"More men should get their bootyhole played with." That's a word to a good friend during a candid girl talk. And though the language is probably not the best for introducing your partner to the idea of giving him a prostate massage, as a cishet woman, I have also come to realize it's sometimes our own colonial ideas around masculinity that keep us from opening the floor for discussions around acts such as giving prostate massages. Or, in some cases, what makes it a difficult topic for men to broach within their partnerships.
For everything men are open to trying during sex, it's very rarely "butt stuff", especially when it comes to their own anus or that vicinity. Despite the fact that their version of the G-spot, called the P-spot, is located in their anus, the approach that most men take is: so what if the prostate massage is the golden gate that unlocks potentially better orgasms?
But I imagine that there are more than enough men who have expressed (whether internally or externally) some curiosity along with their uncertainty, whether it be through sharing fantasies or not totally shutting down when put on the table. At least that it what I have found in my observations during my brief time as a sex educator. I've also noticed that when Black and brown men reach a certain tax bracket, they are less afraid to express fantasies and desires that might otherwise stray from the typical ideals of masculinity. Which makes sense (but is also a different topic for a different day). Nevertheless, where's the fun in life if we're waiting to become the next 50 Cent before we begin to explore our sexuality through new experiences?
So, the only question that remains is, how do you put all your cards on the table while providing a comfortable and safe space for introducing the topic and act of prostate massages?
We spoke with Sex and Pleasure Educator, Luna Matatas for the specifics on prostate massages for Black and brown men who in many instances hold hegemonic views regarding their masculinity and thus their sexuality. While a guide like this might normally dive right in and give you the steps to the actual massage, any sex educator will tell you the communication and consent around any act is the very first step in all actuality. You want to create a safe space because men are deserving of that respect. And ladies, from our own experiences, we know all too well what a difference it makes when comfort and communicativeness are standards held in the bedroom.
Matatas provides a number of ways we can hold space for any and all feelings that might come up while introducing the idea of prostate massages with your partner.
How Can I Introduce A Prostate Massage To My Partner?
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- Talking about prostate pleasure in a way that is curious, exploratory and doesn't have an end goal, like penetration, can be a good way to hold space for any feelings like shame or guilt we have when talking about pleasure.
- Bring up prostate pleasure when talking about other fantasies or sexy things, like G-spots, kissing, massages, sex toys, is a great way to talk about overall erogenous zones on the body. You can talk about ones that are under-explored, like the prostate and erogenous zones that are under-serviced like earlobes and necks or backs. Create a pleasure exploration package of the erogenous zones you might be interested in exploring. Talk about each one in terms of what makes you excited and what makes you anxious or insecure.
- Look at sex toys online together and make a list of the toys you're both curious about using on yourselves and each other.
- Be upfront, own your uneasiness — we ALL have uneasiness around aspects of sex — body shame, performance anxiety, guilty fantasies. Putting it out there can be an opportunity for a partner to be empathetic, reassuring and share their own uneasiness.
- Playing with knuckles and massaging the perineum is a great way to give a gentle massage to the prostate without penetration. This can be done while pleasure is happening to other parts of the body like the penis or testicles.
- Last but not least, for the men who might be reading along, playing with your prostate on your own during masturbation is also a great way to get comfortable with what your body does during prostate pleasure, what pressure or stimulation feels good and what doesn't.
How To: Your Ultimate Guide To Giving Someone A Prostate Massage
Now that all the formalities are out the way, let's get into how to give a prostate massage. All of our teenage lives we mastered the art of handjobs and as young adults we've all but been trained up for the blowjob olympics. So how do we weave all of the gems dropped here to deliver on a fire ass (no pun intended) prostate massage? Step by step, Luna Matatas breaks it down for us, here:
Step 1: Get into a comfortable position - try lying on your stomach with a pillow under your pelvis. If you want to be able to watch your partner, lie on your back and prop up your pelvis with a pillow to give a better angle.
Step 2: Stimulate the butthole first - warm up the external nerve endings to relax the anus and the person
Step 3: Go slow, use lots of lube and check in with each other - faster, slower? Harder, softer?
Step 4: Add pleasure to parts of the body that you know enjoy stimulation. (Not all penises get erect during prostate pleasure and not all prostate massages result in ejaculation. It's OK to just enjoy the relaxing sensation, a new way to explore pleasure or prostate play on the way to other types of sexy things.)
Step 5: Use lube and massage the butthole with your thumb or knuckles as if you were pressing it like a doorbell, no pressure to penetrate at this point.
Step 6: When your partner is ready, you can gently slide the tip of the finger in at an angle towards the front of the body (towards the belly button). Straight up penetration can feel jarring, so we want to creep into the butthole from the bottom and then inwards. Picture having your thumb against the butthole and gently bending it inwards with lots of lube.
Step 7: Once inside, you can circle the anal canal gently, check in with your partner, add more lube.
Step 8: Then start to bend your finger towards the anterior part of the anus (think about heading towards the back of the testicles) and gently massage back and forth or in circles until you find an area that feels more sensitive for your partner. For your finger, it might feel firmer. Curve your finger tip towards the front of the body and increase pressure to find the right spot.
Step 9: Prostates like firm and continuous pleasure, so try circles, swiping side to side or light tapping — all in small movements and see which one your partner's body enjoys. Experiment with speed, slow it down and pair it with eye contact, dirty talk or using your other hand to add pleasure somewhere else if that feels good.
The Best Lube For Prostate Massages
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Once you've had the dialogue and consent has been provided, you want to put more emphasis on the physical comfort. This is where ensuring that you and your partner are using lubricant comes in.
If you've ever tried anal play without lube, you're well aware that it can be easy to write it off afterwards (understandably so). Anal play without lube can cause the skin to break or tear. And to this Matatas further elaborates by explaining, "The anus isn't self-lubricating, like the vagina, so lube is a must." If you're normal, you might feel overwhelmed by the world of lube readily available on the shelves of the internet (without the guidance of a salesperson), but don't worry Matatas has you covered there as well. She adds, "You want to use a thick and long-lasting lube; silicone lubes are great and so are thick water-based lubes. Don't forget to re-apply during penetration, sometimes we lubricate at the start, but forget to re-apply once we get going! Using lube creates a silky smooth texture in the rectum that makes penetration more pleasureable and less likely to cause damage to the anal tissue."
Now, should you be using toys at any point during the prostate massage, Luna recommends using a water-based lube for silicone toys. However, "If they have a favorite silicone toy and like silicone lube, throw a condom on the toy." I will also add that if you're planning on taking this to the shower at any point, water lube should be switched out for a silicone lube.
Sex Toys For Prostate Massages
If you are, in fact, looking to incorporate toys into the prostate massage that you're providing, according to Matatas, "Check out prostate sex toys — with or without vibration, they are shaped in a way that makes it easy for you or a partner to reach the prostate."
In fact, this might actually be a nice change of pace as she further states, "Prostates also like firm and continuous stimulation - and sometimes fingers can't provide enough firmness or they get tired." Matatas adds, "Smaller, smooth, rounded tip butt plugs with flared bases are great for anyone who is just started to explore anal penetration and can help train the anus to take penetration more easily over time. You can put in a butt plug while your partner is doing other sexy things you already are familiar with like oral or kissing, and this will warm up the anus for more direct prostate play later on."
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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