We all know that Black women, as educated, talented, and amazing as we are, have been paid and treated unequally in traditional workplaces for decades, especially when it comes to our pay.
To bring attention to the gender pay gap, the U.S. has recognized Equal Pay Day yearly, on March 15, since the mid-'90s, an effort sparked by the National Committee on Pay Equity. Then a shift happened where there was a vital need to specifically highlight pay disparities by ethnicity.
Recent research has found that, on average, Black women make 58 cents for every dollar their white male counterparts make, while white women make 73 cents for every dollar made by white men. (In other words, according to the AAUW, Black women make 42% less than white men and 21% less than white women.)
Black Women’s Equal Pay Day is commemorated on Sept. 21 to bring to light how much longer it takes for us to catch up to the earnings of her white counterparts.
While the overarching key to destroying the pay gap, especially for Black women, lies in the hands of the U.S. government and corporate leaders and requires major systemic shifts in how women are recruited, how their salaries are budgeted and negotiated, how companies are legally held responsible for breaches in pay equity, and other vital systemic changes related to bias and discrimination, there are ways we can empower ourselves, advocating for equal pay and ensuring that we get what we deserve. Here are five ways to do so in your workplace:
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1. Always, always, always negotiate your salary, and get advisement if needed.
It might seem intimidating to push back after getting a great job offer, especially if the offer seems amazing. Research has shown that women are less likely to negotiate when it comes to salary, and they're leaving millions of dollars on that table. That notion alone is enough reason for you to speak up to at least see whether there's more that you should be getting for your talent and time.
No matter what job you're up for or the field you're in, always do your research on what a reasonable salary and benefits package should be and consider your lifestyle, unique talents, and credentials before accepting an offer.
You can look up salaries via sites like Glassdoor or Salary.com or follow IG pages like Salary Transparent Street to get a gauge of how much people make at their respective jobs. It's also a good idea to do a bit of informal comparative research in your real-life network and ask others about their salary negotiation and pay experiences.
Talking with a lawyer, leadership coach, trusted friend, family member, or someone who has sustained a successful and lucrative career is a good idea as well, especially if you're up for a management, director, or executive position. My best career decisions related to salary negotiations and advocating for what I deserve have been made with advisement from mentors (several of whom were men) and my own mom, who handles budgets and has experience in hiring decisions, and who has, unfortunately, often been one of the only Black people in leadership in her workplace.
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2. Once in a leadership position, use your voice, actions, and influence to push for fair compensation practices.
If you're a manager, a leader in the C-suite, or a business owner (whether a small or mid-sized company), find ways to advocate for equal pay for employees, especially when recruiting new talent. Look into the way in which you set salaries and how you perceive "value" when it comes to an employee. Hire a consultant, do your research, and talk with teams to see what is feasible, what expectations exist, and what biases you might be holding as they relate to gender and pay.
Sometimes it's as simple as just offering women fair salaries, especially if you're the one handling budgets or one of the decision-makers for budgets and approvals.
Speak up when you see issues of inequity in pay. (In some cases, there are legal issues associated with this, as well as your possible role as an accomplice to wrongdoing.) Help create an environment where pay is talked about openly and honestly and where there's a sense of fairness exhibited via actual policies (on paper and enforceable). Offer options to compensate women that are also complimentary to salary in ways that accommodate women's needs that, while outside of work, affect the work that they do (ie. childcare, PTO, healthcare, and performance incentives).
When all else fails, withdraw your talents (via resignation) or support from companies that have historically been known for not paying women equally or who have supported, in action, policies that don't make equity a priority. Take legal action when applicable.
There are indeed women who see equal pay as a major factor in their leadership values. I'll never forget the time when a Black woman CEO upped my employment offer by several thousand dollars (on top of the negotiated salary I'd already asked for). It was profound to me because it showed that, while words are encouraging and offering opportunities is awesome, she put money where her advocacy was. It also reminded me to continue doing the same when I'm in the position to negotiate with freelancers and team members I've been privileged to lead and hire.
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3. Build community and rally fellow women professionals, entrepreneurs, and leaders to change policies and culture around pay.
While there's a disparity when it comes to Black women CEOs at major Fortune 500 companies, businesses are significantly impacted by women (and we represent more than 56% of the workforce) so it's a good idea to build community with fellow women at your company and others. When it comes to systemic change, there's power in numbers. Set precedents and rally for changes that urge companies to follow suit. Being strategic about partnering with other women to ensure that compensation offers are not only equal but actually match the time and talent investment of the employee is just good business.
While we often talk about challenges related to white women being allies, there's also a crabs-in-a-barrel sense that Black women do not support one another, especially when in leadership positions, and thus do not actively advocate for one another, via action, when it comes to advancement and pay. This is something that can change.
If we all seek to walk in our purpose, look out for one another (when fair and appropriate), and think of the bigger picture, we can help to close the gap. For example, early in my career, I was told that I was getting market value for a job. After researching, I found that notion to be true and accepted the offer. However, I later found out that a peer—with similar experience and credentials, working in the same industry—was making much more than me at a company of the same size and stature.
While she, a fellow Black media professional, definitely earned less than her male counterparts at her company, it taught me two important lessons: Just because one company is offering a "reasonable" salary, doesn't mean it's fair or equitable, and it would have been a smart move to gain a new friend and support system by authentically connecting with this particular person instead of thinking of her as competition.
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In another situation, I got the chance to advocate for a young woman who was a former coworker. I had about a decade more experience than she did and had gained managerial experience by then, so I knew how salary negotiations worked. She was up for a position at another major global brand and was about to take an offer that not only was a case of low-balling, but it also would have made it difficult for her to sustain a decent lifestyle in that market. And based on the nature of the job, she certainly deserved more.
She felt uncomfortable asking for more money due to the brand and its popularity. There was a fear she'd lose out and end up with no job. I advised her to increase the salary ask and to be kind but assertive in refusing to take the offer until they gave in. I even told her exactly what to say and troubleshot scenarios with her.
She ended up getting $20,000 more than they'd initially offered, accepted the position, got the experience she needed to upgrade her skills and resume, and ended up, later, finding success as a self-employed consultant. She expressed to me that she was grateful for my words of encouragement and guidance. As Black women, we must do our part, small or large to ensure that our sisters are confident, respected, and able to shift the narrative on what people can get away with when it comes to paying us.
4. Support organizations, influencers, and activists shedding light on the issue and/or fighting for equal pay.
You might not feel you're called to activism or fights of a legal nature, and that's okay. You can still do your part by donating to a reputable organization that advocates for pay equity and actively fights against efforts that do not accommodate fair pay for Black women in particular. Like, share, and comment on social posts that offer truthful, research-based, and authentic content about pay for women. (Need a few to start with? Check out the accounts like Ladies Get Paid, The Broke Black Girl, Influencer Pay Gap, or Your Corporate Black Girl.)
Organizations like UN Women, the AAUW, the ACLU, the National Coalition of Black Women, and others work to not only advocate for gender equity but to provide resources for women to take action, advance, and succeed. Do your research and find ways to get involved through volunteering or donating.
When we get real about what people are getting paid, it opens up an honest dialogue about the pay gap. Also, you can't really negotiate or change things from a place of ignorance or naivete. While you can gain a general sense of an average salary via certain online platforms and articles, the reality is, well, reality, and different companies have their respective barriers, biases, company cultures, challenges, and bottom lines.
Behind stats, research reports and statistics are actual people and situations that provide context and true understanding. Knowing the real deal about real-life issues associated with pay is more than helpful and getting real-life knowledge on these things is key.
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5. Use social media, conferences, and events as opportunities to keep the conversation going and spread awareness about the pay gap all year round.
We all like reposting and sharing funny and entertaining content on our social accounts, and it's a great idea to add a few facts about the inequity affecting Black women, how people can fight against it, or, at the very least, how we, as Black women, can stand up for ourselves. Also, information is power, so sharing facts about salary negotiation, how much people actually make in certain positions or at certain companies, and calling out companies that accommodate or actively participate in adding to the problem are great ways to positively add to the narrative.
When hosting conferences and events, adding the topic of pay, especially to the agendas of those targeted to young Black professionals and entrepreneurs, is a good idea. Also, as attendees of popular conferences and events, speaking up about the content that you're paying for and requesting the inclusion of conversations around salary and pay is key.
If you're paying for an experience that is marketed to enrich you or support your success (and you're, in turn, offering a chance for profit for event producers and organizations) shouldn't you have a say in what you're getting in return? Otherwise, why support or go? Even if there are sponsors, what's an event without its attendees? Using our voices via social and at events can help build up infrastructures of solutions-oriented conversations and ultimately, accountability. While it is not the overall solution, it is part of helping to forge the change we need to see.
We face tremendous challenges as Black women in the workplace, however, we can do our part in empowering ourselves by boldly speaking up, supporting one another beyond performative rhetoric, shedding archaic stereotypes, and truly unifying to close the gap through one deliberate act of strategy and defiance at a time.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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