Whenever we reach a roadblock in life, a number of different questions come to mind. Why me? What’s the purpose of this? What is all this trying to teach me? It's during these moments that life has a subtle way of nudging us to pause and listen because a necessary change could be on the horizon.
These inward signs are nothing to brush off as insignificant. In fact, when we see the outward manifestations of our stuckness in the form of hopelessness, purposelessness, and loss of enthusiasm, it’s a signal to acknowledge the unrest stirring beneath the surface.
Thankfully, we’re not just passengers to our journey, we get to be in the driver’s seat of our lives and course correct as we see fit. And amidst our weariness, there’s an even greater opportunity for clarity within the discomfort. By delving deep into our thoughts, emotions, and aspirations, we can transform our situation and become the person we truly desire to be.
To help, we’ve tapped Dr. Dain Heer, author of Being You, for the best questions to ask ourselves to become the fully actualized versions of ourselves that we want (and deserve) to be.
Q: What are some signs that it might be time for introspection in order to become our higher self?
A: What's true for us always makes us lighter and when we're trying to live according to other people's points of view of what we should be or do, we often get tired and unhappy. These are signs that we need to start looking in a different place for what needs to change.
Some of the warning signs may appear:
- When you don’t feel like yourself.
- When you are not happy.
- When things aren’t “working out” or you feel like you are stuck.
- When things feel heavy or roadblocks keep coming up.
- When you feel dissatisfied and in your head, you know that monkey mind voice that keeps coming up.
- When you are also very tired.
Q: What are a few questions one can ask ourselves to become the person we desire to be?
A: Firstly, I would find a quiet space and ask: “If I could create anything in my life in the next five years, what would it be?”
You may want to write it down or speak it into a recorder and examine these six areas of life: money and finances, business and work, relationship, body, and location. Get a sense of how it would feel to have these things exactly how you would like them. Then, ask the question: "What can I choose, and what do I need to change to create a life that I love?"
Some other great questions to ask yourself daily are:
- What else is possible for me that I've never considered?
- What if none of what I've been living has to be my reality in the future?
- What will my life be like in five years if I choose this?
- How does it get better than this?
- What else is truly possible?
- What would it take for this to be greater than I ever thought was possible?
- What's right about me I'm not getting?
- What limiting beliefs or patterns am I ready to release?
- Am I being true to myself, or am I living according to others' expectations?
Q: Why are times of introspection and self-reflection important for our overall growth?
A: In today's world, we tend to be very go-go-go — running from one fire to the next. We very seldom have a sense that we are present in our lives and in control. Introspection and self-reflection allow us to gain awareness again of what's actually true for us. Remember, what's true always makes you lighter.
We are capable of miracles and part of what it takes is for us to get presents and ask for what we would truly desire. Introspection and self-reflection [are] so important because [they] get us out of the autopilot that we've been functioning from and get us present in our lives, and when we're present in our lives, we can create our lives.
"When we're present in our lives, we can create our lives."
Q: What habits or behaviors could prevent us from becoming the person we envision, and how can we overcome them?
A: Judgment. It is the biggest killer of possibilities on this planet. Judgment of others and, most importantly, judgment of yourself. When you notice yourself doing self-judgment, ask yourself: "Who does this belong to? Is this mine? Or am I just aware of it?" And if it lightens up at all, it's not yours and returns it to whoever it came from.
Perfection is the highest form of judgment. Practice self-compassion and be your biggest cheerleader. If you are going to be true to yourself, you have to be willing to be you and be willing to disappoint people. When you are connected with you, your life becomes easier, you become happier, and become an invitation for others to be themselves.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Serena Williams Hits Back At Skin-Bleaching Accusations: 'I’m A Dark, Black Woman, And I Love Who I Am'
Serena Williams is clapping back at skin-bleaching accusations. During a makeup tutorial for her beauty brand, Wyn Beauty, the tennis legend took the opportunity to address the "haters."
“And then I put just that neutral color, that is actually my skin color, and no, for you haters out there, I do not bleach my skin,” she said. “There is a thing called sunlight, and in that sunlight, you get different colors.”
The rumors started after the mom of two posted a video of herself and her husband, Alexis Ohanian, at their daughter's school play. In the video, she appeared to look a few shades lighter. During her response, she revealed that she was volunteering at the play and wore stage makeup.
“Yes, I’m calling you out on this because it is ridiculous that everyone’s like, ‘Oh, she bleached her skin,’" she said. "I’m a dark, Black woman, and I love who I am, and I love how I look and that's just not my thing.”
The 23-time Grand Slam champion also said that she doesn't judge anyone who bleaches their skin as she "stays in my lane."
Serena has always had style on and off the court, and even collaborated with Nike with her own collection Serena Williams Design Crew. However, the tennis champ has now pivoted into beauty.
Wyn Beauty was launched in April 2024 with at 10-piece collection of lip, eye, and complexion products. The brand was inspired by Serena's time on the court and the packaging is reminiscent of a tennis ball due to its chartreuse color.
“Throughout my career, I was always searching for makeup that looked good after hours on the court, mixing products myself and creating my own formulas while traveling the world,” she said in a statement. As she continues to make a name for herself in the beauty industry, I'm sure we will see a lot more looks from the tennis star.
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Feature image by Marc Piasecki/WireImage