How Honest Are You? With Yourself?

"To thine own self be true." — William Shakespeare


A few years ago, there was a show that came on Lifetime that I actually really liked. It was called UnREAL and it was a take on what goes on behind the scenes of the franchise The Bachelor/Bachelorette (on ABC). Word on the street is that some former producers actually wrote for the show which meant that a lot of the storylines were based on real life situations. Anyway, because a lot of reality television is really anything but real, and oftentimes features a lot of folks who are altering — if not flat-out manipulating — storylines, it was interesting to see (in the third season) one of UnREAL's field producers and master manipulators, Rachel Goldberg, go through a course that she called Essential Honesty. Basically, via a book and some audio sessions, she was reprogramming her mind to not lie — to always tell the truth, no matter what the cost. Trust me, that was quite the mission for her. That character could lie like water.

When I sat down to write this piece, that was the first thing that came to mind. Mostly because, there are a lot of us who also manipulate, if not flat-out lie, oftentimes to ourselves, in the real world. And in order to get out of some of the delusions, distractions and lack of personal accountability cycles that we find ourselves in, it's important that we send ourselves through our own versions of essential honesty.

And just how can you know if you're someone who falls into this category? How can you know for certain that you are indeed honest with yourself most of all? If you've read the content that I've written for this site long enough, you know that I'm big on questions leading to genuine answers. Today, I've got five that could help you to get to the root of whether or not you're as honest with yourself as you should be. But first, why is all of this such a challenge for so many people?

Why Do Folks Struggle with Self-Honesty?


There's someone in my family who lies to themselves…a lot. So much, in fact, that I've had to remove them out of my life (check out "Estranged From A Family Member? Let That Guilt Go.") because when people aren't honest with themselves, it has the domino effect of them not being very honest with others either. And people who are dishonest? They are typically unpredictable. They play a lot of mind games. They don't know how to communicate without gaslighting, deflecting and passing the buck. In short, they are completely draining and exhausting.

How do folks get to that point and place? Chile, that is an article all on its own. Some people were raised by dishonest people and so they learn it from them. Some folks were so harshly disciplined as kids that they lie as a form of self-protection and they don't know how to break out of the pattern. Some people's self-esteem is so low that they've convinced themselves that if they lie to themselves, it will cause them to see themselves in a better light and project a "wholeness façade" to others. Some people lack total self-awareness and so they don't deal well with reality. The list goes on and on. What you can know for sure is someone who isn't honest with themselves can't really trust themselves either. And when you're in that kind of space, you're constantly at war within.

So, how can you know if you are truly honest with yourself? If you're someone who is — genuine; sincere; honorable (and consistent) when it comes to your personal principles and intentions; an individual who operates from a place of fairness; not pretentious; one who operates above board, and is true to yourself, no matter what and above all else? If you can nod your head up and down for all of this, you're in a pretty good space on the self-honesty tip.

However, if after reading that list, you're still somewhat unsure, here are five questions that will hopefully help to bring forth some clarity.

1. Can You Tell the Difference Between Opinions and Facts?


Something that is absolutely hilarious to me about social media is the fact that so many folks will spend all day getting triggered over other people's opinions. More times than not, it's because they have gotten so high-minded about their own opinion that they actually think what they think is a fact. So, when someone challenges what they say, they react as if what they believe is the gospel. Lawd. Egos are really something, ain't they?

When it comes to a telling sign of whether or not you're truly honest with yourself, one of the first things you should definitely think long and hard about is if you know the difference between an opinion and a fact. An opinion is a personal view or attitude. A fact is a piece of information that is a verifiable truth. And no, these are not one and the same.

People who think their opinions are the gospel are unstable in the sense that one, they are basically their thoughts (and sometimes their actions as well) solely on perspective or emotion and two, because of that, they can be all over the place because perspectives and feelings are subject to change, to the point of oftentimes being pretty fickle. The problem with that is if you don't recognize an opinion for what it is, you can tell yourself it is a fact — the truth or reality of something — when it's any and everything but…and that can make for some pretty poor decision-making.

So yeah, I would definitely say that one way to know that you are honest with yourself is if you're able to differentiate between your opinion and actual facts. For instance, the reason why you and your ex didn't work out? You are going to have your opinion and so is he. OK, but what are the actual facts? Feel me?

2. Can You Only Handle Praise, Never Criticism?


One thing about most honest people is they're considered to be decent human beings (I say "most" because some folks are honest about being jerks or assholes; let's be real). They strive to do what is fair and right. Words like "ethical", "law-abiding" and "above board" are synonyms for honesty and they know it and live it. And here's the thing — the reality is, if you want to be this kind of individual, you have to be always open to experiencing personal growth and evolution. This means that you can't always be told what you want to hear; instead, you've got to be willing to let people call you out on your ish. More importantly, you've got to be willing to be real with yourself when you know that you aren't operating from high vibration type of space.

You know, we're living in a world that seems to be creating more and more narcissists by the day. One thing about a narcissist is they have a super-inflated ego because they're all about receiving praise without being able to take much criticism. A part of the reason why is because they have lied to themselves for so long that they believe they've got very few, if any, flaws. Chile, we've all got flaws and areas to work on. Anyone who feels otherwise, they are definitely lying to themselves. So yeah, when it comes to personally evaluating if you are truly honest with yourself or not, it's also important to ask yourself if you are open to criticism (from people you trust and know have your back) as you are to praise. Because another thing about honest people is they are pretty practical and to think that you can only live in a world where folks are applauding you…it really doesn't get much more unrealistic (and semi-ridiculous) than that.

3. Do You Chalk Everything Up to “Shaming”? Or Could You Be PROJECTING?


This "shaming" word wears me out sometimes. It's like any time someone is told something that they don't like or want to hear, someone is shaming them. I'm gonna leave the name of the example that I'm about to use out; however, I was watching a relationship coach talk about how one celebrity who is constantly talking about body image has actually been a walking contradiction. Here's why —while they say that men who don't want to date them due to their body size are "fat shaming", they have actually said that they feel as if their fame and bank account has warranted them a man who isn't their size. In other words, they think men should date them no matter their weight while they only want men with six-packs. Lord.

Does fat shaming exist? Sure, it does. However, in this particular case, it sounds a heck of a lot more like emotional manipulation. So, you want to pressure someone into dating you by telling them that if they don't, they are shaming your body type while you claim to not want to date someone your size yourself and that's all due to personal preference? Who is really doing the shaming? And as the relationship coach said in the video that I watched — are you actually being shamed or are you projecting your own insecurities onto other people?

Chalk it up to being an occupational hazard of sorts yet I am a pretty word-literal individual and if there are two words that get abused in society, more than just a little bit, it's "phobia" (which means a literal fear of something or one) and "shaming" (which, in this context, means to disgrace). Not everyone who disagrees with someone is "phobic" and not everyone who is not attracted to someone is "shaming" them. Sometimes, due to people's own insecurities, they use these words to project how they feel about themselves onto others. Meaning, they try and make other people responsible for their own feeling; then they try and pressure others to overcompensate for where they don't feel very good about themselves. And that? That would be a form of projecting.

I know this particular point isn't discussed much. Oh, but it should be. If there is some area of your life where you feel not so great about yourself and so you try and make others make you feel good about you and then tell them that they are "shaming you" if they don't — that is a form of being dishonest with yourself. It's not someone else's job to overcompensate for where you feel inadequate. Believing otherwise? That would be a lie.

4. Do You Think Life Is About Being Happy All of the Time?


One of the biggest lies ever told in this society is that the goal of life should be to be happy all of the time. What in the world? To be happy is to be delighted in something or someone. To be happy means that something or someone is bringing you pleasure, contentment and/or joy. To be happy means that you feel fortunate and pleased. Listen, we live among fallible humans, not to mention that we are ones ourselves. So, how in the world, are we gonna be happy all of the time?

This is why, it's basically like fingernails on the chalkboard to me, whenever I'm in a session with a married couple who claims they want to end their marriage either because they are no longer happy in their relationship or worse, their spouse doesn't "make them happy" anymore. First of all, marriage is designed to mature you far more than it is supposed to keep you happy every second of the day. Second of all, it's no one's job to "make you happy". The key is to be delighted and content within yourself and then to find an individual who will complement that — and even then, it won't be all of the time because who is happy with themselves…all of the time?

That's why I'm far more interested in folks focusing on the word "healthy" (having good health, a vigorous mind and being prosperous) over being happy. Because while doing what's healthy isn't always going to be pleasurable or pleasing, it will be what's best in the long run. People who are really honest with themselves accept this. People who are dishonest? Well, one of the things that they are constantly focusing on is finding people, places, things and cultivating ideas that will constantly keep them on a "happy high" — whether it's healthy for them or not. Hmph. Talk about living a lie.

5. Would You Rather Be Comfortable? Or Grow?


One more. Growing pains. We're all familiar with what they are, although, unfortunately, I think a lot of folks focus more on the "growing" rather than the "pain" part of the term. While it is totally human and quite understandable that you would want to do what you can to avoid feeling discomfort of any kind, people who are honest with themselves know that if they want to mature and progress in life, some things are going to be difficult, tedious, unpleasant, somewhat hurtful and shoot, downright hard. It's an unavoidable fact (remember, honest people deal in facts).

Meanwhile, folks who lie to themselves, they will find every way to avoid this reality or they will remain stagnant because they would prefer to be comfortable more than they would like to grow. As a direct result, they never really become the full totality of who they were meant to be all along. On the flip, those who are honest with themselves, they will be the first to admit that some things weren't easy and some seasons were damn near excruciating; however, since it caused them to become who they are, it was all worth it. They can honestly say so.

Those who are close to me know that lying is something that I loathe. That's why the Shakespeare quote up at the top of this piece is such a favorite one of mine.

While being dishonest on any level ain't good, if there is anyone who you should be honest with, make sure it is yourself. Knowing the genuine version of you, then operating from that space, may not be easy. Oh, but it's worth it because you can trust who you are and why you are. That develops a level of self-trust that is unmatched. And when you trust yourself, you're on the path to so much more and better than when you're out here…lying. Worst of all — TO YOU.

Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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