
i read it so you don t have to
xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
Of all the emotions, love is the pinnacle. It’s the one emotion we all desire for a lifetime, but it’s also the emotion that many people feel unequipped to sustain and grow within themselves and others. Former monk, host of the #1 health podcast in the world, On Purpose, and New York Times best-selling author, Jay Shetty debuted his second book, 8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, & Let it Go, in February 2023.
There are tons of books on the shelves about love, but something I’ve been extremely intentional about investing in within the last few years is reading books about healthy and nourishing love. So many of us know the love that was introduced to us as a child, but that love is only what our parents knew, and it may not always be what we needed. So as an adult, it’s your turn to fill in all the gaps of what they missed in love and what new habits you want to cultivate to experience healthier love that sustains itself and gracefully lets go of love when needed.
Here are 8 rules of love Jay Shetty taught me during the informative read of his book. I hope each rule can meet you where needed most, with compassion first, accountability second, and love last.
1st Rule of Love: Let Yourself Be Alone
Allowing yourself to be alone for blocks of time in your life is one of the most rewarding things you could ever gift yourself. It was just a few years ago that I recognized the detrimental cycle I was looping myself into, going from dating one person to the next to fill void after void. As Shetty writes in his book, “Researchers at the University of Toronto found through a series of studies that when we’re afraid of being single, we’re more likely to settle for less satisfying relationships. Specifically, we’re more likely to become dependent on our partners and less likely to break up with them, even when the relationship doesn’t meet our needs.”
After my last relationship ended, I promised myself I would sit in the void, pick it apart, and understand how to heal it. And in a year of exploring solitude to every extent possible, I developed my voice and stood unapologetically on my values. As Shetty states, “In solitude, we practice giving ourselves what we need before we expect it from someone else. Are you kind to yourself? Are you honest with yourself? Are you emotionally available to yourself? Are you supportive of your own efforts?”
It was in that season of my life that I truly found comfort in solitude and not seeing it as lonely and missing something.
2nd Rule of Love: Understanding Parental Gifts and Gaps
We must be very conscious of our parental gifts and gaps because it can put unnecessary pressure on our relationships if we can’t fill that gap by ourselves. “If there is a gap in how our parents raised us, we look to others to fill it. And if there is a gift in how our parents raised us, we look to others to give us the same.” We can acknowledge ‘xyz’ happened to us, but we must change the narrative, not fall victim to life's circumstances, and always expect our partner to solve our issues.
“So often in relationships, we reject or repeat what our parents did. If they argued, you may avoid conflict. If they had a certain power dynamic, you may expect the same in your relationship or avoid it at all costs.” The domino effect doesn’t have to continue once you’re aware of it and are willing to change the narrative for your life. If you grew up around defensive and unhealthy conflict resolution styles, you can change it if you commit to doing the work to heal from it.
3rd Rule of Love: What You Want From Someone Else First Give to Yourself
Your happiness is your responsibility. It was your responsibility when you were single, and it still is your responsibility when you’re in a relationship. Shetty writes that "that’s why it’s so deeply important that we heal ourselves, taking charge of that process instead of shifting blame and responsibility to a partner.” Your partner's role in the relationship is that of a supporter, not a fixer; no one can tend to what you need better than you.
Any request you want from a partner, make sure you can provide the same support so that you can support each other in times of need. “A partner can’t fill every gap. They can’t unpack our emotional baggage for us. Once we fulfill our own needs, we’re in a better place to see what a relationship can give us.”
4th Rule of Love: Know Your Partner’s Learning Style
To be in a relationship of any form means to be open to growing together. It’s essential to know how your partner learns best so that when they are working on anything personally or professionally, you can send them things in that context to support them. However, “wanting to help our partner should not be confused with wanting to control our partner. One of the most common ways we try to control our partner(s) is to impose our timeline on them.”
Lead by matching their learning style. If it is hearing, send a podcast. If it is visual, send a YouTube video or master class, and so on and so forth. Most importantly though, allow them the space to learn or not learn at their own pace.
5th Rule of Love: Don’t Criticize, Judge, or Abuse
Just think about it, when you ask your partner for their opinion on something, you’re hoping to feel supported and met with compassion; now, that needs to be returned in every area of feedback you give them. “Gurus don’t use anger, harsh words, or fear to inspire their students. They realize that fear is a good motivator in the short term, but over the long term, it erodes trust. Criticism is lazy communication. It’s not constructive, compassionate, or collaborative. ”
Constructive feedback leads with love; instead of saying, “You never do x; you’re so bad at y,” say, “I appreciate it when you do x.” Or instead of saying, “If you ever do that again, I’m leaving you,” replace it with, “This is how it makes me feel when you do that.” Speak to the matter based on the present situation, don’t make generalized comments because it will make your partner feel like they do nothing right; we know that’s not true.
6th Rule of Love: Take Turns Prioritizing Your Purposes
As you grow in your relationship, your goals change, and so do your partners. Implementing conversations around these changes paired with an action plan in heavy transitional seasons is essential for both of you to grow as a team and feel supported. “While some couples do have this ‘tit for tat’ mindset, successful couples have a mindset that is, rather than thinking about it as ‘me vs. you,’ […] about a conceptualization of ‘we’ as the most important piece of the puzzle," Shetty writes.
And as time goes revisit the plan and ask how your partner is feeling based on how things are going, be open to making adjustments that work for both parties, and lastly, be open to returning that support when it’s your turn to pitch in extra for your partner’s transitional seasons in life.
7th Rule of Love: Every Time One of You Loses, You Both Lose
We’ve all been in those times with our partners when we are on opposite sides of a situation, and we casually see them as an opponent. However, wanting to win every argument or be right about everything is more harmful than helpful to your partnership. “Every time one of you loses, you both lose. Every time the problem loses, you both win," Shetty explains in his book simply. Sometimes it’s best to take a break from the conversation when you feel like you're going in laps of who's right or wrong because that’s not solving the issue; it’s just amplifying it.
“If we deal with disagreements as they arise, then we have a better chance to resolve issues before we say things we don’t mean and end up feeling worse without having resolved anything.”
8th Rule of Love: Give Yourself Closure
When things go entirely left, and you feel like there is no more room for the relationship to be repaired, it's time to let that love go. In that process, Shetty writes, “Let yourself feel every emotion. You can’t heal until you feel. Walking away from something doesn’t reduce it. If you don’t give an emotion the attention it deserves, it amplifies. In order to truly recognize these emotions, you must articulate them, look for patterns, and explain them to yourself.”
And to find peace at the end of that experience is by you creating your closure. Reflect on what you gained, lost, and learned about yourself in that relationship. “Every ex gives you a gift you may miss out on if you don’t take this step. It could be a piece of advice. It could be a connection they made for you. Maybe they supported you through a tough time. Maybe you learned that you really need to be with someone who makes healthy choices. Maybe you discovered that picking someone who checked off every box on your list wasn’t a good way to see who was standing in front of you. Honor your ex for the gifts they gave you.”
Create the closure because it was a gift to love them and a gift to let them go and be open to love once again. To truly love starts with making space for understanding and loving yourself to your core so you can be open to extending that love to others.
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7 Things 'We Should All Be Millionaires' Taught Me About Adopting A Millionaire Mindset
xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
Since we first started to count, women have been indoctrinated into thinking we are inherently bad with money. When it comes to women and finance, there is a recurring theme: women are large, careless spenders. The vocabulary employed in commercials and periodicals, as well as in television and cinema, all reference this idea. Men learn how to generate money, while women learn how to spend it. Just like that. Therefore, it is understandable why women think they are unsuccessful at accumulating wealth given this deeply ingrained notion.
But contrary to what its marketing team has led us to believe, we can accumulate wealth, and earning seven figures in the next five years is not impossible. We only need to put in the hard work. Let's examine the book, We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers in this subsequent reading for the "I Read It, So You Don't Have To" series.
As always, take from this reading what you need, and leave the rest where it is.
1.Unlearn the Limiting Beliefs You Have About Earning More Money
Dispelling the idea that you can't be a millionaire because you spend money carelessly is the first step to securing the expansion of your empire. The next step is acknowledging the real reasons you have not become a millionaire. One of these reasons is obvious, patriarchal America was not built, and is not functioning, to ensure the success of Black women. It is working even less to ensure that Black women of the LGBTQ community and even plus-size women don't succeed. The final step is to acknowledge that despite those reasons, your potential to earn is solely determined by you.
Women routinely accept payment that is less than what they are worth, provide their skills for free, fear the discomfort of failing others, fear the discomfort of saying no, lack boundaries, and constantly prioritize the needs of others before our own. No matter which of these reasons is preventing you from achieving your financial goals—or if there is another factor at play—you must stop deceiving yourself about your financial difficulties and determine the truth of your bank account.
2.If You Want To Be Wealthy, Make Decisions Like a Millionaire
Make a choice as to how you will fulfill your desire to become a millionaire. You must start making million-dollar decisions if you want to get wealthy. To do this, you must comprehend what you really want, what you ought to be doing, and how you plan to get there. Make million-dollar decisions by using the "We Should All Be Millionaires" acronym below.
Want: What are your objectives? Check-in with your own inner wants instead of searching out other people's perspectives. What would you choose to do if you knew that every decision you made would lead to the intended result?
Should: When you think about your decision, what "should" come to mind? What should you do, in your opinion, to succeed? Do you actually believe these things, or are these just others' beliefs?
Action: What action are you going to do to move in the right direction? Identify the first two or three steps that must be taken to succeed.
Body: What do you think about doing this? How do you feel about this? Are you feeling energized? Or does it make you anxious? Is it somewhere in the middle? Since your body is the best judge of who you are, listen to it and use it to guide your decision.
More: How would this choice or course of action help you achieve more? What will this option allow you to have more of? This will become your primary reason to keep going when you feel discouraged or unmotivated. What advantages would this decision give you?
3.Manage Your Time Like a Millionaire by Creating Boundaries
You cannot have a thriving net worth and be popular with everyone. So, let go of the institutionalized people-pleasing. The plain fact is that women perform the majority of work across all fields, particularly in domestic tasks. This hinders our ability to accumulate riches. Not to mention, women are treated unfairly in the workplace. These pervasive cultural problems involving women's work result in weariness, depression, and a sense of inadequacy.
Therefore, to protect yourself from the feeling of never being enough and the mistreatment of others, establish boundaries that are clear to all parties. Say yes to what you want and no to everything else. After all, setting boundaries without enforcement will only result in the same outcomes.
4.Build a Team That Supports Your Millionaire Mindset
Build a squad! You are the people you choose to be around. Find a community of people that share your values and inspire you, then start interacting with them. You can discover new strategies and tools to support your millionaire habits within this new community that you might never have thought of or wouldn't have known without access to it. Not only that, but others who belong to this group may become contacts or even friends who can help you open doors to new chances. If the community you desire does not exist, create it yourself.
Nobody succeeds alone, despite what some people would have you believe. Because of your full-time job, interests, hobbies, relationships with family and friends, and, well, sleeping, time can be the largest obstacle to you generating wealth. Create your own team to reclaim your time. Hire a professional assistant to assist you with a variety of tasks for a few hours each week. By doing this, you can free yourself some time to investigate your financial objectives without the pressure of having to handle everything by yourself. Do not overthink this procedure or convince yourself that it is merely a waste of money.
To assure your ultimate financial and time freedom, figure out how much you can afford to pay for the support. Keep in mind that occasionally spending money is necessary to make money.
5.Determine Your Vision and Value To Achieve Success
What kind of life do you envision? What are your objectives? Make them compelling by being specific, specific, and appealing. Make your goals interesting since it is what motivates innovation, zeal, and action. The four steps that determine your visions are:
- List the improvements you'd like to make to various elements of your life;
- Carry out the necessary calculations so that you have a realistic understanding of the costs;
- Come up with 25 ideas for boosting your income quickly;
- Decide on the first improvement you'll make.
Think carefully about the millionaire version of yourself. Then, start acting like that now (without going into debt).
After choosing the concept that will help you raise your earnings, understand your worth. The price of women's imposter syndrome is in the millions. In order to advance in their careers or recognize their genuine worth, women who have imposter syndrome frequently work for free, at reduced rates, or without receiving any compensation. They do this while they wait for someone to recognize their efforts.
Decide on your worth instead, and set your prices accordingly. Set a price for your concept and multiply it by two. When offering your goods or services, accept nothing less.
6.Create an Effective Money Management System
Scarcity breeds more scarcity, and trying to live on a shoestring budget will only make you unhappy. Therefore, if you want to become a millionaire, you don't need to cut back on that daily latte or monthly subscription. Instead, create effective systems, rather than goals. Goals are helpful for giving direction, but systems are helpful for actually moving forward. Create a system to keep an eye on your finances. Avoid outsourcing your money management and decision-making; take charge of them yourself.
Set up a strategy to keep tabs on your credit score, daily spending, and net worth. Consider doing some investigation and setting up a business company and business bank account. Quit listening to those who tell you to wring every last penny out of your paycheck or who whine about your debt. Instead, recognize that in order to compete in the global market, you will periodically need to go into debt and work additional hours in order to increase your earning potential.
7.Start Building Your Millionaire Empire
Now that you have all the tools at your disposal, follow Nike's motto and "Just Do It." Find out what it's like to be able to earn money whenever you want. So, set a 10-day goal for yourself to earn a certain amount of money. What precise sum do you ask? Imagine you have ten days to obtain a certain amount of money for a crucial bill or expense. Write down this amount and increase its total by 30%. In 10 days, you want to have this number in your bank account. If this number is not high enough for you, try participating in WSABM's $10,000 in 10 days challenge.
Pro Tip: If you can afford it, join the We Should All Be Millionaires: The Club. For anyone prepared to build wealth, this club is your online community classroom. Regardless of what is standing in your path to being a prosperous millionaire, this club, which is devoted to seeing you succeed, provides a vast array of tools, educational and training programs, live weekly coaching, and a squad that can assist you in becoming the success you know you are capable of being.
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xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
When I first embarked on this journey of self-compassion, self-care, and self-love, I was told to readAtomic Habits by James Clear. Admittedly, this book recommendation did not make me want to jump up for joy and read this novel the first chance I got. For one, I didn't think that I had any 'bad' habits. Well, at least any that were detrimental to my health and/or worth changing. Or, at least, so I thought.
If anything, I believed my habits were well beyond what anyone would consider 'good.' Hell, they were great. I woke up on time. Made it to work on time. I completed school work and errands with fidelity. I paid my bills long before the collector thought to knock on my door. I scheduled times to talk to friends and family. I was committed to whatever task I said I would, and managed to also feed myself at the end of the day. I had systems that were so well placed, it would be ludicrous for me to change them. So, why add a book about 'atomic' habits to my reading list when I had my habits in order?
When I posed this question, I was given a follow-up; one that shut me up and sat me down. If my habits were so great--if everything had been going so well...why was I still so unhappy?
Yes, I woke up on time, but I laid in bed for 45 minutes before I would start the day. Yes, I made it to work on time, but it was often with watery eyes and unshed tears. Yes, I completed school work and errands with fidelity, but this was after I panicked about all the time squandered before the inevitable deadline arrived. Yes, I committed to whatever task, but this did not go without resentment to have made the commitment in the first place. And yes, I managed to feed myself at the end of the day, but this meal was often my only. I got through the day, but that didn't mean I did so without taking hits at every turn.
After minutes of being unable to come up with a decent response, I was told again to read Atomic Habits. And this time, I managed to listen. With the assistance of this truly exceptional, easy-to-read, and helpful-as-hell novel, I realized that though I had great habits, the bad ones were the ones that ruled my life.
This book gives readers strategies for maintaining modest routines that gradually add up to have the impact they desire for the life they want. Remember, this is meant to be a collection of suggestions on how to live a happy, wholehearted, purposeful, and intentional life, though it is by no means a “how-to guide” on how to live life. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
Here's how to form better habits for the life you aspire to obtain.
First Law of Building Better Habits: Make It Obvious
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Creating awareness of your habits is the first rule of developing healthy habits. Unless someone points out our habitual behaviors, we frequently miss our cues (or the actions that trigger the habits we perform), since we are not aware of them. We must, therefore, become more self-aware if we are to fulfill the first law.
To make your habits obvious, list your everyday routine for a moment to become conscious of your behaviors. What occurs when you first open your eyes? Then what? Then what? Make a list of your routines and activities, from every day, without exception. After that, evaluate each activity and ask yourself whether it is a 'good,' 'bad,' or 'neutral' habit.
It is crucial that you prioritize self-compassion above shame while you make this list. This is not the time to punish yourself for the bad habits you may or may not have. Instead, this is the time to just acknowledge the good and bad habits that you possess.
Implementation Plan:
Once your behaviors are clear, it's time to design an implementation strategy. A strategy for implementation is crucial because this is the point where most habits fall by the wayside. Those plans we have are just that—plans—without a proper implementation system. Making an implementation plan is straightforward; you simply list the new habit you want to develop, the location where you want to establish it, and the time of day you would implement it.
For example, "I will [insert new habit] at [insert time] in [insert location]." This formula will ensure you are making space for your habit in your daily activities, while consciously becoming aware of when it has to be completed.
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Habit stacking is another technique for implementing your new habit throughout the day. Pairing a new habit with an existing one is known as habit stacking. By using your old, inescapable habit as a cue to start the new habit, you will guarantee the new habit is completed. Therefore, combine your new habit with a positive or neutral behavior from your list using your implementation formula.
The Motivation Myth:
Keep in mind that motivation is not a factor as you go about putting your new habit into practice. We won't always be motivated to do something, and waiting around till we are motivated won't result in anything getting done. Your environment, not your motivation, plays a role in the development of your new behaviors. For instance, depending on the environment we are in, we act in habitual ways.
We know to hush when we enter a library. We know to keep quiet when we go to the movies. Habits will be encouraged by the environment to become associated with their surroundings, therefore do your best to connect habits to a location. You may need to select fresh locations on occasion to prevent negative habits from persisting.
Second Law of Building Better Habits: Make It Attractive
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"Make it attractive" is the second step in habit building. Most of the time, when we create a new habit, we do so resentfully, as though our new ambition suddenly transformed into a new challenge. Make your habit irreversible, rather than thinking of it as something you must do. You'll find yourself enacting the new habit more frequently if you pair a habit you want with something you already enjoy doing. For example, if you want to read more, but you can't find the time between long drives to work and home, start listening to audiobooks on the long drives to work.
Utilizing our inherent herd-like mentality is another way to make habits more appealing. Be among people who already practice the behaviors you want. You are more influenced by others around you than you may realize. Spend more time with people who are already practicing the behaviors you desire, you'll be more likely to stick with them. It will be simpler to develop the habit because your desired conduct will be considered "normal behavior" by the group.
Third Law of Building Better Habits: Make It Easy
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The third law is to make your new habit easy. Finding strategies to make our good habits less frictional while making our bad habits more frictional is a big part of the effort to develop better habits. For example, if you want to exercise more and watch television less, place a pair of exercise clothes on the couch, the bed, or wherever else you find yourself watching television. You can start forming good habits where exercising is possible by keeping your workout attire in an accessible place.
Also, starting as small as possible is another strategy for making it simpler to form new habits. This is referred to as the "Minimum Viable Effort." For example, if you want to practice meditating more, instead of focusing on the goal of 30 minutes a day, start off with one. Then gradually increase this number over time. If you start small, the new habit you're cultivating doesn't seem so daunting and you are much more likely to stick with it.
Fourth Law of Building Better Habits: Make it Satisfying
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The fourth law is to make your new habit satisfying. This can easily be done by giving yourself a reward upon the completion of your new habit. You need a motivating factor at first to keep on course. Because of this, quick rewards are crucial. They maintain your excitement as the delayed benefits build up in the background. What we're actually discussing here is the cessation of a behavior. Any experience's end is crucial because it's the part we tend to remember the most.
Your new habit should stop in a gratifying way for you. Reinforcement, which is the process of utilizing an immediate incentive to raise the rate of behavior, is the best strategy. Therefore, at the end of your new habit, give yourself a reward that will keep you coming back. For example, if you're creating the habit of exercising, reward yourself by grabbing your favorite smoothie or favorite food spot to go to, seeing a movie, enjoying a massage, or something else incentivizing upon completing your time at the gym.
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Three hundred and one days ago, I embarked on a journey to change the trajectory of my life.
Gradually and unknowingly, I exited my permanent fog and discovered I had been residing safely and warmly between the crossroads of dissatisfaction, anxiousness, depression, and self-pity. As a permanent resident, I had grown accustomed to the rollercoaster that was my mental and physical health. I had grown used to endless disappointment and claimed them as an inseparable essence of my being.
I was an anxious person. Therefore, I avoided places where my triggers would be present. I was a depressed person. Therefore, I would stay at home until the feeling passed. I was an insomniac, so I turned my nose to the idea of sleeping through the night. I was a pessimist disguised as a realist, so I planned for the best but knew the worst wasn’t too far behind. In claiming these titles, I had given myself the unlikely chance of finding residency anywhere else.
Instead of discovering how to notice my triggers and work alongside them, my social anxiety got worse in seclusion. Resulting in panic attacks that would sometimes ease me into unconsciousness. In hopes that my depressive episodes would pass, I isolated myself, only prolonging its run. In my negligence to find manageable ways to fall asleep, the fog I existed in only grew thicker. In my disguised pessimistic approach, the thoughts I held always became my worst enemy.
I was stuck in a vicious cycle of noticing the hell I had placed myself in and continued to find redundant ways to get myself out. The process was always the same: (1) I’d find a new therapist, one who was affordable, and encouraged me to rant or unnecessarily relive past trauma, instead of one who was receptive and gave advice; (2) I’d create new goals, goals that would make life somehow much better than it had been now, though unobtainable without effective systems; (3) I’d reach out to my support system, only to listen to advice that was similar to what I wanted to hear; (4) and I would wallow in self-pity when I noticed my fruitless ways brought nothing sweet to fruition.
Like clockwork, three hundred and one days ago, I had prepared to run the same course, see the same scenery, and experience the same damn disappointment. But as I readied myself to bear my monotony, a question bore itself to the forefront of my mind: Don’t you get tired of being in your own way? God yes. I had grown so tired that until that moment, I believed going through the same motions would somehow result in different results.
This time around, for once, I was determined to change my course. So, after days of consideration and prolonging my journey, I created a new plan. This time around, I would do everything within my power to save myself. To move out of this crossroads, and finally find a residence in an environment where happiness, peace, and love can grow.
So, for the next year, I challenged myself to attack the root of the problem: I would learn how to love myself and live wholeheartedly. In this quest, I read various novels and listened to endless audiobooks and podcasts where experts provided tools on how to live happily and sincerely. Now that I’m just a few months shy of a year, I wanted to share some wisdom that has saved me and molded me over the past few months, in case you’re someone who happens to find yourself standing in your own way. I read all of it, so you wouldn’t have to.
In the “I Read It, So You Don’t Have To” series, I will provide you with a collection of self-help and lifestyle novel reflections. This is meant to be a collection of suggestions on how to live a happy, wholehearted life, though it is by no means a “how to guide” on how to live life. Instead, this series will be a toolkit of takeaways, and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life one can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
The first novel that accompanied me on my journey is Brene Brown's The Power of Vulnerability. Here are the ten tips and takeaways from the novel on how to wholeheartedly live.
1.Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
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The first guideline of living wholeheartedly is cultivating authenticity. What keeps us from being our true authentic selves is the fear of shame and embarrassment from our peers. To live authentically, we must let go of what other people think of us, challenge the narratives they choose to bestow and embrace our true selves. In this step, it is important to remember that letting go of what people think is not limited to negative perceptions.
This includes those moments where we ask others, or "take a survey," on what we should do when the need to make a decision arises. In constantly seeking other viewpoints before making a decision, we can unconsciously value the opinions of others more than our own. This eventually leads to moments of second-guessing and blaming others when something does not work out as planned.
2.Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
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The second guidepost is cultivating self-compassion. It is known that we are our own worst critics. We punish ourselves for inaccurately predicting the future and ridicule ourselves for decisions made in the past, which ultimately leaves us feeling terrible about our present. Quickly shifting from cheerleaders, we become crueler to ourselves in self-talk than we would ever be to our worst enemies. This is due to our constant need for perfectionism. Despite knowing that perfection is a beautiful seduction, we punish ourselves for not being the 'perfect' version of ourselves in moments where we could have never predicted the outcome.
Instead of being upset that we did not handle everything 'perfectly,' we must allow room to love ourselves in the moments of flaw. To cultivate self-compassion, we must offer compassion, and understanding during self-criticism. Ask yourself, "Would I talk to another person this way?" If the answer is no, remind yourself that you are in fact a person and worthy of speaking to yourself in a warmer light.
3.Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of Not Being Enough
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In his inaugural speech, Franklin D. Roosevelt claimed "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." In this next guideline, we need to learn--as a culture--how to let go of scarcity and fear in order to cultivate gratitude and joy. In today's day and age, we have cultivated a sense of scarcity. We are so consumed with the idea of lack that there is simply never enough of anything, despite there being plenty of everything. We wake up thinking we could have slept longer, we question every action with the belief that there is more than we can do.
This feeling of 'never enough' only awakens our need to prove that we are more than, which results in more fear of others noticing that we might not be. Instead of trying to be everything and shaming ourselves for falling short, we must accept that we are enough and be grateful for what we have. This means practicing gratitude and embracing joy. Daily, we must actively work to shift our mindsets to one of gratitude, and begin to acknowledge the things that make us enough. This means leaning more into moments of joy, appreciating and acknowledging what you have during times of turmoil, and finding moments where you make decisions separate from fear.
4.Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
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I will be the first to tell you that I could not make a decision without overthinking it one to two thousand times. In the desire to be certain, I would create plans down to the minute, only to spiral the second they derailed from their predetermined track. This mindset inevitably led to constant anxiety, stress, and endless frustration. Therefore, the next guideline is letting go of the need for certainty. Alongside cultivating authenticity, we need to cultivate trusting faith and our intuition.
Unlike how it has been marketed, intuition is more than just a "gut feeling" that arises when "something doesn't feel right or off." Instead, intuition is the feeling we get that we've experienced this situation before and know exactly how it is going to end or can at least predict something similar to it. Instead of ignoring this feeling, we must trust and listen to the warning signs that we provide for ourselves based on past experiences. Then, we must trust--faithfully--that our intuition is right. We cannot be certain that our intuition was 100% right, but we can lean into the fact that we cannot be that certain about anything.
5.Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
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According to Brene Brown, we feel the need to compare when we notice others are doing things that we would consider to be extraordinary. We believe the person we compare ourselves to is contributing more to the world than we would ever be able to or have. Believing that the grass is always greener, or something would be better than what you have now, only creates an environment where dissatisfaction can fester.
This mindset does not consider the paths you have taken to get to where you are, nor the obstacles you have overcome to achieve what you have. It discredits you and the person you're making comparisons to, and the growth you have made between point A and now. Let comparison go, instead, cultivate creativity. After all, "the only unique contribution that we will ever make in the world will be born out of our creativity." To cultivate creativity, we must find a creative outlet--through trial and error--and make time for it. Simple as that.
6.Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status of Productivity and Self-Worth
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In addition to American culture creating a population that breeds scarcity, we breed exhaustion. Unlike other cultures, we glorify working 40 hours (at minimum) a week and shame those that rest while off the clock ("quiet quitting" I'm looking at you). If you tell anyone you did nothing with your weekend, there is always a look of pity for the time wasted or astonishment for the time taken. We see productivity as one's self-worth, and if you are considered unproductive you are not worth the consideration. This needs to end.
Instead of working a certain amount of hours before taking a much-needed break, surprise yourself and just take the break. Contrary to what is sold, rest is not earned, it is deserved; and necessary for anything to get anything done effectively and proficiently. Rest however you'd like, whenever you like, for however needed, and don't feel one ounce of shame about it. In addition to resting, find a moment to play and have fun. Like children, we grow bored and tired of the day-to-day when we are stuck in the same routine. Add moments of play where you can relax and just be completely and joyfully enamored in the freedom child-like play offers.
7.Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
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From the moment we open our eyes, to the second our feet hit the ground, every moment is go, go, go. There is no wonder 40 million adults have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and many more suffer from mild forms of anxiety throughout the day. Strangely enough, our anxious lifestyle can even force our bodies to start to crave the anxiety we feel on a given day. So, our next guideline is to let go of anxiety as a lifestyle and cultivate a lifestyle of calm and stillness.
This means meditating more, becoming more aware of ourselves and our emotions, and being less reactive. This means becoming more mindful and choosing to address situations from a standpoint of clarity. Just like the anxious lifestyle developed over time, the calm lifestyle needs to be developed intentionally over time, too. With apps like Headspace, Calm, and The Mindfulness App cultivating calm can become as easy as adding it to your morning schedule.
8.Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and "Supposed To"
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If 'would of' and 'could of' had done as they 'should of,' we'd all be where we're 'supposed' to be. But because they didn't, we blame ourselves and end up where we've always been. There is nothing beneficial in thinking about the ways life should have gone. When we compare where we are to where we want to be or should be, we get nowhere and fast. This feeling of expectation only evolves into self-doubt when we cannot obtain something that might not have been meant for us at all. Or worse, it evolves into anger and later laggardness, when we believe something is owed to us or "supposed to" be for us.
To counter these feelings and to stop furthering our doubts within ourselves, we should focus on creating meaningful work. Instead of looking for a sense of meaning elsewhere, we should focus on finding meaning and purpose within our talents and our gifts. This can be done in the form of creating a side business, or it could be done in pursuing our passion projects. Regardless of what it is, we need to find moments where we reconnect with our sense of self outside the perception of others.
9.Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and "In Control"
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This guideline speaks for itself. Stop trying to be in control. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and we have only unlocked limited levels of our control of self. And unfortunately, there are plenty of more levels above our mastery and skill sets that we are unable to accomplish. So, instead of trying to be so cool that we are numb or so in control that we are erratic, focus on laughing more, singing more, and dancing more. Notice I didn't say do any of that well, just more. You'll thank yourself for the loosening of the rein and the freedom to embody just being.
10.Speak out Shame and Embrace Empathy
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Finally, none of these guidelines to living a wholehearted life can be accomplished without speaking out against shame and embracing empathy. It is easy to say to 'be vulnerable,' but if we do not address the reasons we try not to be, we will continue to live on the outside of our lives. We spend the majority of our time secluded in our own personal hells because we are too filled with shame to allow others to feel just the brunt of our flames.
Nevertheless, if we just spoke our shame into the world, acknowledged it, and confronted it with our support systems, we might just find the empathy we are looking for to fully extinguish the inferno.
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