Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be "Just Friends"
Many moons ago, I took an intimacy class with a group of people. The premise of it was to learn how to cultivate emotional attachments in a healthy way. A married couple facilitated it and, for the most part, the only steadfast rules were 1) do the weekly homework that was assigned and 2) get an accountability partner within the group—only, make sure it's someone of the same sex rather than the opposite one.
Why? The facilitators believed that if a man and woman ended up sharing too much emotional intimacy with one another, it could cause them to think there is a romantic connection, even if it isn't genuine. How can this happen? Again, the facilitators felt that it's what naturally transpires when men and women spend a lot of significant time together.
Although I got their point, I can't 100 percent get on board with that. Their perspective pretty much implies that Billy Crystal's character in the movie When Harry Met Sally was right; that men and women can never be just friends.
I live in the real world and, at this point in my life, I'd say that about 60 percent of the closest people to me are male. Men with whom I have no history with (we'll get more into that in just a bit). Men with whom I can—and do—talk to for hours on end. Men whom I love deeply and profoundly and platonically (I can't wait to share with you what platonic means!). Men with whom I am, and will continue to be, just friends with.
So, why is it that so many people seem to think that being just friends with the opposite sex is such an impossible feat? I'd venture to say that it's because the following five points aren't thoughtfully and thoroughly considered before a man and a woman decide to become (and remain) homies.
Be Honest About (Potential) Attraction, Off Top
I'm pretty open about the fact that, back when I was sexually active, my pattern was to sleep with my male friends. I don't mean all of them (goodness!). What I mean is, because I didn't become active until college and the time span of relationships in that environment is super short, once a guy realized that he couldn't bag me after a couple of phone calls and a midnight run to Krystal's, usually the decision was to become friends only. The problem with that is since sometimes, there was a mutual physical attraction, after a semester or so, we'd get click tight. Then the emotional attachment would turn into sexual intimacy.
That's why I say that the first thing a man and a woman have to get super honest with each other about is if one or both are attracted to one another. Mind you, not if both find the other attractive (I think my own brother is attractive) but if they find each other appealing. If so, that doesn't mean they can't be friends, but that does get into some of the potentially murky waters that Billy Crystal's character was talking about. Especially since sometimes bonding with someone on the mental and emotional tip can end up making them even more…enticing.
Get Clear About Your Motives
One of my closest male friends, we've been tight since college. It's always been platonic due to my first point. However, we did have a season where things got a little uncomfortable because while I've never been attracted to him, he had an attraction to me. It got to the point that he even said to me in my early 30s that if I would consider taking things to another level, marriage would be on the table.
I love this friend. He's one of my favorite people on the entire planet. But when he said that, I felt nauseous and not in that butterflies in the stomach kind of way. I love him but I don't LOVE him. Not at all. Never have and never will.
For him, his feelings were a little hurt, although we made it through. And one of the things that experience taught me is that when you decide to be friends of someone of the opposite sex, you've got to get real with yourself about what your true objective is. Do you want to be the person's friend or do you somehow see friendship as a mere starting point into something…else?
A lot can be said about someone's motives. Motives reveal A LOT. What are yours? What are his?
If There Is “a Past”, Keep It Out of Your Present
A few weeks ago, I ran into a guy that I was sexually active with for several years back in the day. Before we "took it there", we really enjoyed just talking on the phone for hours on end, about everything and nothing. To this day, we still communicate really well, although because the mental and sexual connection was pretty on-point, we keep things at a semi-surface level. Meaning, when we see one another, we can chop it up for hours. But exchanging phone numbers and hanging out at each other's cribs? Yeah, that's probably not a good idea.
Then there's another guy who, to this day, I don't know how he got to hit it. I really don't. I think back and I'm like "ugh, ugh and ugh". He and I are just buddies again because the past has remained there. I can't imagine what scenario could get us back in the sheets again. Not a one.
"Door #2"? He's proof that just because two people have history, that doesn't mean friendship is totally out of the question. Something can only happen in the present when both want it too (or are open to at least considering it). If that is not the case, things can transition into something more platonic without any temptation or subtext. Trust me.
Make Sure Their Significant Other Is Good
At this stage in my life, most of my world is married (or divorced). This means that some of my male friends have wives. Now, I know some people who believe that it's "dangerous" for married people to have single friends but, whatever. You'd be amazed by how many married people cheat on their spouse with, not single folks but other married people. It's a reminder that a person's relational status isn't really the issue, their integrity level is.
My married male friends? I have no problem with any of their wives and they have no issue with my friendship with their husband. One reason is because their wives have not only met me before, but they have full access to me including my email address and phone number. Another reason is because I am intentional about establishing some sort of connection with my male friend's significant other. We might not be besties, but we are definitely cool. Another reason is because, in these instances, there is no more-than-friends history to speak of.
In fact, I once remember talking to one of my "husband friends" who lives in a different time zone than me. It was 9:30pm to them and 11:30pm to me. The wife joined in for about 15-20 minutes and then told us both "good night". He and I spoke for about 40 more minutes after that. The next time I spoke with his lady, I commented on how a lot of wives would never let their husband talk to another woman while they were in bed asleep. Her response? "If you and my husband had sexual history or you weren't so respectful of our marriage, I wouldn't have. But neither of you have given me question to doubt your friendship. Plus, I have male friends. It's all good."
As a marriage life coach, although I do think that married couples need to do whatever works for them and their relationship, I don't think it's the healthiest for them to not have friends of the opposite sex.
The friendship isn't the issue. It's the level of openness, honesty, and trust that exists that is.
If all parties involved respect the union and there are healthy boundaries established, then yes, single and married people can be friends—even if they are of the opposite sex.
Embrace What Platonic Love with the Opposite Sex Brings to the Table
One of my favorite things about male/female friendships is the fact that the two genders coming together in that way help to create a balance of energy and synergy in a way that same-sex friendships simply cannot.
Personally, I can't tell you how many times a male perspective on something has spared me drama, heartbreak, and mass confusion. It's amazing how the love of a male friend can fill voids that make settling for a less-than-what-I-deserve relationship not even worth considering.
Like good brothers, male friends also have the ability to make us, as women, feel protected. I absolutely love that. Yeah, platonic love is nothing to sleep on.
That's why, I think, it's a non-issue to spend precious and valuable time pondering whether or not men and women can be just friends. From where I sit, not only "can" they be but, if everything else that I shared checks out, they absolutely should be. I say that because platonic is another word for "spiritual love" and anyone who has a true friend of the opposite sex, they know that although the connection may not be romantic, it is so profoundly pure and divine that it is still very necessary. The fact that one of the people in the friendship is a man while the other is a woman shouldn't be seen as an obstacle but a true blessing.
So, can a man and woman be just friends? If they are both striving for platonic love and a healthy bond, of course they can. Let me and my male homies tell it, they're only selling themselves short if they don't.
So, can a man and woman be just friends? If they are both striving for platonic love and a healthy bond, of course they can. Let me and my male homies tell it, they're only selling themselves short if they don't.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
Can Romantic Chemistry Be Created? - Read More
5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It - Read More
Why Guy Friends Are Essential For Your Growth - Read More
Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is Okay (& Healthy) - Read More
- Platonic Friendship: What Does Platonic Love Mean? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Can Married Couples Have Single Friends? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Opposite Sex Friendships: Is It Really Platonic? - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- What Turns A Man On? Men Answer What Turns Them On - xoNecole ›
- Can Men & Women Just Be Friends? ›
- Can Men And Women Be Friends Without Benefits? : NPR ›
- Can Men And Women Really Be Friends Without Sexual Attraction ... ›
- Can Men And Women Really Be Friends Without Sexual Attraction ... ›
- Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends? | Shape Magazine ›
- Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends? | Shape Magazine ›
- Men and women can never be friends - but sex has nothing to do ... ›
- Why Men and Women Cant be friends - YouTube ›
- Why Men and Women Cant be friends - YouTube ›
- Why Men and Women Can Never Be 'Just Friends' ›
- Can Men and Women Just Be Friends? | The Art of Manliness ›
- Can Men and Women Just Be Friends? | The Art of Manliness ›
- Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" - Scientific American ›
- Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
The Power Of Your Big 3: Understanding The Astrological Significance You Hold
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Astrology has become even more mainstream and a phenomenon than it ever has in the past. We have gone beyond the, “What’s your sign?” and have moved into “What’s your big 3?” seemingly overnight, and rightly so due to the significance of knowing these important details. Your Big 3 in Astrology represents your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign.
This trifecta is thought to be one of the most significant details of your birth chart and gives you and others more of a full-picture look at who you are beyond just your sun sign.
What Does Your Big 3 In Astrology Say About You?
Knowing your big 3 is important, especially if you are someone who has never really resonated with your sun sign. You read about what it means to be an Aries, but may not align with what you see or your experience with other Aries. Meanwhile, the whole time, you have a Libra rising, the complete opposite sign of Aries, and this is why you have always seen yourself as a more laid-back and less confrontational Aries.
Elements hold a key role in your birth chart and having a big 3 where the elements are all compatible or the same often signifies someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their skin. Whereas someone with a different element for each part of their big 3 may have challenges with identity or defining who they are or how they want to present themselves. It’s a different type of perspective when looking into your big 3, and it helps you see where your strengths and needs are in life, and how to tap more into this potential.
Your Big 3 In Astrology Explained
Your big 3 can help you navigate life by understanding which part of you comes out more in different circumstances. At home, you are most like your moon sign, when you are out and about, you are most like your rising sign. Whether you are at home or out and about, your goals, purpose, and interests are most like your sun sign.
You can find out what your big 3 is by looking up a ‘Birth Chart Calculator’ on your search engine, typing in your birthday details (you will need to know your birth date, location, and the exact time you were born), and generating your birth chart.
Read below for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
YOUR SUN SIGN
Your sun sign represents the core of you and what motivates you to shine and be your best self. This is your personality, goals, purpose, identity, ego, interests, direction, and where you light up in life.
FIRE SUN (Aries Sun, Leo Sun, Sagittarius Sun)
If you are an Aries sun, a Leo sun, or a Sagittarius sun, you are outgoing, confident, fearless, and in tune with yourself and your personal goals and desires in life. You go after the things you want, and you are not afraid to take up space. You are someone who prefers to be more independent, and you are often in more leadership roles in life.
EARTH SUN (Taurus Sun, Virgo Sun, Capricorn Sun)
If you are a Taurus sun, a Virgo sun, or a Capricorn sun, you are grounded, dependable, loyal, hard-working, and logical. You prefer the finer things in life but also work hard to get where you are. You are someone others feel they can rely on, and you are often a support for other people in your life. You are very connected to the material sides of life, and have a gift for manifesting.
AIR SUN (Gemini Sun, Libra Sun, Aquarius Sun)
If you are a Gemini sun, a Libra sun, or an Aquarius sun, you are light-hearted, free-flowing, intelligent, and communicative. You speak what is on your mind, and you love to connect and communicate with others. People know you for the things you say and your out-of-the-box ideas, and you are someone who is open-minded and provides a safe space for people to be authentically themselves.
WATER SUN (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Sun, Pisces Sun)
If you are a Cancer sun, a Scorpio sun, or a Pisces sun, you are thoughtful, generous, emotional, loving, and compassionate. You care deeply about the people you love, and you are always there for others. You may be more emotional than most, and this is due to your strong intuition and open heart. You are creative, inspiring, and motivated towards connection in life.
YOUR MOON SIGN
Your moon sign represents your emotions. This is the way you express yourself emotionally, how you process your emotions, what you need in love, what makes you feel safe and nurtured, your desires, intuition, your inner world, and what’s going on beneath the surface.
FIRE MOON (Aries Moon, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Moon)
If you are an Aries moon, a Leo moon, or a Sagittarius moon, you are someone who is not afraid to communicate your emotions or how you are feeling, and you can feel your emotions from a mile away. You are confident in yourself and are someone who stands up for what you feel is right. You have a strong need to be seen and heard in your relationships, and a certain type of understanding is needed for you to emotionally thrive. You may have some challenges with anger or high energy and are working through emotional impulses in this lifetime.
EARTH MOON (Taurus Moon, Virgo Moon, Capricorn Moon)
If you are a Taurus moon, a Virgo moon, or a Capricorn moon, you are someone who is emotionally grounded, safe, comforting, and logical. You aren’t overly emotional and may not show your emotions to people much at all, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have them. You think before you speak, and you process your emotions before acting on them, and you tend to be more down-to-earth and understanding when it comes to other people’s emotional worlds as well. You are someone people go to when they need someone to talk to you as you are a very good listener.
AIR MOON (Gemini Moon, Libra Moon, Aquarius Moon)
If you are a Gemini moon, a Libra moon, or an Aquarius moon, you are someone who is fun, outgoing, and emotionally open-minded. You don’t like heavy emotions or too much emotional drama, and you tend to be more go-with-the-flow in this area of your life. Good conversation and mutual understanding are very important to you in your relationships and you want funny banter and inspiration in your connections with others.
WATER MOON (Cancer Moon, Scorpio Moon, Pisces Moon)
If you are a Cancer moon, a Scorpio moon, or a Pisces moon, you are someone who lives by their heart and values your emotional world deeply. You crave a deep type of intimacy in your partnerships and you need a partner who is going to give you that type of emotional connection. You are more private with your emotional world and you tend to hold a lot in, but this can often lead to sudden outbursts as well. Overall, you are the definition of emotion and others learn a lot from you on what it means to love and to feel.
YOUR ASCENDANT (RISING SIGN)
Your ascendant sign represents your perception and the energy you put out into the world. This is the way you come across to others, the way you express yourself, your physical traits and aesthetics, how you manifest, society, and what you expect from the world around you.
FIRE ASCENDANT (Aries Rising, Leo Rising, Sagittarius Rising)
If you are an Aries rising, a Leo rising, or a Sagittarius rising, you come across to others as confident, bold, and stylish. You are known for the way you look or the way you present yourself, and you are usually adorned in bright colors or wearing something that others take a lot of notice of. You are someone who walks into a room, and all eyes are on you, and you love that. You want to be on the move and on the go, and you love to show up in the world exactly as you are today. You see the world with a lot of possibilities and like it's yours to have fun and enjoy yourself in.
EARTH ASCENDANT (Taurus Rising, Virgo Rising, Capricorn Rising)
If you are a Taurus rising, a Virgo rising, or a Capricorn rising, you come across to others as responsible, beautiful, natural, and dependable. You are a hard worker, and you may be known for your career or the work that you do. You are someone who walks into a room and people feel an immediate sense of comfort and like you are someone they can trust. You have strong values and goals, and you are someone who knows what they want. People love to be around your down-to-earth energy, and you make others feel safe and grounded.
AIR ASCENDANT (Gemini Rising, Libra Rising, Aquarius Rising)
If you are a Gemini rising, a Libra rising, or an Aquarius rising, you come across to others as outgoing, friendly, and talkative. You see the world as a place to learn, connect, and be inspired, and you are on a quest for knowledge and understanding. You connect with people from all walks of life, and you tend to have a pretty open-minded and unique friend group. You care a lot about your style and aesthetic and always strive to be authentically you wherever you are. You can talk to people for hours and are often meeting new people and making new friends wherever you go.
WATER ASCENDANT (Cancer Rising, Scorpio Rising, Pisces Rising)
If you are a Cancer rising, a Scorpio rising, or a Pisces rising, you navigate life through the lens of your emotions, and you are deeply connected to the undercurrents of life. You are ruled by your emotions, and this side of you is not something you can keep hidden away easily. You get emotional when you think about society and others at large, and you want to be known for the kind and sincere person you are. When you walk into a room, you feel other people's energy right away and are highly empathic and intuitive.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by We Are/Getty Images