
Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be "Just Friends"

Many moons ago, I took an intimacy class with a group of people. The premise of it was to learn how to cultivate emotional attachments in a healthy way. A married couple facilitated it and, for the most part, the only steadfast rules were 1) do the weekly homework that was assigned and 2) get an accountability partner within the group—only, make sure it's someone of the same sex rather than the opposite one.
Why? The facilitators believed that if a man and woman ended up sharing too much emotional intimacy with one another, it could cause them to think there is a romantic connection, even if it isn't genuine. How can this happen? Again, the facilitators felt that it's what naturally transpires when men and women spend a lot of significant time together.
Although I got their point, I can't 100 percent get on board with that. Their perspective pretty much implies that Billy Crystal's character in the movie When Harry Met Sally was right; that men and women can never be just friends.
I live in the real world and, at this point in my life, I'd say that about 60 percent of the closest people to me are male. Men with whom I have no history with (we'll get more into that in just a bit). Men with whom I can—and do—talk to for hours on end. Men whom I love deeply and profoundly and platonically (I can't wait to share with you what platonic means!). Men with whom I am, and will continue to be, just friends with.
So, why is it that so many people seem to think that being just friends with the opposite sex is such an impossible feat? I'd venture to say that it's because the following five points aren't thoughtfully and thoroughly considered before a man and a woman decide to become (and remain) homies.
Be Honest About (Potential) Attraction, Off Top
I'm pretty open about the fact that, back when I was sexually active, my pattern was to sleep with my male friends. I don't mean all of them (goodness!). What I mean is, because I didn't become active until college and the time span of relationships in that environment is super short, once a guy realized that he couldn't bag me after a couple of phone calls and a midnight run to Krystal's, usually the decision was to become friends only. The problem with that is since sometimes, there was a mutual physical attraction, after a semester or so, we'd get click tight. Then the emotional attachment would turn into sexual intimacy.
That's why I say that the first thing a man and a woman have to get super honest with each other about is if one or both are attracted to one another. Mind you, not if both find the other attractive (I think my own brother is attractive) but if they find each other appealing. If so, that doesn't mean they can't be friends, but that does get into some of the potentially murky waters that Billy Crystal's character was talking about. Especially since sometimes bonding with someone on the mental and emotional tip can end up making them even more…enticing.
Get Clear About Your Motives
One of my closest male friends, we've been tight since college. It's always been platonic due to my first point. However, we did have a season where things got a little uncomfortable because while I've never been attracted to him, he had an attraction to me. It got to the point that he even said to me in my early 30s that if I would consider taking things to another level, marriage would be on the table.
I love this friend. He's one of my favorite people on the entire planet. But when he said that, I felt nauseous and not in that butterflies in the stomach kind of way. I love him but I don't LOVE him. Not at all. Never have and never will.
For him, his feelings were a little hurt, although we made it through. And one of the things that experience taught me is that when you decide to be friends of someone of the opposite sex, you've got to get real with yourself about what your true objective is. Do you want to be the person's friend or do you somehow see friendship as a mere starting point into something…else?
A lot can be said about someone's motives. Motives reveal A LOT. What are yours? What are his?
If There Is “a Past”, Keep It Out of Your Present
A few weeks ago, I ran into a guy that I was sexually active with for several years back in the day. Before we "took it there", we really enjoyed just talking on the phone for hours on end, about everything and nothing. To this day, we still communicate really well, although because the mental and sexual connection was pretty on-point, we keep things at a semi-surface level. Meaning, when we see one another, we can chop it up for hours. But exchanging phone numbers and hanging out at each other's cribs? Yeah, that's probably not a good idea.
Then there's another guy who, to this day, I don't know how he got to hit it. I really don't. I think back and I'm like "ugh, ugh and ugh". He and I are just buddies again because the past has remained there. I can't imagine what scenario could get us back in the sheets again. Not a one.
"Door #2"? He's proof that just because two people have history, that doesn't mean friendship is totally out of the question. Something can only happen in the present when both want it too (or are open to at least considering it). If that is not the case, things can transition into something more platonic without any temptation or subtext. Trust me.
Make Sure Their Significant Other Is Good
At this stage in my life, most of my world is married (or divorced). This means that some of my male friends have wives. Now, I know some people who believe that it's "dangerous" for married people to have single friends but, whatever. You'd be amazed by how many married people cheat on their spouse with, not single folks but other married people. It's a reminder that a person's relational status isn't really the issue, their integrity level is.
My married male friends? I have no problem with any of their wives and they have no issue with my friendship with their husband. One reason is because their wives have not only met me before, but they have full access to me including my email address and phone number. Another reason is because I am intentional about establishing some sort of connection with my male friend's significant other. We might not be besties, but we are definitely cool. Another reason is because, in these instances, there is no more-than-friends history to speak of.
In fact, I once remember talking to one of my "husband friends" who lives in a different time zone than me. It was 9:30pm to them and 11:30pm to me. The wife joined in for about 15-20 minutes and then told us both "good night". He and I spoke for about 40 more minutes after that. The next time I spoke with his lady, I commented on how a lot of wives would never let their husband talk to another woman while they were in bed asleep. Her response? "If you and my husband had sexual history or you weren't so respectful of our marriage, I wouldn't have. But neither of you have given me question to doubt your friendship. Plus, I have male friends. It's all good."
As a marriage life coach, although I do think that married couples need to do whatever works for them and their relationship, I don't think it's the healthiest for them to not have friends of the opposite sex.
The friendship isn't the issue. It's the level of openness, honesty, and trust that exists that is.
If all parties involved respect the union and there are healthy boundaries established, then yes, single and married people can be friends—even if they are of the opposite sex.
Embrace What Platonic Love with the Opposite Sex Brings to the Table
One of my favorite things about male/female friendships is the fact that the two genders coming together in that way help to create a balance of energy and synergy in a way that same-sex friendships simply cannot.
Personally, I can't tell you how many times a male perspective on something has spared me drama, heartbreak, and mass confusion. It's amazing how the love of a male friend can fill voids that make settling for a less-than-what-I-deserve relationship not even worth considering.
Like good brothers, male friends also have the ability to make us, as women, feel protected. I absolutely love that. Yeah, platonic love is nothing to sleep on.
That's why, I think, it's a non-issue to spend precious and valuable time pondering whether or not men and women can be just friends. From where I sit, not only "can" they be but, if everything else that I shared checks out, they absolutely should be. I say that because platonic is another word for "spiritual love" and anyone who has a true friend of the opposite sex, they know that although the connection may not be romantic, it is so profoundly pure and divine that it is still very necessary. The fact that one of the people in the friendship is a man while the other is a woman shouldn't be seen as an obstacle but a true blessing.
So, can a man and woman be just friends? If they are both striving for platonic love and a healthy bond, of course they can. Let me and my male homies tell it, they're only selling themselves short if they don't.
So, can a man and woman be just friends? If they are both striving for platonic love and a healthy bond, of course they can. Let me and my male homies tell it, they're only selling themselves short if they don't.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
Can Romantic Chemistry Be Created? - Read More
5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It - Read More
Why Guy Friends Are Essential For Your Growth - Read More
Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is Okay (& Healthy) - Read More
- Platonic Friendship: What Does Platonic Love Mean? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Can Married Couples Have Single Friends? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Opposite Sex Friendships: Is It Really Platonic? - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- What Turns A Man On? Men Answer What Turns Them On - xoNecole ›
- Can Men & Women Just Be Friends? ›
- Can Men And Women Be Friends Without Benefits? : NPR ›
- Can Men And Women Really Be Friends Without Sexual Attraction ... ›
- Can Men And Women Really Be Friends Without Sexual Attraction ... ›
- Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends? | Shape Magazine ›
- Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends? | Shape Magazine ›
- Men and women can never be friends - but sex has nothing to do ... ›
- Why Men and Women Cant be friends - YouTube ›
- Why Men and Women Cant be friends - YouTube ›
- Why Men and Women Can Never Be 'Just Friends' ›
- Can Men and Women Just Be Friends? | The Art of Manliness ›
- Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" - Scientific American ›
'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by
Pack A Travel Case With These 12 Items For Amazing 'Summer Vacation Sex'
It’s kind of funny that while I’m literally in the process of writing this article, the Los Angeles Times published “How to get lucky on your family vacation” hours prior. LOL. Although this year marks a bit of a dip in the amount of Americans who plan on taking a summer vacation (because this administration ain’t making coin-keeping easy, y’all) — it’s still being reported that around 53 percent will do so in the name of rest, relaxation and spending quality time with their loved ones.
And for many, the loved ones category absolutely includes their bae. And if that is the case, that probably means that sex is somewhere on the menu.
Yep. I actually read one survey (that consisted of 2,000 people) that said folks tend to have twice as much sex while they are on vacation than they do when they’re at home. It makes sense too when you factor in that you have less to do (unless you’re traveling with those folks who act like you need an itinerary for every damn thing — and we all know one…SMDH), which makes you less stressed out, which makes it easier to feel sexy and to want to get sexual.
And so, in the spirit of that indeed being the case, I want to make sure that you carve out a corner of your suitcase or carry-on to include at least half of the following 12 things that are on this list — things that can help to make “summer vacation sex”…that much hotter, y’all.
1. Edible-Grade Sunscreen
It can’t be said enough that, no matter how melanated you may be, your skin needs sunscreen. Not only to protect yourself from the risk of skin cancer (which 1 in 5 Americans will get in their lifetime) but from premature aging that can come from sun damage too. That said, if the urge arises to have sex outside somewhere, I did find some edible-grade sunscreen, in case you’re either worried about what sex in the sun will do to your skin or how all of the chemicals in sunscreen will affect your (digestive) system. The company is called Sky & Sol and you can read up on them here.
2. Flavored Lip Balm
If you’ve ever wondered why your lips are so susceptible to being chapped, it’s because they don’t contain any oil glans to keep them moisturized. This is especially important to keep in mind when the weather is extremely cold or hot because that can do a real number on the sensitive skin that your lips are made out of. That’s why it’s essential to stay well-hydrated and to also keep some lip balm in tow. Lip balm is especially designed to moisturize your lips, reduce chapping, exfoliate, soothe irritation and protect your lips from UV damage. As a bonus, lip balm will also help to keep your lips super soft and kissable; especially if you get the flavored kind. #wink
3. Condoms
I’m still out here, literally shaking my damn head, that reportedly, only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms (and even many of those folks don’t do it consistently). It can’t be said enough that if you’re not in a monogamous (married) or exclusive (dating) relationship where you both are getting regularly tested and are on some other form of birth control (unless you want to get pregnant) — you absolutely should be using condoms and, as a woman, you should not solely rely on your partner to have some that are ready and available.
Not just because you should be responsible for your body and health but because not all condoms are made equal, so you should bring along some that you prefer/enjoy. If you’d like a lil’ help picking those out, check out “These Are The Kinds Of Condoms Your Vagina Would Actually Prefer.”
4. Crotchless Swimsuit
Packing some sexy lingerie? I certainly hope that goes without saying. If you’ve got a hot tub around, though and you want to “get it in” without getting totally naked (so that nosey people won’t see every damn thing), you do know that there are some crotchless swimsuits out in these streets, right? An example of one is here. Of course, you can always do what Beyoncé said in “Drunk in Love” and just move ish over to the side but…I’m just giving you another creative option…if you wanted one.
5. Blindfolds
If you’d like to cultivate an atmosphere of mystery or anticipation, a simple blindfold will do the trick. There is another reason why I think they are great for summer vacation (sex) trips, though — if your hotel room doesn’t come with blackout curtains and you want to have a quickie or two without the room being so bright, putting on a blindfold can solve that “problem” too.
6. Waterproof Sex Toys
Who said that you have to wait until you get to your hotel room to engage in some foreplay? If you bring a couple of sex toys around, you can tease each other practically anywhere — and if they are waterproof, that includes in the ocean or pool. Some, you can pair up with your smartphone in order to stimulate your partner from just about anywhere. Whew, chile.
7. Homemade Sex Toys Too
Speaking of sex toys, you’d probably be amazed at how many things in your house can double up as one. A spatula or wooden spoon is great for spanking. A necktie, some tights and a pair of clothespins work well for BDSM (use your imagination, sis). An electronic toothbrush is its own vibrator. A string of (lubricated) pearls in between your thighs? Girrrl…GIRL. Oh, and cop a silicone ice tray that comes in different shapes.
When you are rubbing ice in the shape of fruit, flowers or even animals over each other’s bodies, you’ll be surprised by how the combination of the cold with the texture of the space of the ice will stimulate you (make the ice out of juice instead of water for an extra sweet treat!).
8. Portable Charger
I don’t know what took me so long to get a damn portable charger but it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. What I personally purchased is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W High-Speed Portable Charger. I can throw it in my purse, it charges fast, I can use more than once before needing to recharge it; plus, it complements most devices. A great thing to keep in mind, so that your sex toys don’t end up going out on you while you’re…wherever you are.
9. Massage Oil Candle
Going through security at the airport can be a HEADACHE. And while, how long it can take, oftentimes varies on the airport you’re at and the time you are traveling (you can read more about that here), the process is going to be especially annoying if they have to go through your bags. Since you can currently only pack a quarter-sized bag of liquid products on your carry-on, my two cents would be to leave the massage oil at home and pack a massage oil candle instead.
That way, you can still engage in some temperature play (check out “Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom”) while you’re on the road without going through any security hassle hang-ups. Some edible massage oil candles are located right here.
10. Wine Cooler Sleeve
Say that you end up going on a wine tasting tour while you’re on vacation and you end up purchasing a bottle or you simply want to toast with some champagne but you’re not sure how to store the bottle. Did you know that there are wine cooler sleeves that are lightweight, portable and will help to keep your bottles cold without condensation for hours on end? A brand that comes highly recommended is here.
11. Rose Petals
I think there are a few reasons why rose petals are oftentimes used to create a sexy mood. Red symbolizes love and passion. Rose petals are soft to the touch. The scent of them is considered to be an aphrodisiac as well. For all of these reasons, bring along some fresh rose petals for your hotel bed. If you put a damp paper towel in something like a small Tupperware container and then place the rose petals inside of that, they won’t dry out quickly which will make them feel great once you’re ready to start rolling around in them (you can also keep them in your hotel room’s fridge to further extend their shelf life).
12. Mints
Morning sex. Outdoor sex. Whatever kind of sex — it’s always going to be better when your breath and his smell good. And just so you don’t have to lug around a big bottle of mouthwash, pack some mints. Altoids are always going to be my number one draft pick — yet go with whatever are your personal faves. They’re the perfect hack for unbelievable summer vacation sex. Wouldn’t you agree? Enjoy!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy