Your Guide To Giving Him Prostate Massages & Next-Level Orgasms

Take his orgasm to new heights with the flick of a finger.


"More men should get their bootyhole played with." That's a word to a good friend during a candid girl talk. And though the language is probably not the best for introducing your partner to the idea of giving him a prostate massage, as a cishet woman, I have also come to realize it's sometimes our own colonial ideas around masculinity that keep us from opening the floor for discussions around acts such as giving prostate massages. Or, in some cases, what makes it a difficult topic for men to broach within their partnerships.

For everything men are open to trying during sex, it's very rarely "butt stuff", especially when it comes to their own anus or that vicinity. Despite the fact that their version of the G-spot, called the P-spot, is located in their anus, the approach that most men take is: so what if the prostate massage is the golden gate that unlocks potentially better orgasms?

But I imagine that there are more than enough men who have expressed (whether internally or externally) some curiosity along with their uncertainty, whether it be through sharing fantasies or not totally shutting down when put on the table. At least that it what I have found in my observations during my brief time as a sex educator. I've also noticed that when Black and brown men reach a certain tax bracket, they are less afraid to express fantasies and desires that might otherwise stray from the typical ideals of masculinity. Which makes sense (but is also a different topic for a different day). Nevertheless, where's the fun in life if we're waiting to become the next 50 Cent before we begin to explore our sexuality through new experiences?

So, the only question that remains is, how do you put all your cards on the table while providing a comfortable and safe space for introducing the topic and act of prostate massages?

We spoke with Sex and Pleasure Educator, Luna Matatas for the specifics on prostate massages for Black and brown men who in many instances hold hegemonic views regarding their masculinity and thus their sexuality. While a guide like this might normally dive right in and give you the steps to the actual massage, any sex educator will tell you the communication and consent around any act is the very first step in all actuality. You want to create a safe space because men are deserving of that respect. And ladies, from our own experiences, we know all too well what a difference it makes when comfort and communicativeness are standards held in the bedroom.

Matatas provides a number of ways we can hold space for any and all feelings that might come up while introducing the idea of prostate massages with your partner.

How Can I Introduce A Prostate Massage To My Partner?


  1. Talking about prostate pleasure in a way that is curious, exploratory and doesn't have an end goal, like penetration, can be a good way to hold space for any feelings like shame or guilt we have when talking about pleasure.
  2. Bring up prostate pleasure when talking about other fantasies or sexy things, like G-spots, kissing, massages, sex toys, is a great way to talk about overall erogenous zones on the body. You can talk about ones that are under-explored, like the prostate and erogenous zones that are under-serviced like earlobes and necks or backs. Create a pleasure exploration package of the erogenous zones you might be interested in exploring. Talk about each one in terms of what makes you excited and what makes you anxious or insecure.
  3. Look at sex toys online together and make a list of the toys you're both curious about using on yourselves and each other.
  4. Be upfront, own your uneasiness — we ALL have uneasiness around aspects of sex — body shame, performance anxiety, guilty fantasies. Putting it out there can be an opportunity for a partner to be empathetic, reassuring and share their own uneasiness.
  5. Playing with knuckles and massaging the perineum is a great way to give a gentle massage to the prostate without penetration. This can be done while pleasure is happening to other parts of the body like the penis or testicles.
  6. Last but not least, for the men who might be reading along, playing with your prostate on your own during masturbation is also a great way to get comfortable with what your body does during prostate pleasure, what pressure or stimulation feels good and what doesn't.

How To: Your Ultimate Guide To Giving Someone A Prostate Massage

Now that all the formalities are out the way, let's get into how to give a prostate massage. All of our teenage lives we mastered the art of handjobs and as young adults we've all but been trained up for the blowjob olympics. So how do we weave all of the gems dropped here to deliver on a fire ass (no pun intended) prostate massage? Step by step, Luna Matatas breaks it down for us, here:

Step 1: Get into a comfortable position - try lying on your stomach with a pillow under your pelvis. If you want to be able to watch your partner, lie on your back and prop up your pelvis with a pillow to give a better angle.

Step 2: Stimulate the butthole first - warm up the external nerve endings to relax the anus and the person

Step 3: Go slow, use lots of lube and check in with each other - faster, slower? Harder, softer?

Step 4: Add pleasure to parts of the body that you know enjoy stimulation. (Not all penises get erect during prostate pleasure and not all prostate massages result in ejaculation. It's OK to just enjoy the relaxing sensation, a new way to explore pleasure or prostate play on the way to other types of sexy things.)

Step 5: Use lube and massage the butthole with your thumb or knuckles as if you were pressing it like a doorbell, no pressure to penetrate at this point.

Step 6: When your partner is ready, you can gently slide the tip of the finger in at an angle towards the front of the body (towards the belly button). Straight up penetration can feel jarring, so we want to creep into the butthole from the bottom and then inwards. Picture having your thumb against the butthole and gently bending it inwards with lots of lube.

Step 7: Once inside, you can circle the anal canal gently, check in with your partner, add more lube.

Step 8: Then start to bend your finger towards the anterior part of the anus (think about heading towards the back of the testicles) and gently massage back and forth or in circles until you find an area that feels more sensitive for your partner. For your finger, it might feel firmer. Curve your finger tip towards the front of the body and increase pressure to find the right spot.

Step 9: Prostates like firm and continuous pleasure, so try circles, swiping side to side or light tapping — all in small movements and see which one your partner's body enjoys. Experiment with speed, slow it down and pair it with eye contact, dirty talk or using your other hand to add pleasure somewhere else if that feels good.

The Best Lube For Prostate Massages


Once you've had the dialogue and consent has been provided, you want to put more emphasis on the physical comfort. This is where ensuring that you and your partner are using lubricant comes in.

If you've ever tried anal play without lube, you're well aware that it can be easy to write it off afterwards (understandably so). Anal play without lube can cause the skin to break or tear. And to this Matatas further elaborates by explaining, "The anus isn't self-lubricating, like the vagina, so lube is a must." If you're normal, you might feel overwhelmed by the world of lube readily available on the shelves of the internet (without the guidance of a salesperson), but don't worry Matatas has you covered there as well. She adds, "You want to use a thick and long-lasting lube; silicone lubes are great and so are thick water-based lubes. Don't forget to re-apply during penetration, sometimes we lubricate at the start, but forget to re-apply once we get going! Using lube creates a silky smooth texture in the rectum that makes penetration more pleasureable and less likely to cause damage to the anal tissue."

Now, should you be using toys at any point during the prostate massage, Luna recommends using a water-based lube for silicone toys. However, "If they have a favorite silicone toy and like silicone lube, throw a condom on the toy." I will also add that if you're planning on taking this to the shower at any point, water lube should be switched out for a silicone lube.

Sex Toys For Prostate Massages

If you are, in fact, looking to incorporate toys into the prostate massage that you're providing, according to Matatas, "Check out prostate sex toys — with or without vibration, they are shaped in a way that makes it easy for you or a partner to reach the prostate."

In fact, this might actually be a nice change of pace as she further states, "Prostates also like firm and continuous stimulation - and sometimes fingers can't provide enough firmness or they get tired." Matatas adds, "Smaller, smooth, rounded tip butt plugs with flared bases are great for anyone who is just started to explore anal penetration and can help train the anus to take penetration more easily over time. You can put in a butt plug while your partner is doing other sexy things you already are familiar with like oral or kissing, and this will warm up the anus for more direct prostate play later on."

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

This article is in partnership with Staples.

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