

Hmm. How do I start this off? Let's begin with a woman I used to know who, since she was old enough to kiss, she absolutely loathed it. Since I'm someone who is the total opposite, I never got where she was coming from, especially since, once she started having sex, she was all about doing that. At first, I thought this rainbow unicorn felt that way because perhaps her first experience sucked (according to her, it didn't). My next thought—and forgive me for going dark for a moment—was, because we are both survivors of sexual abuse, maybe PTSD-related childhood trauma had something to do with it. She's a pretty self-aware individual. She said that wasn't it either. According to her, "kissing just isn't my thing". But how could that be? For several years, I chalked her up to just being an intimacy anomaly and (tried to) let it go.
But while I was working with a ministry that got people off of and out of porn, while I was the teen mom director for the local branch of a national non-profit and also since I've become a marriage life coach, to my surprise-borderline-shock, I've met many people who are just like the woman I just mentioned. Although they are all about copulation and all of the fun that comes along with it, and also while many of them are in quite functional relationships, if there's one thing that they can totally-and-unapologetically do without, it's K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Really? Wow.
In the effort to figure out what this semi-underground-movement is all about, I decided to do a little bit of investigating. I'll share with you what I discovered (via some research and a few "please leave my name out of it" interviews). But if you're someone who also hates to kiss—or you're in a relationship with someone who feels this way—I'd like to hear your thoughts (in the comment section) on this, what I considered to be, really layered and surprising phenomenon too.
Kissing Is Dope...Isn’t It?
From my observation, whenever we sit down to recall our first kiss, it typically comes with two stories. There's the kiss you got when you were probably in elementary school and no one knew what the hell they were doing. Then there's the, somewhere in high school kiss, that has the potential to make-or-break your feelings (at least at the time). My first was this blonde white boy who lined all of the girls up in his first grade class along a fence and kissed us. Whatever. My second was this Black guy, who basically thought he was God's gift to women, who kissed me against a tree. It was horrible. Man, if I could imagine what a dish feels like in the rinse cycle of a dishwasher, that kiss nailed it (he was also a complete ass afterwards but that's another story for another time). He really could've ruined kissing for me, but I think because I was always a curious person when it came to almost all things sexually-related, that's why I didn't give up. It's kind of like when I think back to my personally chosen first time (because again, I was sexually abused, so my actual first sexual experiences weren't my choice). It wasn't super bad or super great, but I kept at it because, from what I saw in movies and heard from others, there had to be more to sex than what I had experienced.
I must say that I'm glad I stuck with it because, over the years, I've had some phenomenal kissing experiences. Top notch. Truly wonderful. Has-even-resulted-in-orgasms smooches. To me, kissing is erotic. Kissing is comforting. Kissing finds a way to convey things that can't be expressed with words or even any other kind of act. Yeah, kissing is bar none dope.
That doesn't mean that, if I choose to think really hard, I don't also get that it can be a little bit gross too. For starters, our mouths are the dirtiest parts of our body. Plus, let's not act like we're not literally "swapping spit" with another individual whenever we do it (ironically, drool is one of the words that makes my skin crawl). And, if you and your kissing partner aren't in sync, it's almost like you'd prefer to clean a toilet than to continue. But since, to me, the good kisses far outweigh the bad ones, I've never gotten to the point where I'm not down to do it. I mean, coming to that kind of resolve is just crazy…right? According to what I've learned on the internets, actually…it isn't.
Take this study that I read on kissing, for example.
After surveying 168 different cultures, only 46 percent of them kissed with 45 percent of the North American cultures choosing not to kiss at all. The reasons why? It was because they either found kissing to be gross or unpleasant.
Instead, they opted for the alternative known as the oceanic kiss. Ever heard of it? It's when two people stand really close to one another's faces and breathe deeply without allowing their mouths to ever touch (I don't know if that's sexy or infuriating, to tell you the truth). Does any culture actually enjoy kissing? Actually, yes. According to the study, Indonesia, Spain and South Africa dug kissing a lot, although PDA is mostly frowned upon.
Anyway, since 45 percent of Americans are good without kissing and I am indeed an American, I decided to see what else I could find out about how folks feel about kissing on this side of the world. You can always count on a Reddit thread to provide some interesting insights. On the thread "How many of you ladies don't like kissing, or didn't like kissing. If it's now enjoyable, what changed?", I read quite a bit about women who loved or hated kissing based on how they felt about their partner at the time, along with women who enjoyed lip contact but totally wanted to keep tongues out of it and, women who, although they can't quite put their finger on it, are aggravated with kissing. That made me want to ask some people even closer to home about their thoughts. It was intriguing to say the least. I've included their perspective on why they prefer not to kiss below. (Most of their names have been changed, mostly because some of their partners do not know what they decided to share with us.)
5 People Share Why They Hate Kissing
Melissa. Married. 29. "You know how people talk about 'faking it' when it comes to orgasms? I don't know what it is, but while I would never do that, I fake it all of the time with my husband when it comes to kissing. I like his lips a lot, but his tongue always feels awkward. Like a lizard that's trying to dart in and out of my mouth. It's not that he's a bad kisser…well, I don't know because I've never really liked doing it. I always feel like it's such a waste of time. Can we just get on with it, please? Yeah, I've never told him that, so definitely don't use my real name."
Jackson. Single. 35. "If you've ever been told that guys can have sex with a woman and never kiss her, you've been told the truth. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out what's up with that. I think it's because we can put a condom on our dick. When you're kissing, you're all out there…exposed. It's vulnerable and intimate and a lot of us don't want to be that with just anyone. For me, kissing means I'm really into you. Sometimes sex is just a release. That's why I wouldn't really say that I 'hate kissing' so much as I've had more sex without kissing than with it. If I want to cum, I don't need to kiss. If I want to be close to someone, I'll kiss her. Some may be triggered by that, but a lot of guys feel the exact same way."
Eric. Single. 25. "Yeah, I'm not a kissing fan. Mostly because a lot of women go in assuming that they know how to kiss. I do like to kiss all over a woman. I like even giving head. But mouths just always felt wet and weird to me. It hasn't really prevented anything that I've wanted to happen to happen so, I don't ever really give it any thought."
Taylor. Single. 27. "It's not necessarily that I think kissing is nasty. For me, it's all about chemistry. There are some people I enjoy kissing, but it's rare. It's only been two so far. I liked it with them because of the way their mouth felt with my mouth. It wasn't too aggressive. It wasn't too soft either. I don't quite know how to explain it. It just felt…good. Kissing annoys [me] because…I need to go at the same pace and when I can't match you, I'm not feeling that. Also, I don't see the point in kissing and that's it."
"Kissing revs me up and I don't want to be revved up for no reason. To just be kissing without it leading to more, it kind of makes me feel angry and unfulfilled. I think that kissing should be a precursor to something. It's like, starting a car. Once you turn the engine, what else are we gonna do. Just sit here?"
Tanya. Divorced. 41. "I hate kissing because, it's just nasty. Say what you will but all of that spit is just gross. I don't know why people think that it's OK to have a preference when it comes to sex positions or erogenous zones, but if someone doesn't like kissing, somehow, they are breaking some sort of sexual cardinal rule. Believe it or not, yes, you can be very intimate with someone without their tongue being rammed down your throat. Pecks are fine. Tongues are not. A lot of my partners have felt the same way. There are definitely more of us 'non-kissers' around than you might think, girl."
Tanya is right. There are clearly a lot of folks who have active sex lives who are just fine without kissing, thank you very much. And while the reasons certainly run the gamut, I'll be the first to say that the stance is common enough that it should no longer be seen or treated as "odd" or "strange", including by me. At the end of the day, like everything else related to sex and intimacy, kissing is a preference, not a requirement or a given. And many people are just fine with that. Full stop, chile. Full stop.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Pack A Travel Case With These 12 Items For Amazing 'Summer Vacation Sex'
It’s kind of funny that while I’m literally in the process of writing this article, the Los Angeles Times published “How to get lucky on your family vacation” hours prior. LOL. Although this year marks a bit of a dip in the amount of Americans who plan on taking a summer vacation (because this administration ain’t making coin-keeping easy, y’all) — it’s still being reported that around 53 percent will do so in the name of rest, relaxation and spending quality time with their loved ones.
And for many, the loved ones category absolutely includes their bae. And if that is the case, that probably means that sex is somewhere on the menu.
Yep. I actually read one survey (that consisted of 2,000 people) that said folks tend to have twice as much sex while they are on vacation than they do when they’re at home. It makes sense too when you factor in that you have less to do (unless you’re traveling with those folks who act like you need an itinerary for every damn thing — and we all know one…SMDH), which makes you less stressed out, which makes it easier to feel sexy and to want to get sexual.
And so, in the spirit of that indeed being the case, I want to make sure that you carve out a corner of your suitcase or carry-on to include at least half of the following 12 things that are on this list — things that can help to make “summer vacation sex”…that much hotter, y’all.
1. Edible-Grade Sunscreen
It can’t be said enough that, no matter how melanated you may be, your skin needs sunscreen. Not only to protect yourself from the risk of skin cancer (which 1 in 5 Americans will get in their lifetime) but from premature aging that can come from sun damage too. That said, if the urge arises to have sex outside somewhere, I did find some edible-grade sunscreen, in case you’re either worried about what sex in the sun will do to your skin or how all of the chemicals in sunscreen will affect your (digestive) system. The company is called Sky & Sol and you can read up on them here.
2. Flavored Lip Balm
If you’ve ever wondered why your lips are so susceptible to being chapped, it’s because they don’t contain any oil glans to keep them moisturized. This is especially important to keep in mind when the weather is extremely cold or hot because that can do a real number on the sensitive skin that your lips are made out of. That’s why it’s essential to stay well-hydrated and to also keep some lip balm in tow. Lip balm is especially designed to moisturize your lips, reduce chapping, exfoliate, soothe irritation and protect your lips from UV damage. As a bonus, lip balm will also help to keep your lips super soft and kissable; especially if you get the flavored kind. #wink
3. Condoms
I’m still out here, literally shaking my damn head, that reportedly, only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms (and even many of those folks don’t do it consistently). It can’t be said enough that if you’re not in a monogamous (married) or exclusive (dating) relationship where you both are getting regularly tested and are on some other form of birth control (unless you want to get pregnant) — you absolutely should be using condoms and, as a woman, you should not solely rely on your partner to have some that are ready and available.
Not just because you should be responsible for your body and health but because not all condoms are made equal, so you should bring along some that you prefer/enjoy. If you’d like a lil’ help picking those out, check out “These Are The Kinds Of Condoms Your Vagina Would Actually Prefer.”
4. Crotchless Swimsuit
Packing some sexy lingerie? I certainly hope that goes without saying. If you’ve got a hot tub around, though and you want to “get it in” without getting totally naked (so that nosey people won’t see every damn thing), you do know that there are some crotchless swimsuits out in these streets, right? An example of one is here. Of course, you can always do what Beyoncé said in “Drunk in Love” and just move ish over to the side but…I’m just giving you another creative option…if you wanted one.
5. Blindfolds
If you’d like to cultivate an atmosphere of mystery or anticipation, a simple blindfold will do the trick. There is another reason why I think they are great for summer vacation (sex) trips, though — if your hotel room doesn’t come with blackout curtains and you want to have a quickie or two without the room being so bright, putting on a blindfold can solve that “problem” too.
6. Waterproof Sex Toys
Who said that you have to wait until you get to your hotel room to engage in some foreplay? If you bring a couple of sex toys around, you can tease each other practically anywhere — and if they are waterproof, that includes in the ocean or pool. Some, you can pair up with your smartphone in order to stimulate your partner from just about anywhere. Whew, chile.
7. Homemade Sex Toys Too
Speaking of sex toys, you’d probably be amazed at how many things in your house can double up as one. A spatula or wooden spoon is great for spanking. A necktie, some tights and a pair of clothespins work well for BDSM (use your imagination, sis). An electronic toothbrush is its own vibrator. A string of (lubricated) pearls in between your thighs? Girrrl…GIRL. Oh, and cop a silicone ice tray that comes in different shapes.
When you are rubbing ice in the shape of fruit, flowers or even animals over each other’s bodies, you’ll be surprised by how the combination of the cold with the texture of the space of the ice will stimulate you (make the ice out of juice instead of water for an extra sweet treat!).
8. Portable Charger
I don’t know what took me so long to get a damn portable charger but it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. What I personally purchased is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W High-Speed Portable Charger. I can throw it in my purse, it charges fast, I can use more than once before needing to recharge it; plus, it complements most devices. A great thing to keep in mind, so that your sex toys don’t end up going out on you while you’re…wherever you are.
9. Massage Oil Candle
Going through security at the airport can be a HEADACHE. And while, how long it can take, oftentimes varies on the airport you’re at and the time you are traveling (you can read more about that here), the process is going to be especially annoying if they have to go through your bags. Since you can currently only pack a quarter-sized bag of liquid products on your carry-on, my two cents would be to leave the massage oil at home and pack a massage oil candle instead.
That way, you can still engage in some temperature play (check out “Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom”) while you’re on the road without going through any security hassle hang-ups. Some edible massage oil candles are located right here.
10. Wine Cooler Sleeve
Say that you end up going on a wine tasting tour while you’re on vacation and you end up purchasing a bottle or you simply want to toast with some champagne but you’re not sure how to store the bottle. Did you know that there are wine cooler sleeves that are lightweight, portable and will help to keep your bottles cold without condensation for hours on end? A brand that comes highly recommended is here.
11. Rose Petals
I think there are a few reasons why rose petals are oftentimes used to create a sexy mood. Red symbolizes love and passion. Rose petals are soft to the touch. The scent of them is considered to be an aphrodisiac as well. For all of these reasons, bring along some fresh rose petals for your hotel bed. If you put a damp paper towel in something like a small Tupperware container and then place the rose petals inside of that, they won’t dry out quickly which will make them feel great once you’re ready to start rolling around in them (you can also keep them in your hotel room’s fridge to further extend their shelf life).
12. Mints
Morning sex. Outdoor sex. Whatever kind of sex — it’s always going to be better when your breath and his smell good. And just so you don’t have to lug around a big bottle of mouthwash, pack some mints. Altoids are always going to be my number one draft pick — yet go with whatever are your personal faves. They’re the perfect hack for unbelievable summer vacation sex. Wouldn’t you agree? Enjoy!
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