The Key To True Career Fulfillment Is Healing That Trauma, Sis.
As Black women, we're no strangers to trauma, especially when it comes to our professional lives. And as empowered as many of us are, there are still lingering triggers that are a direct result of trauma. So, this makes taking on a healing journey vital for us, especially when we're ambitious and making big moves in our careers.
"We deserve ease and the mental clarity that comes with resolving the wounds within us–that continue to exist within our families and our communities," said Dr. Mariel Buqué, a trained psychologist and author of Break the Cycle: A Guide To Healing Intergenerational Trauma. "Our addressing the remnants of trauma means that we give ourselves the opportunity to have healthier connections and healthier outcomes in every area of our lives."
I caught up with Dr. Buqué to talk more, in this exclusive interview with xoNecole, about what exactly intergenerational trauma is, how its effects can manifest in the workplace, and how Black women can tap into our higher selves for healing.
Dr. Mariel Buqué
Photo via DrMarielBuqué.com
xoNecole: Your book talks about intergenerational trauma, and I’d love to get more context on how it affects the way we show up at work. What is intergenerational trauma, and how can the effects be reflected in the workplace?
Dr. Mariel Buqué: Intergenerational trauma is the only type of trauma that’s actually handed down the family line. It happens at the intersection of our biology and psychology. … It’s a very comprehensive and complex process by which we are to acquire any kind of genetic imprints from our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, [and] ancestors who have suffered.
Typically, when we’re conceived, we inherit gene markers that actually are reflective of the emotional pain that the people that came before us have suffered.
xoN: Whoa! That's deep!
MB: I always get that. [Laughs] What that means, in essence, is that it creates a biological vulnerability for us in reference to stress and trauma, so we become more tender and vulnerable to stress, and our emotions become more heightened. Intergenerational trauma shows up at work in multiple ways. We can talk about how it shows up from an individual standpoint. Many Black and Brown women might have already been socialized to self-soothe or take care of themselves, and that leads to the kind of behaviors that reflect hyper-independence and an inability to show any signs of perceived weakness.
In a workplace environment, they might be susceptible to being overburdened with work or having more work put on them because of their hyper-independent behavior. They may engage with folks in a way that may be perceived [as] distant or cold, but in reality, we’re just socialized to be very sturdy, and even when things are happening around us that might unnerve other people, there’s a sturdiness in us that’s there because we’ve had to hold so much—socialized to hold a lot of the burdens that surround us.
"Intergenerational trauma shows up at work in multiple ways. Many Black and Brown women might have already been socialized to self-soothe or take care of themselves, and that leads to the kind of behaviors that reflect hyper-independence and an inability to show any signs of perceived weakness."
xoN: You also detail grounding methods as tools for healing intergenerational trauma. How can we use these methods at work in cases where we’re in situations where we feel triggered due to trauma or where trauma shows up manifested in our workplace interactions?
MB: The sound bath meditations are one of the [tools] I use in my practice because sound bowls emit frequencies that make us feel more calm. They actually create micro-vibrations that help heal both the mind and body.
Sound medicine is not just constricted to sound bowls. We have so many instruments.
xoN: How can we practice grounding while at work? What methods can we use that are office- or work-friendly?
MB: There are three skills that I usually gravitate toward [in helping] people who are really busy, including professionals, to integrate grounding into their day in a way that doesn’t feel like an added task.
There’s a lot that’s happening when we’re doing any one of these practices. I’m very specific about the deep breathing. I think we’ve popularized, ‘Oh girl, go take a breath,’ and people take one or three breaths and think that it’s done. They forget that we’re fighting against the imprints that have been decades—sometimes hundreds of years long—living in our family line. Those imprints are really deeply embedded into our cellular memories. So we need to take at least five minutes to really let our nervous system register, ‘Oh we’re relaxed. We’re trying to relax.’
Usually, people who are very busy say, ‘Who has five minutes?’ and I say, ‘Well, you have 1,440 minutes in the day. If you take five of those minutes, let’s say, at the top of your day, in case you can’t bake it in any time else, you’re already doing so much of the work to help you relieve some of that stored-up tension.’
Humming is a ventral vagal nerve stimulator. In particular, when we hum very low, like a Barry White low, or the ‘Ohm’ sound, derived from Sangsritch. We can sing any song we love—just hum it in a low tone—that already creates that stimulation process.
The third is rocking. When we move slowly to a rhythm and sway back and forth, we’re actually creating that relaxation response. I always like to remind folks, take it back to when you were a baby or toddler and a caregiver—grandma or somebody—was rocking you to sleep. Why did you go to sleep? Because it’s actually stimulated a relaxation response and your mind and body and you felt like you were safe.
There are tangible, acceptable tools that anybody can use at any point and time in their day, and just bake it in. You can do it without anyone noticing.
xoN: You get into the concept of the “intergenerational higher self” in your book as well. What is it, and how can we pursue this or find our higher self in the context of work?
MB: It’s the version of ourselves that’s not deep in trauma but has a higher consciousness and has an elevated mindset. They want to really draw from innate wisdom, but also ancestral wisdom—whatever it is that has made it so that the people who came before us actually made it to overcome. All of that lives in us—both from a biological and a psychological end. We have biological preparedness that helps us to overcome things our ancestors went through. There’s so much in our bodies and minds that holds a lot of true and innate strength.
When we’re presented with circumstances in our work environment that might be triggering or could be challenging, we have an opportunity to tap into that innate wisdom within us and engage in choices that can align with our values, rather than make choices that are coming out of places of trauma. We [need to] tap into our higher self, with greater frequency, on any given day—not when we’re the most stressed out. We need it when we’re the most stressed out, but it’s essential for us to practice just tapping into it every day.
Any one of us will need to actually do some of the work to help soothe ourselves on a regular basis in order to be able to easily tap into that wiser part of ourselves.
When we do the humming, the rocking, and all those things—anything that’s grounding—on a consistent basis, it buys us time. It gives us a 2- to 3-second window between when someone says something out of pocket… to be able to sit with the information, hold it in a way that doesn’t create toxic stress within us, and think about how we’re going to respond. And those 2-3 seconds are gold because it allows that innate wisdom to come in. When we’re settling our nervous system, with greater frequency, on a daily basis, it allows us to buy that time.
Take five minutes of each and every one of those days, and you deposit those five minutes into regenerating your nervous system and the way in which your emotions are structured. Within a year’s time, you’d be able to sit with the emotions you hold much differently than you have in the last four decades.
"When we’re presented with circumstances in our work environment that might be triggering or could be challenging, we have an opportunity to tap into that innate wisdom within us and engage in choices that can align with our values, rather than make choices that are coming out of places of trauma."
xoN: But how do we know or recognize that person? How can those of us who are stuck in patterns or whose interactions are often driven or triggered by trauma even recognize and pursue the “intergenerational higher self”?
MB: It’s really helpful to actually imagine. A lot of us, Black and Brown women, are doing a lot of imaginative work. And that’s the thing, sometimes we have to imagine who these people are because they are a version of ourselves in a future sense. A version of ourselves that has done the healing work, that can walk upright and step into a room with our heads held high and knows what to say and how to settle themselves and all these things. It’s a version of ourselves we have to imagine.
For example, when I first imagined my intergenerational higher self, I knew she had short hair, had glasses. She was surrounded by books. She was independent in her work—meaning she worked with other people but didn’t belong to one particular organization, which I don’t.
She was writing. She also held this wisdom and ability to use her voice. I’m a very introverted person—I’ve always been very shy–but it was a lot of the trauma. I needed to imagine [that version of me] to be able to now be somebody who speaks to crowds, who does the healing work, who writes, has glasses, and has short hair. She’s also the living embody of her grandmother’s wisdom and kindness. All of that is who I’m stepping into, but we have to imagine her first.
To find out more about Dr. Mariel Buqué, and her book, Break the Cycle: A Guide To Healing Intergenerational Trauma, follow her on Instagram or visit her website.
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Featured image by StockRocket/Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
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Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
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