Aight single ladies: even if there is a part of you that isn’t all that thrilled about Valentine’s Day (for whatever the reason), I promise you that there is an extra special reason to get excited this year — it falls on a Friday which means that you can turn it into a staycation and it can be one that’s filled with nothing but plans for how to celebrate your own damn self. And yes, sis, that is a good thing.
As an ambivert, I must admit that I constantly live in a state of staycations (LOL) because I enjoy my space and spending time with myself just that much. And, even though I’m personally not a “holidays person,” I must say that for those who do observe them, I think that taking staycations (vacations at home or in your city) during those days can be cool because you can center them around a theme — and what better theme can there be than love? Including self-love.
I’m telling you, devoting an entire weekend to rest, recharge, and holistic pampering, I’m not sure if life gets any better than that. So, why not seize the moment this Valentine’s Day weekend by incorporating (at least some of) the following 10 tips?
1. Get Yourself a Body Pillow
GiphyAs a doula, I’ve gotta admit that the only time a body pillow really comes to mind is when I’m talking to a client about how she can make her second and/or third trimester more comfortable as far as sleep is concerned. However, when I was recently talking to a single woman about how she hates that her king-size bed feels so empty yet she’s not ready to put a warm body in it, “Get yourself a body pillow” came out of my mouth.
The truth is body pillows are great, in general, when it comes to supporting great posture, helping you to sleep better (if you happen to be a side sleeper), improving blood circulation, reducing snoring, helping you to toss and turn less throughout the night and even soothing aching muscles and joints. Plus, it gives you something to cuddle with. So, if you want to treat yourself to something unique that’s super practical at the same time, get a body pillow this Valentine’s Day. It’ll be one of the best investments that you’ve made in quite some time.
2. Buy Some Sexy/Comfy PJs Too
GiphyUnless you sleep in the nude, it’s a good idea to swap out your pajamas every 4-5 days or so. That way, between all of the dead skin cell shedding and sweating, you can be proactive about taking care of your skin as well as your bedding. Okay, but how often should you purchase a new pair of PJs? Well, when you stop to think about the fact that you are in them for 5-8 hours every night, every 6-9 months is probably a good idea. That said, if it’s been a couple of years longer than that since you’ve invested in some, Valentine’s Day is just as good of a time as any, wouldn’t you say?
And don’t get those granny-looking ones either. Just because you’re single, that doesn’t mean that all you have are dated moo-moos (although I’ve had some husbands sing the praises of those before — LOL) and oversized flannels in your near future. Pajamas that are made out of cotton are good so that your skin can breathe; however, try and go for something sexy like a baby doll set or a tank and some boy shorts. Science backs up the fact that how we choose to dress impacts our self-esteem — why would you think that only applies to how you look while you are outside of the house?
3. Put Some Flowers in Your Room
GiphyPersonally, I adore fresh flowers. Yet if you happen to be someone who doesn’t see the point in them, thinks they are a waste of money, and/or feels like it’s kinda-sorta ridiculous to get your own self a bouquet — let me just say that there is plenty of research out here to support the fact that flowers help to put you in a better mood, decrease stress, reduce indoor air pollution, lower blood pressure and even make you more attentive.
Know what else is interesting? Red and yellow flowers can help you to feel more comfortable, cheerful, and calm. Red roses are pretty much the signature flower for Valentine’s Day — and now you’ve got some really solid reason to get yourself a dozen of ‘em.
4. Have Your Favorite Meal Delivered
GiphyIf I were to ever have a social media platform or podcast, one thing that you will never hear outta me is that I am not Team Cooking. Cooking is healthier for you and (before this guy because POTUS) it’s significantly cheaper too. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a DoorDash account, though — and I am absolutely not afraid to use it! Sometimes, ordering a meal can feel indulgent because, not only are you letting someone else prepare what you enjoy eating, it is being hand-delivered to you too.
Since everything that we’re talking about today is how to set the stage for a bomb-sss staycation, definitely get food sent to you. No dishes to clean up is a very necessary step when it comes to chilling out and relaxing all Valentine’s Day (weekend).
5. Take Yourself on a Date
GiphyAgain, since Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday this year, this gives you the entire weekend to date yourself. Go to your local farmers’ market. Enjoy an indoor picnic. Check out an indie concert. Stop by a coffee shop, write yourself some love letters (check out “Every Woman Should Write A Love Letter To Themselves”), and then mail them to your house on the way home. Be a tourist in your own city. Go ice or roller skating. Schedule a photo shoot (for yourself).
Take yourself shopping. Read at least three chapters of a book or watch an entire movie while in the bathtub. Spend the night at a swanky hotel. Remember, at the end of the day, a date is a way of spending quality time with someone. Since Valentine’s Day is a day that celebrates love, why not spend quality time with who should be your favorite person: YOURSELF.
6. Or Go on a Virtual Tour
GiphyAnd what if what I just suggested sounds great in theory; however, you’re really just not in the mood? Well, another way that you can still “date yourself” is to open up your laptop and go on a virtual tour. For instance, if you’ve always wanted to go to Greece, Peru, or Ireland or you’re curious about Antarctica or the Amazon Rainforest, you can click here to check these places out up close and personally. Wanna learn more about Africa? There are several virtual tours available here.
To tell you the truth, these days, there are virtual tours that cover just about any place that you can think of. Personally, I think that this is a cool thing to do on a staycation because you can “be somewhere” from the comfort and convenience of your own home, and/or it’s a proactive way to put a plan together so that you and/or some friends can go on a trip before the year is out.
7. Give Yourself a Scalp and Foot Massage
GiphyIf you’ve “got it like that,” something else that can make this a really special single girl’s Valentine’s Day staycation event is to have a massage therapist give you a massage (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”) at your home. However, if coins are tight, you can still pamper yourself by engaging in a DIY scalp and foot massage. Both reduce stress. Both release tension. Both make for an amazing night’s sleep.
Tips for how to give yourself a stellar scalp massage can be found here. Tips for how to give yourself a wonderful foot massage can be found here. And definitely don’t forget to incorporate some soothing essential oils. I’ve got a list of some for you right here.
8. Start a Self-Love Scrapbook or Journal
GiphyQuestion: What tangible memories do you have of how you love yourself? Weird question, right? Still, that doesn’t make it an invalid one. I can only imagine how much better we’d all feel about ourselves if we actually had a self-love scrapbook to refer to — one that consisted of receipts from pampering days, self-love quotes that we enjoy, some of our favorite pictures of ourselves, written down memories of some ah-ha moments of transformation that particularly standout…anything that reminds us of loving ourselves (that can fit into a scrapbook).
If you like the idea and yet need some inspiration, check out Skillshare’s “40 Beautiful Scrapbooking Ideas to Try.” Or you can use this as an opportunity to get a fresh journal — one that is dedicated to nothing but mantras, quotes, song lyrics, and thoughts pertaining to how to love yourself more and better. Make sure to put the dates and times of your entries in. There’s nothing like seeing actual documentation of your own self-love journey and growth.
9. Turn It into a Sleepover with Your Friends
GiphyJust because you’re single, that doesn’t mean you have to spend Valentine’s Day alone — if you don’t want to. One woman I know, she hosts a Valentine’s Day party for the single men and women in her life every year. Another one? She has an old-school sleepover where her girlfriends wear heart PJs, watch throwback rom-coms, and eat every form of junk food known to man (and woman). Definitely one of the reasons why Valentine’s Day feels lonely for some people is because they think that love only means romantic love and that absolutely could not be further from the truth.
If the idea of using this coming Valentine’s Day weekend to fall off the grid to mankind isn’t your idea of a good time, you can always call a friend or two to spend the night with you. Or, you can have a virtual sleepover with homies who live elsewhere. You can learn more about how to execute one of those here and here.
10. SLEEP. IN.
GiphyIf you don’t have to work this Valentine’s Day weekend, why not sleep in? When you stop to think about the fact that sleep reduces stress, improves your mental health, reduces your blood sugar levels, helps you to maintain a healthy weight, and strengthens your heart — how could putting your phone on DND (Do Not Disturb) and not setting your alarm NOT be an act of self-love? The world will still be waiting for you once you roll out of bed.
In honor of a phenomenal single woman’s Valentine’s Day staycation, let it wait. Sis, I’m pretty sure you’ve earned it. SLEEP. IN. (Yay!)
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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