Question: Do You Enjoy Penises? Or Merely Tolerate Them?
Uh-huh. I know how some of y'all process information and I'm willing to bet that a few of you were like, "What do you mean, do I enjoy penises? Duh." Umm, let me clarify something, though. What I'm asking isn't so much about if you like sex or not. What I'm saying is are you somewhere in the lane of Shelby from the movies The Best Man and The Best Man Holiday. If you saw the second film, you probably recall when she went on her own mini rant about how great penises are. She said that they are so great that you've got to talk to 'em. Yeah, when I ask if you enjoy penises, I mean are you approaching them…Shelby style. Do you like them just because…they exist.
Several months ago, I wrote an article entitled, "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?" In it, several people shared their feelings on the fact that, while they do enjoy having sex, kissing isn't their favorite thing on the menu. Oftentimes, they merely tolerate doing it more than anything else. That is basically where I'm going on the penis, umm, tip today. When it comes to that particular organ, the reality is there are some of us who are Shelby and then there are some of us who have more of an, "At the end of the day, I accept that it gets me some of what I need" kind of approach.
If you've never really thought about which side of the fence that you're on, but would like some clarity on it all, here are some things that you should ask yourself in order to get to the bottom of things.
1.What Were You Taught About Penises While Growing Up?
There's a man by the name of Don Schrader who once said one of my favorite things as it relates to Christians and sexuality. He said, "To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs, and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." He's right. It's not like we suddenly become sexual beings on our wedding night; we're born that way. Yet so many of us grew up with the absolute worst sexual education on the planet—if we received any at all. And since our foundation plays a huge role in how we "build" as adults, that's why my first recommendation would be for you to reflect on what you were taught about penises.
Was there a discussion about them on any level? Did you only hear about them in biology and anatomy class? Maybe you overheard some grown folks discuss them and that altered your perception. For instance, I recall hearing a woman leader in a church that I sometimes went to tell a group of other ladies that her husband had a big mouth and a small d—k. She then said that most men in leadership roles do. Even at around 14, I was like, "She likes to talk down on her husband. Interesting." Even back then, I took note of that.
Let's say that you never heard anything about penises. How are you supposed to know how to feel about them now? And if you don't know the answer to that, wouldn't it make sense that you would approach them from a flippant and/or disconnected and/or somewhat fearful or shy vantage point? A lot of us don't realize just how much our childhood and adolescence directly influence how we approach things in life. Think back to what you were told about male genitalia. How has that information affected—or maybe even infected—you now?
2.What Was Your First “Sighting” of One?
OK, when I speak of the sighting of one, I'm not talking about family members like a brother or something. I mean, when was the first time you experienced one in a sexual setting? You know what they say—first impressions are important. Oftentimes, when we talk about our first time, it's the act itself that we're referencing but seeing someone's genitalia, knowing that it's about to enter into your body can be pretty overwhelming too. For me personally, the first guy that I tried to have sex with (tried because it literally didn't go in when we tried at two different times; in hindsight, I think the universe was intervening) had a penis that was non-threatening.
It was clean. He was circumcised (which is all that I knew about). It wasn't huge or anything, so I was game. And I'm glad that it was that way for me because I've got friends who have talked about their first having poor hygiene (like not manicuring their pubic hair), the penile skin being seriously discolored (for which they were ill-prepared) or the penis or scrotum being so big that they were intimidated like a mug. And when that's the case, it really can kind of scar you when it comes to what you think about all penises, moving forward.
So yeah, if you're someone who kind of has the "If I don't have to look at them, I'd rather pass" kind of outlook, reflect a little on your first experience with one. I wouldn't be surprised at all if that had something to do with it.
3.What Do You Like About ‘Em? What Do You Dislike?
To piggyback a bit on what I just said, take a moment to really think about penises. If you're already like "eww"—that's a huge sign that you are past merely tolerating them and honestly, that is probably hindering you from having a great sex life. If you're open to thinking deeply, ask yourself what you like about penises and…what you don't. There are some people in my sexual past who had really attractive penises. And they manicured their pubic hair. And they smelled amazing down there. And their scrotum (balls) was nice and smooth. Then there are a couple of guys who, when I think about their genitalia, it kind of makes me feel queasy. Basically, they were the opposite of everything that I just said.
You know, not too long ago, I was talking to a guy I know about vaginas. He was explaining to me that he liked what he and his boys called "chunky ones" but could pass on what they say are "roast beef curtains". If you're not sure what they are talking about, "chunkies" are vaginas that are meaty when it comes to the labia while roast beef curtains are the ones that have a lot of sagging skin. Although he did make sure to end his lil' review with, "That's not gonna stop us from having sex with either one, though." (Yeah. I bet.) Anyway, he went on to say that for a long time, he used to be uncomfortable with "the curtains" because it wasn't aesthetically his preference. And since he relies heavily on visual stimulation, that caused him to not give his all.
The point here? A lot of us don't realize that we are very much so like him. Because we haven't even really processed what we like or don't like about penises if there is something that turns us off, rather than ponder why, we just go numb and…deal—and the way we are in bed mimics that attitude. Yet the reality is that getting clear on what you like/prefer can help you to understand more of why you feel—or don't feel—the way that you do about penises and quite possibly sex overall; including (giving) oral sex.
And what if you're in a long-term relationship and your partner has some things about his penis that you're not exactly thrilled about? That's a good question. Once you are able to get to the root of what you prefer and what you don't, if it's something that can be adjusted (like pubic hair or scent), that is something worth discussing with him (in the way that you would want him to talk to you if the roles were reversed). If it's something that cannot be changed, try and think of things that you do like. For instance, if oral sex isn't really your thing because you don't like the way your partner's penis looks, the times when you have done it, was there anything that you did enjoy? Maybe his reaction. Perhaps how the sex ended up being afterward.
I'm telling you, getting to the root of likes and dislikes (and why) can be extremely freeing, even when it comes to penises. And the more liberated you become, the better you'll feel about penises and sex overall.
4.Do You Merely See Penises As a Means to an End?
When it comes to relationships, including sexual connections, empathy is always important. Keeping this in mind, how would you feel if your partner looked at your breasts or vagina and only saw them as a way to get off? I mean it. Wouldn't that make you feel kind of cheap and used? One role that our body plays is sexual pleasure. There's no question about that. Still, there's nothing like being with someone who relishes in everything about us, from head to toe, simply because they find it to be wonderful and amazing.
Growing up, I oftentimes heard, from pretty much most of the women in my life, that women's bodies were beautiful while men's bodies—especially when it came to their genitalia—was just alright, at best. Me? I personally don't feel that way. While I have seen some physiques—and genitalia—that are far more stunning than others, I adore the way a man's body is made. Penises included. And because of that, being in the presence of one isn't just about how it can give me an orgasm. It's about appreciating that it is a part of the man who I appreciate, period. And so, I will treat it as such. Not just a means to an end but something that helps to make the man I enjoy who he is. Again, period.
5.What Can Your Partner Do to Make You Feel More Comfortable?
Even after taking in all that I just said, if you're like, "Shellie, I get what you're saying in theory but I'm still not really feeling 'em", if you are in a relationship right now, ask yourself what your partner can do to help you become more comfortable. For instance, if you've always pretty much disliked penises and so you've preferred having sex in the dark to avoid taking a look, maybe a romantic setting would help. Start getting used to his penis more with the help of candlelight. I'm telling you, certain topics are so taboo that the reason why we can't move past our issues/challenges/opinions is because we're not really offered up suggestions on how to do so.
Listen, if you've got a partner who truly cares about you and wants you to feel better about all-things-sex, he will be open to hearing you out and helping you out. Be gentle. Be kind. Yet be honest in your delivery. With a little patience and the willingness to be open-minded, you might discover that you've got more "Shelby" in you than you thought. And boy, watch what that does for your sex life, should that be the case. Penises are cool. Better than that. Once you get to know them in a more up close and personal way, that is. Try it. You might go from tolerating 'em to really, REALLY liking them. #wink
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images