Something that I really like about the change in seasons is they're a reminder that change is not only inevitable, it is very much so necessary. It's necessary for progress. It's necessary for growth. It's necessary in order for all of us to evolve into even bigger and greater versions of ourselves so that our purpose in this life can truly be fulfilled.
That's why I find it odd that so many of us question ourselves whenever we become restless, outgrow a relationship, or seriously consider leaving a job or moving to another city—or heck, another country even.
While we're out here wondering what's wrong with us, the reality is it could be the opposite; it could be that something very right is happening within. Our entire being is alerting us to the fact that what once was working for us (or at least we thought was working) for us, it no longer is. And so, it is time to take some semi-drastic measures in order to get to what's next.
Sometimes we fight change so much, that we try and talk ourselves out of what our mind, body, and spirit are trying to tell us. As a direct result, we're not quite sure if it's truly time to make a move or not. But as we're all moving full speed ahead into the year, here are some clear-as-day indications that changing your life is exactly what needs to go down. Sooner than later, by the way.
You’re Bored Out of Your Mind
If there is one feeling that I think gets pushed back down into our psyche far too often, it's boredom. I don't know where we get the idea that if we're bored, somehow that is being silly, petty, or childish. Personally, I think it is one of the greatest indications that some major shifting needs to transpire. After all, when you're bored, it means that you are weary. Weary of what? The literal definitions include "tedious repetitions" and "unwanted attention."
That's why I totally get quotes like the one from the French writer Émile Zola— "I would rather die of passion than of boredom." It's a reminder that life is too short to be out here doing the same ole' same ole'…just because. I also like this quote by author Saul Bellow— "Boredom is the conviction that you can't change ... the shriek of unused capacities."
If you're out here hating your job because it feels like you're doing nothing but watching the clock and collecting a check, if you are a homebody because your city feels totally uninspired, if you are remaining in a relationship simply so you won't be alone and nothing more—all of these things point to boredom. All of these are blaring signs that something definitely needs to change.
Everything Seems to “Cramp Your Style”
There is someone in my world who honestly lives "bigger" than anyone else I know. They are constantly traveling. They are always doing something innovative. Since knowing them, I don't think there has been one year when they've done the same thing, the same way. I've asked them about it before. What they've told me is that while they are not the true definition of claustrophobic, whenever they feel "cramped" by a job or relationship or even within themselves, they take that as a sign that they need to do something different—or differently.
For the most part, I like that way of thinking because to cramp something (or someone) is "to confine narrowly; restrict; restrain; hamper." And that makes me think of the Alice Walker quote, "No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow." Amen.
While it should go on record that sometimes there's a fine line between your style being cramped and you trying to avoid responsibility (for instance, the routine that comes from being a spouse and/or parent isn't "restricting" you; it's holding you accountable), if something or someone does have you feeling restrained in the sense of being held back, don't ignore that signal.
Ask yourself what could be lying beneath the surface of that emotion because, believe you me, anything or anyone that is good for you is going to propel you, not stifle you.
You’re Restless—When You’re Awake and Asleep
Me? I feel like I am constantly metamorphosizing, one way or another. I always know that it's time to make some sort of transition whenever I feel restless; for me, that's typically at nighttime. Although I usually am able to fall asleep easily, I do have seasons when I will wake up, at the same time, for a couple of weeks or so. Medical professionals say that potentially points to needing to alter one's sleep patterns, someone experiencing hormonal shifts, or an individual going through a bout of anxiety or depression. But according to studies in traditional Chinese medicine, it could have something to do with your energy fields.
I read a cool article that said, if you have trouble sleeping between 9 p.m.-11 p.m., it could mean that you're worried or stressed out. If you keep waking up between 11 p.m.-1 a.m., it means that you are going through some sort of emotional disappointment. 1 a.m.-3 a.m. indicates internalized anger; 3 a.m.-5 a.m. is connected to repressed sadness and if it's between 5 a.m.-7 a.m., there are internal blockages of some sort. Something else that I like about the read is it provides tips on what you can do to shift the energy so that you can get a good night's rest again.
But what I think we all can agree on is if you're not able to rest well, some sort of changes need to be made—for the sake of your health, well-being, and peace of mind.
Your Gifts and Talents Are Lying Dormant
One of my favorite Scriptures is "For God's gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them when once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]" (Romans 11:29—AMPC) It is such an awesome reminder that, what the Most High put us here to do, that doesn't change. Unfortunately, a lot of people end up on their deathbed, never really tapping into their fullest potential because figuring out what their gifts and talents are was never a top priority. Paying bills. Finding love. Having kids. Other stuff is what took precedence.
But I'm telling you, you are doing yourself, your Creator, and the world at large a huge disservice if you don't put aside some real time to discover—and then feed into—your gifts and talents.
If you're not really sure what your gifts or talents are, start the journey of figuring it out by doing some journaling. Write down things like what excites you; what your strengths are; what came easy to you in high school and college; what you would totally do for free; and what you would spend your time on if you were independently wealthy. When you see what comes up on that sheet of paper, you should feel a few sparks fly. (Also, if you're a Christian, take a spiritual gifts test; it can reveal a lot about you too).
Since our gifts are irrevocable, they haven't gone anywhere just because we aren't using them. They are simply dormant. But if you feel something tugging at you, it could very well be that very gift or talent that could totally change your life, for the better—the very moment that you decide to stop ignoring it and begin nurturing it instead.
You Keep Pushing Down a Crazy Idea
I am very open about the fact that I'm a huge fan of Hebrew culture. So much in fact that I don't observe January 1 as being the New Year. I celebrate Rosh Hashanah instead; it just happened this past September 29-October 1. The reason why I'm bringing this up is because newness is all about perception. You don't have to wait until four months from now to try something that has been pulling and tugging away at your spirit. Hmph. Let me tell it, if you've got an idea and you keep telling yourself, "I'll do something about it next year", that has little to do with making a resolution and more to do with full-on, straight-up, absolute bona fide procrastination.
And what if you are waiting because the brainstorm that you have sounds totally crazy? First, trust me—live long enough and you learn to accept crazy is relative. And second, it's probably time to adapt a quote by an author named Jennifer Elisabeth— "Don't worry if people think you're crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they're destined to be."
For the most part, I like "crazy" ideas. It usually means that it's truly original and creative. When you don't have anything to compare what you're thinking about to, you are on the way to being a trailblazer rather than following someone else's blueprint. And when you stop to really let that sink in, how freakin' cool and amazin' is that?!
Life is too short and meaningful to be second-guessing yourself, simply because a concept comes to mind that you can't compare to anything (or one) else. By stepping out on a crazy idea, not only could it totally change your life for the better, it also may be what someone around you needs to see in order to manifest their own brand of "crazy" too. Doing crazy stuff can inspire others. Let that be your motivation if nothing else.
Your Needs Are Met. But Still, You’re Not Satisfied.
One more. Do you ever have moments when you're asking yourself, "What's wrong with me? I've got a good job, a nice home and really nothing to complain about. But still, something is…off"? You might try and "talk yourself down" by saying that you're just being "extra" or ungrateful. Maybe. Or it could be that your mind is alerting you to the fact that just because your needs are being met, that doesn't mean that there isn't more to life than that. It doesn't mean that there is some part of you—if not all of you—that simply isn't satisfied.
One of the things to always keep in mind when it comes to the definitions of "satisfy" is that one of them means "to fulfill the desires of." If you're currently not satisfied, some desire within you isn't being fulfilled. You shouldn't feel bad or guilty about that; you should figure out what that desire is and how to go about meeting it in the most beneficial and productive way possible. Not someday. As soon as you possibly can.
An Asian actress by the name of Lily Leung (who just passed this past August) once said, "When in doubt, choose change." Don't wait until next year. Don't get distracted by the holiday season. Shoot, don't even click out of this article without making the commitment to do something—anything—that will help you to get to where change wants you to be.
Change is a good thing. So, if you saw yourself in this article, it's time to change your life. The good news is now all you've got to do is fully surrender to that reality. Then watch how the Universe helps you out—now that you're in full agreement. Enjoy the ride, sis. It's about to totally rock your world and change your life—for the better!
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Originally published on June 10, 2019
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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