
We face so much judgement everyday, so much ridicule. We fight the very stereotypes that you reading this will likely have, every single day--just for choosing our happiness.
And that's OK, we are built for this.
We just ask that you understand that this happiness is ours. And that's OK too.
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Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
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Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED