Quantcast

Question: Do You Enjoy Penises? Or Merely Tolerate Them?

How much thought do you put into penises? My thoughts exactly.

Sex

Uh-huh. I know how some of y'all process information and I'm willing to bet that a few of you were like, "What do you mean, do I enjoy penises? Duh." Umm, let me clarify something, though. What I'm asking isn't so much about if you like sex or not. What I'm saying is are you somewhere in the lane of Shelby from the movies The Best Man and The Best Man Holiday. If you saw the second film, you probably recall when she went on her own mini rant about how great penises are. She said that they are so great that you've got to talk to 'em. Yeah, when I ask if you enjoy penises, I mean are you approaching them…Shelby style. Do you like them just because…they exist.

Several months ago, I wrote an article entitled, "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?" In it, several people shared their feelings on the fact that, while they do enjoy having sex, kissing isn't their favorite thing on the menu. Oftentimes, they merely tolerate doing it more than anything else. That is basically where I'm going on the penis, umm, tip today. When it comes to that particular organ, the reality is there are some of us who are Shelby and then there are some of us who have more of an, "At the end of the day, I accept that it gets me some of what I need" kind of approach.

If you've never really thought about which side of the fence that you're on, but would like some clarity on it all, here are some things that you should ask yourself in order to get to the bottom of things.

1.What Were You Taught About Penises While Growing Up?

media.giphy.com

There's a man by the name of Don Schrader who once said one of my favorite things as it relates to Christians and sexuality. He said, "To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." He's right. It's not like we suddenly become sexual beings on our wedding night; we're born that way. Yet so many of us grew up with the absolute worst sexual education on the planet—if we received any at all. And since our foundation plays a huge role on how we "build" as adults, that's why my first recommendation would be for you to reflect on what you were taught about penises. Was there a discussion about them on any level? Did you only hear about them in biology and anatomy class? Maybe you overheard some grown folks discuss them and that altered your perception. For instance, I recall hearing a woman leader in a church that I sometimes went to tell a group of other ladies that her husband had a big mouth and a small d—k. She then said that most men in leadership roles do. Even at around 14, I was like, "She likes to talk down on her husband. Interesting." Even back then, I took note of that.

Let's say that you never heard anything about penises. How are you supposed to know how to feel about them now? And if you don't know the answer to that, wouldn't it make sense that you would approach them from a flippant and/or disconnected and/or somewhat fearful or shy vantage point? A lot of us don't realize just how much our childhood and adolescence directly influence how we approach things in life. Think back to what you were told about male genitalia. How has that information affected—or maybe even infected—you now?

2.What Was Your First “Sighting” of One?

media.giphy.com

OK, when I speak of the sighting of one, I'm not talking about family members like a brother or something. I mean, when was the first time you experienced one in a sexual setting? You know what they say—first impressions are important. Oftentimes, when we talk about our first time, it's the act itself that we're referencing but seeing someone's genitalia, knowing that it's about to enter into your body can be pretty overwhelming too. For me personally, the first guy that I tried to have sex with (tried because it literally didn't go in when we tried at two different times; in hindsight, I think the universe was intervening) had a penis that was non-threatening. It was clean. He was circumcised (which is all that I knew about). It wasn't huge or anything, so I was game. And I'm glad that it was that way for me because I've got friends who have talked about their first having poor hygiene (like not manicuring their pubic hair), the penile skin being seriously discolored (for which they were ill-prepared) or the penis or scrotum being so big that they were intimidated like a mug. And when that's the case, it really can kind of scar you when it comes to what you think about all penises, moving forward.

So yeah, if you're someone who kind of has the "If I don't have to look at them, I'd rather pass" kind of outlook, reflect a little on your first experience with one. I wouldn't be surprised at all if that had something to do with it.

3.What Do You Like About ‘Em? What Do You Dislike?

media.giphy.com

To piggyback a bit on what I just said, take a moment to really think about penises. If you're already like "eww"—that's a huge sign that you are past merely tolerating them and honestly, that is probably hindering you from having a great sex life. If you're open to thinking deeply, ask yourself what you like about penises and…what you don't. There are some people in my sexual past who had really attractive penises. And they manicured their pubic hair. And they smelled amazing down there. And their scrotum (balls) was nice and smooth. Then there are a couple of guys who, when I think about their genitalia, it kind of makes me feel queasy. Basically, they were the opposite of everything that I just said.

You know, not too long ago, I was talking to a guy I know about vaginas. He was explaining to me that he liked what he and his boys called "chunky ones" but could pass on what they say are "roast beef curtains". If you're not sure what they are talking about, "chunkies" are vaginas that are meaty when it comes to the labia while roast beef curtains are the ones that have a lot of sagging skin. Although he did make sure to end his lil' review with, "That's not gonna stop us from having sex with either one, though." (Yeah. I bet.) Anyway, he went on to say that for a long time, he used to be uncomfortable with "the curtains" because it wasn't aesthetically his preference. And since he relies heavily on visual stimulation, that caused him to not give his all.

The point here? A lot of us don't realize that we are very much so like him. Because we haven't even really processed what we like or don't like about penises, if there is something that turns us off, rather than ponder why, we just go numb and…deal—and the way we are in bed mimics that attitude. Yet the reality is that getting clear on what you like/prefer can help you to understand more of why you feel—or don't feel—the way that you do about penises and quite possibly sex overall; including (giving) oral sex.

And what if you're in a long-term relationship and your partner has some things about his penis that you're not exactly thrilled about? That's a good question. Once you are able to get to the root of what you prefer and what you don't, if it's something that can be adjusted (like pubic hair or scent), that is something worth discussing with him (in the way that you would want him to talk to you if the roles were reversed). If it's something that cannot be changed, try and think of things that you do like. For instance, if oral sex isn't really your thing because you don't like the way your partner's penis looks, the times when you have done it, was there anything that you did enjoy? Maybe his reaction. Perhaps how the sex ended up being afterwards.

I'm telling you, getting to the root of likes and dislikes (and why) can be extremely freeing, even when it comes to penises. And the more liberated you become, the better you'll feel about penises and sex overall.

4.Do You Merely See Penises As a Means to an End?

media.giphy.com

When it comes to relationships, including sexual connections, empathy is always important. Keeping this in mind, how would you feel if your partner looked at your breasts or vagina and only saw them as a way to get off? I mean it. Wouldn't that make you feel kind of cheap and used? One role that our body plays is sexual pleasure. There's no question about that. Still, there's nothing like being with someone who relishes in everything about us, from head to toe, simply because they find it to be wonderful and amazing.

Growing up, I oftentimes heard, from pretty much most of the women in my life, that women's bodies were beautiful while men's bodies—especially when it came to their genitalia—was just alright, at best. Me? I personally don't feel that way. While I have seen some physiques—and genitalia—that are far more stunning than others, I adore the way a man's body is made. Penises included. And because of that, being in the presence of one isn't just about how it can give me an orgasm. It's about appreciating that it is a part of the man who I appreciate, period. And so, I will treat it as such. Not just a means to an end but something that helps to make the man I enjoy who he is. Again, period.

5.What Can Your Partner Do to Make You Feel More Comfortable?

media.giphy.com

Even after taking in all that I just said, if you're like, "Shellie, I get what you're saying in theory but I'm still not really feeling 'em", if you are in a relationship right now, ask yourself what your partner can do to help you become more comfortable. For instance, if you've always pretty much disliked penises and so you've preferred having sex in the dark to avoid taking a look, maybe a romantic setting would help. Start getting used to his penis more with the help of candlelight. I'm telling you, certain topics are so taboo that the reason why we can't move past our issues/challenges/opinions is because we're not really offered up suggestions on how to do so.

Listen, if you've got a partner who truly cares about you and wants you to feel better about all-things-sex, he will be open to hearing you out and helping you out. Be gentle. Be kind. Yet be honest in your delivery. With a little patience and the willingness to be open-minded, you might discover that you've got more "Shelby" in you than you thought. And boy, watch what that does for your sex life, should that be the case. Penises are cool. Better than that. Once you get to know them in a more up close and personal way, that is. Try it. You might go from tolerating 'em to really, REALLY liking them. #wink

Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.

Featured image by Shutterstock

We all know what it is to love, be loved, or be in love – or at least we think we do. But what would you say if I were to tell you that so much of the love that you thought you’d been in was actually a little thing called limerence? No, it doesn’t sound as romantic – and it’s not – unless you’re into the whole Obsessed-type of love. But one might say at least one side of that dynamic might be…thrilling.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Idris Elba and Sabrina Dhowre Elba are gearing up for the second season of their podcast Coupledom where they interview partners in business and/or romance. The stunning couple has been married for three years but they have been together for a total of six years. During that time, they have developed many partnerships but quickly learned that working together isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

Keep reading...Show less

Before she was Amira Unplugged, rapper, singer, and a Becoming a Popstar contestant on MTV, she was Amira Daughtery, a twenty-five year-old Georgian, with aspirations of becoming a lawyer. “I thought my career path was going to lead me to law because that’s the way I thought I would help people,” Amira tells xoNecole. “[But] I always came back to music.”

A music lover since childhood, Amira grew up in an artistic household where passion for music was emphasized. “My dad has always been my huge inspiration for music because he’s a musician himself and is so passionate about the history of music.” Amira’s also dealt with deafness in one ear since she was a toddler, a condition which she says only makes her more “intentional” about the music she makes, to ensure that what she hears inside her head can translate the way she wants it to for audiences.

“The loss of hearing means a person can’t experience music in the conventional way,” she says. “I’ve always responded to bigger, bolder anthemic songs because I can feel them [the vibrations] in my body, and I want to be sure my music does this for deaf/HOH people and everyone.”

A Black woman wearing a black hijab and black and gold dress stands in between two men who are both wearing black pants and colorful jackets and necklaces

Amira Unplugged and other contestants on Becoming a Popstar

Amira Unplugged / MTV

In order to lift people’s spirits at the beginning of the pandemic, Amira began posting videos on TikTok of herself singing and using sign language so her music could reach her deaf fans as well. She was surprised by how quickly she was able to amass a large audience. It was through her videos that she caught the attention of a talent scout for MTV’s new music competition show for rising TikTok singers, Becoming a Popstar. After a three-month process, Amira was one of those picked to be a contestant on the show.

Becoming a Popstar, as Amira describes, is different from other music competition shows we’ve all come to know over the years. “Well, first of all, it’s all original music. There’s not a single cover,” she says. “We have to write these songs in like a day or two and then meet with our producers, meet with our directors. Every week, we are producing a full project for people to vote on and decide if they’d listen to it on the radio.”

To make sure her deaf/HOH audiences can feel her songs, she makes sure to “add more bass, guitar, and violin in unique patterns.” She also incorporates “higher pitch sounds with like chimes, bells, and piccolo,” because, she says, they’re easier to feel. “But it’s less about the kind of instrument and more about how I arrange the pattern of the song. Everything I do is to create an atmosphere, a sensation, to make my music a multi-sensory experience.”

She says that working alongside the judges–pop stars Joe Jonas and Becky G, and choreographer Sean Bankhead – has helped expand her artistry. “Joe was really more about the vocal quality and the timber and Becky was really about the passion of [the song] and being convinced this was something you believed in,” she says. “And what was really great about [our choreographer] Sean is that obviously he’s a choreographer to the stars – Lil Nas X, Normani – but he didn’t only focus on choreo, he focused on stage presence, he focused on the overall message of the song. And I think all those critiques week to week helped us hone in on what we wanted to be saying with our next song.”

As her star rises, it’s been both her Muslim faith and her friends, whom she calls “The Glasses Gang” (“because none of us can see!”), that continue to ground her. “The Muslim and the Muslima community have really gone hard [supporting me] and all these people have come together and I truly appreciate them,” Amira says. “I have just been flooded with DMs and emails and texts from [young muslim kids] people who have just been so inspired,” she says. “People who have said they have never seen anything like this, that I embody a lot of the style that they wanted to see and that the message hit them, which is really the most important thing to me.”

A Black woman wears a long, salmon pink hijab, black outfit and pink boots, smiling down at the camera with her arm outstretched to it.

Amira Unplugged

Amira Unplugged / MTV

Throughout the show’s production, she was able to continue to uphold her faith practices with the help of the crew, such as making sure her food was halal, having time to pray, dressing modestly, and working with female choreographers. “If people can accept this, can learn, and can grow, and bring more people into the fold of this industry, then I’m making a real difference,” she says.

Though she didn’t win the competition, this is only the beginning for Amira. Whether it’s on Becoming a Popstar or her videos online, Amira has made it clear she has no plans on going anywhere but up. “I’m so excited that I’ve gotten this opportunity because this is really, truly what I think I’m meant to do.”

Today is Malcolm X’s birthday. As an icon of Black liberation movements, his words are often rallying cries and guideposts in struggle. In 2020, after the officers who executed Breonna Taylor were not charged with her murder, my timeline was flooded with people reposting Malcolm’s famous quote: “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman.”

Keep reading...Show less

As her fame continues to rise, Tiffany Haddish has remained a positive light for her fans with her infectious smile and relatable story. Since Girls Trip, fans have witnessed the comedian become a modern-day Cinderella due to the many opportunities that have come her way and the recognition she began to receive.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Exclusive: Jay Ellis Shares ‘Full-Circle’ Moment With His Parents & His Self-Care Ritual

Staying grounded is one of the actor's biggest priorities.

Latest Posts