Sometimes, you just know when someone is lying. It doesn't have anything to do with their character, level of integrity, past patterns, body language or anything like that. When it comes to certain topics, based on what comes out of a person's mouth, you automatically know they're not telling the truth.
I don't need a dime to be happy. Lies.
I don't care what anyone thinks (anyone on the planet?!). Lies.
Having an orgasm isn't a big deal to me. Lies you tell.
That last lie? There's a wife who is constantly trying to pull that one over on me. According to her, although she had a very active sex life as a single woman and she's been married for close to two decades now, there's only been one man to give her an orgasm—and that man isn't her husband.
"It's fine, Shellie," she has said to me trying to sound like it's no big deal (the hell you say!). "If you ever get married, you'll realize that you shouldn't always put such an emphasis on sex." (I'm sorry…was that a dig on my relational status?)
Yeeeah. She's not gonna sell me on that. Yes, sex can be good, with or without an orgasm, but I'm not gonna ever act like it's cool nor will I be complacent with being in a sexual relationship where mutual climaxing ain't happenin'. Neither should the wife I just referenced. And you know what? Neither should you (check out "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex to Be" when you get a chance).
If you're sexually active and you've never had an orgasm before, don't feel bad; there are 10-15 percent of other women who haven't as well. In response to that, I've got a few points that you should consider. But if you're like the wife who has been to the mountaintop, just not that often, the following questions should (hopefully) get you to the root of the challenge (if it's about you) or problem (if it's due to where "he" is lackin').
Have You Ever Had an Orgasm Before?Giphy
If you've never had an orgasm before, there are a few things to take note of. First, according to a lot of therapists, trouble climaxing is tied to these main issues—age (menopausal women sometimes struggle due to shifts in their hormones); political and religious beliefs (if you come from a very conservative upbringing and/or all you heard about sex was that you'll go to hell if you do it before marriage); whether you are in a fulfilling relationship or not (the safer you feel emotionally, the more likely you are to have an orgasm) and/or whether you are a survivor of sexual trauma or not all play a direct role.
On the physical tip, as far as vaginal orgasms go, the space in between your clitoris and your vaginal opening also plays a part. When the distance between the two are the space between your thumb and your thumb's knuckle, you are far more likely to experience orgasms via intercourse (although only about 30 percent of women can do that). You also need a partner who is going to provide vaginal, oral and genital stimulation. Not one. All three. (That might seem obvious but it's kind of shocking how many women don't receive this triple combo on a regular basis.)
So, if you have never experienced an orgasm before, these are all things that you should ponder before taking anything else into consideration.
Are You Talking About a Vaginal Orgasm Only?
70 percent of women profess to never having a vaginal orgasm from penile stimulation alone. Noted. But as far as climaxing is concerned, there is a whole world of other orgasms to explore. How many? Women can have 11 (at least)—clitoral, G-spot, blended, cervical, nipple and multiple are just a few of 'em.
So, when you say that you can't have an orgasm, I need you to be a little more specific. Do you mean that intercourse doesn't lead to one? Or, is it that, no matter what part of your body is stimulated, nothing seems to be going down? If it's more Column A than anything else, let yourself off the hook some. At least you're actually having some, right?
But if, to you, that is sooooo not the point, positions that could increase your chances of a vaginal orgasm include spooning, the Lotus position (which is basically having sex while sitting up and facing your partner) and reverse cowgirl should be able to help you out. Oh, investing in a sex pillow couldn't hurt either.
How Adventurous Has the Sex Been?
If you can't remember the last time that you had an orgasm, have you ever considered that you might just be…bored? The reason why I say that is because good sex requires a certain amount of spontaneity and creativity. I also say that due to a feature that was published in The Atlantic last February—"Women Get Bored with Sex in Long-Term Relationships". The gist of the article is it isn't so much that certain women aren't able to come so much as they aren't getting the kind of sex that they want. Since (most) men are able to orgasm in five minutes or less, they don't need as much outside-of-the-box thinking as women do. That said, what kind of sex turns you on? Does your partner know that? Has he been going above and beyond to make it happen?
There's another thing that needs to go on record concerning being bored. You could be bored because sex feels like a series of dull repetitious behaviors or you could feel bored because you think your partner is annoying and petty. Both are definitions of boredom. Just something (else) to think about.
Have You Been Getting Wet Enough?
When it comes to a woman having an orgasm, definitely wetter is better. Your diet, it being three days before or three days after your period, stress, breastfeeding (it can sometimes cause your estrogen levels to take a dive), not drinking enough water, certain medications, your body needing at least 20 minutes of foreplay in order to "warm up"—all of these things could be the reason why you're not lubed up enough.
What are the remedies for these things? You could always make your own lubricant (there's a cool recipe here). As far as your diet goes, eating foods with omega-3 fatty acids (like salmon, flaxseeds and seaweed); taking a B-complex and evening primrose oil supplement; cooking with extra-virgin olive oil more often; eating phytoestrogen-rich foods like big cherries, oats and wheat berries will also help. Oh, so does more foreplay including more oral sex since, well, saliva (and sexual stimulation) is involved.
What’s Your Diet Currently Like?
On the heels of mentioning the foods that will help to make you wetter, there are also foods that can increase your chances of having an orgasm altogether. Last January, I penned a list of aphrodisiacs. Two herbal teas that will increase your sex drive include maca and red clover (especially in post-menopausal women).
And then there's what you need to consume a lot less of. I'll give you one guess. Sugar. For starters, it makes you tired, increases stress and lowers testosterone levels in both men and women. And yes, even women need a certain amount of testosterone in their system in order to have a really good time.
How Have You Been Treating Yourself Lately?
Another reason why you may not be having orgasms (or as many as you would like) has nothing to do with sex, your partner or your diet. It has everything to do with you. Women who have off-the-charts sex are women who are open to doing it with the lights on and engaging in dirty talk (both giving and receiving). She will get out of the bed to try it in other locations and, she initiates from time to time too. Sometimes she's in fancy lingerie, sometimes boy shorts and a tank—sometimes, she greets her man butt naked. What all of these things point to is a woman who has a good amount of self-esteem.
There's scientific research to support that there is a direct link between a woman's level of self-esteem and a woman's level of sexual satisfaction. So, if you're looking for a man or sex to make you feel good amount yourself, that's gonna be counterproductive, both in and out of the bedroom. Start with feeling good about yourself…first.
Are Things Good with You and Your Partner?
Once you're in a good space with yourself, you can effectively move on to what's happening (or not happening) between you and your partner. Take simultaneous orgasms, for example. It's so much easier for a couple to pull this off if their mind, body and spirits are totally in sync.
I remember once hearing a pastor say during one of his sermons (good for him for bringing it up too!) that he and his wife have great sex, in part, because he gives her great foreplay before they hit the bedroom. He calls to tell her that he loves her. He brings roses home for "no reason". He cooks dinner and cleans up the kitchen afterwards. After all that, she's more than ready!
All of this reminds me ofThe Cosby Show episode when, while on a romantic getaway, Claire explained to Cliff what she needed in order to feel desirable. Cliff finally caught the memo when he first kissed Claire's hand, her arm, her ear and then he said, "You know something? I love you. Very, very much. It's a privilege to wake up in the morning and see your face. You are my life, and I mean that." Boy, it was on and poppin' in that hotel room after that!
The biggest sex organ is our brain. If your man isn't connecting with you mentally and emotionally, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if that's what's holding things up physically. Hmph. Make sure he gets that memo.
Could You Be Overthinking It?
Speaking of the brain, another thing that could be keeping you from climaxing is performance anxiety. No joke. There are a lot of men who aren't able to maintain erections and women who aren't able to truly and fully let go so that they can climax and it's all because their minds are racing 10 miles per minute. It could be due to thoughts like, "Will my partner think I'm good in bed?" or "What can I do to not make them think about someone else?"
Some of us are notorious for creating full dramas (or horror flicks) in our head, all because we choose to create problems that actually aren't there. If you can't seem to internally handle the issues that are hindering you from enjoying sex, share them with your partner or friend. If that doesn't relieve your stress, you might need to discuss what's troubling you with a reputable therapist. You might look up and realize that the stress and tension that's connected to your job, other relationships, lack of sleep, etc. could be the root cause of what's going on—not your feelings concerning your bedroom performance.
What Has Your Doctor Said?
Speaking of speaking with professionals, as much as I tried to touch on what you can do on your own, if your inability to orgasm has to do with medications or a drastic shift in your hormone levels, there's a pretty good chance that you're not gonna be able to change that without some additional assistance.
To a certain extent, that's good news, because if it is health-related, once you get a full medical work-up, your doctor should be able to diagnose the issue and get you and your body right to where it needs to be. So, if it's been more than a year since you've seen your physician, this is definitely something that you should put on your to-do list.
Are You Rushing the Process?
Good things take time. Orgasms are a really good thing! Between learning about yourself, your partner and figuring out what are turn ons and total turn offs, don't expect things to come together overnight. Also, don't expect sex to be exactly the same every single time.
You can go to Google and see that Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was our ability to have an orgasm (especially a vaginal one). But if you apply these tips, have an unselfish partner and you're patient with the process, you'll find that you're closer to having your mind blown that you think.
Author JD Salinger once said, "A woman's body is like a violin. All that it takes a terrific musician to play it right." I couldn't agree more. Tell your man that I said, from the very bottom of my heart, "Play on, playa…play on!"
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
The Libra woman and Aries man are the divine feminine and divine masculine, coming together as one. The love compatibility between these two is one for the books. These two are opposite signs, however, their differences tend to complement each other well. This is a dynamic relationship where they know how to have a lot of fun together, but also aren’t afraid to deal with the more serious stuff that comes with a relationship.
The Libra woman is looking for her equal in love, someone who is willing to put in the same effort she is, and the Aries man sees Libra as someone he is willing to do that with.
The Love Compatibility Of A Libra Woman And An Aries Man
What attracts a Libra woman and an Aries man to each other?
There is a magnet of attraction pulling these two together, and things tend to move pretty fast in this relationship. The Libra woman is always open to love and her charming nature rarely has any challenges here. The Aries man fights for his independence and doesn’t sacrifice that unless he is completely enamored with someone.
Once the Aries man catches the eye of the Libra woman, he is typically the one to make the first move and this instantly wins the approval of Libra.
These two feel like they have known each other forever when they meet, and this spark between them doesn’t die down easily.
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What is the relationship like between a Libra woman and an Aries man?
The relationship between the Libra woman and the Aries man is one of balance and excitement. The Aries man tends to take on the more dominant role in this relationship and the Libra woman tends to be the more receptive one. Aries is ruled by masculine Mars, and Libra is ruled by feminine Venus. They understand they are coming from two completely different worlds, yet they also instinctively feel this underlying connection to each other and like they could be something each other needs in their lives.
The Libra woman can rely on the Aries man, and the Aries man never has to ask for the love that Libra already knows he needs.
This is a couple that is often reading each other’s minds and wanting to do a lot of the same things. However, not everything is rainbow in this relationship as well, and there are some major differences they have to overcome to make things work. One argument can lead to an explosion between these two, and addressing things when they come up rather than sweeping them under the rug, will be needed to make this relationship long-term.
What is the sex like between a Libra woman and an Aries man?
The sex between a Libra woman and an Aries man is adventurous. These are two cardinal signs with plenty of energy and stamina to keep things exciting in the bedroom. There tends to be a good give and take in this relationship, and their yin and yang energy benefits them when it comes to their sex life.
There is electricity felt between the two of them in this area of their life, and their power of attraction to each other is strong. These are two people who will want to do a lot of things together, including exploring sexually together.
The Aries man will have to be careful with being overly aggressive, however, as the soft Libra woman may not like this energy- it will completely depend on the two individuals at hand. The Libra woman wants to ease into things, the Aries man wants to get going right away. Learning about each other's bodies, and energy, and reading each other’s cues will help with this.
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What makes a relationship between a Libra woman and an Aries man work?
These two genuinely like each other, and that basis is a key factor for success in any relationship. The Aries man is straight to the point, direct, and inspired. The Libra woman admires these characteristics in others, as she is often herself finding her balance in this type of energy as well. Neither sign is overly emotional in a way that turns them off, and they both require a lot of the same things in a committed relationship. They want honesty, fun, good communication, passion, and to be moving towards a common goal together.
The Libra woman and Aries man don’t have a problem being real with each other and this is something they really value within the relationship. They are both very charming, and there is plenty of flirtation and attraction to keep this relationship going. Aries being the protector they are, Libra finds a sense of safety and ease in this energy, and like they have found their match. Overall, this is a well-balanced relationship and one where they don’t have a problem when it comes to compatibility or chemistry in the relationship.
What may cause a Libra woman and an Aries man to break up?
Libra is the lover, Aries is the fighter, and this energy may be tiring for the both of them after time. The Libra woman can be passive to a fault, and the Aries man who is not evolved, may take advantage of that. She will need to be careful with putting Aries’ needs above her own, creating resentment later down the road. The Aries man loves a challenge, and the Libra woman would be up for that game for a little bit, but if she is not being met in the middle, she will begin to look for other places. These two can have a difficult time keeping the peace in the relationship, and there could be a lot of arguments and disagreements here if they both aren’t willing to put their egos or self-pleasing attitudes to the side.
The Libra woman and Aries man are both more sensitive than they appear or come off as. They are also not necessarily the type to dive deep into their emotions and express them to others, even in their relationships. However, this energy can keep the relationship to a surface level than what is needed to progress and grow the relationship, and a sense of openness is required for this couple to work. Libra needs romance, she wants to be wowed. Aries needs to remember this and to always consider her love language.
Overall, this is a successful pairing. They will have their fair share of challenges in the relationship, but nothing they can’t overcome if they are willing to. The trouble will come in when it comes to the longevity of the relationship, keeping Aries excited and Libra in love. However, all in all, there is more power, attraction, and love to keep this relationship together rather than apart. No relationship is perfect, but this one is a little more blessed than most.
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