Are You On A "Feedback Loop" When It Comes To Your Ex?
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, who can absolutely attest to the fact that, if there's one thing 2020 provided, it was the opportunity to go totally ham when it comes to checking out what various forms of media provides. What I mean by that is, you've probably never been on Twitter as much, binge-watched television shows as often or checked out movies that you never ever would've considered otherwise, had it not been for this pandemic.
Well, a movie that I personally, that actually serves as the inspiration for this piece, is entitledOpen Tables. It's basically about a whole bunch of white people, who sit around dinner tables, in order to share tales of their relational experiences. Out of all the stories, there was one, in particular, that had me be like "wow". See, there was this couple who were basically on the verge of breaking up. Then, the guy ended up having an accident that caused him to have a bout of very short-term memory loss (kinda like the movie 50 First Dates when Drew Barrymore's character could only remember a day; then she would go to sleep, wake up and mentally start the same day all over again). The woman, his ex, took on the challenge to be his temporary caregiver; since his short-term memory was shot, he was perfectly fine with that. The woman then decided that she would take advantage of his injury by getting him to do all of the things that she wished he had done when they were "officially" together. Pretty soon, she realized that she had fallen for the man she "made up", only for him to eventually regain his memory and want nothing to do with her. Why? Because they had already broken up and he remembered it. Finally.
When the woman went back to the doctor to share how absolutely devastated she was to know that her relationship—the one she had manipulated into becoming just how she wanted it—had once again come to an end, the physician said something that was super on-point. "He was on a feedback loop. You all were on a feedback loop". Then the doctor followed that question up by looking the woman directly in the eyes and asked, "My question is, what made you stay so long?"
Feedback loops. Y'all, won't it preach? Some of us are still caught up in cyclic patterns with our own ex (sometimes, it's even more than one ex) and it's all because of our own customized feedback loops. Are you ready for me to break this down even further so that you can fully and finally get free?
How a “Feedback Loop” Plays Out in a Lot of Relationships
Listen, if anyone is a top candidate to rock a "Feedback Loop" T-shirt, it would definitely have to be me, chile. Articles that I've written on this site like, "Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour", "Why Running Into Your Ex Can Be The Best Thing Ever" and even "You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?" are just three documented examples of how I know what it's like to be in this kind of pattern with a man from my past. That said, even though I've already provided you with a fictionalized example of what a feedback loop is, perhaps you're curious about how it tends to play out in the real world? I get that, so let's start with looking at two definitions of the word "feedback", OK?
Feedback: the furnishing of data concerning the operation or output of a machine to an automatic control device or to the machine itself, so that subsequent or ongoing operations of the machine can be altered or corrected; a reaction or response to a particular process or activity
Alright, so since we're human beings rather than machines, for the sake of where I'm going with this, when it comes to the definitions that I just provided, swap out the word "machine" for "experience" and the word "device" for "mind". Then, you're able to better understand that feedback is data that comes directly from an experience, that goes into the mind so that the experience can then be altered or created. While we're here, it's also worth noting that feedback is the reaction or response that comes out of when this happens too.
Whew. Let's now present this in a way of dealing with an ex. Every single relationship that we have collects data. Our mind collects data. Our heart collects data. If we were sexually active with them, our body collects data too (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'"). OK, well when we're on a feedback loop with someone, it means that the data that our mind, heart, and body collect are oftentimes altered. Altered by whom? Altered by us.
- We may alter it by only reflecting on the good times with our ex.
- We may alter it by focusing on how great the sex was while ignoring how bad the relationship was.
- We may alter it by minimizing how unhealthy the dynamic actually was.
- We may alter it by telling ourselves that we were the only one with the problem or issue (or they were).
- We may alter it by telling ourselves that it's better to be with him than to be alone.
And when we manipulate data in this way, it's very easy to then get a call from our ex or even want to reach out to them—you know, in order to react or respond—because we aren't working with all of the info that we should. We're only seeing what we want to see while ignoring the parts that caused us to end it with them in the first place.
Again, I know exactly what it's like to be caught up in this because, on some level, I've been going around and around with my first love for a couple of decades. No joke. Matter of fact, just last month, we spoke again and there was a part of me, for the billionth time that was like, "maybe…just maybe" (what in the world?!). The good news is I've learned to love myself more than him (that hasn't always been the case) and so, when he told me, also for the billionth time now, that he still loved me and wanted me in his life and we even broached the subject of trying to be friends, I actually considered it. Yet when I told him what I expected from my friendships and again he did not follow through, I realized that what was really going on is I was getting over my feedback loop. Well, kinda.
What I mean by that is, that the way he was even able to get 30 minutes of my time, yet again, is due to my own feedback loop that I still need to silence more than I thought. Because he was my first everything, there is a 19-year-old part of me who still giggles at his jokes and finds comfort in our incomparable familiarity, even all these years later. But y'all—there ain't enough time in today or tomorrow to tell you all of the reasons why we needed to break up—and stay broken up. I will always have profound feelings for him (virgins, be careful who you give it up to; the bond tends to be indescribably profound) yet the loop has to break. Once and for all. Because while he continues to be fine and some mo' fine and there is a chemistry that is bar none, I now get that the manipulated data is the ONLY THING that truly catches me up. It's also what's caused me to waste a lot of time, pondering irrelevant "what ifs" too.
So now that I've put some of my business out in front street in order to paint a clearer picture, ask yourself—are you currently in a feedback loop with someone? Is there a person who you share data, in the form of experiences and memories with, who you keep manipulating/editing the reality of the situation, in order to justify still involving—or even lightly engaging—yourself with them? If so, what really are you getting from that? How is "running around in a loop" getting you anywhere?
How You Can Prevent Using a “Feedback Loop” with an Ex
If you after seeing a feedback loop for what it is, your immediate response is "F—ck! I am most definitely in a feedback loop. What do I do now?" first, don't beat yourself up about it. Chile, it happens to the best of us. Second, I'll lightly touch on a few tips that can hopefully break you totally free—so that you can create better and more beneficial data with someone else.
Write a goodbye letter about the relationship. To yourself. In order to break free from the manipulated data that you've been feeding yourself, the first thing that I recommend is writing a goodbye letter to and for yourself; not so much about the break-up as the feedback loop that you've been in as a direct result of it. Make sure to include why you're in the loop, the experiences and memories that you've been leaving out about the relationship, and why that man is your ex for a reason. Then conclude it with why you deserve more and better (because you do). Store the letter somewhere where you can access it, each and every time you are tempted to "get back in the loop" again so that it can serve as your reality check when all common sense and discernment are totally out of the window.
Stop rehearsing the past; with yourself, friends, or with him. I've gotta admit that probably the main thing that keeps me and my ex going through over and over…and over again, is the fact that whenever we do speak, it's only a matter of time before we find ourselves walking back down memory lane (editing out most of the icky stuff, of course). That ends up feeling so good that we both tell our friends about it and, based on who that is, sometimes they feed into the feedback loop by talking about how precious or romantic all of the reminiscings are. Then, once get the cosign, we keep playing it back over and over…and over in our minds until we convince ourselves that it's meant to be. Somehow, someway, we're gonna make it work.
Listen, we rehearse things either to get better at them or to not forget them. So, if you want to truly break out of the feedback loop with your ex, that means you're gonna have to start a new narrative. Yep, you're going to have to leave the past in the past—right where it belongs. With you, your friends and with him.
When engaging with your ex again, be clear about why. It would be unfair to not put on record that there are people who are able to stay friends with their ex. Issa (from Insecure) even tried to make us believe that it's possible to be friends with an ex's new boo. Shoot, back in the day, our managing editor even said she could handle still having sex with her ex. To all of these scenarios, the main thing to keep in mind before even considering them is why you would do it. It needs to be more than because you miss ole' boy. When you're in a relationship with someone, it changes you. You need to consider how having any kind of "realness" with him will benefit the person you are now—the one you've become, in part, as a direct result of the relationship and it coming to an end. If you can find five good clear reasons, along with a male and female friend who can see the sense in it as well (because sometimes we need folks to see our matters from the inside out), then it is possible that you can keep an ex in your life and not run in a feedback loop with them. Tricky yet possible.
Be honest about what is required to fully move forward. One more tip. I'm gonna be honest with you—while I don't think that it's impossible to keep your past in your present, it does usually require some extraordinary finessing; especially if one or both of you have some sort of strong attraction or feelings for one another. Back to my ex, because there are always things, even about his personality, that I'm always gonna adore, I'm honestly playing myself to say that we can be "just friends". And it's the lack of honesty that gets me caught up in the feedback loop, no matter what, oftentimes when I absolutely least expect it. Yet isn't it interesting that a feedback loop is all about manipulating data? Therefore, doesn't it make perfect sense, that the way to break out of the loop, would be by being as genuine, sincere, and honest with oneself as possible?
Sis, do you need your ex in your life? If so, why? Because if keeping him around is going to leave you stagnant in some way, being "stuck" is never good. The people in your life should help you to move forward. Otherwise, you really should strongly consider leaving them behind.
Listen, this pandemic led me to that movie and that movie brought me to a phrase that I'll be using for a really long time. Feedback loops are manipulated data that we tend to respond to—and you deserve to not be manipulated by anyone; including yourself. Some exes suck forever. Some ex dynamics can be restored. Yet no relationship should have you running around in a loop that will get you absolutely nowhere. If you're in a loop, download ALL the data and react accordingly. A feedback loop might seem beautiful at first but it's not the total truth and a lie is just that—a lie. Choose wisely, sis.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Giphy
- Relationship Problems Pandemic Tips - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 20 Responses To Why Are You Still Single - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Be Honest With Yourself, Self-Honesty - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Reasons You Can't Be Friends With An Ex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images