Women, in general, tend to disassociate during sex (myself included) and I hate that for us. But here's the thing: the year was 1960-something when white women are preaching, striving for sexual liberation, and coining terms like "the orgasm gap". Black women, we (our ancestors) were putting the same energy into the civil rights movement. The priorities were different and understandably so. Yet, I say all of this to say: the undoing and desire to close the orgasm gap began late for us, when in reality we needed a head start because so much of our sexuality has been colonized to begin with.
And, it shows! It shows in how we as Black women view sex and our sexualities, how we discuss it, and how we feel about it. For so long, sex was seen as something men do to us. So much so that I recall a time where so many women would rather not masturbate because her pleasure was intended to stroke the ego of men. The thing is, the orgasm gap that we face tells a different story in regards to the pleasure we're receiving in our sex lives. No, the orgams gap isn't specific to Black women, but much like the pay gap I imagine that this (the orgasm gap) too disproportionately impacts us.
But let me back up. What is the orgasm gap? The orgasm gap refers to the prioritization of the cis-het man's orgasm in the bedroom. It's the centering of pleasure around the patriarchy for any number of reasons, whether it be miseducation or willful "ill[CLIlT]eracy."
In a nutshell: it is the disproportionate rate of men to women receiving orgasms in the bedroom.
Though everyone's body is different and not all women are capable of having an orgasm, we should be able to enjoy the pleasure that comes along with a partner who tries their best to get us there. The biggest issue for an able-bodied clitoris is education, i.e. our grossly lacking understanding of our anatomy.
With over 5,000 nerves in the clitoris, it simply shouldn't be this hard for women to receive an orgasm. But men have to be able to find it, first. The best way to remedy this is a healthier sex education for all -- sex-positive sex education in our homes and in the school system. But because I'm in the business of talking about Black women specifically, I want to talk about some ways to close the orgasm gap specifically tailored towards us.
1.Unlearn Shame and Colonial Sex Idealogies
jenifer lewis shame GIF by ABC NetworkGiphyThose who enslaved Blacks were very intentional about the language they used around our sexuality, demonizing us with derogatory language that condoned the sexual mistreatment of Black women and men. They made it appear that because we were "animals" we had an insatiable sex drive that condoned white men raping us and a false narrative that Black men couldn't be trusted to not sexually harm white women. Black women were bred as if they were cows in a barnyard and then once slavery ended, they created the narrative that all we do is lay up and have children. This also brought into play respectability politics in an attempt to move us from this narrative and create more opportunities in a white world for Black people. So now when we show any natural human sexuality, we as Black women are hypersexualized and that breeds internalized hate.
Unlearn all of that because that's the real white shit -- not sucking dick, not anal, not masturbation. To further understand what it is that you're unlearning, research the contradictions and exploitation that colonizers have created around oursexuality while they are out here living their best lives.
2.Get Familiar with Your Actual Sexuality
Start unpacking after you've done some educating! How do you actually feel about sex as it related to you? Your sexuality. Who do you want to be when it comes to your sexuality...when society isn't dictating? Why do you judge those (especially women) who display their sexuality differently than you? How often have you encountered the reality of the orgasm gap? It might be helpful to journal through this.
3.Explore Your Body
Sexy Hannah GIF by HannahWittonGiphyYou cannot help your partner understand what you like if you don't know what you like. Try masturbating manually and with a toy while viewing ethical porn or reading an erotic novel. Touch your breasts, use lubricant, set the mood.
Genuinely have sex with yourself so that you can truly innerstand what gets you to your orgasm.
Are you in the majority where you require a combination of clioral and vaginal stimulation? What trauma do you have around your sexuality, from this lifetime and others, from your personal experiences and from those of your ancestors (our bodies hold that too)?
4.Educate Yourself
Based on what you found in your research, browse the internet or connect with others in order to figure out ways to bridge the gaps in your pleasure, making for one less statistic of the orgasm gap. Goop has a great resource entitled the "14 Best Books About Sex That are Worth the Read" and is a great place to start.
5.Communicate and Consent
Be sure to talk to your partners before you all have sex (not necessarily right before) and after. See what's working and what's not. Try to communicate your sexual trauma so that your partner doesn't accidentally trigger you in any way. After all, if you can't even relax during sex, an orgasm becomes that much more difficult to attain. DO NOT be afraid to say what didn't please you.
The ancient African-American proverb "a closed mouth doesn't get fed" will never not be relevant. And also make sure you're open and honest about the kinks that you may need integrated in order to feel sexually fulfilled.
These discussions will make sure you're sexually compatible with your partner and that your partner is willing and ready to do what it takes to ensure you both have a pleasurable experience.
6.Educate Those in Your Life
From your sexual partners to your children, make sure you're teaching everything from the anatomy and how it works, to the ways in which most porn should not be the pleasure map that is pulled from.
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- Sex-Positive Parenting: Raising Sex-Positive Kids - xoNecole ... ›
- What Is A G-Scale Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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This Full Moon is all about letting go of what doesn’t feel authentic or resonate with you emotionally, and about experiencing more closure and healing within relationship matters.
Your May 2025: A Monthly Overview
Gemini Season officially begins on May 20, and we enter air sign energy, which is good for communication, business, and coming up with inspiring and new ideas. On May 24, Saturn enters Aries, beginning its new transit where it will remain for the next few years. Saturn in Aries is bold, direct, and straightforward, but so are its lessons. There is a gift in resilience and finding your strength during this time, and this transit will show you where your power is, but it may challenge you to confront self-limiting behavior in the process.
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Article continues after the jump.
We Are/Getty ImagesMay 2025 Horoscopes for Every Zodiac Sign
Keep reading for your sun, moon, and rising sign below to see what May has in store for you.
ARIES
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleThe impact from April is finally behind you, and you get to move forward this month, Aries. After a month of retrogrades and Eclipses, you are starting to see the progress of what you have been working towards financially this year. The Sun is in your 2nd house of abundance, self-confidence, and values this month, and you are putting your dreams here first.
With Venus also in Aries for the entire month of May, you are feeling the support within and without this month, and this is a beautiful month unfolding.
On May 24, Saturn enters your sign, beginning its transit in Aries, which will last for the next few years. Saturn is the master of tough love, and you are going to be learning a lot about yourself during his time and going through a growth spurt. The New Moon of May is at the end of the month on May 26 and will be giving you the answers and clarity you have been looking for, highlighting open communication in your life. Overall, this is your month of fewer obstacles and more progress.
TAURUS
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTaurus Season is officially underway, and you are the main character right now, Taurus. Remember that. This month is about trusting your intuition and the timing of things, and knowing that things are working in your favor. With Venus, your ruling planet, in your 12th house for the month, you are seeking a lot of closure and culmination right now and are healing what was. Mercury enters your sign from May 10 until May 25, and it’s all about the perspectives you are gaining right now.
Don’t be afraid to ask the important questions and get down to the bottom of things that have been worrying you. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in your 7th house of partnership, and you are closing the door on what has not been working for you in love. You are seeing the clarity of what you need within your emotional world and how you want to navigate the changes you have been through here now.
GEMINI
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleMay is a new beginning for you, Gemini. You have a lot of energy and vitality with you this month, and you are ready to accomplish some personal goals and intentions of yours. For most of the month, the Sun is in your house of closure and healing, and you are finding yourself rejuvenated from the transformations you have been through. Gemini Season officially begins on May 20, and with the Sun in your sign, nothing is holding you back from shining and living in your truth right now.
On May 25, Mercury enters Gemini until June 8, and Mercury loves being in your sign, as this is your planetary ruler.
Mercury in Gemini is forward-thinking, quick, and intelligent. You are coming up with solutions to previous challenges or obstacles, and overcoming something that has felt restrictive mentally. Before the month ends, there is a New Moon in Gemini on May 26, and this New Moon is one of the best times of the year for you to set your intentions and manifest your dreams. Remember you are worthy of what you are setting out to accomplish this month, Gemini.
CANCER
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCancer, this month requires you to slow down, take care of your health, and allow things to come to fruition the way they are meant to. There is a chance you could be overthinking more than usual this month, and you are being reminded that there is only so much that is in your control, and to give yourself some more grace. The Full Moon in Scorpio on May 12 will help you gain a little more clarity of the heart and is going to be a time of feeling the love and appreciation in your life.
Saturn enters your 10th house of career on May 24, remaining here over the next few years, and you are getting an opportunity to grow and discover where you may have been limiting yourself professionally, socially, or within your aspirations in life. This time is all about reminding yourself that you deserve recognition for the work you do, but that you must also be the one believing in yourself as well. On May 12, there is a New Moon in your house of emotional healing, and you are seeing the gifts of alone time, safe spaces, and tending to your creative inklings at the end of the month.
LEO
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is an opportunity for a new beginning in love and progress within your emotional world, Leo. You are learning to trust your intuition more, and you are putting more of your energy into your heart’s desires. With the Sun in your 10th house for most of the month, you are shining in your truth and remaining confident in your goals in life.
Venus is in your house of adventure for the entire month, and this is a good time for experiencing romance while traveling or getting out of your comfort zone a little.
Saturn makes a significant move from Pisces into Aries at the end of the month and enters your 9th house. With Saturn here, you will be learning more about what mental growth and clarity mean to you, and this is a good time to dedicate yourself to higher education, traveling, gaining a new perspective, and honoring your integrity and values. The New Moon of the month is on May 26, creating magic within your friendships and community.
You are leaving this month with hope in your heart and new plans for the future.
VIRGO
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleMay is a month of abundance and fruition for you, Virgo. Your dreams and intentions are coming to fruition, and you are owning that which you have created for yourself. With Venus in Aries, this is a good time for seeing support in your life financially, dedicating yourself to your commitments and responsibilities, and seeing the gifts in that. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication, and this is an intuitive time for you, giving you the strength needed to close the chapter on what you don’t resonate with anymore.
On May 24, Saturn enters your house of shared finances, rebirth, intimacy, and resources, and over the next few years, you will be learning the importance of connecting with people who truly have your best interest at heart, and not committing to what feels unstable. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini in your house of career, and this is a good time to manifest and set your intentions for where you want to see professional growth in your life.
Overall, May is about embracing your freedom while honoring the people and connections that help you grow and make you feel more secure in life.
LIBRA
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of feeling empowered and ready to take on anything that comes your way, Libra. You are inspired by the progress you are making in your life right now, and with Venus in your 7th house of love, you are being well-received. This is a month of finding your balance between your path and the growth of your relationships, and there is a sense of support, harmony, and love in your life in May.
You are owning your authenticity and living in your truth fully, and this energy is magnetic.
However, Saturn also enters your 7th house of love this month, where it will remain for the next few years. Saturn empowers and helps you grow, but you can also feel a little more challenged within your relationships during this time. The more you can own your wants and needs, the more you can find vulnerability and support within your relationships. On May 26, a New Moon in a fellow air sign occurs and happens in your 9th house, creating a chance at a new adventure and an opportunity to discover some new inspiration.
SCORPIO
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleMay is about believing in the impossible, Scorpio. It’s time to take a leap of faith in yourself and to remember your power. You are seeking a new beginning in your life, and with the Sun in your 7th house of love for most of the month, you are being supported and encouraged in the process. Pluto, one of your ruling planets, goes retrograde in your house of home and family from May 4 until October, and you are gaining clarity on the people and support systems you can rely on more.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on May 12, and this is the Flower Moon of the year. You are in full bloom and ready for whatever is next for you, and this is beautiful. Previous intentions and goals come to fruition for you overall in mid-May, and there is a lot to look forward to right now as you are getting excited about it all. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini in your 8th house, creating a sense of empowerment through what you are looking to change and transform in your life right now.
This month is about not being afraid to take more risks and doing things your own way.
SAGITTARIUS
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleMay is a beautiful month of magic, success, and good fortune, Sagittarius. You are feeling lucky this month and are attracting success to you in many different areas of your life. Venus, the planet of love, is in your 5th house of romance for most of the month, and you are enjoying your life, feeling the love within your heart, and expressing yourself freely in May. You are a magnet for your manifestations, and dreams are coming true for you this month, Sag.
On May 12, we have a Full Moon happening in your house of endings and closure, and you are closing out a big chapter in your life this month.
You are letting go of old pain or emotional experiences and choosing not to repeat a pattern that left you feeling hopeless before. On May 26, we have a New Moon in your sister sign, Gemini, enhancing your need for love, connection, and relationship development this month. This is a great New Moon to set your intentions for what partnerships you want to see grow, heal, and come to fruition for you. Overall, May is your month of fruition, balance, and believing in the magic in your life.
CAPRICORN
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleMay is about slowing down and allowing yourself to find the answers you have been looking for, Capricorn. This isn’t the time to rush your progress or doubt where you are in life. The Sun is in your 5th house, and this is good for finding more time for fun, pleasure, self-care, and asking your heart what it needs. With Pluto going retrograde in your 2nd house of values and income, you are being reminded to hold yourself with integrity and to know that you are worthy of the things you are asking for.
The Full Moon on May 12 is a beautiful time to connect with loved ones or those who inspire you. The universe wants to show you that you are not alone this month and that you deserve to live a life where you can enjoy yourself more and manifest your dreams, rather than believing everything needs to be a challenge to be worthy. Saturn, your ruling planet, then enters your 4th house of home and family, and over the next few years, you are going to be rediscovering what home means to you.
AQUARIUS
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleYour guidance for May is to trust that what is falling from your life or changing for you is doing so for your benefit, Aquarius. Trust that what is happening is happening for you and not to you, and don’t doubt that you will rebuild from this. With Pluto going retrograde in your sign from May 4 until October 13, you need a break from some of the confusion you have been feeling in your personal life, and you are getting a chance to gain a new perspective this month.
Use this time to get inspired by change rather than let it bring you down, and ground yourself in the present moment more.
Saturn enters Aries in May, where it will remain for the next few years, helping you grow in the areas of your life that have to do with communication, networking, transportation, siblings, and education. You will be learning a lot during this time and will be finding new outlets for self-expression and communication. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini occurring in your 5th house of romance, pleasure, hobbies, and entertainment, and after a month of navigating endings, changes, and closures, you are ready for a fresh start and are receiving one in love now.
PISCES
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleAllow what is to be, be, Pisces. May is a month of allowing yourself to trust the timing of the universe and not giving up hope that things are going to turn out beautifully for you. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in fellow water sign, Scorpio, and this is a time to get inspired and see the benefits of closure. This Full Moon is about gaining a new perspective and not doubting what is clearer to you now, that you are worthy of a new beginning.
On May 24, Saturn moves into your 2nd house of income, and you are going to be moving through a journey of developing financially, and working on maintaining stability while building new foundations in your life. The New Moon in Gemini at the end of the month is about setting your intentions for your home and family life and creating some new energy here. Overall, May is your month of breaking ground on the things you want to create for yourself and trusting the timing of how things are unfolding.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
