Being a Black woman is a double-edged sword that is skillfully crafted and delicately balanced. On the one hand, we have been honed and sculpted into powerful, independent women who can look after ourselves and our loved ones, while still creating significant works of art. On the other side, there are times when the pain of our forced invincibility and independence pierces so deeply that an endless stream of blood, sweat, and tears flows.
Overuse has made us dull, but we still shine. After all, Black women are the only things to grow without nourishment. Yet, despite our incredible achievement, this precarious balance shouldn't have become our norm. With protection on one end and potential danger lurking around the other, we shouldn't have accepted this balancing act as the ultimate truth. If we stop considering the blades of this sword as an inevitable outcome, it may lose its edge.
Therefore, rather than being content with the fact that we were injured one moment and recovered the next, we should want to fully heal ourselves to avoid engaging in this dangerous balancing act. To make sure our healing is effective and less risky, here are the top self-help/self-development books to help every Black woman set these blades aside to become someone where their overuse is never necessary.
'Daring Greatly,' 'Atlas of the Heart,' and 'The Power of Vulnerability' by Brené Brown
'Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead' by Brené Brown
Amazon
Brené Brown's holy trifecta, in my opinion, are these three books. These self-help books detail how shame and fear have influenced our behaviors and, in turn, our lives, with each book building on the one before it. However, these books don't only bring to light our flaws or fear of being flawed, but they provide us with information on how to escape its stifling hold. Whether it is daring to be great (Daring Greatly), choosing vulnerability in moments of uncertainty (The Power of Vulnerability), or understanding our emotions and why they are felt (Atlas of the Heart), Brown's readings will help you develop by finally allowing you to understand yourself and why you behave the way you do.
'Atomic Habits' by James Clear
'Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones' by James Clear
Amazon
Atomic Habits is a self-help book that I admit took me a while to get to, but as time passes, I find it's one I love the most. Atomic Habits offers readers suggestions on how to maintain easy habits that will gradually add up to the impact they desire for the life they desire. It is an essential guide for eradicating bad habits and establishing good ones in just four easy stages. It illustrates how minor, consistent alterations to daily routines over time can result in considerable, beneficial change. This book won't make fun of you for the behaviors you already have or how you even started developing them. Instead, it highlights the things that we have accepted as part of ourselves through normalization and shows us why changing it might help us for the better.
'Hood Feminism' by Mikki Kendall
'Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot' by Mikki Kendall
Amazon
Another novel I would recommend reading for self-development is Hood Feminism by Mikki Kendall. This reading addresses the feminist movement's current blind spot: women. Despite the fact that Black women (and women of color) experience food insecurity, a lack of a livable salary, restricted access to high-quality healthcare, and limited access to excellent education, these issues are never brought up when the feminist movement is discussed. Consequently, the feminist movement hasn't made much progress. Kendall highlights the various issues that affect Black women on a long-term basis, such as race, class, and sexual orientation, and how these overlap with gender. This book will inspire you to become the feminist you've always been and wanted to be; it inspires everyone to embody the true goals of the feminist movement in words and actions.
'The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love' by Sonya Renee Taylor
'The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love' by Sonya Renee Taylor
Amazon
"The Body Is Not an Apology" is a global movement that proclaims to be driven by love, and focuses on how to heal wounds brought on by other people's beliefs, morality, and bodies. This book, written by eminent activist and poet Sonya Renee Taylor encourages readers to rediscover the revolutionary roots of their minds and bodies to celebrate the enduring power of community. Taylor exhorts people to disrupt the institutions that support body shame and oppression against all by putting aside ingrained body shame. This reading will transform your life in realms that you'd never believe. I discovered countless ways to be more sympathetic toward my body and the container that houses my spirit through reading The Body Is Not an Apology. With the help of this text, I developed a softer gaze when I looked in the mirror.
'Unf*ck Yourself' by Gary John Bishop
'Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life' by Gary John Bishop
Amazon
The excellent self-help bookUnf*ck Yourself discusses how we could be getting in our own way. This book, which I think should be listened to as an audiobook, frankly deconstructs the numerous ways we've managed to screw ourselves over and the ways in which other things are just beyond our control. Gary John Bishop explains to readers how to escape our minds and begin living our most fulfilling lives through insightful advice and vulgar language, just as he would if he were speaking to a friend.
'Your Next Level Life' by Karen Arrington
'Your Next Level Life: 7 Rules of Power, Confidence, and Opportunity for Black Women in America' by Karen Arrington
Amazon
Karen Arrington's Your Next Level Life makes me want to grab my sisters and exclaim, "Giiiiiirrrrll, do I have a book for you!" This book offers seven ways for one to start living their best lives in their work, lifestyle, and wealth with the legacy of Black greatness in mind. It tells Black women that we don't have to accept an existence of inferiority and obscurity. Instead, we can make large plans, aim for greater chances, and have confidence in our ability to fight for what is rightfully ours. A quick read, this book will have you return to it over and over, again.
'You Are a Badass' by Jen Sincero
'You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life' by Jen Sincero
Amazon
Whether you want to listen to it as an audiobook or flip through the pages quickly, any way you decide to devour this book, you won't be sorry. Jen Sincero's book You Are a Badass effectively educates you on the fact that you are a badass. And despite the fact that society and life can show you the opposite, this book serves as a reminder of all the different ways you are magnificent. This self-help book demonstrates the various methods we might start believing in ourselves to accomplish our goals, as opposed to doubting our abilities. The book is humorous, light on difficult subjects, and ultimately wonderful in that it lays out easy steps for living the lives we were designed to live.
'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk
'The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma' by Bessel van der Kolk
Amazon
The book The Body Keeps the Scoreexplores how trauma shapes and controls how people live their lives. It is likely the most significant book on this list for me because of how my mental health has changed. Bessel van der Kolk explains how numerous traumas we have endured in our lives are still influencing us today in this book using research and actual situations. He illustrates the numerous ways our interactions with others shape our relationships with ourselves, regardless of whether our problems began with our parents or developed as a result of constant struggles. Bessel van der Kolk demonstrates how the horror and isolation at the center of trauma literally transform the brain and body. This book will leave readers in awe of their resiliency and the ability our connections have to both harm and heal.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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