

A few years ago, there was a show that came on Lifetime that I actually really liked. It was called UnREAL and it was a take on what goes on behind the scenes of the franchise The Bachelor/Bachelorette (on ABC). Word on the street is that some former producers actually wrote for the show which meant that a lot of the storylines were based on real life situations. Anyway, because a lot of reality television is really anything but real, and oftentimes features a lot of folks who are altering — if not flat-out manipulating — storylines, it was interesting to see (in the third season) one of UnREAL's field producers and master manipulators, Rachel Goldberg, go through a course that she called Essential Honesty. Basically, via a book and some audio sessions, she was reprogramming her mind to not lie — to always tell the truth, no matter what the cost. Trust me, that was quite the mission for her. That character could lie like water.
When I sat down to write this piece, that was the first thing that came to mind. Mostly because, there are a lot of us who also manipulate, if not flat-out lie, oftentimes to ourselves, in the real world. And in order to get out of some of the delusions, distractions and lack of personal accountability cycles that we find ourselves in, it's important that we send ourselves through our own versions of essential honesty.
And just how can you know if you're someone who falls into this category? How can you know for certain that you are indeed honest with yourself most of all? If you've read the content that I've written for this site long enough, you know that I'm big on questions leading to genuine answers. Today, I've got five that could help you to get to the root of whether or not you're as honest with yourself as you should be. But first, why is all of this such a challenge for so many people?
Why Do Folks Struggle with Self-Honesty?
There's someone in my family who lies to themselves…a lot. So much, in fact, that I've had to remove them out of my life (check out "Estranged From A Family Member? Let That Guilt Go.") because when people aren't honest with themselves, it has the domino effect of them not being very honest with others either. And people who are dishonest? They are typically unpredictable. They play a lot of mind games. They don't know how to communicate without gaslighting, deflecting and passing the buck. In short, they are completely draining and exhausting.
How do folks get to that point and place? Chile, that is an article all on its own. Some people were raised by dishonest people and so they learn it from them. Some folks were so harshly disciplined as kids that they lie as a form of self-protection and they don't know how to break out of the pattern. Some people's self-esteem is so low that they've convinced themselves that if they lie to themselves, it will cause them to see themselves in a better light and project a "wholeness façade" to others. Some people lack total self-awareness and so they don't deal well with reality. The list goes on and on. What you can know for sure is someone who isn't honest with themselves can't really trust themselves either. And when you're in that kind of space, you're constantly at war within.
So, how can you know if you are truly honest with yourself? If you're someone who is — genuine; sincere; honorable (and consistent) when it comes to your personal principles and intentions; an individual who operates from a place of fairness; not pretentious; one who operates above board, and is true to yourself, no matter what and above all else? If you can nod your head up and down for all of this, you're in a pretty good space on the self-honesty tip.
However, if after reading that list, you're still somewhat unsure, here are five questions that will hopefully help to bring forth some clarity.
1. Can You Tell the Difference Between Opinions and Facts?
Something that is absolutely hilarious to me about social media is the fact that so many folks will spend all day getting triggered over other people's opinions. More times than not, it's because they have gotten so high-minded about their own opinion that they actually think what they think is a fact. So, when someone challenges what they say, they react as if what they believe is the gospel. Lawd. Egos are really something, ain't they?
When it comes to a telling sign of whether or not you're truly honest with yourself, one of the first things you should definitely think long and hard about is if you know the difference between an opinion and a fact. An opinion is a personal view or attitude. A fact is a piece of information that is a verifiable truth. And no, these are not one and the same.
People who think their opinions are the gospel are unstable in the sense that one, they are basically their thoughts (and sometimes their actions as well) solely on perspective or emotion and two, because of that, they can be all over the place because perspectives and feelings are subject to change, to the point of oftentimes being pretty fickle. The problem with that is if you don't recognize an opinion for what it is, you can tell yourself it is a fact — the truth or reality of something — when it's any and everything but…and that can make for some pretty poor decision-making.
So yeah, I would definitely say that one way to know that you are honest with yourself is if you're able to differentiate between your opinion and actual facts. For instance, the reason why you and your ex didn't work out? You are going to have your opinion and so is he. OK, but what are the actual facts? Feel me?
2. Can You Only Handle Praise, Never Criticism?
One thing about most honest people is they're considered to be decent human beings (I say "most" because some folks are honest about being jerks or assholes; let's be real). They strive to do what is fair and right. Words like "ethical", "law-abiding" and "above board" are synonyms for honesty and they know it and live it. And here's the thing — the reality is, if you want to be this kind of individual, you have to be always open to experiencing personal growth and evolution. This means that you can't always be told what you want to hear; instead, you've got to be willing to let people call you out on your ish. More importantly, you've got to be willing to be real with yourself when you know that you aren't operating from high vibration type of space.
You know, we're living in a world that seems to be creating more and more narcissists by the day. One thing about a narcissist is they have a super-inflated ego because they're all about receiving praise without being able to take much criticism. A part of the reason why is because they have lied to themselves for so long that they believe they've got very few, if any, flaws. Chile, we've all got flaws and areas to work on. Anyone who feels otherwise, they are definitely lying to themselves. So yeah, when it comes to personally evaluating if you are truly honest with yourself or not, it's also important to ask yourself if you are open to criticism (from people you trust and know have your back) as you are to praise. Because another thing about honest people is they are pretty practical and to think that you can only live in a world where folks are applauding you…it really doesn't get much more unrealistic (and semi-ridiculous) than that.
3. Do You Chalk Everything Up to “Shaming”? Or Could You Be PROJECTING?
This "shaming" word wears me out sometimes. It's like any time someone is told something that they don't like or want to hear, someone is shaming them. I'm gonna leave the name of the example that I'm about to use out; however, I was watching a relationship coach talk about how one celebrity who is constantly talking about body image has actually been a walking contradiction. Here's why —while they say that men who don't want to date them due to their body size are "fat shaming", they have actually said that they feel as if their fame and bank account has warranted them a man who isn't their size. In other words, they think men should date them no matter their weight while they only want men with six-packs. Lord.
Does fat shaming exist? Sure, it does. However, in this particular case, it sounds a heck of a lot more like emotional manipulation. So, you want to pressure someone into dating you by telling them that if they don't, they are shaming your body type while you claim to not want to date someone your size yourself and that's all due to personal preference? Who is really doing the shaming? And as the relationship coach said in the video that I watched — are you actually being shamed or are you projecting your own insecurities onto other people?
Chalk it up to being an occupational hazard of sorts yet I am a pretty word-literal individual and if there are two words that get abused in society, more than just a little bit, it's "phobia" (which means a literal fear of something or one) and "shaming" (which, in this context, means to disgrace). Not everyone who disagrees with someone is "phobic" and not everyone who is not attracted to someone is "shaming" them. Sometimes, due to people's own insecurities, they use these words to project how they feel about themselves onto others. Meaning, they try and make other people responsible for their own feeling; then they try and pressure others to overcompensate for where they don't feel very good about themselves. And that? That would be a form of projecting.
I know this particular point isn't discussed much. Oh, but it should be. If there is some area of your life where you feel not so great about yourself and so you try and make others make you feel good about you and then tell them that they are "shaming you" if they don't — that is a form of being dishonest with yourself. It's not someone else's job to overcompensate for where you feel inadequate. Believing otherwise? That would be a lie.
4. Do You Think Life Is About Being Happy All of the Time?
One of the biggest lies ever told in this society is that the goal of life should be to be happy all of the time. What in the world? To be happy is to be delighted in something or someone. To be happy means that something or someone is bringing you pleasure, contentment and/or joy. To be happy means that you feel fortunate and pleased. Listen, we live among fallible humans, not to mention that we are ones ourselves. So, how in the world, are we gonna be happy all of the time?
This is why, it's basically like fingernails on the chalkboard to me, whenever I'm in a session with a married couple who claims they want to end their marriage either because they are no longer happy in their relationship or worse, their spouse doesn't "make them happy" anymore. First of all, marriage is designed to mature you far more than it is supposed to keep you happy every second of the day. Second of all, it's no one's job to "make you happy". The key is to be delighted and content within yourself and then to find an individual who will complement that — and even then, it won't be all of the time because who is happy with themselves…all of the time?
That's why I'm far more interested in folks focusing on the word "healthy" (having good health, a vigorous mind, and being prosperous) over being happy. Because while doing what's healthy isn't always going to be pleasurable or pleasing, it will be what's best in the long run. People who are really honest with themselves accept this. People who are dishonest? Well, one of the things that they are constantly focusing on is finding people, places, things and cultivating ideas that will constantly keep them on a "happy high" — whether it's healthy for them or not. Hmph. Talk about living a lie.
5. Would You Rather Be Comfortable? Or Grow?
One more. Growing pains. We're all familiar with what they are, although, unfortunately, I think a lot of folks focus more on the "growing" rather than the "pain" part of the term. While it is totally human and quite understandable that you would want to do what you can to avoid feeling discomfort of any kind, people who are honest with themselves know that if they want to mature and progress in life, some things are going to be difficult, tedious, unpleasant, somewhat hurtful and shoot, downright hard. It's an unavoidable fact (remember, honest people deal in facts).
Meanwhile, folks who lie to themselves, they will find every way to avoid this reality or they will remain stagnant because they would prefer to be comfortable more than they would like to grow. As a direct result, they never really become the full totality of who they were meant to be all along. On the flip, those who are honest with themselves, they will be the first to admit that some things weren't easy and some seasons were damn near excruciating; however, since it caused them to become who they are, it was all worth it. They can honestly say so.
Those who are close to me know that lying is something that I loathe. That's why the Shakespeare quote at the top of this piece is such a favorite one of mine.
While being dishonest on any level ain't good, if there is anyone who you should be honest with, make sure it is yourself. Knowing the genuine version of you, then operating from that space, may not be easy. Oh, but it's worth it because you can trust who you are and why you are. That develops a level of self-trust that is unmatched. And when you trust yourself, you're on the path to so much more and better than when you're out here…lying. Worst of all — TO YOU.
Featured image by Getty Images
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Listen, I don't know about y'all, but if there is one thing that the past several months have taught me, it's to embrace the space that is all mine that I have total control of—my house.
While I have always been pretty domesticated in the sense of wanting my place to feel as warm and inviting as possible, lately, I've been intentionally investing in the rooms of my home so that they evoke intense feelings of peace, tranquility, and calm. Basically, every time I walk into my front door, I want to be able to exhale, whether I go into my living room, kitchen, bedroom, or even my bathroom.
A part of the reason why this is so important to me is that I have worked from home for years now. Yet whether or not that is your personal testimony, I want to take out some time to encourage you to do all that you can to make your weekend hours at your own house feel as much of an oasis as possible. After all, an oasis is the perfect word for what most of us need right through here, don't you think?
Oasis: something serving as a refuge, relief, or pleasant change from what is usual, annoying, difficult, etc.
If this is exactly what you want, but you need a little help finding some inspiration, I've got 15 tips to help get you started. Ready?
1. Invest in Some Greenery
There are a few awesome reasons to have plants in various rooms of your home. They're proven to be able to help to improve your mood, make you more creative, and decrease your stress levels. Growing up, there were quite a few plants in my house, but I must admit that I like my place to be on the darker side, so I don't have any around at present. What I do have is a huge faux tree in one of my rooms, and I adore it to no end.
So, whether it's the real deal (which can also decrease indoor humidity and noise levels) or something that's just for show (click here for some of the best fake greenery around), add some plants to your place. It will definitely—and immediately—create an oasis effect.
2. Make Your Own Scented Candles
Personally, I don't know anyone who isn't close to being totally in love with candles, especially if they're scented. If you happen to be one of them but you've never contemplated the benefits that come from lighting a few of 'em up, candles provide a calming effect. Based on the scent that you choose, they can also appeal to your sense of smell and put you into a better mood. Plus, candles are a wonderful complement if you're someone who likes to meditate, pray, or journal. And, if your oasis is going to consist of a partner being in your space, candles are mad romantic too.
Thing is, candles aren't always or necessarily the cheapest things on the planet. So, if your budget is super tight, something that you might want to do is make some of your own. It might sound like quite the feat at first, but they're actually easier to make than you might think. You can get a thorough walk-through by checking out this article right here.
3. Get Some Big Throw Pillows
Other than the pillows that you've got on your bed, how many other ones do you own? Something that I dig about big throw pillows is that they immediately make a room look warmer and more appealing. Plus, there's nothing more comfortable than putting a couple of them on the floor and lying on them while listening to some music or watching a movie. As a bonus, many throw pillows are pretty inexpensive.
You can find them everywhere, from Target and Walmart to Big Lots and Bed Bath & Beyond (Apartment Therapy did a feature on where to get some higher-end ones; you can check it out here).
4. Switch Up Your Wall Art
I'm not sure what makes us think that just because we've hung up a particular picture, we can't switch it out with something else. By rotating your wall art, based on your particular mood or even season of the year, not only is it a simple way to avoid getting bored with your décor, but it can totally shift the energy of any given room in your house.
If you want some one-of-a-kind pieces, I've found some really unique and affordable prints on Etsy. Just go to the site and put whatever your favorite kind of art is in the search field.
5. Use Natural Light As Much As Possible
There are a few reasons to make the most of natural light. On the financial tip, it's cheaper than relying on your overhead lights and lamps. Also, natural lighting keeps seasonal depression at bay, helps you to get more vitamin D into your system, and can improve your quality of sleep as well.
If you're someone who is hesitant to open your window treatments up because you're worried that someone can peek in to see what you're up to, there is something called mirror window film that you can apply to your windows. It's cool because it makes it possible for you to look out of your windows while preventing others from being able to look inside of 'em.
Just know that this is designed to work during the day, not at night (as far as looking outside from indoors). Anyway, you can find rolls of the film at a pretty reasonable price at your local home improvement stores.
6. Add More Neutral Hues
If you speak with interior decorators, many of them will say that nothing welcomes the feeling of calm and tranquility quite like neutral colors do. For the record, the four basic hues of neutral are white (which represents purity and cleanliness), black (which represents sophistication and affluence), grey (which represents maturity and reliability) and brown (which represents authenticity and warmth); however, "near neutrals" (which are lighter or darker versions of the four) are great too.
Speaking of colors that are wonderful for creating an oasis-like feeling, pale pastels can also provide a feeling of serenity.
7. Cop Some Seasonal Blankets
I think one of the best things that I ever did to pamper myself was to purchase several throw blankets. At this point, I believe I've got around 10 of 'em. I just like stringing some along my loveseat and ottomans, so that I can curl up in one at any given moment while I'm chillin' in pretty much any room of my house. Just make sure to get the ones that match the season you're in. Cotton and fleece are ideal for spring and summer, while wool, cable knit, and cashmere are more ideal for the fall and wintertime.
8. Take a Milk Bath
The reason why I wrote the article, "Did You Know There's A Right & A Wrong Way To Take A Bath?" around this time last year is because the reality is, not all baths are created equal. The reason why I also wrote, "Make 'National Bathtub Party Day' Your Favorite Day Of The Year" (which rolls around at the top of every December, by the way) is because soaking in your tub is one of the most cost-effective yet also luxurious ways to pamper yourself. If you opt for taking a milk bath from time to time, depending on the kind of milk that you choose, it can perform mini miracles for your overall health and well-being.
Coconut milk and buttermilk contain lauric acid, which supports the skin and the production of collagen. Oat milk soothes dry skin and eczema-related symptoms. Goat milk helps to gently remove dead skin cells. Plus, all of these milks will moisturize your skin in a way that is simply incomparable. Just pour two cups of your preferred milk under warm running water. Then add 1/3 cup of your favorite carrier oil (like coconut oil, grapeseed oil, sweet almond oil, jojoba oil, or avocado oil) and a few drops of your preferred essential oil to provide an aromatherapy effect. I promise that you will struggle with getting out of your bathtub once you set the stage with all of this holistic healing stuff.
9. Create Your Own Massage Oil
In a perfect world, we'd all have a man who lived to give us massages on demand. But if that's not your personal testimony (mine either, chile), that doesn't mean that you have to deprive yourself. Self-given scalp massages are divine. So is rubbing your feet while you're watching your favorite show on Netflix, Hulu, UMC or a free streaming site Tubi. Just make sure you pamper your scalp or skin with an oil. Warming up something like olive, avocado or Jamaican black castor oil is good for your scalp. As far as your skin is concerned, why not make a divinely scented one? I actually happened upon a site that lists a whopping 22 different DIY massage oil recipes. You can check it out here.
10. Play Some ASMR or Soothing Music
The reason why there are articles on this platform like "Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life" is because there's no way around the fact that music is powerful—and powerfully influential. From a scientific standpoint, music is proven to do everything from slow down your breathing and heart rate and reduce stress and anxiety to relieve muscle tension and trigger the production of serotonin so that you're calmer and are able to sleep more soundly.
As far as ASMR goes, while it's only been close to a couple of years now, it has gotten to the point where I never turn in for the night without some rain or ocean waves playing in the background. There is an article I once read that said that ASMR actually has the ability to produce "brain orgasms" from a physiological standpoint. So, if you wish you could be at a beach house, trapped indoors on a rainy day, or could hike through a tropical rainforest, hopping on over to YouTube and putting in your favorite nature sounds can be almost just like being there.
11. Sign Up for a Wine Subscription
If there is one thing that gets y'all super hype on this platform, it's wine! I ain't mad about it either because wine is an alcoholic drink that has a significant amount of health benefits; especially if it's red wine. Red wine is scientifically proven to contain antioxidants known as polyphenols that will help to keep your heart healthy, the plant compound resveratrol that helps to lower your blood pressure and improve your cognitive functions, and other properties that assist in lowering depression-related symptoms. Wine also has nutrients that support you having stronger immunity and glowing skin. You can always run up to your closest liquor or even grocery store to get your favorite bottle. Or, if you're like me and you prefer to be indoors as much as possible on the weekends, another option is to join a wine club or subscription box service. You can find over 20 of the best ones by going here.
12. Order Some Takeout
Eating out isn't always the cheapest thing, especially if you're ordering food to be delivered. I'll give you that. But if you want to support local eateries in your area and enjoy a good meal without having to prepare it, that is always an option that you can take advantage of. If you'd prefer to help out a Black-owned restaurant specifically, Eat Okra is a new app that features those in your local area.
13. Or, Eat Some Calm and Comforting Foods
Really. What's the point in cultivating the perfect ambiance if you're gonna be a nervous wreck either way? Sometimes, in the effort to find a little peace and tranquility, we mess up by chowing down on foods that ultimately cause us to climb the walls (umm, like sugar). Certain foods that promote a sense of harmony are featured in the article on our site, "8 Foods That Will Keep You Cool, Calm & Totally Relaxed". Some other foods that didn't make the list, that are both calming and comforting, include homemade soup, sautéed spinach, avocado toast, grilled salmon, and turkey melts.
14. Put Your Phone on Vibrate
Tell me something. If you were on vacation right now, at your favorite spot, would you have your phone with you, 24/7? Unless you're a parent and your kids aren't with you, if your answer is "yes", please check out "8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down." We've got voicemails on our phone for a reason; one of them is so that we can have moments when we're not constantly checking social media notifications or even chatting back and forth with other people.
If you want to create a sense of calm and serenity on your weekends, put your phone on a charger in another room. Whatever is awaiting you on it…it can wait. It really can.
15. Sleep In
While recently checking out a pretty extensive sleep survey, I noticed that two-thirds of Americans claim to not sleep well during the week. That's a lot of people. If you're one of them, why not use the weekend to get some extra rest in? For the record, there really is no such thing as "catching up on your sleep," but being able to have a couple of days when you don't have to be a slave to your alarm clock—that can be super refreshing and a perfect way to recharge for Monday.
So, definitely make it a point to either go to bed earlier or to stay in bed a little longer on the weekends.
Get some new bedding. Sprinkle some lavender essential oil on your sheets (lavender oil is a natural de-stressor). Drink a little tart cherry juice (the melatonin in it will have you out like a light!). Sleep is a very simple way to get the peace that you've been looking for while you're in the oasis atmosphere that you created for yourself. Make sure that you get some this weekend, aight?
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
Originally published on September 12, 2020