The Double Standard Of “Loving” Boys And “Raising” Girls

The Dangers Of Loving Boys And Not Raising Them Too

Her Voice

In passing, I read a tweet that read, "A lot of mothers are actually the reason why their sons are toxic narcissistic assholes...but y'all aren't ready for that discussion." Triggered into deep thought of the many examples of this man who I have stumbled across in my life, I mentally shook my hand like a polaroid picture in the air per Andre 3000's instructions, fervently murmuring "owww" as if I could get her attention to let her know I was ready from over on this end.

I've heard my aunt talk a million times about raising a strong black girl with reckless regard for the type of son she is raising—one like her brother and many of the men I've come to know in my life who have been "loved" instead of raised.

It's no coincidence as she helped her mother to spoil and love her older brother to the impairment of his independence and ability to think in a way that reflects his physical age: 50! That of a grown ass man. And now I watch shaking my head as the cycle of men who don't do dishes, don't cook, and are disruptive to their environment are carried on the teet due to society's desire to infantilize boys long past the age of boyhood.

We raise girls—especially black girls—in a way that demands they grow up sooner than they should have to and etches the strong black woman trope into them bankrolling on it making them rather than breaking them.

The prejudice ways in which we treat boys and girls has dichotomous outcomes to say the least. The aforementioned examples are lite by comparison. "So what he doesn't do dishes. He's a little spoiled." But I've seen the dangerous side of raising boys inadequately due to their codependency on mothers as well, as codependency often comes tethered to a lack of accountability and willingness to admit what your child is capable of while out of your line of sight.

I watched my best friend of 20 years work her ass off in high school for a new car after a car accident that was truly an accident while her brother was bought 2-3 brand new cars in a two-year period — rewarded for his poor decisions to get behind the wheel under foolish circumstances.

I've watched as she has had to table her education because her mother wouldn't sign for a loan for her because she chose to do it for her son to attend an out-of-state institution he hadn't earned after years of his time in high school had been spent doing damage control on his poor decisions, including being kicked out of school.

The men in my world are but a microcosm of the world we live in.

I believe black mothers may be more gentle on our sons because they have a tough world to face once they leave the nest but that's all the more reason why we have to do better at finding balance and stop making acts of responsibility a gendered experience. What message does it send to little black girls when they're forced to carry little black boys on their back with little to no reciprocity due to the lack of responsibility and accountability we place on boys and men?

Girls are taught to be responsible while teaching both boys and girls that "boys will boys." And for the sake of time and energy, I won't even go into how this lack of accountability plays out in rape culture but baaaaby. What I will say is that it also plays into the adultification of black girls, or the belief that black girls are held more accountable for their well-being as it concerns sexual assault and other issues they face starting at the age of five, yet for black boys this age is ten. It does however create a cesspool of men for us women to choose from as they seek out women who have been to them what their sisters and mothers have been to them: pacifiers who coddle them from the real world.

What's more is that Black women are here to lift black men up out of reciprocity, not to be stepping stones.

Our role as black mothers (present and future) means creating the aforementioned balance that allows all children to be children as long as time will allow but prepares them to be efficient and self-sufficient in adulthood. And our role as a black community? Ensure that in black love, whether familiar or romantic, black men are still learning the importance of pouring back into their women in the ways that we pour into them.

The trope of the strong black woman -- the romanticizing of the black woman's strength -- will be the end of us. Being taught we must pour into everyone but ourselves will be the end of us. We have to pour into ourselves and be poured into, and this must be taught early on. We cannot continue to carry the entire team on our back; it's not good for us or our black male counterparts.

So when I speak of loving our boys to death, it's not just their detriment that I'm talking about but ours as well.

Featured image by Getty Images

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our weekly newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

Black Girl Childhood Is A Myth

My Parents Made Me Think I Was White My Whole Life

We Asked Celebs To Debunk The Most Common Misconceptions About Men

In Order To Love A Black Man, I Had To First Forgive My Father

You know what? Sometimes, you've got to push a few coins aside and determine in your mind that you're going to invest into your sex life (if you had a sex jar, this would be easier to do, by the way. You can read more about what that is all about here). If you're someone who is totally down to do that, but you don't have a clue where to begin, boy have you come to the right place! Between the joy of being a writer who sometimes gets samples sent to me, the constant research that I do for the couples I work with and having folks shout-out certain items semi-often, I've compiled a list of 12 sex-related items that may seem random AF (a pun is kind of intended there) and, at the same time, can make sex so much better between you and your partner. Where's your pad at? You're definitely gonna wanna take note.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about someone who once told me that they had an annual week-long summer rendezvous that lasted for over 15 years with someone else. Yep — this individual would meet up with another person who lived in a different state, solely to have sex for a week straight, and then return to their city as if nothing ever happened. According to them, the only reason why this ritual romp eventually came to an end is because the other person decided to get serious about someone else; however, it wasn't until it ended that the person who told me the story realized how attached they actually had become to their sex partner (a cautionary tale). After I completed my lil' tale, my friend simply said, "Oh, I do that s — t every cuffing season. There are some people who I only talk to around this time of year, we f — k around and then that's that until the season comes around again."

Keep reading... Show less

How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks about love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.

When it comes to sexuality, there have always been societal limitations centered on what is "acceptable." However, with more honest conversations about how fluid sexuality and sexual expression can be, now there are so many more opportunities for self-exploration and taking back ownership of our identities again. One couple that is living their truth and being sexual beings unapologetically while living and loving their lives are Jasmine Johnson and King Noire.

Keep reading... Show less

I'm so excited because one of my favorite unscripted shows is back. OWN's Ready to Love is a dating series that follows professionals over 30, looking for long-lasting relationships. Hosted by Nephew Tommy, it follows singles who desire true connections and are grouped together to find them.

Keep reading... Show less

Social media influencer and actress Tabitha Brown has garnered viral fame through her inspirational and vegan videos on Instagram, thanks to her cheerful personality and infectious smile. Now, she is entering a new phase in her life as an author. The 42-year-old released Feeding the Soul on Sept. 28 and recently shared an emotional video of herself after finding out her book was number one on the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Jill Scott Talks Balance, 'Highway To Heaven' & Not Burning Herself Out To Produce

In this exclusive, the actress dishes on executive producing the reboot, and balancing business and motherhood.

Latest Posts