How To Recognize The Signs Of A Disorganized Attachment Style
“What’s your attachment style?”
It’s a simple yet probing question that has made its way into modern dating culture as a casual icebreaker and do-tell dating app prompt. It may seem like just another relationship buzzword ridden by internet self-diagnosis, but understanding your attachment style can provide you with the self-awareness for how to show up in relationships and heal your approach along the way.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory proposes that the emotional bonds we form with our primary caregivers in childhood influence our relationships throughout life. These bonds typically fall into four categories: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment.
Of these attachment styles, the wildcard of the bunch is disorganized attachment, which combines the neediness of anxious attachment with the aloofness of avoidant attachment, all wrapped up in one.
Signs of a Disorganized Attachment Style
“In relationships, behaviors associated with a disorganized attachment style are: individuals who struggle with feelings of insecurity and loneliness, and have trouble trusting others,” Dr. Janet Brito, an AASECT certified Latinx sex therapist and founder of The Sexual Health School and Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health, tells xoNecole. “This pattern may strain the formation of maintaining secure bonds, and result in chaotic relationships.”
Originating from inconsistent and often traumatic childhood experiences, individuals with disorganized attachment — also known as fearful-avoidant — feel tugged between needing closeness and sudden withdrawal.
According to Dr. Brito, a key sign that an individual may have a disorganized attachment style is their hesitancy to trust the people around them. “They may demonstrate inconsistent behaviors (stay close, go away) or fear of rejection or abandonment,” she explains. “Others may struggle with seeing themselves in a negative light, having a hard time self-soothing, and becoming easily overwhelmed.”
Root Causes of a Disorganized Attachment Style
Perceived fear is central to the development of a disorganized attachment style. Grasping how the experiences within a person’s formative years shape their attachment style is essential to managing and healing the wound. “Some common causes are a history of childhood abuse, such as emotional neglect and unresolved trauma,” Dr. Brito explains.
She adds, “Due to the childhood caregiver demonstrating unstable patterns and inconsistency in expressing affection, individuals in adulthood may struggle with trusting their instincts and trusting others to provide emotional comfort and safety.”
Disorganized Attachment Style In Relationships
Adults with a disorganized attachment style often face a paradox in relationships: the desire for love and connection while simultaneously fearing intimacy and anticipating rejection and hurt. This fear stems from early experiences with unpredictable caregivers, leading them to view partners as similarly unreliable. Consequently, they struggle to trust and accept emotional support, expecting disappointment as an unavoidable outcome.
“The relationship may appear unstable and unpredictable. Individuals may create close bonds and then abruptly and suddenly withdraw,” says Dr. Brito. “Trust is a big issue; therefore there may be lots of conflict around issues of emotional reliance.”
This mindset often results in self-sabotage or choosing partners who reinforce their fears, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of failed relationships. Although a disorganized attachment style differs from an avoidant style, both involve a fear of intimacy and a tendency to avoid close emotional connections.
“An individual who demonstrates a disorganized style may exhibit behaviors that are a mix of yearning for closeness, but also pushing others away, whereas an individual who demonstrates an avoidant attachment style may avoid emotional closeness,” she says. “Despite their desire for closeness, their fear of being hurt keeps them in a cycle of avoidance and expectation of rejection.”
Healing Through Disorganized Attachment Style
Thankfully, the attachment style we’re nurtured into doesn’t have to be the one that we’re stuck with forever. With the right support, therapy, and a curious approach to the journey, healing this complex attachment style is well within reach.
“Prioritizing self-healing and becoming curious about your attachment style is important, as it fosters holding a curious attitude toward understanding your patterns,” Dr. Brito advises. “Seeking a therapist to assist you to increase self-awareness is beneficial. Valuing your self-worth, and adopting narratives that are empowering can be helpful too, as well as surrounding yourself with a supportive network that models secure bonds.”
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."