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I Considered Myself A Bad Feminist Until I Read 'Hood Feminism'
xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
I considered myself a bad feminist until I read Mikki Kendall's Hood Feminism. This is mostly due to the perception of what mainstream feminism characterized itself as. For example, January 2017 comes to mind when I think of feminism. I consider the time when 4.6 million women—the majority of whom were white—demonstrated around the United States in favor of gender parity and the difficulties we would unavoidably encounter under the newly elected Donald Trump. I remember the placards insisting that people should never "grab their pussies." The banners complaining that "we" only get paid 75 cents for every man's dollar, and the shouts demanding equal pay, despite this being the least of our problems.
Yes, I give its superficiality a lot of thought.
While many lamented that women only earn 75 cents for every dollar earned by white males, I considered the reality that Latina, Indigenous, and Black women make even less. I considered all the significant concerns that were overlooked since white feminist issues constituted a huge portion of the feminist vision. However, I was unaware of the degree and rationale behind this contempt until I read Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot.
'Hood Feminism' by Mikki Kendallwww.shopatmatter.com
Hood Feminism introduced me to the several reasons why I believe my feminist credentials were inadequate. It gave me insight into the various areas that feminism should concentrate on to achieve success in my lifetime and that of my potential children. It taught me how to be a feminist in ways I've always wanted to be. This book covers all the issues and arguments that feminists should be paying attention to, to ensure that feminism is more than just a term. It isn't necessarily a call to action, but it is a playbook of how to create feminist movements that hold the ideals of all individuals involved.
To be an effective feminist, we must emphasize Hood Feminism, and Kendall provides us with a number of strategies to help us do just that.
"Solidarity" Is for White Women
"We can't afford to wait for equality to trickle down eventually."
The Problem: The feminist agenda has prioritized narrowing the pay gap as the top feminist concern. While the salary gap is undoubtedly a problem that has to be addressed, the feminist movement's decision to make it a central issue is the ideal illustration of the trickle-down method and how solidarityis truly for white women. The idea behind the trickle-down approach is that if all women band together to address the problems facing the majority, like equal pay, then they would be able to assist minority groups in fulfilling their objectives. In essence, we should scratch their backs before they scratch ours.
Nevertheless, this idea functions only proficiently in theory. Particularly when minority concerns like food poverty, child care, and gun violence demand more urgent attention and action, while some legal processes—like equal pay—take years to resolve. The mainstream media makes us believe that solidarity means forgetting that other problems need to be addressed first.
With the clear difference between abstract ideals and very real lives, there isn't a possible way all women can stand united, when fighting one issue worsens the survivability of another.
How It Can Be Solved: It is obvious how to handle this problem: take care of the larger problems first, and the smaller ones will be taken care of afterward. Work on bigger concerns like child care services, gun violence, and food poverty, which impact all women regardless of race, rather than the wage gap, when the majority of women barely even make the alleged 75 cents to a white man's dollar.
Hunger
The Problem: Two other feminism-related concerns that must be at the forefront of the movement are affordable housing and food poverty. Families' capacity to make ends meet is rarely given much concern, despite the fact that women have access to food stamps and public housing, among other government support programs. Hunger disproportionately affects women, with food insecurity being more common in families headed by single women than in those headed by married couples or single men.
Even worse, women make up 60% of the lowest-paid workers in the nation despite making up almost half of the workforce. In addition to all of this, the majority of their income is allocated to housing and child care, which leaves very little money for household maintenance and much less for food purchases, particularly in light of the ongoing inflation. Everything is simply unaffordable.
How It Can Be Solved: Call for lawmakers to be held responsible and to boost federal nutrition programs via practical measures. Nearly two-thirds of adult and senior participants in the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) are female, yet the program offers very few advantages. The monies allotted to each household hardly even cover the costs of keeping the mother and kids fed. Increasing the monthly SNAP payment should be a top goal for policymakers in order to help more women become food secure and escape poverty.
Then, one may mention the pay disparity. Even though they make up the majority of workers, women still earn a lot less than males. As a result, women head homes that spend a larger percentage of their income on costs than men. Enforcing lawmakers to reduce the pay disparity may lead to more accessible housing and a decrease in food insecurity.
"Fast Girls" and the Festishization of Fierce
The Problem: Black women must mature more quickly than other girls. This is either due to expectations—where society stops viewing young black girls as girls around puberty—or needs—like needing to raise siblings or take care of oneself before one should. In any case, the perception that young Black girls are "fast" prevents them from being recognized for what they actually are: children. Given the battle being waged against Black girls, this adultification bias misses the fact that black girls need to learn how to fight, escape, and protect themselves at a very young age.
Black girls become strong women as a result of this instant adultification, and they are typically portrayed as "fierce" for conquering their surroundings. Sadly, this simply makes matters worse because Black women are increasingly viewed as self-sufficient and capable of defending themselves. They can preserve themselves because they are powerful. Because it is assumed that Black women can and will continue to help themselves, violence is inflicted upon them more frequently and major difficulties are disregarded.
How It Can Be Solved: Regard Black women as simply put, women—not "strong," nor "fierce." Regard them as people who deserve to be taken care of, fed, shielded, and given consideration. Black women and other minority groups need to be supported and encouraged when they seek help; instead of it being assumed they are capable of taking care of themselves.
Gun Violence
"The bullets that didn't hit me, still changed me."
The Problem: It is difficult to go five yards in predominately Black communities, where poverty meets life, without someone bringing up the topic of how unsafe the neighborhood is due to gun violence. Nevertheless, the same could apply to anyone who chooses to enter a public space in America, such as grocery stores, malls, hospitals, or schools. For the unfortunate, unforeseeable future, America and gun violence are synonymous. However, this truth is disregarded or publicized as a racial issue because it is only thought to exist in the context of poverty and Blackness. Never mind the sad truth, that women are the main victims of gun violence, due to domestic violence, mass shootings, and gang violence.
How It Can Be Solved: Gun violence must be seen by feminists as a feminist issue as much as a "Black issue." Guns are a leading cause of death for children in the United States; when they don't kill them, they terrorize them instead.
Race, Poverty, and Politics
The Problem: Always the savior, never the saved. Ironically, Black women are frequently viewed as the Democratic party's saviors. Black women voted 94% for Hilary in 2016, 96% for Obama in 2012, and 93% for Biden in 2020. Therefore, Democrats appeal to Black women if they want to win. However, Black women and their promised policies are frequently overlooked while legislation is being produced. Rather, the laws that are always remembered have to do with restricting Black women's rights and limited authority.
The majority of them lead to gerrymandering, such as that which is occurring in Alabama, or the development of laws that further downplay the hardships faced by Black women, such as poverty. Even worse, the policies that are being imposed are the result of white women's votes, who hurried to support the undermining of the laws that granted them the same liberties.
How It Can Be Solved: It is imperative that white feminists recognize the ways in which racism affects elections and the growing disparity in voting rights and access. Furthermore, Black women must recognize and resist ongoing limitations on our right to vote as well as the rights of other groups whose voting rights have been curtailed, such as those of those incarcerated. Racism is being utilized to deny our voices a platform and make our votes insignificant, and we can no longer afford to ignore this. This includes combating policies that undermine the right to vote, or even the right to vote easily, and making protecting voting rights a priority.
To understand other various ways you can use Hood Feminism to combat other feminist issues, such as education, housing, parenting while Black, the reigning patriarchy, reproductive justice, allies, and more, give Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall a read or listen.
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Taysha Robinson is a writer and high school English teacher, based in metro-Atlanta. A self described philomath, you can find her reading books and articles of every genre, attending educational conferences, and hiking wherever the terrain will allow.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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