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How Yasmine Cheyenne's Book 'The Sugar Jar' Reminded Me That I Am Enough
xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
At the beginning of the year, I knew I wanted to: 1) Prioritize myself and my dreams like never before and 2) Strive for authenticity in every aspect of my life. What I didn’t know was that in a few months, roadblocks would materialize, and old wounds would resurface. What started as well-meaning declarations slowly morphed into misguided attempts to chase after my dreams and show up for myself in the process. I felt overwhelmed by the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself and burnt out over balancing my responsibilities.
My belief in Jesus Christ is paramount and who I turn to first, especially when it comes to healing, but I’m also an advocate of therapy and utilizing positive resources that support my personal growth. I figured I’d try a resource that could complement my journey of inner work, provide insight into my personality, and remind me of the joy and peace that is within me.
So after ignoring the self-help and personal development aisle in the bookstore (I’m a fiction type of gal), I opted for Yasmine Cheyenne’s book The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things. As an educator, speaker, and mental-wellness advocate, Yasmine provides a thoughtful and impactful approach to healing and recognizing patterns in our lives that drain us.
Here are 7 takeaways from her book to embrace healing and practice self-care.
Care for Your 'Sugar Jar'
Cheyenne likens our body and mind to a jar. It represents who we are and how we present ourselves to the world. Within the jar is our sugar, or as she writes, “all the sweet parts of you.” It can be represented as our time, our energy reserved for the activities we care about the most, and our gifts/expertise. To prevent the sweetness in our lives from spilling out or from being given away frivolously, the lid on our jar serves as a boundary.
Caring for our jars, or our very essence, is more than placing them in a safe environment.
Through regular check-ins, we maintain the integrity of our jars. For instance, to recognize a sugar leak or a relationship/responsibility that drains our time and peace, we can pay closer attention to our needs and enforce boundaries to protect ourselves. We can change the size of our jars to hold more or less in our lives depending on the season we’re in. Most importantly, we can fill our jars by prioritizing self-care.
Prioritize Presence Over Performance
As a recovering people-pleaser, I often struggled with my desire to belong in spaces while showing up as my whole self. I would perform based on the expectations of those around me and find my worth in their praise of my performance. I would ignore red flags and pretend that I was okay to avoid having tough conversations. It was as if I wore a mask, shifting it in place or ditching it altogether, depending on who I was around. Performing in these ways drained me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Yasmine says that agreeing to perform is another way of saying, “I believe that who I am isn’t enough.” Instead of acting on the internalized belief that I have to be someone else to belong, I prioritized being fully present as my true self, even if it was uncomfortable.
I paid close attention to the suggestions presented in the book and began to:
- Recognize that it’s okay if I don’t fit in everywhere
- Acknowledge my emotions and desires even if it differs from those around me
- Cast imposter syndrome aside
- Refuse to downplay my successes
Know the Difference Between a Boundary and a Barrier
Boundary setting gets a bad rap. Often we view it as selfish or a way to bend others to our will lest they kiss a relationship with us goodbye. Cheyenne defines a boundary as “the rules or structures that we put in place that manage the way we interact with the people, places, things, and commitments that we have in our lives.” Boundaries help us communicate our needs and how we intend to show up in the world around us. They also keep us safe and protect our mental health. However, in an attempt to protect ourselves from experiencing pain, we sometimes build a barrier that ends up keeping good things from entering our lives.
For example, a boundary could be explaining your needs to a friend after feeling as though you aren’t a priority in their life. A barrier could be ending the friendship the moment you’re disappointed and swearing off getting close to others in an attempt to avoid future disappointment.
It can feel intimidating to set boundaries with people who might have constant access to you or even to set boundaries with yourself, but starting small is key. Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Say yes to opportunities that align with who you are and your beliefs
- Decline an invitation if you know you need to prioritize rest (or if you simply don’t want to attend)
- Ask yourself what you’re comfortable with and communicate it
Let Go
The Sugar Jar helped me realize that letting go is an act of self-care. For most of my life, I held onto perfectionism and the notion that I needed to earn my worth. I could understand when others fell short of my expectations, but I would mentally berate myself if I missed my mark. I didn’t give myself the space to make mistakes and was far too tough on myself. I came to realize that holding space for myself when I am less than perfect means that I am human. And most importantly, I recognized that even with my flaws, I am enough.
Letting go also meant releasing the version of myself I’d outgrown without guilt. There were iterations of myself that existed for specific seasons. One version existed when I was content with playing small and believed that I didn’t have what it took to achieve my dreams. Another version needed to be in control 100% of the time to feel safe. I found joy when I realized that I could appreciate who I used to be but realize that there’s no shame in evolving.
Lean Into Acceptance
I used to bypass the inner work I needed to complete in my life by focusing on others. I wore my ability to encourage and counsel those around me as a badge of honor and poured so much energy into watching them transform. It’s no wonder I would feel frustrated if they chose a different path or if they felt content operating in a way that I didn’t agree with. I learned that acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating poor behavior but meeting people where they are.
Once I learned that it’s not my responsibility to change anyone (especially a person that doesn’t believe a change is necessary), the pressure I once felt decreased. Leaning into acceptance meant I recognized that we all have different capacities and timelines for growth.
Simply put, once I started to accept others for who they were I started to focus on my growth.
Dismiss the Urge To Be the “Strong One”
As I mentioned earlier, I derived a lot of pride from pleasing others. Not only did I lack boundaries, but I also played into the societal pressure to be strong 24/7. After all, wouldn’t I be liked even more if I showed that I could handle any and everything? Wouldn’t I prove I’m a great wife, mother, friend, and daughter if I supported my loved ones at all costs? I was wrong. Even worse, I had embodied the Black Woman Trope even though I knew better.
I justified my actions because I pegged myself as the “strong friend,” the “reliable daughter,” or the “super mom.”
There’s nothing wrong with exhibiting strength and showing up for loved ones, but this book gently reminded me that even the “strong ones” need support too. Consider the following questions that were posed in the book if you’re fighting the urge to constantly show your strength:
- Does someone’s need for me help me feel stronger, validated, or necessary?
- How can I be strong and worthy of connection without fully supporting everyone else’s weight?
Gauge Your Healing
It would be easy to gauge our healing if it presented itself as a simple cut on the hand. We'd watch the blood begin to clot and the skin around the wound seals itself until nothing but a tiny scar remained. Unfortunately, there's no clear-cut path to healing from the wounds we cannot see. The good news is that we can assess our healing by checking in with our emotions and taking stock of the improvements we've made (big or small).
Cheyenne says, "Just because you've learned some tools, it doesn't mean you won't have fears, intrusive thoughts, or concerns about choosing the 'right' things for yourself." There are no magic pills to take and no finger snaps that can erase the negative feelings associated with healing. But we're aiming for progress, not perfection, as we heal. So, for example, if you've struggled with setting boundaries, you might see that you are healing when you finally communicate it. You might still feel nervous about the action, and it might not even come out as smoothly as you want it to the first time. You'll notice you're healing even more when you're able to communicate your boundary with ease and can enforce it.
Embracing the intricacies of our healing and shedding parts of ourselves that no longer serve us takes dedication and a lot of work. But even as we work towards being a better version of ourselves, we can still experience the sweetness the journey has to offer.
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This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
Photo courtesy
When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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