The Double Standard Of “Loving” Boys And “Raising” Girls
In passing, I read a tweet that read, "A lot of mothers are actually the reason why their sons are toxic narcissistic assholes...but y'all aren't ready for that discussion." Triggered into deep thought of the many examples of this man who I have stumbled across in my life, I mentally shook my hand like a polaroid picture in the air per Andre 3000's instructions, fervently murmuring "owww" as if I could get her attention to let her know I was ready from over on this end.
I've heard my aunt talk a million times about raising a strong Black girl with reckless regard for the type of son she is raising—one like her brother and many of the men I've come to know in my life who have been "loved" instead of raised.
It's no coincidence as she helped her mother to spoil and love her older brother to the impairment of his independence and ability to think in a way that reflects his physical age: 50! That of a grown-ass man. And now I watch shaking my head as the cycle of men who don't do dishes, don't cook, and are disruptive to their environment are carried on the teet due to society's desire to infantilize boys long past the age of boyhood.
We raise girls—especially Black girls—in a way that demands they grow up sooner than they should have to and etches the strong Black woman trope into them bankrolling on it making them rather than breaking them.
The prejudiced ways in which we treat boys and girls have dichotomous outcomes, to say the least. The aforementioned examples are lite by comparison. "So what he doesn't do dishes. He's a little spoiled." But I've seen the dangerous side of raising boys inadequately due to their codependency on mothers as well, as codependency often comes tethered to a lack of accountability and willingness to admit what your child is capable of while out of your line of sight.
I watched my best friend of 20 years work her ass off in high school for a new car after a car accident that was truly an accident while her brother was bought 2-3 brand new cars in a two-year period — rewarded for his poor decisions to get behind the wheel under foolish circumstances.
I've watched as she has had to table her education because her mother wouldn't sign for a loan for her because she chose to do it for her son to attend an out-of-state institution he hadn't earned after years of his time in high school had been spent doing damage control on his poor decisions, including being kicked out of school.
The men in my world are but a microcosm of the world we live in.
I believe Black mothers may be more gentle on their sons because they have a tough world to face once they leave the nest but that's all the more reason why we have to do better at finding balance and stop making acts of responsibility a gendered experience. What message does it send to little black girls when they're forced to carry little Black boys on their back with little to no reciprocity due to the lack of responsibility and accountability we place on boys and men?
Girls are taught to be responsible while teaching both boys and girls that "boys will boys." And for the sake of time and energy, I won't even go into how this lack of accountability plays out in rape culture but baaaaby. What I will say is that it also plays into the adultification of Black girls, or the belief that Black girls are held more accountable for their well-being as it concerns sexual assault and other issues they face starting at the age of five, yet for Black boys, this age is ten. It does however create a cesspool of men for us women to choose from as they seek out women who have been to them what their sisters and mothers have been to them: pacifiers who coddle them from the real world.
What's more is that Black women are here to lift Black men up out of reciprocity, not to be stepping stones.
Our role as Black mothers (present and future) means creating the aforementioned balance that allows all children to be children as long as time will allow but prepares them to be efficient and self-sufficient in adulthood. And our role as a Black community? Ensure that in Black love, whether familial or romantic, Black men are still learning the importance of pouring back into their women in the ways that we pour into them.
The trope of the strong Black woman -- the romanticizing of the Black woman's strength -- will be the end of us. Being taught we must pour into everyone but ourselves will be the end of us. We have to pour into ourselves and be poured into, and this must be taught early on. We cannot continue to carry the entire team on our back; it's not good for us or our Black male counterparts.
So when I speak of loving our boys to death, it's not just their detriment that I'm talking about but ours as well.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images