How To Regain Control When Your Goals Are Overwhelming You
Over the weekend, I was on the phone with Brittany, one of my good friends back in Atlanta. We were on a topic we talk about a lot -- what we want in our careers. As we talked, I said to her, "I hate two questions. 'What's next and what do you want to do?'"
"Why do you think that is?" she asked me. It took me a few minutes to really think about the reasons why. I'd never given the why much thought. As she let me ramble on about the reasons it could be, a light bulb went off.
For one, those questions make me feel like I've accomplished nothing. Secondly, they make me feel like no one has paid attention to what I've been working so hard for over the last ten years. Our conversation got me to thinking about how this could be affecting other women in the world that feel overwhelmed (and sometimes stifled) by their dreams. Mainly because our dreams sometimes seem so big that saying them proudly to the people closest to you seems impossible, at least in my case.
Here are a few ways to get through those moments when you feel more overwhelmed than inspired:
Practice Gratitude
Lately, I have been making myself stop when I feel overwhelmed by my goals. I stop everything I'm doing and go outside (without my phone), pull out my journal, and write at least one thing I'm grateful for in life or that day. It could be as simple as having a nice cup of coffee at my desk in the morning (which is one of my favorite rituals) or something as big as getting an email about a new opportunity. The practice of being thankful really can help put things into perspective when you feel yourself spiraling.
Think Less About The "End Game" and More About The Process
Last week a friend asked me, "What's your end game?" My real answer to that is, I have no clue, and when I think about my life in that way — I just want to give up. The reality is, end games change. One year you could see yourself getting your Master's degree in Public Health and the next thing you know you're teaching English abroad or starting a family. For me, my end game has changed too many times to count.
When I graduated from college, I thought I was going to be the next Jovita Moore, but thanks to the recession, I took whatever job I could get to ensure my student loans were paid. I ended up working at an art museum for seven years while pursuing acting and building a successful stationery company. What's wild about where that pivot took me is that my stationery company, Mae B, is why I was invited in for an interview at BuzzFeed. Two weeks after the interview, I was offered the position and was packing up my life and buying a one-way plane ticket Los Angeles to start a career in the brand new field (with zero experience).
Related: Why I Took The Job As A 30-Year-Old Intern At BuzzFeed
That experience taught me to do the work I love and plan less because what is for me will show up sometimes in a package I never imagined. No end game needed.
Think About What You've Accomplished (Big or Small)
If you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago what I think I've accomplished, I probably would have looked at you with a big blank stare. I have become immune to my achievements because I'm too busy checking things off. Get my business featured in these publications. Check. Book a commercial. Check. Write for xoNecole. Check. These were all things I'd dreamed about, but when they happened, I was on to the next opportunity to check off of my list. That is a sad road to take because you'll never take time to pat yourself on the back, and you'll never be pleased. We don't have to make everything happen in this weird timeline that is projected on us. I believe that one of the keys to success is taking the time to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "You did that!"
Stop Comparing Your Journey
I can't tell you how many times I've thought about packing my bags and buying a one-way ticket back to Atlanta. Why? I'm watching someone else win and wondering why I haven't gotten the cool opportunities they're working on. I'm so over myself. For one, jealousy isn't cute. We don't know how long someone has been working to see the fruits of their labor bloom. Two, if these people are in our fields and look like us, we should be lifting them up (I'm talking to myself here) because that means they're making space for the rest of us. Instead of comparing, I reach out to the people I admire in my industries. I have invited them out for coffee and even gone on Target runs with them. Not to gain any intel, but to be in the presence of women I admire.
Don't Be Ashamed To Talk About What You Want In Life
Saying you want to make a career out of something that was unexpected can bring resistance. Maybe your parents saw you doing something else, you chose to take a pay cut, you followed your wildest dream, or you've done all of the above? I've wanted a creative career for as long as I can remember. My dream was to go to college at the Fashion Institute of Technology, but that was quickly shut down because in my household, my sister and I had to be practical. A traditional four-year institution was my only option if my parents were going to pay for it.
But, hey, I'm a creative so practical has never been my thing. Feeling the need to think about my life in those terms has made it difficult to share my true aspirations out loud out of fear that I'll hear "grow up," or worse, if they don't happen as quickly as I'd hoped, I will be labeled a failure. Speaking about your work proudly can open up new doors. You never know who you're talking to or who has the means to be able to help you get to your next step.
Take A Minute
If you've read any of the pieces I've written here, you know I talk about social media often. I am sure that generations before us felt pressured by the societal time clock, but I think that we aren't just feeling it, we have a visual 24/7. Each time we open our apps, we're reminded of the partner we haven't found yet, the grandkids our parents want, the house we haven't bought yet, or the career we wish we had.
As one of my favorite people would say, "You gotta chill." You can rush all of the moments I mentioned above, but will they be tailor-made of you? I don't think so. Slow down. Breathe. Journal. Travel. Delete the apps. Pray. Do whatever gives you space from the hamster wheel in your brain and that the things that feed it.
Being an adult is hard, no need to add to that by feeding your brain's negative narratives and overloading ourselves with all of the things we haven't accomplished yet. The reality is that it doesn't serve us or our higher purpose. I believe we all have one.
Good luck, beauty. You've got this.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Bianca Lambert is a proud Atlanta native soaking up the Los Angeles sun. She is the founder of Mae B: a stationery company for women of color and a digital content creator on a mission to elevate the voices of women of color everywhere.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images