Bored All Of The Time? Here's What's Really Going On.
Anyone who has kids (or spends a lot of time around them) knows that there comes a time — usually at least a couple of times a week — when, out of nowhere, they will say, almost at a whiny pitch, "I'm bored." What's a trip about it is, if they are above the age of five and you ask them why, more times than not, they have absolutely no clue. All they know is things feel dull and tedious and they think it's up to you to figure out how to make their world more exciting again.
The interesting thing about boredom? It isn't something that folks grow out of. And personally, something that I've noticed is it's a feeling that many creatives and folks in long-term relationships tend to encounter quite a bit. And, like children, sometimes adults don't really get what the root cause of their own boredom is either. The problem with that is, if the feeling goes on for too long, they could find some not-the-best-idea ways to fill the void.
So, let's tackle this today, y'all. If you (or someone you know) seem to experience boredom, more than just sporadically, perhaps these following points can help you to get to the root of what keeps bringing you to that space.
1.Do You Know Your Purpose?
Ask anyone who is clear that they are operating within their purpose and they will probably vouch for the fact that while there are days that some of the work that's required to reach a particular goal may be taxing or also while there may be times when they feel completely overwhelmed, it's damn near impossible to function within the framework of what you were created to do and feel bored at the same time. I can speak from personal experience that since I've been walking out my own purpose in life, I can't tell you the last time "bored" was a word that I've used.
So yeah, let's begin there. Do you know what your purpose is? If not, don't feel bad. A lot of people don't. I mean, A LOT of folks. How do you begin figuring out what yours is? What makes you happiest? What would you do, even if you couldn't get paid a lot for it? What complements your natural gifts and abilities the most? What could you die doing, knowing that you made a real contribution to this world? What does it feel like you were literally put on this planet to do? What brings your mind, body and spirit and collective sense of peace?
It's my belief that folks who aren't in their purpose tend to do some of the most reckless and nonsensical stuff in order to fill the void. After all, purpose is powerful. Once you know what yours is, it can keep you pretty preoccupied as a direct result. That's why I thought that this point was a really wise place to start (check out "5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose" when you get a chance too). If you don't know what your purpose is, it's almost a given that boredom would result from that.
2.Are You an Adrenaline Junkie?
Here's the deal. Whenever you feel excited or afraid, there is a hormone that's released within your blood called adrenaline. Whenever that happens, your heart rate increases, your blood rate goes up, your breathing intensifies and you also feel a burst of energy. Some people like this feeling so much that they intentionally seek out activities that will make them feel this way — skydiving, ziplining, extreme sports, etc. It's believed by some mental health experts that this could also cause some folks to take up professions like law enforcement, firefighting and stunt work (because they also can give folks a similar rush). A nickname that a lot of these kinds of people get is adrenaline junkie.
While there is certainly nothing wrong with being an adrenaline junkie in theory, something that I am big on is balance and something that adulthood teaches us is that life isn't always gonna be thrills and spins. Sometimes, it's the tedious stuff that helps us to make the most progress. That said, you don't have enough time and I don't have enough writing space to get into the fact that some folks don't even know how to hold down a relationship unless they are creating situations that cultivate lots of excitement or plenty of drama; that is the kind of adrenaline highs that they seek. SMDH. Anyway, if you feel bored a lot, asking yourself if you are close to being addicted to experiencing adrenaline rushes could connect a few dots for you.
3.Do You Expect “Outside Sources” to Entertain You All of the Time?
Recently, I spent some time with my goddaughters. The older one is 10. Her younger sister is two. I won't lie, to a certain extent, both of them seem to think that it's the adults' job to constantly entertain them; however, as I mentioned in the intro, we expect this from kids, right? They are still learning how to be their own friend and enjoy their own company.
Do you see where I am going with this? While I do think that extroverts probably struggle with this particular point a lot more an introverts and even ambiverts do, if you're someone who can't deal with the stillness of being alone or you're not able to enjoy doing things unless you've got a ton of people around you, you might wanna do some self-love journaling to figure out why that is the case. At the end of the day, it's not healthy to always feel like you need people always around you in order to function. If that is personally the case, chances are, there is something else going on, within, that needs to be addressed.
4.Are You Not Very Self-Aware?
Now here's one that you might not have seen coming. How in the world can a lack of self-awareness (check out "These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily") play a direct role in how bored a person can end up being? The bottom line here is self-aware people know themselves pretty darn well. This doesn't just manifest in the sense of them being able to take responsibility for their actions, them being able to understand what they are feeling when they are feeling certain things and also being able to live in reality, it also means they know what fulfills them and also what makes them tick.
I'm an ambivert. I know this about myself. I also really like being alone at home. The rare moments when I do get bored, I know it's because I've gotten caught up in a routine that needs a little bit of breaking up. That's also what I know about myself. Something as simple as watching a movie, trying a new food or catching up on the phone with someone I haven't spoken with in a while can be all that I need. I know this because I've worked pretty hard to figure my own self out.
So yeah, if you're constantly feeling bored, ask yourself if you're in touch with what it means to be self-aware and if you actually know what your internal and external needs are. Being in touch with yourself, on a deep and profound level, can also help you to stay on top of what could cause you to fall into a boredom slump.
5.Do You Drink or Smoke Weed a Lot?
Science has a lot of data to support the fact that when we're intoxicated, it can cause our brain to experience euphoria and/or excitement and/or confusion. The THC that's in marijuana can also produce a euphoric effect. While having a few drinks or lighting up one or two sometimes isn't a real cause for alarm, what you do need to be careful of is if you're relying on alcohol or weed (or both) to keep you from feeling bored. And if that is indeed the case…why so?
While my dad was alive, he was an on-again-off-again substance abuser. A big part of it is because his parents weren't very supportive when it came to his natural gift for football or music as he was growing up. And so, he drank and drugged his pain away. He also used it to pass the time because he was bored because he wasn't living out his full purpose (see how that works?). While this might be an extreme explanation for how boredom occurs, if you drink and/or smoke daily, it's definitely not something to simply sweep under the rug. It could be what you're using to "feel something" too.
6.Does Your Life Consist of Short- and Long-Term Goals?
Former football coach Lou Holtz once said, "If you're bored with life – you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don't have enough goals." Welp. That about sums this particular point up. A great definition of a goal is "the result or achievement toward which effort is directed". A friend of mine and I sometimes discuss a friend that they have who lives life with absolutely no goals. At almost 40, this man has no steady employment, lives in someone's basement and owes all kinds of child support. At the same time, he's smart, witty and has a degree. Why doesn't he have is a set of goals? While growing up, charm got him so far that he never really focused on being ambitious. As a direct result, he spends a lot of time either feeling like he has no direction or being so bored out of his mind that he does stupid stuff (like sleeping around with random strangers or wasting money on alcohol) to pass the time.
Is he an extreme example of what having no goals will do? Perhaps. Still, if you're someone who doesn't have some clear goals for yourself, definitely allow him to serve as a cautionary tale in your life.
Short-term goals (goals that can be achieved within a 12-month time frame) are proven to give you focus, boost your self-esteem, inspire and motivate you and break bad habits like procrastination. Long-term goals can get you more excited about life, help you to make big changes in your world and strengthen your abilities and level of patience.
It's damn near impossible to not progress in life without goals. And you're sure to find yourself bored, more times than not, if you don't have some short- and long-term ones set in place too.
7.When’s the Last Time You Tried Something New?
A wise person once said, "Make a habit of trying new things." There are several reasons why this can prove to be so beneficial. Trying new things can increase your confidence levels. Trying new things can make you less fearful. Trying new things can expand your perspective when it comes to how you see the world. Trying new things can encourage you to try other new things. And yes, trying new things can definitely be a great cure for boredom.
After all, one of the things that it means to be bored is to be someone who feels like you are doing the same ole' thing, day in and day out to the point where life feels like not much more than tedious repetition. Doing something new can help to break up the monotony and get you excited about life again.
So, set aside an hour or so and put together a quick bucket list of things that you would like to attempt that you never have before, whether it's a new kind of food, planning a trip to someplace you've never been or maybe even going on a blind date. The excitement alone can make it worth the effort — and definitely be the cure for boredom that you may have been looking for…all along.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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